by A. T Brennan
“Sam!” I rushed over to my brother and only then noticed that Leda, my oldest sibling was with him. “Leda? What happened? What do we know?”
“Did you check a bag?” Sam asked as I shouldered my duffle bag.
“No. What’s going on? You said it was a car accident?”
Leda nodded for me to follow her and Sam as we left the airport.
“It’s not as bad as they originally thought,” she started, her voice not as reassuring as I’d hoped. “He was a passenger when his friend was hit by a driver who ran a red. They were worried about brain swelling, but they’ve ruled that out.”
“That’s good. What’s wrong with him? What did he hurt?”
“His right leg was broken in two places, they had to do surgery to put pins in to set it. He’s got broken ribs, a pretty serious concussion, whiplash and he broke his jaw when he hit the airbag.”
“Fuck...” I shook my head as I took in all of his injuries. “What about his friend?”
Sam shook his head sadly. “He didn’t make it.”
“Shit, does Micah know?”
“He’s still in and out from the meds, we haven’t told him yet.”
“Can I see him?”
“Yeah, Mom and Peter are there now, Dad and Andrea sat with him overnight. The rest of us have been in and out.” Leda nodded.
“Good. How’s everyone else?”
We stopped at Sam’s SUV and I waited for him to unlock the door.
“In shock. It’s just so surreal. I mean, it’s Micah...”
“I know.” I sighed and climbed into the car, tossing my bag on the seat next to me.
“He’s been moved from critical to stable condition. The doctors say he should make a full recovery. He’ll need physical therapy for his leg, but everything else should heal fine.” Leda turned in her seat to look back at me as Sam started the car.
“I’ll bring your bag to my place, you can crash in our spare room,” Sam offered.
“Thanks, Sam.”
As Sam drove I pulled my phone out. There was a message from Isaac.
We’re thinking of you. Please let us know what’s going on. If you need anything, call.
The message was sweet, but something about it didn’t sit right. Instead of answering I shoved my phone back in my pocket and focused on the familiar scenery as it passed me by. All I could think about was Micah. I needed to see him for myself before I could believe he was going to be okay.
* * * * *
The next few days were a bit of a blur.
Micah gradually became more lucid and stayed awake for longer periods of time. He couldn’t speak because of his jaw, but he managed to write down what he needed to say and point to a picture chart when he wanted something.
I’d been there when our parents had told him about his friend. Mom had wanted me to talk to him, to put on my counselor hat and help him through the initial grief. It was hell, trying to reassure him and tell him all the right things when he couldn’t answer me. I’d never seen him so broken and vulnerable, and it scared the shit out of me.
They’d released him after five days and he’d gone home with several prescriptions, a set of crutches, and a wheelchair to use until his ribs and body healed enough for him to be able to use the crutches.
With all of my brothers and sisters, plus spouses, nieces and nephews, and our parents around, he had plenty of support, and when Dad suggested I go home I’d wanted to fight and tell him I wasn’t leaving until Micah was up and on his feet.
But Dad was right. With everyone around, Micah had enough support to get him through this, and he was going to see a psychiatrist when he was up to it.
I had kids at Open Arms who needed me, and Micah was going to be okay. There was nothing more I could do for him. It was time to go home.
One thing I’d done too much of during this whole ordeal was think.
Micah’s accident had reinforced the fact that life was short and you never knew what was going to happen. It made me not want to waste a single day, but it also made me realize that I was being selfish.
Isaac and Cody had tried to keep in touch with me, but after three days of ignoring their calls and only answering half their texts with as few words and details as possible, they’d stopped reaching out.
It was a good thing. It hurt like a motherfucker, but it’s what needed to happen.
Isaac and Cody were incredible men. I loved them, but I didn’t belong with them.
They were both young and vibrant, and they had a history I could never compete with. They loved each other completely, I could see it in every touch, every look, and while they were good about including me in their lives, I was the third wheel.
Maybe I’d been the catalyst to help Cody open up about his abuse, but it was Isaac who’d helped him get over his aversion to touch. For some crazy reason, they’d needed me to bridge the gap between them, and now that they were able to be together, there was no place for me in the relationship.
It killed me to even think about it, but it was better for everyone if I bowed out now before I was left behind.
* * * * *
I didn’t tell Cody and Isaac that I was coming home. I guess there was a part of me that wanted to hold on to them for a few days longer. If they knew I was home we’d have to talk, and then I’d have to say goodbye to them.
Instead of wallowing I tried to distract myself. I hit the gym, went for a punishing run, called Open Arms to get an update on what was going on, and then cleaned my house from top to bottom. By the time I was done everything I was so exhausted I fell into bed and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
When my alarm went off at six my entire body hurt. It had been a long time since I’d done a double workout, and it had caught up to me.
A hot shower loosened up my aching muscles, and a second cup of coffee gave me the extra jolt I needed to get my brain to focus on the day ahead.
