Desperation of Love

by Alice Montalvo-Tribue

It takes me a little more than an hour to make it to the airport. I’m literally just in time to hop on my flight to Miami. I’ve had a small condo there for years that no one really knows about, so I figure it’s the perfect place for me to go and figure out what my next move is. There’re a lot of things that my family doesn’t know about me, things that I haven’t even shared with my brother. Not because I don’t trust him, but because I don’t want to put him in a situation where he would have to lie to anyone for me. I’m not as rich as my brother and I’ll probably never be, but I invested most of the money I made working for Victor on real estate. I fixed them up and sold them for a substantial profit. It’s not glamorous by any means, but it’s certainly made me enough money to live comfortably. It was always very important to me to be able to separate myself from the family business and live independent from them, if necessary. Thank God I did that, because it affords me the luxury of taking this time for myself. As much as I hate to do it, I need to disappear for a while. I’ll handle anything I can for the recording studio via email and telephone. They say that time heals all wounds. I just hope that theory proves true for me, too.

  Two weeks. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen Alex’s face, since I heard his voice or felt his lips on me. I’ve tried everything I can think of to reach him, but it’s like he fell off the face of the earth. No one knows where he is, not even Victor, who’s usually privy to everything concerning Alex. He still managed the final stages of construction for the recording studio, from wherever he is, and the grand opening was this past Saturday. I thought he might show up, but he was nowhere to be found. I miss him more than I ever knew was even possible. I’ve managed to get my work done, but other than that, I’ve been kind of a recluse in my own home. I barely sleep, I have no appetite, and I have no desire to see or talk to anyone. After the whole fiasco went down, Lucia came to see me. She apologized countless times for putting me in the middle of a family secret. It was clear to me that she never intended to get me caught up in this mess and I can’t hate her for what she did. She had no idea what the repercussions were going to be. I never thought I’d say this, but my heart goes out to her. I could see the devastation in her eyes, the pain and regret that she carries like a weight on her chest for the mistakes that she made.

  Aside from my mom and Elle, I’ve dodged phone calls from just about everyone in my life, including Brooke, who’s called me several times. These days, I’d just rather be alone. I did force myself to go see Elle and Ava a few days ago. No matter what’s happened, Elle has never shut me out of her life, so I don’t want to do that to her. Plus, I figured she could use the help with a newborn in the house. She’s been amazing throughout this whole ordeal, making sure to call me daily and listen to me when I need to cry or vent. I’m really mad at myself for ever thinking that I couldn’t talk to her about my relationship with Alex.

  My biggest regret is not telling Alex how much I love him when he needed to hear it, before all hell broke loose and it was too late. I don’t fault him for doubting my sincerity. I mean, I chose the worst possible time to tell him the truth, and at that point, I was acting out of desperation, not my undying love for him. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look of disgust on his face when I said the words, or even worse, the look of betrayal that washed over his masculine features when he realized that I knew the truth. If I could just talk to him, I know that I could make him see that he and I are not that far apart. In fact, I feel like no one can understand him better than me. I just pray that given enough time, he’ll be able to forgive me.

  I let out a steady stream of curses when my doorbell rings. Why can’t people just understand that I want to be alone? I take my pajama clad self to the front door and peer through the peephole. Victor’s standing on the other side, two cups of coffee in hand. I can definitely use the caffeine, I think to myself as I let him inside.

  “Hey, Shorty. I brought you coffee,” he says, handing me a cup and giving me a quick hug.

  “Thanks,” I say, leading him into the living room and plopping down on my oversized couch. “So, what’s up?”

  “He’s back.”

  “What? How do you know?”

  “I drove by his house on my way home from the studio last night. His car was there and the lights were on.”

  “Did you see him?”

  “No, I decided to just let him be. It was getting late and I wanted to give him at least a night to get settled. I dropped by this morning but he wasn’t home. I have no idea where he is now.” I’m speechless. I’m not sure what to say. I’ve been praying for him to come home for weeks, but now that he is, I don’t even know what to do next. “Do you have any idea where he might be?” Victor asks, taking a sip of his coffee.

  “If he’s not home, he’s usually at the studio or the gym.”

  “Alright. Well, I just wanted to give you a heads up. If you see him, let him know I’m looking for him.”

  “Come on, Victor. We both know I’m the last person he’s going to come and see. I fucked up and now I’ve lost him. He’s never going to forgive me.”

  “I don’t think that’s true. His whole world has been turned upside down and he’s taking it out on you. He’ll come to his senses.”

  “I hope so.”

  After Victor leaves, I manage to drag myself into the shower and get dressed. I start to think about Alex and where he might be when it hits me. I know where Alex would hide if he didn’t want to be found. I grab my car keys and head for the only other place in the world that I can think of to search for him.

  I pull my car onto the pathway that leads to the private beach, and sure enough, Alex’s car is there. I park next to him and get out, thankful that I pulled on a sweater before I left my house. The weather has turned and there’s a slight chill in the air. A gust of wind blows the hair in my face. I pull it out of my eyes, pushing it behind my ears, when I see him sitting alone down by the shoreline. My heart stops at the sight of him. God, it really hurts to look at him now. I fight the urge to run to him and throw myself in his arms, because I know that he would only push me away. I make my way down the beach before I lose my nerve and sit down next to him. He doesn’t look at me but he knows that I’m there because he heard my car pull up. I’m the only person who would know where to find him.

