Desperation of Love

by Alice Montalvo-Tribue

  His shoulders relax a bit, and I swear there’s a hint of a smile tugging on the corner of his lips. He takes a deep breath before finally speaking. “That’s what this is about? You wanted to get back at me for talking to those girls by trying to make me jealous?”

  “Get that smug look off your face. I wasn’t trying to make you jealous. I was just giving you a taste of your own medicine.”

  “Well, genius, if you had come back to the bar like you were supposed to, you’d know that one of those girls is my buddy’s fiancé. She was there for her bachelorette party. The other girl was her friend. They were just saying hi, and I bought them drinks because I’m a nice guy, not because I was trying to do anything behind your back.”

  Well, don’t I just feel like a jerk now? I’m pretty sure all of the color rushes out of my face as the wave of remorse and embarrassment hits me. “Shit,” I say, looking away. “Alex …” I say, but I can’t finish the thought. What can I possibly say that will make this huge overreaction on my part go away? Why did I have to assume he was being a pig and flirting with those girls? This is what I do though. This is what I’ve been trying to tell him. I don’t always mean to screw things up. It’s just in my nature. If I find a reason to break it off, he can’t leave me one day. It’s no big revelation. It’s just the way my brain works.

  He places his hands on his hips and looks down at his shoes. “No. I get it. I know you’re looking for a reason to push me away, but it’s only been twenty-four hours. Could you give me a chance, just a little break?”

  I walk over to him and grab his hand, wanting desperately to make this right. He looks up at me with pleading eyes and I take a breath. “Yes, I can. I’m sorry. When I saw you with them, I just jumped to conclusions. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst.”

  He lets my hand go and takes a step back. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to let me past that wall of yours?”

  “What are you talking about? What wall?” I ask, feeling both rejected and defeated.

  “What wall? The one you put up to keep every potential man away.”

  I lift my head up and square my shoulders. “That’s bull. There is no wall. Do you see a wall?” I can’t help but sound defensive.

  “I can’t see it, princess. I can feel it.” He shrugs his shoulders. “Aren’t you tired?”

  “Tired of what, Alex?”

  “Of shutting out the people who want to care about you.”

  I take a moment to consider his words. It’s a simple question, but one that I find impossible to answer without admitting to myself what a mess I’ve really made. I want to argue with him, to tell him that he’s wrong, but he’s not. Denying it would just make me a liar, on top of everything else. “I’m trying. I know that it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I promise you that I am.” It’s the only truth that I’m capable of extending to him.

  He nods his head and uses his thumb and forefinger to lift my chin up. He kisses me on the forehead then releases me. “Alright,” he whispers. “I’m going to bed. We’ll try again tomorrow.” He walks past me and up the stairs, leaving me alone with my thoughts. For the first time ever, I feel completely alone in my own home. The only person I want is just up the stairs, but he might as well be hundreds of miles away. There’s nothing I can do at this point. I have to let this night go and move forward, hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. Hoping that tomorrow I won’t push Alex any further away.

  God only knows that patience has never been my thing. I’m not the kind of guy to sit around and wait to get what he wants. I think that might just be the only thing I learned from my mother. She attacks everything head on. In fact, she can be brutal. This is probably why my brother had such a successful career. She made it happen, never waiting for anyone or taking no for an answer. I may not be quite that aggressive but as I lay here replaying the last few days with Jordan in my head, I realize my patience is definitely wavering. I know that there’s more to her than meets the eye, more to her story than she’s letting on. I know, firsthand, how difficult a divorce can be on a kid but for her to be so guarded, so sure that I’m going to hurt her, so cautious when it comes to sharing her life, is just not normal. After tonight, it took everything in me not to turn around and leave, abandoning her to her issues and insecurities. I almost did walk away, but then I looked at her face and I could see the vulnerability. I could feel the desire in her to change her pattern with men and I caved. I submitted because I’ve seen glimpses of the girl I know she can be. I’ve experienced moments of the real Jordan. The kind, sensual, beautiful and intelligent girl that I know she is.

