Desperation of Love

by Alice Montalvo-Tribue

  “Look at me,” he demands, grabbing my chin and pulling it until our eyes meet again. Once again, he slams into me. “Keep your eyes on me.” He starts to move inside me, starting off slowly and quickly picking up the pace until we’re both in a frenzy. My limbs are wrapped around him, and his hands on my inner thighs, keeping me exactly where he wants me. The orgasm hits me in a wave that washes over me, pulling me under until I’m drowning in it. His body tenses up, letting me know that he’s found his release too. I wrap my arms around him tighter, loving the sense of him enveloping me. This is what’s been missing since I let him walk out of my life. It’s the connection that I crave daily. It’s not about the sex, although that’s part of it. The rest is him, his presence in my life, his understanding of my heart and my mind. Tonight he’s allowed me back into his embrace, and all of a sudden, everything is right with the world. I’m exactly where I want to be, where I’m supposed to be.

  When I woke up this morning, Alex and I were spooning. He was lying behind me holding my leg so that it was positioned over his and he was inside of me. I’ve never experience waking up to sex like that but holy shit, he can do that to me anytime. I was instantly aroused and ready for him.

  After my early morning wake up call is over, I’m sated and taking comfort in the fact that I’m with him again. That the damage I caused wasn’t permanent.

  “We have to get up and go, princess,” Alex says, tugging on a piece of my hair.

  I roll over onto my side, giving him my back, and pull the covers over my head. “No, I’m not leaving this bed today. I just want to stay here with you all day and you can’t make me leave.”

  He rolls me onto my back and tugs the covers until they’re off of me. He kisses my neck, and then moves south. He cups my right breast in his hand and flicks the nipple with his tongue. “Is this what you want to do all day?”

  I bite my lower lip and nod my head, “Yes, this is exactly what I want to do all day. We have a week to make up for, you know?”

  “I know,” he responds, taking hold of my left breast and giving it the same attention. When he’s done, he places a kiss on my lips. “As much as I’d love to do that, baby, we have to go.”

  “Where? Where do we have to go that’s more important than this?” I huff, giving him my best pouty face.

  He chuckles at me then pulls me up to a sitting position. “Your best friend and my brother are going to have a baby today so I think we should get to the hospital.”

  “What?” I shriek at him.

  “Victor called about twenty minutes ago. Ellie went into labor. They’re already at the hospital.”

  “Oh my God! Why didn’t you say something?”

  “I tried to wake you up, but you sleep like the dead so I had to get creative.”

  “Alex!” I yell, but really I’m kind of amused by his silliness.

  “What? We have plenty of time. She was only three or four centimeters dilated. She has to get to ten, doesn’t she?” He shrugs his shoulders and smirks at me.

  “That is so not the point. Come on,” I say, tugging his hand. Let’s take a shower and go.”

  He smacks my ass as I head toward the bathroom. “You sure you want to shower with me right now?”

  “Yes, it’ll save time. You just make sure to keep your hands to yourself.”

  He grabs hold of my waist and pulls me backwards until my body is pressed against his. He slips his hand down and fingers my clit, causing me to gasp and my head to fall back on his shoulder. “I make no promises,” he says before he releases me and walks past me to the bathroom, leaving me standing there, breathless and aroused.

  “Tease!” I call out when I hear the sound of the shower running. I make my way into the bathroom where, for the second time this morning, Alex shows me just how much control he has over my body.

  Jordan showing up at my door last night was unexpected. She’s normally so fucking stubborn. It was shocking to see her actually make the first move toward reconciliation, but thank fuck that she did, because I missed my girl like crazy. I would have ended up seeking her out eventually so it was a pleasant surprise to open up my door and see her there. Being with her again last night and having her in my bed felt right. The emptiness that plagued my house was gone. She breathes life into it, making it feel more like a home and less like four walls.

