A Girl Like Me

by Ni-Ni Simone

  “Like crazy.”

  “Alright. Well give it to me.”

  “What?” I laughed.

  “My kiss.”

  So I smacked my lips loudly into the phone.

  “That’s what I’m talkin’ about.”

  “Now give me one.”

  “Elite—I’ma grown man, baby. What I look like blowing kisses over the phone?”

  “I know you’re not telling me no.” I twisted my lips.

  “Me? Tell my baby no? Never.”

  “Okay, well give it to me.”

  He gave me a kiss over the phone and I said, “You wrong for that.”

  “What?”

  “Did you brush your teeth?”

  “Oh no, you didn’t,” he laughed. “You’re the one just waking up.”

  “I’ma miss you, Haneef.” I felt my heart sink into my chest.

  “I’ll be back, Li’l Ma, and when I come, I’ma come scoop you.”

  “Alright.”

  “Alright…”

  We both paused, and I held on to the phone. “Hmmmm, okay baby, you hang up first,” I insisted.

  “Nah, I can’t. You hang up. I don’t like hanging up on you. You go first.”

  “No, you first. Hang up.”

  “Oh…my…God…” Naja lifted her head from the pillow. “What are y’all, dumb and dumber? The phone doesn’t hang up like that. You have to physically do it. Just place it on the receiver and you’ll disconnect the call. It works wonders.”

  “Shut up,” I mouthed at her. “Hater.”

  She waved her hand dismissively at me and turned back over to sleep.

  “Haneef,” I said, “I’ma miss you. Call me every day.”

  “I will. You know I will. Now I have a plane to catch, so we’re going to have to hang up.”

  “Okay, on the count of three.”

  We counted together, “One…two…three.”

  I held on to see if he really hung up and when I could still hear him breathing, I whispered, “Come get me as soon as you get back.”

  “I will,” he whispered back. “I love you, Elite.”

  I paused. “What?” Maybe I heard him wrong.

  “I love you,” he said again. “Don’t let nothing question that.”

  “I love you, too.” And we both counted to three again and hung up.

  “You two,” Naja turned back over toward me, “are crazy. I really don’t understand how you don’t know how to use the phone. I could’ve showed you that, Elite.”

  “Naja, it wasn’t like that. Haven’t you ever not been able to hang up on your boyfriend?”

  “No. Whenever I had one, he would say bye, I would say bye, and then I would never hear from him again.”

  “I wonder why?” I mumbled.

  “What you say?”

  “Nothing.” I threw the covers off me and eased out of bed.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To find my mother. I need to talk to her.”

  “That’s good, Elite. You think you’ll find her?”

  “I hope so.”

  “Well, if you do, invite her out to the movies with us.”

  “I didn’t know we were going to a movie.”

  “Yeah, it’s Mom-Mom’s birthday. We take her to the movies once a year and it makes her think she’s having a family reunion.”

  I shook my head. Naja’s whole family was crazy. They were the nicest people I knew, but they were nuts. “Y’all ain’t right.”

  “No,” Naja shook her head. “You know our last name is Jones.”

  That was it. I’d heard enough. I gathered my clothes for the day, showered, dressed, told Naja bye, gave her mother a kiss on the cheek and told her I’d be back, and headed out the door.

  I walked down the block toward my building and hoped my mother was there. As I approached the stoop, I saw Gary sitting on the bottom step with a lit cigarette shaking from the corner of his lips.

  “Hey, Lee-Lee.”

  He couldn’t have expected me to speak. I walked right past him and directly into the building. I did not have time for his foolishness. Once I reached our apartment, I put my key in the lock and walked in. At first I felt eerie as memories flooded my mind and clogged my throat, creating an iron fist inside me. I did what I could to shake it off as I walked through the rooms, but saw no sign of my mother. It didn’t seem as if she’d been there in days.