  Yeah, I have no patience but for some reason, where Jordan is concerned, I get over things quicker than I normally would. With her, patience isn’t that difficult a request. I can do it for her because I am certain she’s worth it … and now I can’t get her out of my head. The only thing standing between her and I is a couple of doors, and I can’t think of one good reason why I shouldn’t go to her room and make sure that she’s alright.

  I throw the girly, yellow comforter off and quietly make my way to her bedroom. I partially open her door and lean my head in, expecting to find her asleep, but instead she’s wide awake. She pushes herself up onto her elbows and looks at me with sad eyes.

  “Alex? What’s wrong?” I let out the an unsteady breath and push her door completely open.

  “I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.”

  She nods her head. “I’m okay. I’m just really sorry that I made such a mess out of tonight.” That right there, that admission from her, is completely uncharacteristic for Jordan. She doesn’t do apologies and that’s how I know I’ve made progress. She wants to give this a chance just as badly as I want to.

  I walk to her bed and get under the covers with her. I pull her into my arms and place a gentle kiss on her lips. “It’s okay, princess. We’re still figuring each other out. We’ll get there if you give it a chance.”

  She nods and lays her head down on my outstretched arm. “I promise to try.”

  “That’s all I ask.” We lay together for awhile, enjoying the feel of being in each other’s arms. The sound of her breathing brings me a strange sense of peace. Having her so close to me, even though at times it can be tumultuous, feels right. Moments like this seem almost natural. Within a matter of minutes, her breathing evens out and I know she’s fallen asleep in my arms, almost as if she was waiting for me to reassure her that we were okay. I begin to doze off too, basking in the feel of her in my arms. This girl can turn me inside out and tie me up in knots like no one has ever done before.

  I’m unusually warm this morning. I feel like I’m inside a cocoon all safe and warm. My eyes flutter open and I smile when I realize that the cocoon I’m caught up in is Alex’s arms. He came to my room last night to make sure I was okay, which I thought was very considerate, especially since I’m the one that made such a mess of things. I don’t know why I automatically assumed the worst when I saw Alex with those girls. In the whole time I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him be excessively flirty, and he’s certainly never been disrespectful toward other women. So, now that the dynamic of our relationship has changed, why am I suddenly on edge? It’s the same old story with me. I do this every time. This is the kind of bullshit that ended things with Mark. He tried so hard to prove that he was trustworthy, to the point of trying to move in with me just to show how committed he was. However, that plan backfired because that level of commitment just sent me running in the opposite direction.

  With Alex, I don’t want to run. I want to stick around and see how far we can take this thing. There’s just a lot more at stake with him, and I don’t want to make things awkward between me and my best friend, Elle. I understand that it’s not the best idea to do the relationship thing with Alex but God, I can’t help but want him. He makes it so easy to want more. He makes me believe that more might just be in the realm of possibilities. Like a healthy relationship might just be within my reach.
All I have to do is grab onto it.

  He snuggles his head into the crook of my neck and kisses my throat. “Mmm, good morning.”

  “Good morning.”

  “You’re still here. I didn’t wake up in your bed all alone this time.”

  “Hahaha. You’re so funny,” I say with a grin.

  “And you’re so beautiful.” His words make me blush. Normally, I would eat a compliment like that up but from Alex, it just makes me shy.

  “What do you have planned today, princess?”

  “I have to work. I have to meet a deadline. How about you?”

  “Victor and I have to meet with a contractor for the studio.” He places a kiss on my lips and gets up out of bed. “I’m going to jump in the shower and get out of here. I’ll see you later?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I respond. He smiles at me and walks out of my room abruptly, leaving me alone and wondering what exactly just happened. I thought for sure he would try to at least fool around a little bit. I’m still not entirely sure what’s going on with us. A few days ago, Alex couldn’t keep his hands off me, and now he won’t even touch me. It’s like he wasn’t affected by me at all, like all of a sudden he couldn’t get away from me quick enough.