  I really did try to wake her up when I got the call from Victor, but the past few weeks have been hell for her. She must have been exhausted because she was completely unresponsive. She looked beautiful lying there on her side, content and peaceful, so being the asshole that I am, took it upon myself to wake her up in a more exciting way. Then I got her in the shower and showed her how exciting that could be. Now we’re in the hospital elevator on our way up to see Ellie and Victor. I look over to my girl and she looks like she’s about to be sick. It hits me that this is the first time she’s set foot in a hospital room since her father passed away, and I feel like a jerk for not knowing that it might affect her.

  I turn to face her and grasp her chin in the palm of my hand. “Baby, this is a happy occasion, okay? I know you just lost your dad in a hospital, but this is different. It’s okay to be happy today.”

  She looks up at me with sad eyes and, shit, I wish I could take this pain away. She’s been doing okay, but the wound is still fresh. She has her moments and, of course, being in a hospital so soon after would take her back to that. “How did you know?”

  “Because I know you. I’m only sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.” I kiss the tip of her nose and grab hold of her hand. “You going to be okay?”

  “Yes. You’re right. This is a happy time. I can’t wait to meet this baby already.” The doors to the elevator chime open. I lead her down the hall to the labor and delivery unit. We make our way into the family waiting room and are met by the usual crew, Joe, Gavin, Gemma, Rob, Brooke and my mom are all there.

  I wave and say a quick hello, but Jordan greets everyone with her megawatt smile. “Any news?” she shrills, running over to Ellie’s dad, Joe, and giving him a hug.

  “Hi, sweetheart,” he says, returning her hug. “Nothing yet.” He releases her and she makes her way around the room, kissing and hugging everyone. She even gives my mom a hug and a kiss, which is odd considering she isn’t my mom’s biggest fan. As they embrace, I can sense something passing between them. Acceptance, maybe? I can’t be certain, but whatever it is, I’m glad that she’s making the effort. That means a lot to me.

  We’ve been in the waiting room for an hour and I feel like I’m literally bouncing off the walls with nervousness and excitement. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to know what’s going on with my best friend. Victor finally comes in and I jump out of my seat. “Oh my Gosh! What took you so long?” I blurt out.

  “She just had an epidural for the pain. She’s almost five centimeters dilated. It’s probably gonna be a while, but she wants to see you, Shorty.”

  “Finally!” I yell, bouncing up and down with excitement. “Let’s go.” I tug on his hand and he chuckles at me.

  “Alright, alright, bossy,” he says, turning and heading back out into the hallway. I’m halfway through the door when I realize I’ve forgotten something. I walk back in the waiting room, walk over to Alex, and bend down to give him a kiss.

  “What was that for?” he whispers.

  “Making up for last week, remember?”

  He laughs and gives me a kiss on the forehead. “Get out of here, silly.”

  I scrunch my nose at him before turning around and jogging into the hallway. I follow Victor into a secure area of the north wing. The only way in or out is to ring a doorbell and announce yourself to the nurses station. Once we’re allowed into the maternity ward, Victor leads me to Elle’s room. I’m immediately notice how different it is from a normal hospital room. It’s bright, airy, and spacious. Elle is lying in the hospital bed. She smiles up at me. “Hey, I’ve been waiting for you forever.”

  “I know, I know.
I’m sorry. It’s all Alex’s fault. He didn’t wake me up right away,” I reply, throwing Alex under the bus. I sit down on the side of the bed and give her a hug.

  “Alex, huh? He didn’t wake you up, meaning that you spent the night with him?”

  “Ellie,” Victor says in a warning tone.

  “What? She brought it up,” she replies. She turns back to look at me. “I’m just happy you worked it out.”

  “Me too. But what about you? How are you feeling?”

  “It got ugly for awhile there but the epidural helped, thank goodness.”

  I grab her hands and shake my head in disbelief. “I can’t believe we’re going to have a baby today.”

  “It’s really happening.” She squeezes my hands. “They allow two people in the room with me. Obviously, Victor will be here but we were hoping you’d be here too.”

  I gasp in both shock and excitement. “Really? You want me to stay?”

  I see her eyes get watery and know she’s on the verge of tears. I’m having a hard enough time holding it together as it is, but her breaking down and crying will make me lose it too. “You’ve been with me through everything. It only seems right that you’d be a part of this, too.”

