Hindsight

by Jody Klaire

  “Shorty, you ponderin’ your navel again?”

  The breeze tickled my arms and I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Even her voice made me feel calmer. I glanced back at Renee who was curled up on the edge of the bed under the covers. Her quiet breathing punctuated the stillness and didn’t change rhythm. Sound asleep.

  “I can’t meditate. I been tryin’ but my thoughts keep whirring.”

  Nan flitted on over to my side. “Maybe that’s ’cause there’s things you been tryin’ to ignore?” Her energy bounced like she’d given a curt nod. “When you bottle it up, it’s like shaking a soda can. One day somebody is gonna open it . . .”

  I kept my eyes on the tips of the trees. The sun glimmered through the fluttering leaves, making them look like they were dancing. “I need to get this right. I can’t let all this . . . stuff weigh on me. Frei needs me.”

  Nan swooshed over to my other side. “True, Icy ain’t exactly on vacation but you know better than to think she’s alone.”

  I stared down at the Bible in my hands. My reading for today. “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

  “Sure thing, an’ he ain’t gonna go letting you down.” Nan touched my arm. The cold made my hairs prickle. “Trust that an’ Him an’ you’ll do just fine.”

  I bit my lip. “I do. It’s more me messing up that I’m worried about.” As I stared out at the sun dancing over the splish splashing water, it felt dumb to feel that way. “I don’t want to put Renee, Dad, Mom, anybody in danger.”

  “Did you just say—?”

  I held up my hand to stop myself feeling dumber than I already did. Yeah, so I’d called Lilia mom. “Focus, please.”

  Nan prodded me and I yelped. Renee murmured in her sleep. “Quit the lip. You ain’t too big for chores.” Her voice held too much amusement to chastise me. “You got your gifts, she got hers. You ain’t no expert sure, but all you can do is your best.”

  “Yeah but—”

  Nan poked me again. “No buts, you hear. Nobody’s perfect. Your heart will lead you right.”

  I hoped so. I wasn’t sure if my heart knew left from right the way it was laboring. I placed the Bible safely in my bag.

  “Helps if you listen to what that ticker is telling you.”

  Renee murmured in her sleep again and I tucked the covers up around her. “So I should stay on the reading until it makes sense maybe?”

  Nan sat on the bed beside Renee, making the covers crease up. “Can of soda, Shorty.”

  “I think I should stay on it. It feels like I should.” I turned away, wishing she’d quit pushing.

  Nan breezed right through me. I shivered, yelped, and crunched my teeth together. “What you do that for?”

  “’Cause you’re as stubborn as your mother.” She breezed through me again.

  “Quit it, will you, you’re icing up my ribcage.”

  Nan just chuckled as I wriggled around trying not to shiver too loudly and wake everybody up. “Follow your heart. An’ don’t go eatin’ too many crab cakes. You’ll be bigger than Blackbear.”

  “Not the way Renee will be driving us. When she’s focused on somethin’, it gets done.” I smiled down at Renee. She looked peaceful, younger somehow.

  Nan laughed. “Soda.”

  “Are you just tryin’ to make me thirsty or somethin’?” I licked my dry lips. Great. I was thirsty. “I’m gonna wake everybody up now.”

  “You know that you ain’t the only one not sleeping.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” I shoved my hands in my pockets. “I just hope he ain’t still in his boxer shorts.”

  Nan’s laughter didn’t follow me out onto the landing so I turned back to the room. “No freaking her out. She needs to sleep.”

  I saw the rocker move in the corner.

  “I mean it. She got to concentrate. I can’t drive a car.” Renee would be grouchy too if she didn’t get her sleep and I really didn’t want to be stuck with her in that mood.

  “Quit stalling, Shorty.” A gust moved the door which closed in my face. “Soda.”

  “Pop,” I muttered back at the door then trudged down the stairs. “It’s pop not soda.” I tried and failed to sneak across the landing, making it groan with every step. “An’ I ain’t intending on shakin’ any can.”