  The rest of the week passes by quickly. Alex and I have fallen into an easy routine. He leaves every morning to work on the studio or work out at the gym, and I spend much of the day in my home office trying to stay on top of all my deadlines. In the evening, Alex makes dinner for us. I clean up the kitchen, then we snuggle together in front of the TV. When nighttime falls, he always ends up in my bed. We sleep together, and by sleep, I mean sleep, literally. Alex has not touched me in a sexual way since that morning in my room, and I’m not sure why. I don’t even know how I feel about it. I also don’t know how to bring it up without embarrassing myself and I have no one that I can talk to about it.

  Now it’s Friday night, and I’m on my way to meet Elle for dinner. I wish that I could talk to her about Alex, fill her in about what’s been going on and ask for her opinion about the matter, but I’m not ready to let her know about us. I pull into the parking lot of a little Italian restaurant that we both love and head inside. I check in with the hostess just as Elle makes her way inside. Her long brown locks cascade past her shoulders. She is wearing an ankle length maxi dress that shows off her expanding belly and glowing skin. In fact, she’s radiating happiness. It seeps out of her pores. Her eyes, which once were cold and devoid of emotion, are now full of life and light. There’s no denying the kind of love that she’s found in her life, the life that she shares with Victor. I wonder if my relationship with Alex will ever amount to that.

  “Hey, pumpkin,” I say, giving her a hug when she makes it over to me. She returns the hug and greets me. “You look beautiful. Pregnancy agrees with you.”

  “Ugh,” she grunts as we follow the hostess to our table. “I’m just so ready for this baby to get here. I’m so tired of being exhausted and swollen. Victor won’t even let me drive anymore because he’s afraid I’m going to burst. He makes poor Rob chauffer me around.”

  I give her a sympathetic smile. “This baby will be here before you know it.”

  Her face lights up. “I know,” she says, taking a seat. “I know I complain because pregnancy symptoms suck but, Jordan, I’m so happy. I never knew it could be like this. Victor’s always been amazing and it took me a while to catch on to what a blessing he is, but this baby is a miracle. I can’t wait to meet him or her.”

  “I can’t either,” I say softly. Having witnessed, firsthand, the worst part of Elle’s life, the abusive relationship, the loss of a baby, and the loneliness and regret that came afterwards, I can’t help but to tear up at her confession. Happiness for her has been a long time coming.

  For the next fifteen minutes, I catch up with my best friend. I love hearing her talk about her life, decorating the new house, working on a nursery, and how her and Victor are placing bets on the sex of the baby. She seems like such a different person now, loving, open and happy. I was afraid that it would never happen for her, but every time I see her like this, I just want to kiss a certain retired Latin singer.

  Our food arrives and the conversation slows down a bit. I tell Elle about work and how well it’s going and she tells me about all the plans she has for the new recording studio.

  “Can I ask you something?” she says after a while. I can hear the hesitation in her voice. It causes me to go on high alert.

  “You can ask me anything you want,” I reply, stabbing a piece of pasta with my fork and never making eye contact.

  “Is there something going on between you and Alex? Victor thinks I’m reading too much into things, but I can’t help but think that maybe you’re not telling me something.”

  I purse my lips together and shake my head. “Why would you think that?”

  “I know that you two have always been kind of chummy, but then I saw you together at the studio and that whole little showdown with Victor. It was just strange, Jordan.”

  “Alex and I are friends, Elle. That’s it. We’ve always enjoyed each other’s company. When we ran into each other that morning, he asked me to come see the studio, end of story. I know I was way out of line with Victor, and I’m sorry for what I said, but I’d hardly call it a showdown. It’s just that, as Alex’s friend, I see how people tend to take advantage of him.”

  “That’s not Victor.”

  Wow I never thought I’d see the day that Elle would jump to defend a man … against me! I know that’s what she should be doing, he’s her husband, but it still stings a little. “I know that. I know that Victor would never intentionally use Alex. I should have just kept my mouth shut.”

  “No,” she says, grabbing my hand. “I think it’s nice that you took his back. He needs friends around him. I just … oh God, please don’t take this the wrong way because you know how much I love you, but you and Alex would just be such a bad idea.”