  I hated that I felt tears creep into my eyes, placing me in direct opposition to my newly declared constitution, but I did what I could to hold them back. I reared my shoulders back, walked out of the apartment, and locked the door. I wanted to break down, but how could I? Hadn’t I asked for this? I did tell my Ma to go away…and maybe…just maybe…she took my advice. As I walked down the hall, I knew my tears wouldn’t be staying at bay. And it didn’t take long before I felt them leaving my eyes and easing down my cheeks. I wiped my face and bumped directly into Gary.

  “Dang, Gary, watch where you going!”

  “My bad.”

  He was so played. “Gary, have you seen my mother?”

  “I…” he said as he paused and sniffed, “I…” He tried to speak again, and if I wasn’t mistaken, he looked to be a few seconds from breaking down and crying. “I lost her…” he bellowed. “Lord have mercy, she played me out.”

  “Played you out?”

  “She left me.”

  A smile lit up my face. “Where’d she go?”

  “You smiling, Elite?” he said, taken aback. “You just laughing all up in my face, huh?”

  “No—” I shook my head. “No, not at all.”

  “I can’t believe this. My heartbreak is a joke to you? You never did like me. I’ma good man, Elite, and I loved yo’ mama.”

  “Gary, I’m sure that somewhere, maybe in like the middle of the South African safari, you are a good man.”

  “Well, I’m glad you recognize that.”

  “Yeah…me, too, but where is my mother?”

  “If I had my way, she’d be walking down the aisle with me, saying ‘I do.’”

  That thought was just nasty! “Okay…but where is she now, at this moment?”

  “Beth Israel Hospital, in rehab. And you know, I asked her if I could go, and do you know what she said to me?” he said, answering his own question. “She said, ‘Hell, no!’ Not just ‘no’ but, ‘Hell, no!’ Like that get-out-my-face-you-played-out-fool kinda no. That stop-beggin’-me-for-two-dollars type no.”

  I tried to stop cheesin’, but I couldn’t help it much. “Why’d she tell you that?” I asked, trying to sound sincere.

  “Because I told her Beth Israel Hospital sounded nice. Sounded real nice. Like some place real fancy and distinguished. You know, a good night’s sleep on some nice white sheets and three full meals a day. Meet some new people and everything, you know what I mean? I even told her maybe we would see some people we knew and she told me—” he started to break down and cry—“hell no, she wasn’t going on vacation.”

  “I guess that really hurt you, huh?”

  “Tore me down, Elite. Tore me straight up and down to the ground down. Now what—what—Elite—what I’ma gon’ do?”

  “Go get some help, Gary.” I couldn’t believe I was saying that. “Clean yourself up, get a job, and be determined to be about something.”

  But I didn’t say, ‘and then come back for my mother.’ And that was because I wanted this bum ass loser gone. I wanted to say good-bye, give him a salute, and send him on his way. “Take care, Gary.” I patted him on the shoulder.

  “Thanks, Elite. Thanks for wishing me well.”

  “Uhmm hmmm, anytime.” I practically skipped away.

  As I walked away from the building, I started thinking about everything that had been happening. I went in my purse and pulled out the social worker’s card—I needed to see my sisters and brothers. I was sure she didn’t work on the weekends, so I knew I’d have to leave her a message. The phone rang twice but to my surprise, she ans
wered. “Hello, this is Mrs. Jameson.”

  “Hi, Mrs. Jameson…” I hesitated. “This is Elite.”

  “Hi, Elite. I was going to call you today.”

  “I didn’t expect you to be in the office.”

  “Yes, sometimes I work on Saturdays. And I was thinking about you because I want to set up a visit for you and your siblings.”

  “Wow.” I’m sure she could hear me smiling. “That’s what I wanted to ask you. I miss them so much.”

  “And they miss you, too.”

  “Mrs. Jameson, did you know my mother was in rehab?”

  “Oh, yes!” she said excited. “She started almost two weeks ago, and from what the program tells me, she’s doing very well!”

  “Do you know how long she’ll be in there?” I asked.

  “She’ll be in the hospital for ninety days, and then she’ll begin an outpatient program.”

  “Can I see her?”

  “Not until she’s released from the hospital.”

  I sighed. “That long?”

