by Sarah Morgan
‘It’s the truth, Finn.’
‘Your version of the truth,’ he said slowly, stepping closer to her. ‘Now you can hear my version.’
She stared at him. ‘Our versions are both the same, it’s just that you’re afraid to admit it.’
‘Uh-huh.’ He shook his head slowly. ‘I’m not the one who’s scared around here. You’re the one who’s afraid, Jules, of your own feelings.’
She lifted her chin and her eyes sparked. ‘I’m not afraid of anything, Finn.’ She chewed her lip. ‘Except flying.’
He was silent for a long second and then he slid a hand across her cheek and into her hair, forcing her to look at him. ‘You’re afraid of your own emotions, sweetheart, that’s what you’re afraid of. I was marrying you because I loved you,’ he said softly. ‘I’ve always loved you. And deep down you knew that. And it frightened the life out of you.’
She stared at him, stunned, and her heart stumbled and took off at a frantic pace. ‘That isn’t true.’
It couldn’t be. He hadn’t followed her. He hadn’t come after her.
‘I know it’s scary for you to hear that, but it is true,’ Finn said quietly, his dark eyes steady on hers. ‘I should have told you sooner but you were young and always so jumpy and commitment-shy that I didn’t want to crowd you. I was biding my time. Playing a waiting game.’ He gave a wry, self-deprecating smile. ‘Unfortunately I wasn’t that great at waiting, was I?’
She flushed as explicit, erotic memories flashed into her brain. ‘That was my fault, too,’ she mumbled. ‘You always tried to keep your distance from me. I seduced you.’ She’d been desperate for him. She tried to move her face away from his hand but he held her firm.
‘Hardly. I’d been holding back for so long I was on the edge. I always promised myself I wouldn’t touch you until you were eighteen.’ He gave her a lazy, sexy smile. ‘I made it by about two hours if my recollection is correct.’
Her whole body heated and throbbed. ‘So…’ Juliet’s green eyes were fiery as she glared at him. ‘We had sex. That doesn’t mean anything. Plenty of people have sex without getting married.’
His firm mouth moved in the glimmer of a smile. ‘You were a virgin, Jules, so don’t make it sound like a casual encounter. We both know it meant more than that.’
Her heart was thudding so hard she wondered that he couldn’t hear it. ‘Every woman has a first—it’s not that big a deal.’
‘Ouch.’ His eyes gleamed with lazy amusement. ‘It’s a good job my ego is robust. Not that big a deal?’ his eyes dropped to her mouth again. ‘Do you want me to describe it to you? Jog your memory?’
‘No!’ She jerked away from him, suddenly unable to breathe. ‘No, I do not. And I don’t understand what this is about. Why are you doing this? It’s all over.’
‘It’s still there between us and it always will be until you learn to talk about it and stop avoiding things that frighten you,’ he said calmly, lifting a hand and smoothing a strand of blonde hair away from her face. ‘I want you to admit that I loved you. And I want you to admit that you loved me, too.’
Her legs shook and she stared at him, her breath coming in short rapid pants. ‘I didn’t love you. I’m sorry, but I didn’t love you, Finn.’
He reached out a hand and hauled her back against him, his mouth only inches from hers. ‘Remember that night we made love for the first time, Jules?’ His voice was husky and masculine. ‘You sobbed and cried and clung to me.’
She could hardly breathe. All she could feel was the hard press of his powerful body against hers and the bite of his fingers. ‘So, you’re a good lover.’
‘You think this was about bedroom technique?’
‘Finn—’
‘You’re forgetting that I know you better than anyone, Juliet,’ he said quietly. ‘And I always have. I’ve known you since you were four years old. I knew you loved me but I also knew you were panicking about the wedding. I could see it in your eyes and feel it in your kiss. You were so afraid you were all jammed up inside. I was waiting for you to talk to me about it. I thought you trusted me that much.’
Guilt twisted inside her.
‘Frankly I was amazed that you didn’t break it off and run as soon as you lost the baby. I should have known you would never make it to the church.’
