by J. Naomi Ay
"Are you enjoying yourself, Berkan?" my father inquired as the waiter set a giant roasted bird before us.
"Truly," I declared, watching him carve enormous chunks of meat and garnishing it with globs of those strange orange colored yams.
"I roasted it myself," the Queen of Nothing but Loman's Heart demurred. "I was always very good at turkeys. Why poor Manny used to say I made them very moist."
"Certainly," I nodded and stabbed the bird meat with my fork. It flaked off into a pile of bits and pieces.
"You need some gravy, Berkan." My father held up a boat of yellow goo. "Delicious, Charlotte, my love," he cooed and beamed. "Indeed, you make the moistest bird around. It is so delicious, it would satisfy a king.”
"I beg to differ,” I interjected. “Senya prefers them even more so.”
"In what way, Lord Berkan?" Stella probed. "Do tell us how he likes it cooked. After all, he shall be joining us for Mom and Dad's wedding dinner."
"Mom and Dad?" I coughed again and choked on my saliva. However, inoculated with four double vodkas, I valiantly tread on. "Senya likes his birds so they are practically raw. In fact, they should bleed red all over his plate. Don't worry about the feathers. No need to pluck anything for him. He likes to suck the blood from the arteries in the quills."
"Oh my god," Stella cried and dropped her fork upon her dish. She brought her hand to her mouth and swallowed hard.
"Who are we talking about?" Charlotte asked.
"Nobody," Loman growled. "Berkan, are you finished with that boat of gravy?"
"Of course, Father." I handed it back to him as he glared across the table, and then smiling at Charlotte, he poured some on her plate.
"Oh, thank you, darling. You must have read my mind. This bird is a tiny bit dry, and the yams are a bit undercooked, although I boiled them for an hour."
"Perhaps, we shouldn't have turkey for your wedding dinner," Allen suggested. "How about fish instead? Do you think…uh…Ron will like that?"
"Ah, fish," I agreed, "would be an excellent choice. His Imperial Majesty adores fresh fish. Why I've seen him rip apart an entire salmon with just his teeth. He loves the heads, so you must save them all for him. He says the eyes taste like candy, although I wouldn't know."
"What?" Stella gasped and brought her napkin to her mouth. Her tight face turned pale, as her neck grew slightly sweaty.
"Berkan!" my father roared and knocked his hand down on his plate, which rattled the table and all the crystal stemware.
"Loman," Charlotte snapped. "Control your temper before you have a stroke. Fresh fish would be lovely. I've always enjoyed that too, although I prefer mine cooked. I don't like sushi much at all. Shall we offer a beef option for those who would rather have red meat?"
Everyone looked at me and waited for my next explanation. I shrugged and finished my dinner, such as it was.
"Beef is nice." Smiling, I sipped my water as my vodka glass had not been refilled. "Senya is always happy to have a burger and beer."
"Then, it's settled," Charlotte declared and waved to the waiter to take our plates away. "Now on to dessert, although I didn't prepare this myself."
A chocolate torte was laid before us, my favorite since my early years, so promptly, I took my fork and dug in. A glass of brandy was served, as well as dessert wine and cigars, whereupon I settled back to let my stomach digest.
"So Loman," Allen said, leaning back in his chair. "I'd like to understand how this whole thing works. If Berkan is merely an earl while you and I are both Imperial dukes, shouldn't he be addressing the both of us as 'sir'?"
"Here we go again," I muttered under my breath, and swallowed an entire glass of brandy in one gulp. Glancing at my father, who rolled his eyes, I noted his concurrence.
"Allen," I began to say, whilst rising to my feet. "Let me explain just exactly how it is. You are the Duke of the tiny little Duchy of Renfort. There are half a dozen people who live there. I am the Earl of Korelesk, a city of more than four and one half million. Though technically a duke supersedes an earl, I am also Lord Chief of Staff of the Imperial Realm. That means governors of forty-nine planets, sixty-seven moons and nine stars all report to me. If that isn't enough to shut you up, I'll have you know His Imperial Majesty is my best friend. Though he may be married to your sister, we are cousins by blood, and I can tell you, he no longer answers to 'Ron'."
