Learning to Let Go

by Cynthia P. O'Neill

  Jocelyn pulled me into a mom-style hug. “It’s okay dear. You’re going to be all right. I’m only here to help, nothing more and only if you feel like talking. You have total control over our talks.”

  To my surprise, her words were very sincere and her hugs felt reassuring. If the man who had to have control of everything could open up and talk with her, I guess I could, too.

  Garrett offered her something to drink as Thompson took her luggage to one of the guest rooms.

  “She’s staying here?” I asked badly, after Jocelyn had followed Thompson out of the room. It was bad enough that I had to see a therapist, but have one be around all the time was a bit intimidating. Would she analyze my every movement? What I ate? How I responded to Garrett? This was going to be uncomfortable.

  Garrett could sense my intimidation and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into the comfort of his embrace. “She’s only going to talk with us casually today and to get to know you a little better. We’re in no rush with anything, but she’s here to help you with your nightmares and see how you’re feeling. It’s just more convenient if she stays here. Treat her as you would any other houseguest, okay?”

  We gathered in the family room after Jocelyn was settled. Garrett and I were next to one another on the sofa, his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side, while Jocelyn sat across from us on the loveseat, sipping her coffee. She explained how she’d known Garrett since he was a little boy and had treated him for a few years. She smiled proudly when she said she still saw him when he needed to discuss emotions he was unsure of.

  “Maybe it would help Laurel feel more at ease if you shared some of your experiences, Garrett,” she suggested.

  I could feel him stiffen next to me and I heard him stutter for the first time ever.

  “I wo-wou-wouldn’t know where to start,” he admitted shakily, not looking at me.

  I’d never seen him nervous before. I knew he was holding back something, but now my interests were piqued even more.

  “If you care for Laurel, as you’ve stated, then you should have nothing to hide from her,” Jocelyn said soothingly. “Just start wherever you feel comfortable. Being in a relationship is all about openness and honesty with one another. We could discuss your childhood, your life early on in your success, or even last month.”

  My eyes widened as I looked at him. Last month! Why would he need to see her last month? Did my leaving really affect him that much? The only word I could articulate was “Why?”

  He took a deep breath in before turning toward me on the sofa. “When you left and refused to speak to me, it felt like my world was caving in on me again. Every time I have something positive happen in my personal life, a negative follows. This time it was you leaving.” His voice was shaky and I could feel the hurt rolling off of him.

  I couldn’t understand why this would cause him such heartache. “But we’re not dating!” I protested. “You and I both agreed that whatever we have, we’d enjoy it and just take things day by day.”

  “I’m not sure I understand what’s going on here,” Jocelyn interrupted. “You both obviously seem to care for one another. You’ve spent the past few weeks together, so why not date? Isn’t that what you both have been doing to some degree? Who’d care to elaborate on that?”

  Garrett looked at me and waved his hand towards Jocelyn, indicating I should go first. I shook my head, not wanting to be put on the spot. I wanted, no, needed to hear what he had to say.

  He hung his head in defeat and his voice was soft as he began. “I was a tall, lanky geek when I was younger and a loner as a result. I whizzed through high school and college in both glasses and braces. I managed to get my first girlfriend when the braces came off and I switched to contacts.” One of his hands found my knee, caressing it, while the other gripped the back of the sofa.

  I placed my hand on top of his, encouraging him to continue.

  “The dating never lasted long…until my third girlfriend,” he went on, squeezing my fingers. “Andrea seemed to see something in me that no one else did. I was attracted to the attention and she encouraged me to pursue my dreams.”

  So he was in love once. What did this girl do to make him so standoffish?

  He shook his head and smiled for a moment. “My dad, Harris, had taken the insurance money my parents had left me and invested it. It started at a few million and by the time I graduated college, was worth over $25 million. Andrea, along with my family, encouraged me to use the money and start my own company to build new technological designs for the medical industry, starting with a piece of equipment my dad had longed to be invented. I worked with dad for months on the design, but we eventually got what he needed and set out to create a working model. It was a big hit in the neurosurgical world and escalated the business to new heights. All of the Waters family thought it a good investment and wanted in on my business, so we created it together from the ground up. My sister, Sarah, helped design the office space and laboratory areas. Jonathan had just gotten his degree in business management and helped out with the sales and management of the business.”

  I had always wondered how he got his start. I knew I shouldn’t, but had to ask. “Did you love this woman who stood by you?”

  He turned slightly towards me, looking me straight in the eyes as he shook his head. “Andrea was exciting and encouraging and I thought I loved her at one time, but I was wrong. Something always felt off between the two of us and I couldn’t put my finger on it until she became greedy. We’d been together for a couple of years and were never what you would call close, but she was comfortable to be around and gave me the encouragement I needed to succeed. Toward the end of our relationship, she only wanted what my portfolio and name could offer her. As long as I bought her things and introduced her to people in high society, she loved me. She couldn’t get enough of the media attention my name was bringing to the society columns. The paparazzi followed our every move and she ate it up.”

  His face had remained expressionless throughout the course of his reveal, but his eyes seemed to be hurting as he relived what she had done to him.

