Kiss & Cry, Where Passion Awaits

by Lipson, Ramona

  “Did you resent her for not letting you quit?”

  “Not at all. If anything, I’m happy she encouraged me to stick with it. When I teetered on the idea of quitting, she suggested I try pair skating. My coach, who was Michael Web at the time, knew someone else who was also considering it. That is how I was introduced to my soon-to-be other half, Ryan. Kennedy.

  “We tried it, and we took well to it. We skated together for eight years, representing Canada. So much of our time was spent on the ice, when I finished high school, I didn’t bother going to college. There wasn’t time to train and go to school. Training always took priority. It was quite common in the skating world. I stopped going to school altogether to be on the ice more. I was educated through real world experiences, stuff that can’t be taught in a classroom.”

  “Go on,” Dr. Carson encouraged.

  “My mom has always been there for me. My father was the breadwinner. He never had a really good job and because my skating was so expensive, he had to work two jobs just to make my mother and me happy. I would see him on weekends when I wasn’t on the ice.

  “My father was much more easygoing in the personality department. He never got mad. He was friendly to everyone. I never got enough time with him because he gave up a large part of his life for me. Eventually his hard work caught up with him. He developed chest pains one day and minutes later he dropped dead of a heart attack. Autopsy said his left main was one hundred percent occluded.

  “I don’t want to sound spoiled, because I love skating, but I felt really cheated that he was taken from me so early. My dad died when I was at the height of my career. He was only fifty-five. I had to compete with Ryan three weeks later at Canadians, but we still won the title that year.”

  That was the first time her heart was ever broken.

  “You mother? Where’s your mom now? Do you still keep touch with her?” he questioned.

  “When I was assaulted I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone and talk to her about it. I didn’t think I could keep it together for her. I felt like if we spoke and she found out how sad I was, it would break her heart again and it was already broken once when my father died.

  “My aunt persuaded my mom to move in with her. They live in the States. When I get time, I go down and see her. She’s doing much better now. She never remarried, but she has many friends where they are. It forced me to become self-sufficient.”

  “How did you support yourself?” Dr. Carson asked.

  “Mostly shows, and if they dried up, I took on odd jobs. It was okay until Ryan and I filed for divorce. Then the funds really dried up. The stress of it all was enormous. I could barely pay the bills and I didn’t want to go to my mom for help. She barely had money to live on herself. I had too much pride to tell Ryan.”

  “So, what did you do?”

  “I brainstormed, and I came up with an idea that I thought would make money. I co-created a reality show that would put skating on the map, and hopefully line my pocket at the same time. It was to the point I was becoming desperate. I was too proud to go to food banks though. I didn’t let it get to that point.”

  “Tell me about Ryan,” he delved.

  “Ryan paired up with me when he was nineteen. I was the same age. We skated together for eight years. We were twenty-seven when we stopped competing and then we skated for shows as professionals. That was when our relationship started falling apart.”

  “How so?”

  “Skating was a huge part of our lives and when we turned professional I guess we both felt like we weren’t left with much. We never got over missing the training part of our careers. We had to find new things to spend our time on. We found it hard to talk to one another about it. I guess we felt that the other person just wouldn’t understand. We became closed off to one another.”

  “Can you tell me a bit about his personality? How were you treated by him?”

  “Ryan and I started off as good friends. He was very sweet to me and we worked hard together. He was everything you look for in a friend.

  "Ryan was so cute when I first met him. Looking back, I think all the girls liked him. I didn’t think much else in the first year after our meeting, until the day we went for lunch and he tried kissing me. I had a boyfriend at the time and slapped him after the kiss. It wasn’t long before I broke up with Damon to date Ryan.

  “I never let on how much of an effect his kiss had over me. The noise of cars, people around us all disappeared. It was just him and me kissing outside the restaurant. That moment changed everything. It was then we really saw one another, and we could never just be friends after that.

  "We got married at the ripe age of twenty-one. Both my parents and his felt it was too early, but we convinced them we were mature enough to handle it. When my father died, Ryan supported me more, cared for me more. It’s like he was trying to substitute for my father’s role in my life. He was supportive, nurturing, and a good provider but he could never truly replace my dad. No man could.

  “Ryan became the center of my universe. I think I was excessively dependent on him. It was unhealthy. So he pushed me away to work on his own issues.”

  “How did that make you feel?”

  “I felt like I was sinking, lost, alone. I misinterpreted it, as a personal rejection, which led to fighting. He never opened up to me. I mistook it for him not loving me anymore. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t share his feelings with me, confide in me like a spouse should. Now, looking back at it, I think that he was just protecting me.”

  “Are you divorced?”

  “Yeah.”

  “For how long?”

  “Several months.”

  “You still see him?”

  “All the time.”

  “Your relationship with him now?”

  “Closer.”

  “How are you feeling? Can you continue or do you want to go rest for a while and we can pick up tomorrow where we left off?”

  “Tomorrow please.”

  “The nurse will come get you tomorrow then.”

  “Thanks.”