  “It’s not that long,” she said. “But you do know, Elite, rehabilitation is life-long.”

  “Yes, I know.”

  “And drug abuse doesn’t just affect and change a family, rehabilitation does, too. So when you see your mom again, she will be a changed person.”

  “Do you think…you know, that she’ll really do it?”

  “Yes, I think so. But ultimately it is up to your mom.”

  “True.”

  “But I also think that she loves you all very much, and can’t wait to have you back home.”

  “I can’t wait to be back home.”

  “And hopefully that will be soon,” she said with a tone of reassurance. “Now, let me contact the foster parent and let her know I want to schedule a visit with your siblings. I’ll call you in a few weeks, okay?”

  “Mrs. Jameson, before you hang up, can you tell me if you’ve seen Ny’eem?”

  “Yes, and I did ask the Youth House if you would be able to visit, but they said you had to be eighteen.”

  “I know, but when you see him again, can you tell him I love him?”

  “Yes, I sure will.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Good-bye, Elite.”

  “Good-bye.” I hung up the phone and no matter how I tried to fight it, tears escaped from my eyes and slid down my cheeks.

  I had one more thing I needed to do, though. So I walked to the bus stop and caught the bus to the mall. Once I reached my destination, I was a little hesitant, not knowing what reaction I would get or even what I should expect. But I knew I had to do this, no matter what. I walked into bebe and Thelma was behind the counter.

  “Thelma,” I said quietly.

  She looked up and I could tell her first instinct was to smile, but then it seemed she quickly changed her mind. “What do you want?” She picked up the security phone. “You’re not supposed to be in here!”

  “I know, Thelma, and I’m not going to stay long. I only came to apologize.”

  “Ha! I hope this is not some cheap ploy to get your job back or have me drop the charges, because it won’t work.”

  “No,” I shook my head. “No. I’m really sorry. I betrayed your trust and what I did was wrong, so I don’t expect either one of those things. But you gave me a chance, and no matter what was going on in my life—or who I wanted to impress—it doesn’t excuse what I did.”

  She swallowed as I continued, “You are a nice person and an even better manager, and you deserve to be treated with respect. I’m sorry I didn’t give you all that I should’ve. So Thelma, I didn’t come to persuade you to do something you don’t want to, I simply came to let you know that I know I was wrong.”

  She cleared her throat. “Are you done?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. You may leave now.”

  I gave her a quick wave and left. No matter what, I felt good about what I’d done.

  An hour later I was back at Naja’s and she, her parents, and Mom-Mom were leaving to go out.

  “Elite,” Neecy said, “I was wondering when you were coming back. Are you coming with us?”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Sure?” Naja said. “We’re going to see the new Will Smith movie and Mom-Mom said she ain’t seen Will and the kids in a long time.”

  “Sho’ haven’t,” Mom-Mom interjected, “and I hope he don’t bring that Jada with him or it’s gon’ be on like pop-pop-popcorn.” She snapped her fingers, threw up a hand sign, and started rappin’, “That’s why they call me Delicious.”

  Oh-kay. I folded my lips. “Awwl, nah, I’ll be just fine staying home.”

  “All right,” Neecy said. “Well, there’s plenty in the kitchen. See you when we get back.”

  “Oh, before I forget,” Naja whispered as her parents and Mom-Mom walked toward the car. “Thelma called and said she wouldn’t be pressing charges.”

  “Really? Who’d she tell that to?”

  “Me. I was the one who answered the phone. And after she told me about the charges, she said that she didn’t ever want to see our asses again.”

  “What?!” I said, excited. “And what did you say?”

  “Hmph, I told her that could be arranged because I don’t remember her seeing my ass anyway.”

  I cracked up laughing. “Bye, Naja, bye.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. I’ll talk to you later.”

  I laughed all the way inside the house and after I stopped laughing so hard I walked toward the kitchen to pop me some popcorn. I had to love ’em, those people. I had to love ’em.