  Chapter 11

  RENEE WAITED UNTIL Aeron’s footsteps receded before opening her eyes. She knew Nan was there, somewhere. She could feel Nan’s bubbly personality waiting for her. Surreal. No matter how often it happened or that Aeron had been bickering with her, it still felt . . . crazy.

  “You planning on sleeping in?”

  Renee heard Nan’s voice and sighed, sitting up. Nan was in the rocking chair. Unlike Aeron, Renee could see her. She could see the white hair bobbing as Nan rocked. She could see the twinkling eyes that belonged to both Lilia and Aeron and she could see . . . a cat.

  “I’m assuming this is the one and only Tiddles?”

  The cat opened its eyes, yawned, and went back to sleep. Nan stroked the back of his head and smiled up at Renee. “Sure is.”

  “Why do I have the feeling that you’re going to tell me off?” She pulled the covers around her with the dawn chill.

  “Guilty conscience?” Nan’s eyes twinkled. Laughter lines showed how much joy she exuded. Renee smiled just looking at her.

  “I have a long list of guilt if we’re going there.”

  Nan tutted and knitting appeared in her hands. Renee blinked, knowing that somewhere in her mind, this wasn’t sane. “Try again, Blondie.”

  At least she wasn’t called Icy like Ursula. “Okay, I didn’t tell her about Abby.”

  Nan clicked away, her eyes gentle.

  “I didn’t want to hurt her.” The knitting needles felt like they were taunting her. Renee sighed. “I just wanted to forget.”

  “An’ you are tryin’ not to let that little heart of yours notice Shorty is acting strange.”

  Renee didn’t know why she was bothering hiding. Nan seemed to see through her more than Renee could . . . well . . . see through Nan.

  Literally.

  And it still sounded insane.

  “I’m worried about her.”

  Nan nodded. “I told you back when you were drinkin’ that she got growin’ to do.”

  “Ah, so this is the attitude thing?” Renee felt a light ding on in her brain.

  “One an’ the same.” Nan smiled. “Look with your heart not your fears.”

  Renee glanced at the door. She knew from overhearing Aeron’s conversation with Nan that she was talking to her father. She checked her watch, mentally calculating how long it would take to get to Riverside. In normal circumstances, the first hours after someone went missing were vital but this was anything but normal.

  “How can I help her through this?” She whispered.

  “Lower the barriers. Truth. She needs truth.”

  Renee snapped her head around to stare at her.

  Nan nodded. “Which means you gotta grow yourself.”

  The strange conversation in the bar on her birthday finally made sense. She’d been recovering for a long time. Aeron had been steadfast through it all but she needed someone to guide her. Someone who had been through the separation that came with being a part of CIG. “Open up.”

  Nan clicked her knitting needles. “Helps if you show her when she gets all fretful. Like you did back in that hole.”

  Renee smiled. It had been wonderful helping Aeron learn how to overcome the terror of leaving Serenity Hills. “I can do that.”

  “I’m keeping my eye on Icy too. Quicker would be better.”

  Renee caught the fading glimpses of Nan’s . . . essence. “Can’t you just tell me where she is?”

  Nan clicked her tongue or her knitting needles, Renee wasn’t sure which. “Ain’t allowed. Wish I could, I like Icy.”

  Nan’s presence faded and Renee felt a shudder at her absence. “I like her too.”

  With a quick check of her watch, s
he changed and grabbed the bags. Nan’s word’s, “quicker would be better,” sounded in her mind.

  She crept out onto the landing and smack into Lilia. Why was she loitering? “Are you going to yell at me too?”

  Lilia smiled. “My mother is the best at it but she does make sense.”

  Renee heard a “’course” from somewhere distant and shook her head. “I have no idea how you cope with this every day.”

  Lilia turned and walked into another room. Renee had always assumed it was a guest room of some sort. Aeron never went in there and neither did anyone else.

  “Long story, very boring,” Lilia said as if she could read her thoughts. “Aeron gave you that necklace and it’s important that you keep it on at all times.” She sat on the edge of a bunk bed. “When you’ve left Riverside, Aeron will need to concentrate to find . . .” Lilia sighed. “Bess.”

  “You mean Aunt Bess?” Renee tried not to smile at Lilia’s shocked stare. “Nan told me about her. I thought she didn’t know where she was?”