  “What are you doing here, Jordan?”

  “Victor told me you were back. He saw your car last night and he thought he’d give you the night off, but when he went back this morning, you were gone. He didn’t know where to look. I thought you might be here.”

  “Well, you found me. You can tell him I’m alive and well.”

  “Why don’t you tell him yourself?”

  “I don’t really want to see anybody.”

  “Alex, come home with me.”

  “Home? I don’t think I really have a home anymore.”

  “It’s been too long since you’ve had one, but I can be your home. I want to be. Don’t shut me out, Alex. Please.”

  “Like you shut me out after your dad died and you had your thing with Mark, or like you shut me out when I told you I loved you and you said nothing, or like you shut me out when you were given information that you knew would change my entire life and kept it from me?”

  “Yes to all of the above. I was wrong and I regret it. I’ll always regret it. I never meant to hurt you, Alex. There are things you need to know.” He turns away from me and stares out at the ocean. “Baby, please. Please!” I beg, pulling myself onto my knees and moving until I’m positioned in front of him. “Please talk to me.”

  “What do you want me to say, Jordan? That I’m lost That I don’t know who I am anymore? That my whole life was a lie? That the woman I loved betrayed me? You already know all that.”

  The woman he loved? Hearing that term in the past tense was like being sucker punched. I put it aside and focus on the more important issues. “What do you mean you don’t know who you are? You’re the same man you’ve always been. You haven’t
changed. This doesn’t have to change anything for you. Your family loves you. They aren’t perfect, not by a longshot, but they love you.”

  “What about you? That day when everything went down, you told me you loved me.” I nod. “How do you know? If you’ve never been in love before, how do you know?”

  “Have you looked in the mirror lately?” I joke, trying to lighten his mood.

  “This isn’t a joke.”

  “I just know, okay? I’ve never felt like this before. I know it’s love. I know it is because the fear of losing you is bigger than the fear of being with you. I’ve been living in hell for the past few weeks without you. I think I’ve loved you for a long time. I was just too stupid to admit it.”

  “Then why?”

  “Why?”

  “Yes. Why do you love me?”

  “I love you because you never let me get away with anything. You call me princess because you want to treat me like one, even though I can be a total brat. You treat me like I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I love you because you’re funny, you’re loyal, you’re a great kisser and amazing in bed, and I love you because no one has ever loved me the way that you do. When you’re around, I feel adored. I feel protected and secure, and when you’re not, I feel sad and empty.”

  He shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I really am but I can’t deal with this, Jordan.”

  “I’m a jerk and I know that. I can accept that. I know that I don’t deserve you, but I’m selfish, and now that I have you, I don’t think I can let you go. You are the piece of me that I so desperately need. I just can’t keep pretending like you don’t mean everything.”

  “Who says you have me?”

  “You. You did. And you’re not a liar so I know that you meant it, even if you don’t see it right now. Even if I’ve pushed you so far away that you can’t stand to look at me, I don’t care. I’m yours.”

  “I need time. I can’t make a decision about us now. It’s still too raw.”

  I close my eyes and nod my head. When I finally open them, he’s up on his feet again. “I have to go, Jordan. I’m sorry.”

  He walks away from me, leaving me alone, yet again, tears falling freely from my eyes. I no longer care about being strong. I want to keep fighting for him until he gives in, but with every rejection it gets harder and harder to keep it up. If this is karma for my mistakes with past boyfriends, I’m done. I think I’ve suffered enough these last few weeks for a lifetime. Between my father’s death and what’s happened with Alex, I think I’ve paid in full for all the shit I’ve done. I decide here and now that I won’t come after him again. If Alex wants me, he has to come get me.

  I left Jordan on the beach alone. She was upset and it killed me to leave her like that. She was trying to help me, to break through to me. I understand that but I just can’t be sure about her anymore. Life is too messed up right now to add one more stressor on the growing pile of shit I’ve been dealing with, and if anyone can cause me unnecessary stress, it’s her. I can’t handle her indecision and if I take her back now, only for her to change her mind later, it would do me in. She’ll destroy me. I’ve been chasing this girl for over a year now. It was a gradual thing. I didn’t fall head over heels in love like my brother did. It was different, harder. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have the potential to be just as sweet as what he has, it does. She’s amazing, but my heart can’t handle another blow. This is my reasoning for leaving her alone, crying on the beach. It seems like sane logic to me, but why do I have the overwhelming urge to turn around and go get my girl? I fight against it and keep driving. I can’t go to her, not yet. I need to see my brother. He’s the only one who I can talk to now. He’s the only one I have left, and he’ll get it. He’s always gotten me in a way that no one else has. Even though I’m older, he’s always gone out of his way to protect me. It’s what we’ve both done for each other.