  “You’re going to make me cry. Of course, I’ll stay.”

  I was in that hospital room for hours. My back hurts from trying to sleep in a hard hospital chair. Victor looked just as uncomfortable as I did for most of that time, and Elle was doing pretty great. I made a mental note that, if I ever do have a baby, I should most definitely get the drugs. I was about to give up hope that this baby was ever coming, but thankfully at five o’ clock in the evening, Ava Garza was born. Victor got to hold little Ava first, and I couldn’t help getting emotional watching him cradle her. He was a goner from the moment she let out her first cry, and it was a magical moment to experience. He handed her over to Elle who, of course, took one look at her and lost it. Then, of course, I lost it at the sight of taking in my best friend with her little one. After everything that she’s been through, all the loss and the pain, witnessing this moment in her life is monumental.

  Now, as I sit here and hold this little girl in my arms, I can’t help but to fall in love with her too. She’s quite possibly the most beautiful child in the world, with Victor’s olive skin and Elle’s soft features, and she has just a patch of brown hair. I think about my future and what it has in store for me. Could I actually have all this with Alex? A home, a marriage, a baby, is any of that in the cards for me? I never thought those would be an option. I’ve been so scared about what happened in my childhood to ever allow myself to even imagine it. The truth of the matter is that, if I married Alex and it didn’t work out, I’d be irreparably damaged. And if a baby resulted from that, I’d be terrified of what a divorce might do to him or her. Can I really take that kind of chance? Can I accept someone’s promise of forever, only to have it end badly? But then I look at little Ava and I think that it might just all be worth it.

  I’m so wrapped up in the baby that I don’t even realize Alex has entered the room. He hovers over me then bends down, resting on his haunches in front of me. I look up at him and I’m sure I’m gleaming. “Hey,” I whisper. “This is your niece, Ava. Ava, this is your uncle, Alex.”

  He stares at her for a long time then reaches out to her and she wraps her tiny little hand around his finger. “Hi, beautiful Ava,” he says with a smile.

  I motion him with my head to stand. I make it to my feet and gently hand her over to him. He rocks her in his arms and it’s clear that yet another Garza male has fallen victim to her cuteness. After seeing him with her, for the first time in my life, I can see a future that includes a family of my own. It both excites and terrifies me. Alex casts a glance at me, and I can’t help but melt a little. He leans down and places a kiss on my forehead.

  “You guys?” Elle calls out to us. We turn our heads in her direction. Victor is sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his wife. “Victor and I discussed this and we decided that we want you to be Ava’s godparents.” I draw a sharp intake of breath and look at Alex, who looks about as stunned as I am. “I mean, only if you want to,” she adds.

  “Of course,” I respond quickly, fighting back tears. “Thank you guys for trusting us with such a huge responsibility.”

  Everyone else starts to slowly trickle into the room and we soon lose our claim to Ava. Alex and I say goodbye to Elle and Victor and sneak out of the crowded hospital room. He pulls me into a hug while we wait for the elevator. “How are you doing, princess?”

  “I’m good. I’m so happy. That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever witnessed, babe.”

  “Yeah, it is pretty amazing, huh?” I nod in agreement. The elevator door pings open and Alex pulls me in, tucking me into his side. “Let’s go home.”

  Home. The word sounds so natural coming from him, like it would be so easy for he and I to merge our lives, create a home together, and I melt into his side a little more. I love the idea that Alex and I may be headed for a future where we can share a home and build a life together, despite the obstacles that we might face or the fear that we might feel. It becomes clear to me that this home isn’t a place for me to rest my head at night or a place to keep my belongings. It’s the reason I felt so lost for a week without him. Alex is home.

  No one ever wakes up and says to themselves, this is the day that everything falls apart. If I’d have known that today was that day, I would have refused to open my eyes. The morning started off great. I made breakfast for me and Alex then we grabbed coffee at Niecy’s coffee shop. Afterwards, we headed over to Victor and Elle’s house. All of the family was going to meet there later to welcome baby Ava home. Alex and I went ahead so that we could get everything ready.