  “So what happened to break you two up?” I managed to ask. I cared for Garrett, but if we were going to have any chance of having a potential relationship, we needed to know what set the other off.

  He pursed his lips, his body stiffening. It was obvious he didn’t want to recall this part of his life. With a deep breath in, he continued, “I’d been out of town on business, trying to recruit new talent since the company was quickly expanding and we needed to keep up with the demands of our clients. I’d managed to get back a couple of days early and saw that her car was in my driveway, so I walked in the house and heard noises coming from my bedroom. I found her in the throes of passion with one of my managers. I was furious and ordered them both out of the house, firing his ass and telling her to collect what she needed, that I would forward everything else to her. It turned out that both of them were not only having an affair, but also skimming money off of the profits and pocketing it for themselves.”

  He paused briefly, stretching the tension out of his neck, and I ached to touch him.

  “I’d had it at that point,” he continued. “I was tired of relationships, of getting hurt by anyone I let close to me, and fed up with the paparazzi always in my face. I decided to go into hiding and slipped in and out of work via disguise. During that time, I was determined to remake my image. Everyone knew the dorky geek, so I hired a trainer, got Lasik surgery, grew my hair out, got highlights, and kept a permanent five o’clock shadow. Six months later, I emerged as Garrett Andrews instead of G.A. Waters. My family was supportive of my change and need for privacy. I hired myself as the head of HR and the one to handle the media publicity for the company. I was in the spotlight on my terms and not theirs. They only want to hear about Mr. Waters, not me, so the plan worked wonderfully.”

  Jocelyn had remained quiet throughout Garrett’s reveal. I was left shaking my head and w
iping a few tears from my eyes. No wonder the man didn’t trust the public or women—he’d been used.

  I dried my eyes before gripping his hands in mine. “My heart aches for all you’ve been through, Garrett,” I said sincerely. “I definitely understand why it’s hard for you to date and trust someone.”

  Garrett began to open his mouth to say something more, but Jocelyn interrupted. “Before you say anything further, why don’t we hear why Laurel doesn’t want to date?”

  Great. Nothing like being put on the spot. “Garrett already knows that I didn’t date much in high school or college. My focus was on school work and my swimming. I felt out of sorts around guys and never knew what to talk to them about. When I finally went on my first date, it was in college. The guy took me to dinner and a movie, along with a stroll by the waterfront in Boston, but he wanted more than I was willing to give him. He left me in the city to walk all the way back to the college campus. Thankfully, I was able to get Hannah, my roommate, to come pick me up.”

  I already felt my body shaking a bit. Garrett’s arm came around my shoulders and pulled me into his side to comfort me. It helped, but not as much as I’d hoped.

  “Chase asked me out a few weeks later,” I went on, “but I turned him down because something about him bothered me. I did accept a date with one of his friends, but we went out as friends, Dutch treat—I didn’t want a repeat of the previous date. Chase kept insisting I go out with him and to give him a chance. I didn’t. A month later, he raped me in the locker room after practice while I was passed out from low blood sugar. I don’t know how long he did that for, because I didn’t realize what was going on until I managed to wake up once during the course of it.” I looked down, mortified at my admission. “I didn’t want to have anything to do with guys for the longest time, because I couldn’t trust them. I didn’t feel safe.”

  My heart began to race just recalling all the feelings I had during that time. I wanted to get up and leave the room, but Garrett held me firmly.

  “Please go on,” Jocelyn urged. “You can do this, Laurel. Get it out of your system. Let it go.”

  I looked back and forth between both of them, realizing she was right; I needed to let it go. “About six months later, my roommate, Hannah, along with Grace, talked me into giving this one guy they knew a chance, so I finally gave in and tried to date again. He was nice and we went out a couple of times, but when things took a more intimate turn, it didn’t work out. I recoiled at the slightest touch—I couldn’t help it; it just happened.” I held my hands up in defeat. “He was pissed and never spoke to me again. I swore to myself that if I went out with a guy, it would be as a friend and nothing more—no dating, no possibility of intimacy. I just couldn’t do that. Then Garrett came along and I felt different. I let down my guard, but I’m afraid to think beyond today, afraid of what the future holds, a fear of getting hurt again.” The waterworks broke free and the tears spilled down my face.

  Garrett wrapped both arms around me, pulling me into the comfort of his lap and just rubbed my back gently. “It’s okay, sweetheart,” he whispered. “I would never do anything to purposefully hurt you. You have my word.”

  In between broken words and crying, I managed to squeak out, “You have my word that I’ll never use you. I like carving my own path and pulling my own weight.”

  Jocelyn came over and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. “Today has been a good one in opening the lines of communication between you two. You both have some issues to work through, which will take some time, but talking is the first step.” She kneeled down and looked into my eyes. “I’m not going to press for anything further today, Laurel, but I do need to know about your sleep habits lately. Garrett informs me that you’re suffering from Sleep Terror Disorder.”

  I could feel my brows furrow. “What is that?”

  “Sleep Terror Disorder is a condition in which you awake, screaming, from various images during the course of your sleep. Sometimes people remember bits and pieces about what they’re dreaming about, but other times they don’t remember anything at all. You wake up screaming and shaking, unable to be consoled. It affects your ability to eat and function in everyday life.”

