Flat on my back, my gaze was directly on the darkening sky. I felt Eli more than I saw him. I felt the tug in the blanket as he crawled toward me, and then I felt his hands on my thighs.
“I’m gonna take these off now, okay?” Fingers wrapped around my cotton bikinis, Eli asked the question that would change everything. My gaze was still firmly set on the sky, but I nodded.
“Not a chance, Bug. You’re gonna look me in the eye and you’re gonna tell me to take these off.” Eli tugged at the fabric, but didn’t pull them down. My chest rose and fell in an unsteady rhythm. Any nerves I’d had before couldn’t compare to these.
Deliberately, I raised my head to meet Eli. He had his grip tight around the fabric at my hips, but his eyes were on mine. “Take them off.”
Eli grinned. “I’m gonna be lookin’ at this sweet sight, but I’ll know if you stop watchin’.” I nodded, saliva filling up my mouth. Eli’s gaze redirected to the apex between my thighs. With deliberate care, Eli peeled the cotton off my thighs.
Twilight had long passed and the moon was high above. Even though we were out in the field, it felt as intimate as a bedroom.
“I’m gonna do it now, you ready?” I felt him even before he asked the question. We were naked on the blanket, with another one on top of us. His warm, muscular body pressed into me and I could feel every ridge of him. Hard and virile, but also soft and yielding. I wasn’t scared though, not with Eli. Never with Eli.
Looking into his big hazel eyes, I saw nothing but love and concern. Nestled in his thick brown arms, I felt the safest I’d ever felt in my life. Contrary to what Daddy always said, I didn’t feel like Eli was about to take something. He wasn’t taking my virginity, he was giving me love. We were about to share something special and secret together. Something that was only ours.
I nodded, smiling big at him.
“I want to hear you say it, Bug.” Eli stared down at me, his hazel eyes serious. “I want there to be no doubts between us.”
“I want to make love to you, Eli Jackson,” I whispered, still feeling a little naughty.
Eli grinned. Full-on, bright white, making me tingle more than I thought possible. He captured my lips in his full ones and I melted into him.
Breath left my body in a rush when he entered me. The feeling was so intense and sudden that I had to separate my lips from him. Mouth agape, I stared at the dark sky, not really seeing anything, just feeling. The stars blurred, Eli blurred, everything moved into one dazzling ball.
“Is it okay?” Eli’s concerned voice broke into my stupor. I focused my eyes back to his, concentrating on the hazel orbs that were half-hidden under cocoa lids.
I was expecting pain. Daddy had told me that sex was the most painful thing a woman could experience. He said that women didn’t like sex and they weren’t designed to, that sex was an awful thing and only for reproduction. Still, I wanted to make love to Eli, because I felt like it was the greatest way to show my love to him. I was willing to endure the pain for Eli.
When Eli asked me if it was okay, I needed a minute. It was more than okay. It was amazing. It was a little painful at first, but when he pushed into me and we became one, it was like everything connected. I knew harmony. I knew peace. And I knew pleasure.
I nodded, in lieu of a response, still trying to grapple with words.
“Bug, what’s wrong? Is it too much?” Eli tried to slide out of me but I grasped his shoulders for dear life.
“You’re amazing.” I finally breathed.
“Yeah?” Eli smiled, leaning down to kiss my throat. “You’re amazing too. You feel amazing. This is amazing.”
It really was.
Afterward I was sore—so sore I wished I could sit on an ice block and never get up. I thought maybe we should have gone a little easier; it was our first time after all. Yet if I could have gone back in time, I wouldn’t have done it any differently. Not a thing.
“What’s wrong?” Eli grasped my arm and pulled me toward him; he must have seen me wince as we climbed into the car.
“Not a thing!” I replied. It wasn’t a lie. Nothing was wrong. Sure my body was sore, but my heart was completely happy. I was so totally content I could die.
Eli frowned, squinting at me with his “I know you’re keeping something from me” eyes. I wiggled in my seat, uncomfortable from the scrutiny.
“Fine,” I sighed. “I’m a little sore.”