‘I didn’t plan it,’ she said desperately, trying to make him understand. But how could she explain something that she didn’t understand herself? ‘I just woke up and—’ She broke off, her heart pounding with the memory. ‘I just knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it, and I’m sorry.’
She was breathing rapidly and he stood watching her, his dark eyes steady on her face.
‘You owe me more than a guilty “sorry”, Jules. You owe me a proper explanation. A conversation where you don’t run away before the end of it. I want you to talk about what happened and I want you to talk about how you felt. I want you to open up.’
‘No.’
‘Yes.’ He gave a harsh laugh. ‘Have you any idea how contrary you are? You’re the only woman I know who doesn’t talk about her feelings and the only woman I know who isn’t obsessed with marriage and settling down.’
She backed away from him, her eyes wide and her cheeks flushed. ‘I don’t want to settle down.’
‘I know that.’ His voice was patient, as if he were speaking to a wild animal on the brink of flight. ‘I think you gave me a clue when you fled from our wedding.’
‘Dr Adams? Juliet?’ Sally called across to her from the other tent and Finn gave a wry smile and a resigned shrug.
‘You’d better go and deal with your sick trekkers, Dr Adams. But don’t think this is the end of the conversation. We’ve barely started.’
‘Trekkers?’ Her voice croaky, Juliet turned her head and blinked, realising that she’d totally forgotten the existence of the trekkers until this moment. All she’d been aware of had been Finn. ‘One of them is ill?”
‘Both of them.’ Finn stooped and picked up her medical bag. ‘I expect you’re going to be needing this.’
Juliet tried to concentrate—tried to push the dark, swirling thoughts out of her mind. ‘All right, we’ll talk.’ He wasn’t going to take no for an answer and, anyway, maybe talking would help. They could end it, once and for all. ‘But not here, and not now. It isn’t the right place.’
He pushed the bag into her shaking hands and gave a crooked smile that was both mocking and sexy. ‘We’re at five thousand metres, sweetheart. Just what constitutes “the right place”? Everest isn’t exactly a good place for a formal date.’
‘I don’t want a date.’ Her heart thumped. She couldn’t believe she was saying that. There’d been a time when a date with Finn had been all she’d dreamed of. ‘But I know I owe you an apology.’
His gaze dropped to her mouth. ‘You owe me the truth, Jules,’ he said softly, ‘and that’s what I want from you. I want to you to admit that you loved me, and that you ran from me because you were scared of your own feelings. And mine. You’re terrified of being hurt, and that’s why you run.’
She stared at him, frozen and poised in terror, like a deer who has spotted danger.
But through her building panic she was aware of the sudden flare of heat low in her pelvis. The chemistry between them was so powerful that it took her breath away.
But it wasn’t love.
It had never been love, she told herself frantically.
Finn was a staggeringly handsome, interesting, charismatic man and there wasn’t a woman on the planet who wouldn’t respond to the attentions of a man like him.
It wasn’t love.
‘I think we have a different view of the past,’ she said shakily, clutching her medical bag to her chest like a barrier. ‘And I don’t see the point in talking about it. We’re both going to have other things on our mind once we reach Base Camp.’
‘You think so?’ He placed a finger over her mouth to stop her talking. ‘Go and see to your trekkers, Dr Ada
ms. We’ll continue this conversation later.’
She didn’t want to carry on the conversation later, she thought frantically. She wasn’t in love with him and she never had been.
It had been friendship. And a strong physical attraction, certainly—but love?
No, no, and no!
Juliet changed the subject quickly. ‘How do you know they’re ill?’
She walked towards the tents and Finn stayed by her side.
‘I heard them being sick,’ Finn said dryly, ‘so that’s a clue. Could be a stomach bug, of course, but given the rest of the facts I very much doubt it. They overdid it yesterday and they’ve been complaining on and off about headaches.’ He cast a speculative look in her direction. ‘You’re breathless, Dr Adams. Are you sure that the altitude isn’t affecting you?’
He knew exactly what was troubling her but she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of admitting just how much he’d unsettled her.