With that, I bid them goodnight, after shaking my father's hand and kissing Charlotte upon the cheek. Then, I retired to my suite in the building next door, whereupon I drank myself silly once again.
The next day I returned to Korelesk, the beautiful city that had given me her name. I didn't need to be a duke, as I was already a prince, if not by blood then by my associations.
This vacation must have done the trick, for I realized I was missing my office and my chores. I even missed Senya's pages and his endless demands. In short, I was ready to go back to work.
When this revelation took me, I sought to ring my Noble Cousin and tell him so, but his cell did not answer, nor respond to text. So, I rang Karupatani, assuming he was there, but his cousin told me that he wasn't and had never been.
Chapter 14
Katie
"What's that noise?" RJ cried.
"It sounds like someone singing," Joanne replied. "Could it be Andy?"
"Andy?" Zork yelled from below. "Mandy, is that you? Come on guys!"
"Where is Andy?" RJ asked when Zork's call was met with no response.
"Where are we?" Michael replied, wagging his eyebrows as I tried to listen for the life support systems.
"They're on," I noted with relief. At least, I thought and hoped they were. With the engines out and no oxygen generation, if the secondary systems weren't on we'd quickly be dead.
"I can hear them," Michael agreed, though I never asked if he could. "We've got plenty of air. We'll be fine. Zork will get the engines fixed and soon we'll be on our way."
"Are you always so positive?" I fumbled in the dark and bumped into him once again.
"Not at all," he laughed, catching my arm. "In fact, most people don't want me around."
"Imagine that."
"What's that other noise?" RJ squeaked, her voice filled with fear as the ship erupted in a strange sound. It was steady and thumping like a bunch of feet marching as they came forward from the freight bay below.
"Carolina," a man's voice sang. "Where are you, my juicy plum? There is nothing sweeter or finah than you, my Carolina, especially when I'm with you in the morning."
Right in the place where the dogs had disappeared, the singing Lothario materialized in front of us. He was wearing a football jersey with a giant M and bulldog on his chest. He was dressed in his shoulder pads and vest, pants with the rest of the pads, and his head was hidden by his maroon and white helmet.
"Mississippi State," Joanne gasped. "That's where my mom went to school."
Behind Lothario, now appeared the rest of the football team, tossing balls and running around the ship. Joanne and RJ ducked out of the way while Taner scrambled to Caroline's room. Michael got hit by a ball on the side of his head. Of course, it knocked his glasses off again, which made him drop down to the floor and crawl on his hands and knees trying to find them.
"Why don't you just wear contact lenses?" I practically screamed. "I'll come back and help you in a minute."
Dodging the defensive tackles, I found a hole and bolted through to Caroline's room. Lothario had found the goal post too. He was serenading Caroline while she lay in bed gazing up at him with tears in her eyes.
"Jeremy," she gasped. "Is it really you?"
"Of course it is, my sweet Carolina, my buttercup, my morning glory."
"Who is this guy?" Joanne whispered, leaning against the door. "Is there a chance that he could be my father?"
"I'd hope not. He's even more of a jerk than Zork. It sounds like she knew him when they were in school. She never mentioned any Jeremy to me."
"Well, that's a r
elief," Joanne smirked as Jeremy took off his helmet to reveal a round bald head and a smashed in pug-nosed face.
"Jeremy, were you fighting again?" Caroline reached her hand up and gently stroked the smashed in nose.
"Well, you remember how it is, sweet butterfly. When those running backs start heading toward me, I just got to do everything I can to knock them flat."
"I remember," Caroline agreed. "And no matter how many penalties you made, how many times you were kicked out of the game, I was always there to shake my pom poms and cheer you on."
"You were, darling." Jeremy kissed Caroline's hand. Taner glanced briefly at me and rolled his eyes. "You were my number one cheerleader, and I gotta tell you baby, your endless legs looked best in that little skirt. If I weren't so intent on killing the other team, I'd surely have been distracted by you."