“I don’t want you going home tonight, Bug.” Eli frowned, gripping the steering wheel so tight I saw the blood disappear from his hands.
“I don’t either, but I have to. I can’t exactly sleep on the streets.” Though the streets might have been safer than my house, especially after what happened that night.
“Come home with me.” Eli turned to me, eyes pleading. “My mama’s out workin’ tonight. You can sleep in her room if you don’t want to sleep in my bed.”
“What about morning? Daddy’ll know I didn’t come home all night and it will be so much worse.”
A wicked grin spread across Eli’s face. “I reckon your daddy’ll be too drunk to remember you didn’t come home tonight so long as we sneak you in around four. If you go home now you’ll wake him up.”
I blinked in awe. Eli really was a genius.
We drove home the rest of the way in relative silence. Eli caressed my inner palm and I stared out the window, watching the stars move at a slow pace. I reckoned I’d never feel that good again in my life, so might as well savor it.
When we reached town, Eli slowed his car and dimmed the lights. It wasn’t unusual for the sheriff to pull Eli over at night. Even though it wasn’t a crime to be out late, they’d usually pull Eli over anyway, so he did what he could to stay inconspicuous.
We reached Eli’s house without trouble and Eli led me inside. It was dark since no one was home. It wasn’t the first time I’d been to his house, but it was the first time I’d come without adult supervision.
“I guess you’ll want to be sleepin’ in Mama’s room,” Eli said, shifting on the balls of his feet. It seemed so silly that we’d sleep in separate rooms after the night we’d had. Silly, but then again it was also so easy to make that assumption. Eli and I had never slept together. Even after making love, sleeping together appeared to be an even bigger step. How far did we want to go?
I nodded, unsure if Eli was ready to take another big step. I wasn’t sure myself. Eli grasped my hand and led me down to his mama’s room. As we walked down the dimly lit hallway, the prospect of sleeping alone really began to hit me.
I would be alone. Without Eli. After everything. It suddenly seemed like the worst thing in the world to be alone. I needed him holding me. I needed him near.
“I don’t want to sleep in your mama’s bed,” I whispered as we neared her door.
“Thank god.” Eli grabbed my arm and spun me into his chest. He kissed me hard on the mouth and then pulled back. “Get your butt in my bed!” I laughed as Eli lightly slapped me on the bum, ushering me back to his room.
I snuggled into Eli’s bed, the smell of him all over his blankets acting like anesthesia. Eli sidled up beside me, pulling me into his chest. I had a thought then, snuggled against the love of my life, surrounded by him in every way: I was wholly happy and everything was perfect.
A line formed behind Eli, but I couldn’t stop staring at him. It was like seeing the dead come to life. Neither of us had spoken a word for a good minute. He was different, but still my Eli. His hair was cut closer to his head, less than a millimeter of black hair shaved close to his skull. He’d grown a beard, too. A thin mustache outlined his beautiful, full lips and a slightly thicker beard outlined his chin, accentuating his jawline.
He looked so grown up.
Gripping the counter for support, I finally asked, “How did you find me?”
“Mrs. Nelson died,” he said in lieu of an answer, voice cold. His jaw was hard, as if he were grinding his teeth. Though his eyes were fixated on me, it was like he was looking beyo
nd me. His hazel eyes were unfocused and not catching my gaze. I wondered why he’d even bothered coming when he was so clearly upset with me.
“You came all the way to California to tell me that? Why…” I shook my head, not wanting to open that can of worms. Eli was there, like a vision from one of my dreams. Anything he said would shatter that vision into reality. If I kept my mouth shut, I could keep us in fantasy for a little while longer.
“Is everything all right?” Marci came out from the back. Maybe she’d heard my gasp, maybe she’d seen the line forming behind Eli, I didn’t know. All I could think about was Eli, standing in front of me, in the flesh. He wasn’t a memory, he wasn’t a dream, he was real.
“I…” I stuttered, still staring at Eli.