‘We’re very high up here,’ she hedged, dragging her eyes away from the dark stubble on his jaw. He looked rough, masculine and sexier than any man had a right to be at this altitude. ‘It’s normal to breathe more rapidly, as you well know.’
His gaze rested on her face. ‘I also know that you’re perfectly accustomed to walking at altitude. Is my presence here bothering you, Jules?’
Her breathing stopped altogether. ‘Why would your presence worry me?’ She tried to sound nonchalant and his gaze dropped to her mouth and then lifted again.
‘I can think of a number of reasons. Would you like me to list them?’
‘No. No, I definitely wouldn’t. And you being here doesn’t bother me,’ she lied, ‘and I’m breathless because we’re high up, there isn’t enough oxygen in the air and I walked too fast yesterday. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to see to my trekkers. They’re my responsibility until we reach Base Camp.’
After that another trek leader would escort them back down the trail to Lukla, where they would catch a flight back to Kathmandu.
‘Could be the food.’
‘Could be,’ Finn conceded, ‘but then there’s the headaches they mentioned. If you want my opinion, your trekkers have AMS.’
Acute mountain sickness.
Juliet hoped that wasn’t the case or they’d be descending, because the only cure was to climb down to a lower altitude in order to let the body recover.
She glanced around her with an expression of distaste. ‘The sickness could just be this place. It’s unhygienic and generally disgusting.’
‘Not exactly the Ritz,’ Finn agreed, pausing outside the tent and lifting the flap. ‘How are you men doing now?’
There was a grunt of acknowledgement and Gary stuck his head out of the tent, his eyes half-shut.
‘I’ve stopped being sick but I feel dreadful and my head is being hit by a hammer.’
Juliet’s heart sank. ‘It doesn’t have to be altitude sickness. There are plenty of causes for a headache. Did you sleep last night?’
He shook his head. ‘First it was my stomach, then my head, then my stomach again. Sleep didn’t get a look-in.’
Juliet examined him as best she could in the circumstances. ‘He has a mild tachycardia and his temperature is slightly raised,’ she muttered to Finn as she pulled her stethoscope out of her bag and listened to Gary’s chest. ‘That sounds clear.’
She sat back on her heels and looked at the trekker. ‘You walked quite fast yesterday. Did you drink alcohol last night?’
She was running through all the possibilities, but Gary pulled a face and shook his head. ‘Didn’t feel well enough.’
‘Did you drink much fluid at all?’ Could he be suffering from dehydration? It was certainly possible. ‘Are you passing urine frequently?’
Gary shook his head. ‘Not much.’
Faced with a difficult decision, Juliet looked at Finn. ‘What do you think?’ Whatever else she thought of him, she knew him to be a highly skilled doctor and she valued his opinion. ‘It isn’t cut and dried, is it?’
‘AMS never is,’ he said dryly, ‘but you know the rules as well as I do.’
Juliet bit her lip and dropped her stethoscope back into her bag. ‘You think he should descend?’
‘I think it’s always best to be conservative,’ Finn advised, a sympathetic expression on his handsome face. ‘A difficult decision, I know, but the truth is he needs to go down. A drop in altitude should solve the problem. If it doesn’t then we’re looking at something else entirely.’
By now Neil had joined them. ‘I’m not feeling that well myself,’ he admitted as he listened to them talking and caught the drift of the conversation, ‘so I’m very happy to provide the escort. We’ll go back down to Pheriche and then if he doesn’t improve at least he can see the doctors in the clinic. He can wait for the rest of his party there and I’ll climb back up in a few days and meet you at Base Camp when my pounding headache has gone.’
Juliet brushed her hair out of her eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted. ‘You, too?’
Neil grinned and gave a boyish shrug. ‘Me, too. Oh, how the mighty are fallen.’
Suddenly everyone seemed to be feeling the effects of altitude.
Juliet hesitated. Sending Gary back down the mountain seemed like the only solution but still it was hard to terminate someone’s dreams. She knew that if Gary dropped down now, he wouldn’t be climbing back up again. There wasn’t sufficient time in the trekking programme to allow for a further ascent up the Khumbu glacier to Base Camp.