  Dr. Carson stood to shake Dhalia's hand and opened his office door so she could leave.

  When it was dinner time, she looked for a nurse and had the nurse take her to the cafeteria. When she walked in everyone was staring at her. Dhalia took a tray and sat at a vacant table. A young boy brought his tray to her table minutes after she sat down. He started rambling on at a very high speed about cars. The amount of cars that get imported into Canada each year, makes, brands, models, and he just kept going on and on. Dhalia could easily tune him out while she continued to eat. He had no interest in any of her responses, so she didn’t bother responding at all. She was starving.

  After dinner, she went to what was called a common room where she watched television. Everyone was watching Jeopardy. Dhalia was in her own world. In half an hour she grew tired and went back to her room. She snuggled under the covers and closed her eyes to this world. Only forty-eight more hours to go.

  Dr. Carson

  The next morning, a nurse came in and encouraged Dhalia to eat breakfast. She went to the lunchroom and had bran flakes and a piece of tasty banana bread with coffee and juice. The nurses had everyone form a line, just like one in the movies. When it was Dhalia's turn, she was given her new Paxil pill. Staff made sure she swallowed it before she was allowed to step away so the next patient could get his or her pills. She didn’t feel any change after taking her pill. She guessed it needed time to work, or she would have to feel anxious for it to work, she wasn’t sure. She just knew it was for anxiety.

  Dhalia stayed in her room waiting to be called to Dr. Carson’s office. She didn’t have to wait long. The nurse took her to his office again. They greeted each other. No different than yesterday, until they started talking.

  “Shall we carry on?” Dr. Carson inquired.

  “Sure.” She felt weirdly comfortable talking to him. “What do you want me to talk about?”

  “
Bradley Hotman.”

  “He was a coworker at the Association, actually my boss. We worked closely together while we were planning the reality show. He is smart, wealthy, and powerful, and not to mention twenty years older than me. I had the misfortune of being attracted to him after Ryan and I split. He was the only other guy I had been with sexually, ever except Damon. Damon and I never hit a home run. You know what I mean, right, doctor?”

  “Yes, I do,” he confirmed. “Can you tell me about how he treated you before the attack?”

  “Sure, he was kind to me. He supported all of my work endeavors and encouraged me. He was considerate, polite, and most importantly a man who possessed a great deal of power. Bradley said I was beautiful and he enjoyed my skating for several years before asking me out on a date. I was flattered by his interest, and it was mutual. My attraction for him was magnetic. I feel this irresistible pull to him.”

  “Can you tell me what happened? The events leading up to the attack?”

  “I was afraid you were going to ask that.”

  “Take your time. Whenever you are ready.”

  “I guess you could say, I was a lost soul after my marriage dissolved. Bradley was there. He was like I said, older, smart, wealthy. I know he was almost my father’s age, but that’s what attracted me to him even more. He was mature. When I learned he was interested in me, I was excited about the possibilities of entering into a relationship with him. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. We saw each other a couple of times and our dates were going well.

  "I talked Bradley into allowing me to have Ryan at the reality show taping. I mean, he was part of the Association and I couldn’t see myself living in a different province from him for an entire year, maybe two. Bradley was hesitant, and understandably so. If the roles were reversed, I would have been suspicious and jealous too. I convinced him that there was nothing going on between me and Ryan. I also told him I would prefer to work with him but he was too busy in Toronto to be able to work with me in Calgary. I, too, was convinced of all that at the time.”

  “So what changed?” Dr. Carson asked.

  “When Ryan and I moved to Calgary we were getting along really well. I was lonely and missed Bradley. Now I wonder, maybe it was Ryan who I really missed.

  "Ryan and I grew very close and I gave into my desire for him. I don’t even think desire is the right word for it. When Ryan and I are together it’s unconditional, nothing else exists or matters, just us. I slept with Ryan the night before Bradley was to fly in to see how things were going with the show.

  “As a matter-of-fact, I was mad at Bradley because the main reason he flew in wasn’t to see me but to throw his weight around about how the show should be run after giving me free rein, running it the way I wanted to.

  “He came into my room early in the morning and saw that I slept naked, which wasn’t typical for me. He accused me of sleeping with Ryan and then threatened to watch the videotapes in my room. I was cornered and it made me defensive and angry. Not only did I tell him that I wasn’t loyal to him but I rubbed it in his face. I said not even wild horses could have kept me from Ryan.

  "Bradley was infuriated, and looking back, I feel like I drove him to battering and raping me. He forced me to have sex with him. I don’t want to go over the graphic details but not only did he do what he wanted with me, and very roughly at that, he also punched me several times. He treated me like dirt. I suffered a black eye and he nearly broke my cheekbone.

  "Honestly, I felt like I deserved it for making him so mad. I wasn’t going to press charges, but in Canada, I'm sure you're aware, you don’t have a choice. Ryan made it public knowledge on television, submitting a copy of videotape evidence, so it forced the authority's hand and they had no choice but pursue the charge of sexual assault causing bodily harm. They clearly had enough evidence.