  After retrieving the popcorn from the microwave, I noticed it was time for the awards show to start. I flopped on the sofa and clicked on the TV. But—Lil Wayne was with Tierra Marie? I cracked up. Plus, I saw what Jennifer Hudson had on—she was one hot mess!

  As the stars continued down the red carpet, I ran in the kitchen and grabbed a cold Pepsi. I thought I heard Haneef’s voice drifting from the TV, but I wasn’t sure, so when I plopped back down on the couch and saw Chris Brown giving an interview, I knew I’d heard wrong. At least I thought I had, until the camera switched focus and I saw Haneef holding hands with Deidra, walking onto the red carpet. I blinked at least a thousand times; I could’ve sworn I was seeing wrong.

  “Haneef!” a reporter called to him. “Tell us how you feel about your hood Cinderella getting so much bad publicity?”

  He grabbed Deidra and pulled her to his chest. “This is my hood Cinderella,” and he kissed her on the lips. “All those things you heard in the papers were rumors. It’s only one girl for me.”

  I sat there stunned. Suddenly all the air had once again left my body. So in disbelief was I that I grabbed the DVR remote and rewound the TV, only to see what I was hoping I hadn’t seen—again.

  It was a good thing I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, because despite my chest caving in, I didn’t have any more tears left.

  I wasn’t sure how it happened, but somehow the popcorn ended up all over the floor and I sat there too, balled up with my knees to my chest and my head in between, as I felt my heart explode inside my chest cavity.

  SPIN IT…

  Track 25

  No one had ever told me that it would hurt like this. I had learned about everything else in school: math, reading, writing, sociology, economics, politics, sex, STDs…and all the other shit I needed to know, I learned at home with a drug-addicted mother or in the streets. But this—no one ever told me that love pierced your soul…

  And it had to be love because I didn’t know what the hell else to blame it on.

  Haneef and Deidra’s pictures were all over the internet and the newspapers. “The New Jay-Z and Beyoncé” were the headlines, and I was dismissed as a rumor, nothing more. Everything we’d shared and all that I’d confided in him had been reduced to shit. I was once again labeled a groupie who had won a radio contest and carried my prize too far. I should’ve known better than
to think I was cut out to be with a superstar anyway. For real-for real, I was better off by myself anyway. In fact, I didn’t even want a boyfriend.

  I laid in bed, and all the lies I told myself with the hopes of feeling better blew up in my face and turned me into a crumbling fool. I’d gone from fierce, fly, and fabulous to a hot mumbling mess.

  I’d been in bed for two days and my phone had been ringing nonstop. I knew it was Haneef, because right after his number stopped showing up, a mysterious number started popping up at all times of the day and night on my caller ID. I would’ve hoped he had gotten the hint. There was no way I could talk to him or ever be with him again. I’d been rejected, disappointed, and hurt enough in my life. I didn’t need more.

  “Elite,” Naja said while standing in the bedroom doorway. “Haneef is here to see you.”

  “Tell him I said go away.”

  “You know what? I started to tell him that when I saw him walk up the stairs. But you know what? No. I’m not going to because you need to talk to him.”

  “You know what he did to me, Naja! You know what he did!”

  “I know, Elite, and I’m not saying to take him back or be with him—”

  “So then what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying tell him what you have to say now. Forget later, forget go away and never come back—tell him now, because if he keeps standing in my living room, I might mess around and straight black on him!” And she stormed away.

  I stared at the ceiling. My entire life had become too much. Somehow, something had happened and the universe was throwing my whole life out of whack. I got up, slipped on a pair of shorts and a tee, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and walked into the living room.

  Haneef’s eyes lit up when he saw me. “How you doin’?” I just looked at him. It was the second time, in the very same spot, that somebody who’d hurt me had asked me the same stupid ass question.

  I squinted my eyes and looked at him. “You really wanna know how I’m doin’? Do you really?”

  “Elite, listen, I need you to understand—”

  “You don’t need me to understand shit!” I poked him in his chest. “I don’t even wanna hear it! All you do is lie. I’ve asked since the first time we started going together if you were with Deidra, and you said no—”