  “Nan knows exactly where she is. She just means up here.” Lilia tapped her head. “My sister is . . . interesting.”

  “As in she feels like you?”

  Lilia shook her head. “No, she doesn’t feel a thing but you’ll soon see where Aeron gets her streak for . . . trouble.”

  Renee sighed. “She’s a criminal?”

  “No.”

  “Then how is she trouble?” That made no sense.

  Lilia fiddled with her wedding ring. “Mount Vernon, Illinois is her current home but I’m sure she may have lived in every state. She has a heart that is as restless.”

  Renee chuckled. “Oh, that kind of trouble.” She frowned. “Wait, Aeron isn’t like that. She’s loyal and loving. Aeron doesn’t leave on a whim.”

  Lilia nodded. “She has a tendency to wander off and follow her heart not her head.”

  Aeron had a big heart but she wasn’t that spontaneous. “Why would I think they are the same?”

  “Wait ’til you meet her.” Lilia got up and walked towards the door. “Keep her safe. Keep yourself safe.”

  Renee saluted and left Lilia in the small room. Two odd conversations and it was still early morning. She headed down two flights of stairs but stopped as she saw Aeron and her father still in conversation.

  She turned to give them space.

  “Your mother and I, we feel the same. Both are welcome here.” Eli looked at Aeron, his eyes gentle and open. “As in here too.” He tapped his chest.

  Renee smiled. She didn’t want to intrude. She’d give them a while longer.

  Soda. I ain’t shaking nothin’, nope. Nothin’.

  Renee “heard” Aeron’s thought and turned. Nan had been talking about soda. What was with that?

  “You getting your wires twisted up?” Aeron slid something into her pocket. “Frei, Renee . . . they order me around all day is all.”

  Renee cocked her head. There was something very defensive about the way Aeron was standing. Her cheeks were rosy and not for the first time.

  She was sweet when she was ruffled.

  “We’re alike just as you said.” Eli leaned on the kitchen table. “I know when you’re bluffing.”

  Eli folded his arms as Aeron stood there looking flustered.

  Ah man, this is like being a kid again. What if Renee sees me? She’s gonna think I’ve lost what marbles I had left.

  Renee put her hands on her hips at that. She could see flecks of pink fluttering about in Aeron’s aura.

  Pink. Pink and a light show.

  Aeron often talked about seeing her light show. She also knew what she was feeling at the time. Renee smiled to herself. Typical of the dimwit to feel embarrassed about caring for people. She was something else.

  Aeron cleared her throat and Renee leaned against the banister half-wanting to hug her. “Next you’ll be telling me Nan is naggin’ you too.”

  Eli got up and wrapped Aeron in a hug. Renee enjoyed watching Aeron struggle with the close proximity and then relax into it, looking very much twelve years old. A very tall twelve year old but a sweet one.

  Eli turned and walked up the stairs toward her and Renee sunk back. He stopped adjacent and pulled her into a hug.

  “You’re always welcome here. I’m glad she’s got you.” He pulled back. He had a twinkle in his eyes. She saw the laughter warring with worry inside him. “I know you’ll keep her safe.”

  “That’s my job.”

  Eli nodded. “And you’re good at it as I recall.” He offered a cheeky wink and strolled off into the bedroom.

  Renee narrowed her eyes as she stared after him. That’s where Aeron got her cheeky side from.

  Chapter 12

  Strange mirages faded in and out in front of her as Frei wobbled. She felt unusually melancholy. She didn’t even get that way drunk. She hated melancholy. So, caring about people left her heart open to pain. She knew that. Logic kept pounding her, reminding her that caring hurt but she wasn’t giving in.

  Yes, she’d messed up in the past. Yes, people she’d cared about had been confusing and irritating and did irrational things. Jessie wasn’t the first to do that.

  She shook her head and scowled. Memories and brooding? “Give me a break.”

  She braced herself. When she touched the door, it would be electrified without a code. Hacking it would have been no problem if her hands would stop shaking.

  She shut her eyes, trying to cancel out the flickering.