“There’s been a death in the family.” Eli didn’t even look at Marci when he responded for me. His hazel eyes were trained on mine, unflinching in their severity. I felt like he was trying to steal my composure.
“Oh no.” Marci’s voice took on a sympathetic affection. She came up behind me and undid my apron. “Go home dear. I’ll let you off for the week. Let me know if you’re ready to come back next week.”
I nodded, only partially processing what Marci was saying to me as I stepped out from behind the front counter. I could feel Marci and all the customers’ eyes on me as Eli led me outside the store. Their faces were contorted in pity and concern for me, the barista who had just lost someone close to them.
I hadn’t, though; I had just gained someone.
Mrs. Nelson had been very close to me, but I’d said my goodbyes to her when I left. She’d been in a coma; her death wasn’t a surprise to me. It was sad, but it was good news; good news because it meant Mrs. Nelson got to move on past the hospital bed that had imprisoned her for months.
It wasn’t Mrs. Nelson’s death that was causing the build up of breath in my body. It wasn’t Mrs. Nelson’s death that was causing the world around me to shrink and collapse as I walked out of the shop into the bright noonday sun. It was Eli. It had been months since Eli and I had broken up, but I still felt that breakup like a gunshot wound to the chest.
Now he was there, in the flesh, and his presence was pulling the bullet out of me slowly.
Eli still had his red truck. Sitting inside it felt like laying in an open grave.
“Do you have someplace we can go?” Eli asked when he opened the car door for me, still not looking me in the eye. I was so close to running away, but instead I hopped in and let him slam the door, locking me inside.
Eli got into the driver’s side, put the key in the ignition, and started the truck, the way he’d done so many times before when we were together, before everything got ruined. Except this time we were in California, not Georgia, and this time he wasn’t looking at me. This time there was an invisible wall separating us.
“Where am I going?” Eli asked, eyes straight ahead on the road.
“How are you here?” I asked. I wanted to ask: why are you here?
“I guess I’ll just keep driving straight until I meet the ocean,” Eli grumbled.
Was he mad at me? How could he possibly be mad at me? He was the one who’d shown up out of the blue, expecting me to drop everything.
“Fine.” I folded my arms. “Do a u-turn and then turn right.”
Eli did as he was told in silence. We didn’t say another word to each other until I had to give him directions. The entire drive was a nightmare. In the dreams I’d had of our reunion, we came together with happiness and love. It was never like this, awkward and bitter. I couldn’t help but wonder why he’d shown up. He clearly didn’t care about me any more.
“‘Kay, this is it,” I grumbled as we approached my place.
Eli pulled to an abrupt stop in front of the apartment, causing me to lurch forward in my seatbelt. Before I could think, his arm was on my chest, stopping me from flying forward.
We both paused. I looked at his arm touching my chest. It wasn’t meant to be sexual; it was a reflex. He’d thrust his arm out to stop me from smacking into the dashboard in case my seatbelt hadn’t worked. He’d done it a million times before. His car was old and sometimes the seatbelt wasn’t so great. It wasn’t meant to be sexual.
Still, we both paused. His arm against me, the warmth sinking into my body…it had been so long since I’d felt him touching me. My body immediately perked up as if welcoming home a missing limb. I glanced at Eli to see his reaction, but I couldn’t read it. His eyes were half-lidded, his mouth drawn tight, and he was watching me like I was a dangerous animal.
I wished right then that there weren’t months of confusion and ruination between us. I wished I could lean across and kiss him. I almost did, but as I leaned in, Eli withdrew his arm.
Just like that our bond was broken.
Sitting across from Eli was like sitting across from my own personal magnet. It was as if something was constantly pulling at my organs. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t good. The love I had for him was painful. I needed to be close to him; he was pulling at me so much it was going to kill me if I didn’t give in.
When we first entered my apartment, Eli and I scrambled through the door at the same time. Our shoulders caught against themselves, causing us to stick in the doorway. I paused, he paused, both of us locked together in the doorway. Our heads turned and I wetted my lips with my tongue. I watched raptly as his eyes traveled to my lips, hungry for something.