Gary glanced between them and then gave a resigned shrug. ‘So I guess that’s it for me. You can’t see the summit from Base Camp anyway,’ he muttered with surprising good humour. ‘We’ve already had the best views of the mountain and frankly I feel so bad I couldn’t face taking another step upwards if you offered me money. I’m actually not that bothered to be going down.’
He looked grim and while they were sitting there, debating the best course of action, he had to hurry away to be sick again.
‘I’ll give him something for the nausea and vomiting,’ Juliet said finally, opening her bag again, ‘and some aspirin for the headache. I’ll give Neil some acetazolamide and dexamethasone in case he gets worse on the way down. How’s Simon?’
Simon hadn’t even emerged from the tent and was lying on his side with his eyes closed. ‘Don’t tell me it’s time to go,’ he groaned. ‘I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Send both of them down,’ Finn said immediately, a frown in his eyes. ‘This is probably a result of both of them overdoing it on the trail over the past few days. They’re exhausted and that tends to contribute to the development of AMS.’
Juliet sat back on her heels and sighed. ‘I tried telling them to slow down.’
‘I wish I’d listened.’ Simon kept his eyes closed. ‘Your story of the hare and the tortoise doesn’t seem so stupid now.’
Juliet gave a sympathetic smile. ‘AMS can hit anyone. It isn’t anything to do with fitness and it’s entirely unpredictable.’
‘Experienced mountaineers can suddenly be struck by AMS,’ Finn confirmed, obviously prepared to be conciliatory despite the other man’s behaviour earlier in the trek. ‘You can come back another year. Everest isn’t going anywhere.’
Juliet looked at Finn, scanning his strong, masculine features, and wondered whether Finn had ever known weakness in his life.
It was still only a little after six o’clock in the morning but both girls were already up and dressed, ready for action and more than a little disappointed that the two men were going to be turning back.
‘We’re virtually there,’ Sally pointed out, visibly disappointed. ‘Another day’s trek up the valley—’
‘Which takes you even higher and could be one day too many,’ Finn said with a shake of his head. ‘They need to go down. How are you feeling?’
The two girls conferred and decided that they really wanted to carry on up to Base Camp.
‘In that case, we should
get moving,’ Juliet said decisively, glancing around her with an expression of distaste. ‘This place is a well of disease and we don’t want to linger here for longer than is necessary or we’ll all be picking up something horrible. Neil? Will you be OK?’
Neil frowned. ‘Yes, but I don’t like the thought of you going up there alone.’
‘I’m not alone,’ Juliet pointed out in a dry tone. ‘I’m surrounded by Sherpas, yaks and enough supplies to keep me going for several months.’
Finn lifted his rucksack onto his back. ‘I’ll trek with them,’ he told Neil, ‘which leaves you free to go back down to Pheriche.’
Juliet bristled. ‘I don’t need an escort.’
‘Well, you’ve got one.’ Finn’s tone was cool and steady. ‘If something happens to Sally or Diane, you’re going to need help.’
They looked at each other and something passed between them.
Juliet wanted to say no but she knew that to do so would trigger questions from Neil. And she didn’t want to answer those questions. She didn’t want anyone knowing about her relationship with Finn.
It was complicated enough dealing with her feelings without having an audience speculating and observing her every move.
‘Fine.’ She managed a casual smile. ‘We’ll trek together.’
She consoled herself with the thought that it was only a day’s walk to Base Camp, and once there she and Finn would be far too busy with their respective expedition members to spend any time with each other. They would have one conversation, just to clear the air, and that would be it.
They set off after breakfast and began the long, slow trek up to Base Camp to the musical accompaniment of yak bells and the calls of the Sherpas as they encouraged the animals over the less than inviting terrain.
They were walking at the bottom of the glacier now, over gravel and past huge icebergs and boulders that had been carried down the ice stream.
Beneath their feet the glacier rumbled as subterranean streams, formed from melted ice, found a way down the mountain.
They trudged slowly upwards, following the piles of stones that had been left by the Sherpas to mark the route.