“How’s your brother?” Josh asked as soon as I walked through the front doors.
“He’s home. It’s going to take time for him to heal and go through therapy, but he should make a full recovery.”
“That’s good. How are you doing?” He looked at me closely. “You look like hell. Did you only get in yesterday?”
“Yeah. I caught an early flight.”
“You should have taken a few days off to process everything.”
“Thank you, Mr. Counselor.” I gave him a wry grin as he followed me into my office.
It was early enough that all of the kids were on their way to school, and since we didn’t have any over-age kids staying with us at the moment, the building was empty outside of staff.
“I’m serious. This is a huge thing. You need to take care of yourself.”
“I’m fine.” I dropped my messenger bag on my desk and flopped down in my chair so I could start my computer. I was not looking forward to having to sift through a week’s worth of emails.
“Fine, if you say so.” Josh sat on the edge of the desk. “Want me to get you up to speed?”
“Sure.”
We spent the next hour talking about the kids and the comings and goings of the last week. Rhett, one of our youngest kids at only thirteen, had been taken in by an aunt, and we’d had a few more kids come in looking for lodging.
Our drop-ins were going up, but our volunteer list was growing and they’d already started organizing more themed entertainment nights so the kids could have things to look forward to.
A lot had happened in a week, including finding out who had robbed Galen’s office.
“How come no one told me?” I demanded as soon as Josh mentioned that the police had figured out who it was.
“You had other things going on. I’m telling you now.”
“So it was Dante?”
“Yeah. He was looking for files on the kids we helped escape. Apparently he had some of his thugs go after the files so he could track the kids down and get them back into it.”
“Did he ge
t the info? Has our network collapsed?”
“No. Those files are electronic only and highly protected because of how sensitive they are. They got the run of the mills stuff like adoptions, guardianships, and restraining orders. It’s bad, but not as bad as it could be.”
“Thank Christ.” I blew out a breath and leaned back in my chair. “So is he finally behind bars?”
Josh shook his head ruefully. “They’re working on charges. His goons aren’t talking and there’s nothing to connect Dante to the break-in other than the cops knowing those assholes work for him. They’re trying to get him for trafficking and sex charges, but it’s going to take time.”
“The sooner he’s behind bars the better. God knows how many kids he has working for him.”
My mind wandered to Cody’s story about his own abuse. Even if Dante was off the streets and behind bars, there would always be other assholes out there who would use and take advantage of street kids.
“From what I’ve heard they’re really cracking down on him, gathering as much evidence as they can. He’s a slippery fucker, but he’ll fuck up and they’ll get him.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Want me to man the desk while you start on those emails? If you don’t get cracking you’ll be here all night.”
“You laugh now, but you’ll be in the same boat after your vacation next month.”
“Ugh. Don’t remind me.”
I chuckled as Josh headed out of my office and turned to my computer, my chuckle turning into a sigh as my email opened up. There were over two hundred unread emails in my inbox. This was going to take fucking forever.
* * * * *
I ended up staying at Open Arms until almost eight that night, putting in thirteen hours even though I’d only been on the schedule until four. I’d had a lot of work to catch up on, but that wasn’t the reason I’d stayed.
I made excuses, saying I wanted to hang out with the kids and help a few of them out with their homework, but the truth was I didn’t want to go home.
Cody and Isaac had only been in my life for a short time, but everything in my house reminded me of them. I couldn’t eat at the table or prepare food in the kitchen without thinking of all the nights we had dinner together. My living room couch was where we’d watch movies and cuddle, and I was seriously considering moving into my guest room because the thought of sleeping in my bed alone physically hurt.
I wasn’t ready to contact them yet. I needed a few days to come to terms with everything, and I didn’t want to break down when I faced them.
They were such pure and good souls I knew they’d argue with me. If they didn’t hate me for going dark on them, that is. They seemed to honestly believe there was a future for the three of us, and I knew it would fall on me to be strong and let them go.
Of course, all this could be for naught and they could have already moved on together, but until I talked to them, I’d never know.
I was going to give myself three days.
I didn’t want to make them angry by acting the way I had been, but a part of me wished they would be mad, that way we could make a clean break and they could already be on their way to forgetting about me. I hated the thought that our last conversation could be angry, but it was better this way. I needed to make this as easy for them as I could. I owed them that much.
After making up my mind and realizing I couldn’t hide out at work forever, I went home to face my grief head on. I was always telling my kids that they needed to face the hard memories and thoughts instead of pushing them aside. The only way to heal and deal with pain was to accept it, avoiding it would only give it power over you.
It was time I started heading my own advice.
* * * * *
By nine o’clock I was at a complete loss of what to do.
I had no work pending, I’d already cleaned my house and my body would never forgive me if I went for another run or tried to work out.
My mind was too scattered to read, and I had no desire to sit and try to focus on a television show or a movie.