It was only seconds that we were stuck together in the doorway, but it felt like eons. I quickly broke the spell and shoved my way through the door, causing my arm to bruise against the wood.
After that near miss—or near kiss—I made sure we sat on opposite sides of the space. He was on the couch and I was across from him, a coffee table separating us. Like perfect strangers.
“How’s life been?” Eli asked.
“Good,” I lied. “How’s college?”
“Good.”
Neither of us were looking at each other. We sat like awkward acquaintances thrust together at a party. He was opposite me on the couch, and I was sitting in a chair. My legs were tightly pressed together, my hands held as if I was praying. Maybe I was praying.
His stance wasn’t any less uncomfortable. With a stiff back and rigid shins, he looked like a stranger. I think we both realized, either consciously or subconsciously, that the past was off limits. The past was like a live pit of vipers, and neither one of us wanted to jump into that.
“Nice place,” Eli said, gesturing to the empty apartment. Absentmindedly I wondered where Vera was. It was only a little past twelve and Vera rarely left the apartment. I followed his arm as it swept across the apartment Vera and I shared with our ever-absent roommate, Chad. It really was nice. I was constantly in awe that we’d landed ourselves in a place like this.
“Thank you,” I responded robotically.
“Do you live alone?”
“No, I live with two roommates.” Again I wondered where Vera was. She didn’t have a job—well, not one that kept her away from home. I looked up to see Eli nod, but our eyes didn’t meet.
“Eli—”
“Grace—”
We both said each other’s name at the same time. I glanced up just as he did. I didn’t know what I was planning to say to him, just that I needed to say something. The awkwardness between us was as palpable as a chokehold. It didn’t matter, though, because when we spoke it was instantaneous.
My grey eyes met his brown ones and it was like flint and tinder. A fire started that burned down the neighborhood. Eli stood up off the couch and kicked over our flimsy, white-painted plywood coffee table. I was already there to meet him, our bodies ready to collide.
Whenever Eli and I had made love before, it had been gentle and sweet, because that’s what we did when we joined: made love. What we were doing now, though, it wasn’t making love. It wasn’t gentle. It was rough and furious and fast.
It was the alchemy of our current relationship, filled with pain and torture and lo
nging and need.
Eli pulled my lower lip back with his teeth and he groaned, “Why did you leave?”
I kissed him hard, trying to push away the question. “Not now.”
His hand slid up my shirt and the friction of his smooth hands against my stomach felt like tiny shocks. Eli furiously threaded his hand in my hair and the other around my waist. I reached up to pull him in by the neck. My body sung in harmony as it finally joined its match.
He lowered me to the floor, where only moments ago a coffee table had been. He grabbed my breasts with equal parts savagery and gentleness. In a swift motion, his hands left my breasts, leaving them feeling cool despite the t-shirt covering them.
Eli raked his hands over my body and down to my jeans. It was only a moment before he ripped those off. I heard him hiss so I looked down to see if anything was wrong, but my head flung back just as quickly when I felt his thumb graze the skin underneath the seam of my cotton bikini.
“Oh…” I moaned, the released breath like a cry for mercy. My head was pressed rigid against the hardwood floor as Eli slowly stroked his finger under the cotton, just barely touching the skin. As quickly as the torture began, it was over. Eli pulled my underwear over my hips but his head stayed between my thighs.
“What are you doing?” I asked nervously, lifting my head to look at him. Eli was looking at me, and I mean really looking at me. He didn’t even lift his eyes to respond to me, just kept his gaze fixated between my thighs. I tried to press my thighs together, but he pushed my legs apart, elbows keeping me propped open.
“Trust me, Bug.” Eli’s voice was low, almost guttural. I’d never heard him sound like that before. It reminded me of a caveman.
“Wait, what—” The question died in my throat when he placed a kiss between my thighs. A kiss there. My eyes flew open, head arching back to greet the ceiling. Never before had I experienced anything like that. His mouth landed gently but firmly on my most secret of places.
Let Me Go (Owned Book 2) Page 11