  I can’t help but flinch at her words. It feels like a slap in the face. I guess I always knew that she would feel this way about the possibility of me and Alex, but to actually hear the words hurt. “I get it.”

  “No. It’s not because I don’t think that you guys would make a great couple, I do, just under different circumstances.”

  I pull back my hand and grab my drink. “What are you saying, Elle? Just spit it out.”

  “Alex has been through a lot with his family, particularly with his mom and dad. I just want him to be happy and I know that you have an aversion to commitment. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m afraid you’d end up hurting him. I’m scared that he might try to get too close for your comfort level, and then you’ll break things off with him. It could get really awkward.”

  “I hear what you’re saying and you’re right. I would screw it up. But you don’t have to worry because there is nothing more than friendship between us.” I reply, suddenly very thankful that I’ve finished most of my meal, because my appetite is suddenly gone and I just want to go home.

  After our conversation, I couldn’t get out of there quick enough. I waited with Elle until Rob picked her up then I left. I shouldn’t let her words effect me so much. I know they were coming from a good place, but how could I not be hurt? She’s my best friend, she knows me better than anyone, she understands how my mind works. I get that she’s just looking out for her family. She spoke nothing but the truth. So why do I feel so deflated? Her words just validated my worst fears about myself and what I can potentially do to Alex. Now I have to go home and see his face, and I know there will be no way for me to break away from the hold that he has on me. I just need to ask him for some space. I need time alone to think this through. I can’t do that when he’s in my house, cooking me dinner and holding me at night.

  I get home to find Alex lounging on my couch, watching a baseball game on the TV, with a beer in hand. In the past, walking in on something like this would have annoyed me, but as usual, Alex seems to be the
exception to the rule. I push that thought out of my head and walk further into the room. He looks up at me and a smile touches his lips. “Hey, princess. How was dinner?”

  “It was good.”

  “Come watch the game with me,” he requests, holding out his hand for me to take. I look down at his outstretched hand and I want to grab hold of it, tighten my grip and not let go, but the conversation between Elle and I just keeps replaying in my head. I need to think and I can’t do that with him here. I’m not ready to end things with Alex but I need some distance if I’m going to clear my head, and in true Jordan fashion, I go about it the wrong way.

  “Are you ever planning on going home?” I blurt out.

  “Excuse me?” he asks, sitting up straight and putting his beer down on the table in front of him. I can see a hint of surprise in his face. It’s shitty of me to say it like that, but I’m nothing if not blunt, and so is he. I think it’s one of the reasons we get along so well.

  I put my hands on my hips and tilt my head to the side. “You know— home. The one you moved into but never lived in. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take this long to fix a water main break.”

  “You don’t want me here?” He stands up and walks over to me.

  “I didn’t say that. It’s just that my space is important to me and we’re not at the point in this relationship where we should be spending every moment together. It’s just not healthy.” He’s annoyed. I can tell by the look on his face.

  He nods his head at me. “You know what? You’re right, Jordan. Space would be good right now. I’m going home. I’ll get my shit later. Let me know when you’ve had enough space.” He picks up his keys from the table and leaves without so much as a second look.

  I feel bad that he’s pissed off at me right now, but I think I did the best thing. This is all too new and I think we should ease into spending every night together. Doing my best to push the guilt away, I head upstairs to my bedroom, change into a pair of pajamas and get under the covers. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep but I can’t. I toss and turn for the next hour and a half, unable to get comfortable and hating myself because I know the reason why. I miss him. I miss him calling me princess and kissing me on my forehead. I miss snuggling up to him and feeling his warmth. I’m not sure how I got to the point where I’ve developed actual feelings for Alex, but it’s very unsettling, and now I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m confused. I’m wondering what it means that he hasn’t tried to move further with me in a sexual way and at the same time I’m relieved that he hasn’t, especially after talking to Elle tonight. I let her words affect me too much. She made assumptions about me that were true in the past, but why does she presume that I can’t ever change? If she changed her view on love, maybe I can too. Maybe I can be what Alex needs me to be, give him something that he hasn’t had before, something that I haven’t had before. Maybe we can do it together.