  I’m busy decorating while Alex is cleaning up the house and ordering enough food to feed everyone. When the banner is hung and the last balloon is blown up, I head to the kitchen to find Alex, but he’s not there. I look out the window and see that he’s out in the backyard, sitting on a lounge chair and talking on his phone. I make my way outside and catch the tail end of his conversation. He is letting Victor know that everything will be ready when they come home. He ends the call, gives me a warm smile, and reaches his hand out to me. I accept his outstretched hand and he pulls me down so that I’m straddling him. I lower my lips to his, offering him my mouth, which he takes, stirring the desire deep within me. I break the kiss and let out a giggle.

  “You know if we were at your place right now …”

  He chuckles. “I know, babe.” He wraps his hand around the nape of my neck and pulls me back down until our foreheads are touching. “Jordan …” He swallows, looking unsure and hesitant.

  “What? What’s the matter?”

  “Nothing, I just…” He takes a breath, appearing to strengthen his resolve. He speaks softly. “I love you.”

  His words hit me hard and catch me off guard. I want to be happy that he’s said them. I want to shout at the top of my lungs that I feel the same way, that I love him too, because I do. I love him so much, but instead of happiness, I’m hit by a stroke of panic that leaves me breathless and wordless. He takes one look at me and his demeanor changes instantly, he seems to deflate right in front of my eyes.

  “Alex.”

  “No,” he says, gripping my arms and gently pushing me off him. He stands up and turns to face me. “It’s cool, Jordan. I should have known better.” His words break my heart. They make me feel as if he doesn’t trust me to do the right thing where our relationship is concerned. As much as it hurts me to know he feels this way, I can’t say that I blame him.

  “No, it’s not that …” I sputter, tripping over my own words.

  “You don’t owe me any explanations. You can’t make yourself feel something you don’t.”

  “No. Alex … I just …”

  “Don’t, okay? It’s fine. We’ll talk about it later. I have to go pick up the food. I’ll be back in a little while,” he says, l
eaving me standing there feeling like I just got the wind knocked out of me. I absolutely hate myself for panicking at the worst possible time. I wanted to say it back, but I was momentarily stricken with a jolt of fear. When I finally got my bearings, it was too late. He wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise when I tried to explain. I just got him back. I only hope that I haven’t lost him for good this time. He said it was fine, but it’s evident that he’s upset by the abrupt exit he made. The only thing I want to do now is find Alex and tell him that I was just scared but I do love him. Unfortunately, the family will be arriving soon and I can’t leave when everyone is expecting me to be here.

  Everyone is having a good time. I’ve always loved being around Elle’s family. I’ve often felt more at home with them than I do with my own family. It’s always been about nothing but love with them. They don’t thrive on drama the way my family seems to. Today, the love is overflowing and the house is full of happiness because baby Ava is home. I’ve never seen Elle like this. I thought I’d seen the true measure of her happiness when she and Victor ended up together, but it’s nothing compared to how she looks today. Ava was like the missing piece to a puzzle that’s now finally complete. My heart is bursting for her, it really is, but right now, the love and laughter is overshadowed by what happened this morning with Alex. He’s standing across the room from me. I can’t take the distance. We’re standing in the same room, yet I’ve never felt so far apart from him. If I could only get him alone for a minute, I could explain to him that he misunderstood my reaction. That my silence was not a confirmation that I didn’t feel the same way he did. It was just my instinctive reaction caused by years of shying away from anyone getting as close as he has. We’ve been casting glances at each other from across the room for far too long, and it’s driving me crazy. He’s talking sports with Gavin and I decide to make my way across the room and break the ice by saying hello. Hopefully, he’ll give me a chance and won’t push me away. I don’t think I can handle that kind of rejection from him. I know that I probably deserve it after all I’ve put him through, and most importantly, after my reaction this morning. I can see him stiffen up as I make my approach. I stop in front of him and Gavin and give them both an uncertain smile. “Alex, can I talk to you?”