  Why had Jessie done it? Why had she come here? Why not just leave the past behind? They’d got all the kids out.

  Frei sighed. Suz once again faded into her mind’s eye. Sounded familiar. Too familiar.

  Frei lay on her back. She was around twelve. The room was illuminated by the light from the building opposite. Jäger’s way of trying to catch her leaving. She smiled. Good luck with that.

  She was excelling but not in the academy. Jäger had denied Huber’s request for her to be moved from the Wood group. Huber hadn’t been too bothered. Instead he was teaching her himself. Huber had kept it simple: Keep her nose clean in Caprock and keep soaking up the skills he was offering. He was pleased, Suz and her sister were happy, and she could do something more fun. Breaking locks, hacking things, being where she shouldn’t be, it gave her a buzz. A big buzz.

  She’d needed to use those skills to keep Suz safe too. She’d made sure that Sawyer and Jones, two idiots sniffing around Suz, had been sold off. She didn’t want to think about what that meant. They had been after her with a greedy look in their eyes. Suz would have gotten pregnant. Frei may have been younger but anyone could see she was set on . . . what?

  She shifted to lie on her side. What was it that Suz was doing? A lot of the kids had issues. Frei had a bundle of them but Suz . . . it was like she wanted everyone to know she wasn’t happy. She didn’t want help either. She just wanted to dwell on it.

  Frei rubbed the bridge of her nose. She could only do so much. Her priority was her baby sister. Boys and staff were starting to sniff around her too. Unlike Suz, her sister was horrified by it. She didn’t like any attention. Frei sighed. Unlike Suz, she didn’t even have a name. Only a few did, Sawyer, Jones, Suz. Slaves like her and her sister didn’t get them.

  Voices rippled through the silence and Frei sprang to her feet and peeked out of the window. Her heart sped up. Pounded in her ears.

  Suz.

  Suz trying to free herself from Jäger.

  Frei gripped onto the edge of the sill. He terrified her. His hand was quicker than most. A flick of his wrist and kids would be on the ground, unmoving. He wasn’t bothered about anyone seeing either. She’d caught him watching her many times. She didn’t like the way he looked at her. She didn’t like the predatory look in his eyes.

  Suz struggled all the way to the dorm and Frei ran to her bed. Part of her worried for Suz, the other part was livid. If she stopped drawing attention to herself, Jäger would stop having excuses to be in their dorm. The thoug
ht of him anywhere near her room made her feel sick.

  The door burst open.

  Frei kept her eyes closed.

  “You’re pushing me.” His irritated tone made her tense. It usually preceded—

  Suz shrieked and Frei tried to control her jump as Suz hit the floor. She didn’t—couldn’t move.

  “Next time, I’ll have you in observation.”

  The door slammed shut. Frei listened in silence, not moving, as his footfalls faded. She waited until she was sure he’d gone, that he wasn’t lurking. She snapped open her eyes and hurried to Suz. She was semi-conscious, blood trickling down the side of her face.

  “What did you do this time?” Frei wanted to hit her too. She wanted to beg her to stop, stop pushing them. She couldn’t. To do that, she’d have to tell her she was a slave. That she had no rights. That Jäger, these people, Megan, they could do what they liked to her.

  Suz fluttered open her beautiful eyes. “Enjoying some night air.”

  Frei recoiled at the stiff whiskey breath hitting her face. “You’re drunk, again.”

  Suz pushed her off, sitting up. “Maybe if you drank more, you’d stop being such a loser.”

  “Me? You’re the one on the floor.”

  Suz snapped her hand out. Frei was ready, used to it, and dodged it without care. “Who was it this time?”

  She smiled. A smile that irritated Frei. A smile that telegraphed how much Suz didn’t care. “Head of physical education.”

  Said like that was a good thing, a trophy of some kind. “A skill captain? Are you nuts?”

  “Relax.” Suz pulled herself onto her bed, shoving Frei’s attempt to help away. “Not like she can get me pregnant.”

  Frei scowled at her words. “No, but she just got you drunk and beaten.” She went back to the window. Jäger was talking to a guard. She sunk back in case he saw her. “Just stay out of trouble, Suz.”