  "You know what really bothered me? Ryan watched the tape before submitting it for evidence. I felt like I was violated twice. I never felt so angry or humiliated in all my life. It’s beyond my comprehension why he would feel he had the right to watch the tape. He tried to explain to me but I still think it’s wrong. A part of me is angry at Ryan too.”

  “Did you tell him how you felt?”

  “I told him it upset me, but I didn’t go into the reason for feeling that way, or how he made me feel by doing it.”

  “Did you get any professional help after you were assaulted?”

  “Not really. I was discharged after a day. I didn’t give the police much to go on so I was sent home to recover.”

  “What happened to you the day you were brought in here? Do you remember?”

  “Vaguely. We were at a salon doing the makeovers on the athletes. It was the end of the day. I stayed behind to get my hair done after everyone except Ryan went back to the Village. We were feeling good with each other and went for a walk. We talked. He held my arm and I could swear I was with Bradley. My heart raced. I started sweating. I had to get away. Then my legs gave out and I felt like I was captured.”

  “With whom were you?”

  “Ryan, but I saw Bradley. He grabbed my arm. I know he did. I felt him. I could even smell him.”

  “I think we’ve done enough for today. I’m impressed you were able to discuss all that you did with me, Dhalia. I’m not able to hold you here more than seventy-two hours against your wishes. I also don’t feel you are a danger to yourself or others, however, that being said, you definitely need further counseling if you want to resume a somewhat normal life with healthy relationships.

  “I want you to stay on Paxil until your life has become more stable. I also want to see you a minimum of once a week in my office, until I feel our sessions are no longer necessary and you are handling difficult situations well on your own. You are here for one more day with nursing staff watching over you. Are you having any side effects from the Paxil?”

  “No, but it doesn’t feel like it’s working.”

  “Here is a prescription for you to get filled. You need to take one a day, every day. It takes a few weeks for it to work, and it can’t be stopped quickly. You have to be weaned off it when you are doing better. You can have someone come and get you after tomorrow night's dinner. I’ll see you again in my office before you go. The nurse will come and get you again.”

  "Thank you, Dr. Carson." Dhalia went back to her room for the rest of the day except for when meals were being served. She was thankful to be leaving the following evening.

  Discharge

  On the third day, Dhalia met for the final time with Dr. Carson before discharge. This time, she initiated their conversations. “What are we talking about today?”

  He looked at her while he rubbed his chin and said, “The future, and what do you want out of it?”

  His question was a hard one. She took a moment and thought. They sat in comfortable silence. “Do you want to know my long-term goals or what I want over the next year or so?”

  “Let’s start with over the next year or so.”

  “I would like to sleep without having nightmares, look in the mirror without feeling disgust and self-hate, and most of all I would like to take back every little bit of hurt that I’ve ever caused Ryan.”

  “Is that realistic?” he inquired.

  “No, but that is how I feel.”

  Dr. Carson’s eyes were searching hers. She thought he was trying to read more into her answers. The doctor took her hand. “The nightmares should cease,” he reassured. “That is a stage many people suffer from after being sexually assaulted as in your case.”

  “When am I going to stop losing sleep over what happened?”

  “You have to give yourself time. Stop blaming yourself. You won’t be able to stop hating yourself until you begin to realize that it was not your fault. You can only be responsible for your own actions. Not those of others.”

  “I still think that I brought it on.”

  “When it comes to Ryan, you can’t take away the hurt you previously caused, but you c
an control how you handle your interactions with him in the future.”

  “Ryan had no idea how badly I was doing financially after the divorce. He had no idea what I did for that show to become successful. If he did, he’d probably never speak to me again.”

  “I think you are being too hard on yourself.”

  “You don’t know the half of it.” She shook her head solemnly. “If what I did ever gets out, as I think it will, Ryan won’t want anything more to do with me.”

  He let go of Dhalia's hand and repositioned himself. “Do you want to tell me?”

  “No. I can’t.”

  “You have to relearn to love yourself. Okay, let’s move on to the second part of the question, the distant future.”

  “I want a family. I want children.”

  “Be more specific. Your idea of family and mine may be different. Do you want to be married?”

  “Yes.”

  “To whom?”

  “I don’t know. A part of me can’t see myself married to anyone other than Ryan.”

  “Kids?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  “How many?”

  “Tons.”

  “Do you have any now?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Ryan and I decided to put our skating careers first. Then when we turned professional we did shows. When there was a chance for us to start a family our relationship began to deteriorate. It just never happened for us.”

  “Can you see yourself having children with Ryan?”

  “I think it would have been a dream come true. If we had worked through our problems earlier, sure, I could have seen that. Now, I think I’ve destroyed any chance of that ever happening.”

  “How so?”

  “Can we stop now?” Dhalia felt edgy. She didn’t want to answer any more questions. They all kept coming back to the same answer she wasn’t willing to share with the doctor, or anyone for that matter.

  “Sure, but I want to see you regularly as outpatient.”