  I could feel myself shutting down with her explanation. I didn’t want to admit that I suffered from this, but she described how I felt perfectly. I didn’t eat lately because I was too tired from a lack of sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I’d see images of everything Chase had done to me, both past and present.

  I looked to Garrett, wondering how he would know all this. “How did you know?”

  He continued to hold me tight. “I suffered from them as a child and for a bit last month,” he admitted rather sheepishly.

  All I could do was shake my head from side to side, my brain in denial and my heart breaking for Garrett to have suffered and be suffering from the same thing.

  “You don’t have to talk about what your dreams are,” Jocelyn assured me. “I brought along a prescription of low-dose anti-depressants. They use larger doses to treat depression, but smaller doses do help with nighttime sleeping. It won’t knock you out entirely, but it will calm you enough to allow you to sleep more peacefully. Why don’t you try one tonight and see how things go? We can adjust the medication as necessary and wean you off it as soon as your sleep patterns are re-established and your stress levels lower.”

  I wanted to argue about this, but knew I would be met with resistance from both sides. My body felt exhausted and my mind overly active. I would never be able to sleep in this emotional state. I took a deep breath in, feeling my shoulders slump forward, admitting defeat.

  “You’re right. I do need sleep, but I’m scared of closing my eyes. Every time I do, I see Chase and all that he’s done to me.” I brushed away fresh tears. “I relive everything over and over—it’s terrible. I just want him to leave me alone so I can move on with my life!”

  Jocelyn patted my hand and stood. “I know, Laurel. And I’m here to help. You two have a good night. If you need me, just knock on my door, otherwise I’ll see you both tomorrow and we can discuss whatever you’d like.”

  I’d thought I would hate the idea of talking about my personal life with a shrink, but with Jocelyn, it felt like I was talking with an old friend. She didn’t push or question, instead guiding and allowing me to see things for myself.

  Garrett didn’t ask how I was feeling after our talk, just ushered me into the kitchen for dinner. Deidre had put together an amazing dinner of lobster macaroni and cheese. I would have never thought to pair the two items together, but it tasted amazing. I still wasn’t able to hold down much, but stepping out of the soup zone gave me some hope towards the future, making me feel a little more optimistic that I could get my life back.

  When I began to yawn, Garrett suggested we head to the bedroom. He got me undressed, along with himself, and drew us a hot bubble bath with candles circling his sunken tub. There wasn’t anything sexual about our bath other than holding one another close and washing each other’s skin. It brought back memories of my first night with him and how gentle he had been and still is.

  Afterwards, Garrett dried us both off and laid a towel down on the bed after I took my new nighttime pill. Jocelyn said it would take about thirty minutes to take effect, so I was looking forward to a little snuggle with Garrett before drifting off.

  “Lie down on your stomach,” he whispered.

  I did as he asked and felt the bed dip as he climbed up to straddle me. A moment later, his hands were slick with vanilla scented oil and massaging the stress out of my neck, shoulders and back.

  “Mmm. That feels so good.” I could barely talk as he managed to hit a point that released some pent up anxiety.

  He shifted and his manhood sprang to life, poking me in my backside.

  “Oh!” I called out, but he didn’t respond.

  His hands moved down to my ass as he continued to massage the deep tissues of my cheeks. Who knew that my buttocks could relax with h
is magic fingers splaying over my flesh? It felt like heaven.

  He leaned into my ear, whispering, “While I would love to take every part of you, I’m not going to push until you’re ready.” His lips trailed slow, lascivious kisses down my neck, across my back and to my ass, where his teeth bit me playfully, making me squirm.

  With his hands re-oiled, he continued across my backside, parting my cheeks, and ran a finger down my crack and over my rosette. I was shocked by the feel of his oiled finger. He pressed on my hole, lightly once, and then started to move it away.

  To my surprise, I groaned when he backed away, twisting on the bed and pushing into his finger, causing the tip to poke me lightly. Who knew that the forbidden zone could have such an alluring presence?

  “You don’t have to do this Laurel, not until you’re ready.”

  I glanced over my shoulder. “I know and I’m not ready for that,” I said, glancing down towards his manhood, fully erect and ready, “but your finger feels nice.” I knew I had a lot to overcome emotionally, but every time I was with Garrett, I felt whole again, that I could let go and be adventurous. To prove my point, I pushed back onto his finger a little more. It poked a little further inside and felt weird, forbidden and good at the same time. How did he manage to bring out the hidden minx in me?

  “Your virgin ass is so tight against my finger,” he moaned into my ear. “You’ll need training if you want me to take you here.” He eased his finger in past the second knuckle and I could feel my body clamp down around him. “You’re going to feel like a vice against my cock.”

  “Don’t be afraid to let loose on me, Garrett,” I whispered, trying to get used to the sensation of his finger. “I know that it’s you and I need to push my limits to get through what’s happened. Being with you makes me feel liberated,” I admitted. “It helps me forget about things for a while.”

  He spread my legs as he leaned over me and inserted two fingers into my core. “God, you’re so fucking wet. You’re always ready for me.”