Thankfully my grumbling stomach distracted me while I made and ate some dinner. Once the dishes were cleared and everything was clean, I found myself standing in my living room unable to decide where I wanted to sit.
I was a complete mess and I needed to get my shit together. Breakups happened all the time. I’d been dumped, been the one doing the dumping, and I’d had my heart broken, but the raw pain and despair I felt now was nothing compared to what I’d experienced in the past.
I was still trying to figure out what to do when the doorbell rang, scaring the ever-loving shit out of me.
As I tried to get my heart rate to go back to normal I made my way to my front door, a wave of sadness mixed with mild panic washing over me. There were only two people who would be at my door at this hour, and I wasn’t ready to see them.
After taking a deep breath I opened the door, and my heart broke just a little bit more, even as my adrenaline surged and lust washed over me.
Isaac and Cody looked as incredible as ever. They also looked concerned, which killed me. It would have been better if they’d been angry or hurt, that I could have handled.
“Can we come in?” Isaac asked after a pregnant pause.
I didn’t say anything, I just stepped back and watched them come inside.
“How did you know I was back?” I asked as I closed the door.
“We saw you at Open Arms. We went in to volunteer and you were heading down the main hallway when we got to the door,” Cody answered.
“Jonah, what’s going on?” Isaac asked softly. “Please, talk to us. Don’t just pull away thinking it’s going to make us disappear.”
“I...”
“Please, tell us. Whatever it is we can work it out,” Cody pleaded, his eyes and voice desperate. “We don’t care what it is.”
“I’ve just had a lot of time to think. With everything going on... after seeing my brother... it made me realize that life really is short.”
I knew I wasn’t explaining it well, or at all, but it was hard to get the words out.
“Did you meet someone else—”
“No, there’s no one else.” I cut Isaac off, shaking my head.
“Then what is it?”
“You don’t need me.”
There. I said it. I got the words out, but I didn’t feel even an iota of relief. If anything I felt worse, like the floor was about to swallow me up and I’d be happy to go.
“What?” Cody exclaimed as they glanced at each other. “How can you say that? Of course we need you, Jonah.”
“You two are incredible. You’re perfect, and you’re meant for each other.” I shook my head, swallowing the lump in my throat as I wished the floor actually would open up and take me. “You two should be together, I’m just a—”
“Don’t you dare say anything unless it’s that you’re a part of us, of this,” Isaac cut in angrily. “We wouldn’t be together at all if it wasn’t for you. What do you think? That we used you to get together and now we don’t need you? That you’re a third wheel or an afterthought of some kind?”
“Aren’t I?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking, hating how high and vulnerable my voice sounded.
“No, not even for a second.” Isaac shook his head vehemently.
“I love you, Jonah.” Cody said loudly, looking right into my eyes. “I love Isaac and have for a long time, but I love you just as much, and I need both of you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when I first felt it, but I do.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe it. Cody loved me?
I knew both men well enough to be able to see if they were lying or telling the truth, and by the look in Cody’s eyes, the tone of his voice, even the way he was standing tall and straight, I knew he was telling the truth.
“I love you too, Jonah.” Isaac looked from Cody to me. “You’re as much a part of my life as Cody is, and the thought of losing you... I can’t. I won’t. The only
way I’m letting you go is if you tell us here and now that you don’t love us. That you don’t feel what we feel.”
I couldn’t say anything.
I loved both men, completely and truly, but would it be enough?
“What’s holding you back?” Cody asked softly.
“No one has ever needed me before,” I answered, my voice cracking. “I’ve always been the one who’s made the compromises and needed my partner, but I’ve never felt that back.”
“You don’t feel it with us?” Isaac asked.
“I did, do, I guess. But it’s terrifying because I still feel like you’re going to wake up and realize that I’m not enough. That you have each other and I’m just—”
“You’re more than enough, Jonah.” Isaac stepped closer, his hand reaching out for mine. “Everything about you is enough.”
I let him take my hand, his words washing over me as Cody gently grasped my other hand.
“I love you, Jonah. Isaac loves you. We need you more than you’ll ever know.” Cody squeezed my hand, drawing my attention to him. “I’ve waited my entire life to feel loved. To feel worthy and confident and free. You’ve both helped bring me to this point, where I finally feel like I deserve to be happy. That someone can love me, even with everything I’ve been through—”
“Cody—”
“I spent twelve years feeling dirty and unworthy. I never thought I would find one man to love, and now I have two. Isaac is my soulmate, but so are you. I might have met Isaac first, but I needed you to come into my life before I could move past all the shit that’s been holding me back. There would be no us without you, Jonah. You complete us.”
“It’s true, babe.” Isaac reached into his back pocket with his free hand and pulled out some folded papers. “Cody and I have spent the last week being a couple so we could support each other through you being gone, but there was always something missing. Sleeping together, having sex, even just eating a meal or texting didn’t feel right because you weren’t there. We missed you, babe. So much.”
“I missed you too,” I managed to choke out, squeezing both of their hands.