"Mhm," Caroline nodded, and then her voice suddenly grew cold. "I seem to remember you liked how Mary Lou's legs looked in her little skirt, as well. Actually, you liked them a whole lot better out of her skirt!"
"Well," Jeremy frowned and his round hairless face got a little red, “Your legs were always the best around, sugar plum. Mary Lou's were just more available and easier to unlock." He snickered and glanced at Taner, nodding as if Taner might agree. Taner cleared his throat.
"Thanks for visiting, Jeremy," he said. "I believe your team is heading to the locker room. Perhaps you should go and hear what your coach has to say."
"Is it?" Jeremy looked up. He glanced at the door. "You're right. I had better head out and get my half-time gallon of hydration."
"Goodbye, Jeremy. I'm glad we had this opportunity to chat. I always felt that we left our relationship uncompleted."
"Whatever you say, babe." Jeremy jogged past Joanne and me. "Did you ever return that promise ring I gave you?"
"I flushed it down the toilet," Caroline smiled, "I didn’t think you'd want to reuse it again."
"I guess that's alright since I bought it at the Five and Dime anyway. See ya, honey. Take care of yourself. Don't let the other team score points on you."
"I won't, Jeremy," Caroline called as the bulldog team disappeared from the ship. "Goodbye and good riddance. I'm glad that's done."
"Me too," Taner muttered until a buzzer rang throughout the ship.
"What the heck is that?" Joanne screeched, covering her ears.
Just then a professor waltzed in wearing a long lab coat and carrying a black book.
"Caroline Adamson?" she snapped. "Did you complete your final exam?"
"Professor Milgrave!" Caroline gasped. "I told you my father died last week. I couldn't make the test because I had to go home for the burial service."
"Miss Adamson, you're going to fail the class and unfortunately, you won't graduate on time."
"I'm sorry," Caroline wept. "My mama and sisters need me now."
"I'm sorry too," the professor replied and then turning on heel, she disappeared into the darkness of the ship. Taner sat on Caroline's bed and held her while she cried. "I'm never going to graduate now. How will I get a job?"
"What's going on?" Michael whispered in my ear. His glasses were back on his face, but his bowtie had come untied.
"The worm tunnel," I replied. "It's doing all kinds of crazy things. Caroline's memories are materializing as mutual hallucinations."
"How does that happen?" RJ asked, her eyes growing wide.
"I don't know. Odd things occur out here in space."
Caroline continued to sob, although Taner tried his best to remind her she didn't need a job, and at some point she had graduated after all.
"But I didn't," she wailed. "I lied on my Spaceforce application. I forged my diploma. I'm sorry, but I'm a fake."
"Miss Adamson," the Professor returned, shoving Michael, RJ and me aside. "I've thought of a solution to your scholarship dilemma. I can administer the final exam and correct it while you wait. It's never too late to get your degree."
"Really?" Caroline gasped, and her spirits picked up immediately. "Administer away, Professor Milgrave. I ought to do just fine. I was a nurse for thirty years and know more than any book could teach."
"Here's your blue book and a pencil. The questions are on this sheet. The last one is an essay of at least five hundred words. I'll be back in an hour to correct your examination. Good luck, Miss Adamson. The rest of you, please clear out and go to your own classes."
"This is really weird," RJ hissed. "I'm not sure I like being out here in space."
"Can you handle all the questions, Caroline?" Joanne asked. "Do you need a little help?"
"Thank you, sweetie. I think I know all about diagnosis and treatment, but I can't remember chemistry or these questions on mathematics."
"Jo is great in chemistry! She helps me with all my labs." RJ pushed her cousin towards the bed. "She knows all her calculus too. I bet she can solve all the problems on your test. Hey, maybe if she does, she can get her degree, and then she won't have to pay for school anymore."
"Right RJ," Joanne scoffed, and then turning to Caroline she said, "Let's see what you've got, Mom." She reached for the paper as Taner met my eyes and smiled.
"Come on," I urged, and the rest of us left so Caroline and Joanne could work. We met Zork in the hallway as the lights came back up and the engines began to hum normally.
"It was strange, Goldie.” He sighed and ran his sweaty palms through his yellow hair. "I'm sorry I didn't stop to get Andy serviced."
"Did Andy cause all this?" RJ asked. "I thought the problem was being in space."
"It is, but Andy opened the portal. Now all these weird things can come and go. We can't shut the door until we emerge on the other side of the black hole. If you don't mind me for a few minutes, I'm going to go take a shower and de-stress."
"It's alright, Zork" I said. "I'll go sit on the bridge. It's my turn to drive anyway."
"Hey, Doc. Why don't you go sit on the bridge instead and babysit Andy? He can drive the plane on autopilot. Goldie's looking kind of messy. I think she needs a shower, and I'm just the guy to be soaping her back and washing her hair."
"I can't drive a freightplane," Dr. Michael stuttered though his eyes grew hard as he looked at Zork. He pushed his glasses up his nose and continued speaking. "Don't you think it would be better if we had a real pilot on the bridge, especially one who was the captain of a starship? Your droid might start acting up again. It might take us off to somewhere else. I'm mean, we're already pretty far off course, and we've got a dimensional portal leaking all kinds of stuff."
"I'm going to drive." I settled this argument right now. Later, I would have a shower but, not with Zork.
"Do you think more things are going to come through from outer space?" RJ's eyes grew wide. She looked at Michael for an answer.
"They're not from outer space," Michael said. "They're all from your Aunt Caroline's imagination. They're the unresolved things that are floating around in the back of her mind, all the stuff that's been bothering her for years. "
"I hope she doesn't have any really bad memories hanging out there," Zork called as he disappeared down the hall. "I'd hate to go take my shower and return to find some Ninja guy has killed all of you."
RJ squeaked again.
"Don't worry.” Michael shrugged and put his arm around the girl. "Probably, there's nothing bad like that. On the other hand, your Auntie was in space for a number of years. But hey, Katie, was in space and look, she's just fine. You don’t have any horrible memories, do you?"
"Nah, just stuff about evil Ninja's with lightswords and man-eating dinosaurs that killed my crew. Of course, there's the time I went to Hell and watched my body burn up, but that had nothing to do with being in space. Actually, other than the dinosaurs, nothing ever did. All my bad memories are directly traceable to my husband."
"Well let's hope the portal doesn’t open in your brain and let all those creepy things come out." Michael made that annoying high pitched laugh that I was beginning to hate.
"That's a pretty sad statement," Andy replied appearing in the form of the naked girl.
"For my benefit, can you please put on clothes, or turn into someone else?"
"How's this?" he asked now metamorphosing into the image of my son. "Hey Mom, where've you been? I've been trying to call you for the last four days. I sent you twelve texts asking if you were alive."
"Is that you, Andy? Or is that actually you, Shika?"
"It's me," they both said and appeared on the screen simultaneously. Andy laughed and turned back into the girl which brought a broad smile to my son's lips.
"Don't ask," I moaned. "It's too long and too weird an explanation."
"Things are totally weird," he agreed. "Did you hear Gramma Char is going to marry Uncle Loman? Is the Universe out of kilter or has everything just gotten totally out of hand?"
"You'll have to ask your dad since he's more tuned in to the workings of the Universe than me."
"I would," Shika said, "but he's on vacation too. Nobody seems to know where he's gone. In fact, Berkan rang me just to ask if I knew where to find him."
"Ah hell, he's probably sleeping in a tree. His idea of a vacation is entirely different from yours and mine. Tell Berkan, not to worry, I'm sure he's fine. In fact, I would know if he wasn't. Wherever he is and whatever he's doing, he's okay. Now your grandma Char, on the other hand, I don't know what the heck is going on there, but I'll deal with it when I come back whenever that will be."
"Okay, Mom, enjoy your trip. I'll see you when we both get home."
I smiled as the screen went dark and the image of my son faded away.
"What a nice young man you have there," Michael said, scaring me half out of my wits.
I didn’t hear the cockpit door open or his steps coming in. In fact, I thought I locked the door just to keep him out.
"He is," I agreed. "Is there something you need here, Doctor?"