  I pull up to his house and sprint to the door, not even bothering to knock on my way in. Ellie is coming down the staircase as I enter.

  “Alex, I’m so happy to see you. We were so worried about you,” she says. I hear the relief in her voice as she pulls me into one of her hugs. I wrap my arms around her waist and take what she’s giving me, because as much as I need my brother right now, Ellie is family and I know that she loves me too.

  “I know. I’m fine,” I say, releasing her. I tug at a piece of her hair and give her a small smile. “I just needed some time to myself. I had to think.”

  She tilts her head to the side. “What’d you come up with?”

  “I’m fine, Ellie. I’m still me, right? Nothing has changed.” I try to reassure her using the words that Jordan spoke to me not so long ago, but we both know that it’s not true. I’m not the same. I may never be the same again now that I know that my whole life has been nothing but one big lie.

  “Do you really believe that?” she presses. She knows me better than I give her credit for. I give her a nod, a silent confirmation and a signal that I don’t want to hash this out with her. “I hope that’s true. I hope you know that it changes nothing.”

  I clutch my keys in my hand. The feeling of the metal against my palm relieves some of the pressure in my chest. “Victor here?”

  She shakes her head. “He’s at the studio. He had a session.”

  I sigh, and give her another nod. “Tell him I stopped by, okay? I’m going home.” I turn to walk away but she’s not done with me.

  “Have you seen Jordan?”

  I freeze for a minute, my back going straight. I really don’t want to do this with her, but it’s Ellie, and I can’t bring myself to blow her off. I turn to face her again and give it to her straight. “Jordan and I are done. I can’t deal with her issues.”

  She looks at me like I’ve just punched her in the gut and it makes me feel like a real asshole. “She loves you,” she whispers.

  “It’s too late,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders. “I tried to get through to her, but it just got to be too much.”

  “I didn’t take you for a quitter,” she says, trying to egg me on and make me realize the error of my ways. I don’t have it in me to play these games with her, to listen to her defend Jordan.

  “Don’t. Seriously. This is not even up for discussion.”

  I can literally see the anger filling her body. “If you didn’t want to discuss it, you should have picked another girl.”

  “Alright … say what you need to say.”

  “Okay, in her defense, she never lied to you about her fears. You knew she would fight you at every turn but that didn’t stop you. But none of that’s important anymore. She’s heartbroken. She misses you. She’s scared for you. I’ve never seen her this way. She’s falling apart, Alex.”

  I close my eyes and rub my forehead. I don’t want to hear about how sad Jordan is. I can’t take it. “She’s too late.”

  “Too late for what? Because it didn’t happen in your timeframe, it’s not worth it? Can you imagine if Victor would have said that about me? Where would he and I be now? We wouldn’t be together. We wouldn’t have Ava. Love is not convenient. It doesn’t happen just because you want it to. She was scared, but she’s ready now. She loves you now. Don’t throw that away. It’s huge.”

  I let her words hit me, soak into my brain, and I attempt to process them. Maybe she’s right. Jordan gave me her love and I threw it back in her face because it didn’t happen the way I wanted it to. I can accept that, but it still doesn’t change the fact that she kept the truth from me about my mother. “She lied to me, Ellie. I don’t know how to get past that.”

  “She never lied to you, not once. She didn’t seek out the information that she was given. She didn’t want it. Your mom needed to tell someone and she told Jordan. She was trying to protect you by not telling you. She thought she was doing the right thing.”

  “It doesn’t work that way.”

  “Doesn’t it? Victor told me Jordan’s dad had a conversation with you before his
surgery. He told you that he knew he was going to die. Did you ever tell Jordan that?”

  “That’s not the same thing.”

  “The hell it isn’t! You didn’t tell her because you didn’t want to make things any harder for her. You were trying to protect the woman you love. It is EXACTLY the same thing.”

  “You’re a master manipulator, you know that?”

  She gives me a hesitant smile. “I am. But I’d never try to manipulate you in a way that would hurt you.”

  “I know that. I can’t make any promises, but I’ve heard what you said, alright?” She says nothing, but nods her acceptance. “Tell my brother I stopped by?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’ll come by to see Ava this week,” I say before I walk out the door. It’s easy to judge someone, to place blame on someone else for the things that are wrong in your life, but it’s never easy to take a look at your own actions. Jordan has pushed me away before, but I’m not innocent. I’ve pushed her away too and now I feel like a dick for having treated her the way I did.

  I’ve made a lot of mistakes where Jordan is concerned. I’ve used her as a scapegoat for my own issues and insecurities. I owe her an apology. I’m very aware of this now, thanks to my sister-in-law, but I can’t go to her yet. I need to be in the right frame of mind for that. I need to let go of all the other baggage I’m carrying around before I turn my focus to getting her back. The only way I’m ever going to do that is to pay a visit to my mother, my adoptive mother, I guess. I don’t even know how to think of her anymore.

  My father will always be my dad. He made some horrible choices, but at the end of the day, our relationship is what it is and I’ve always been okay with that. My issues, for as long as I can remember, have always stemmed from my contentious relationship with my mother. As much shit as I’ve given Jordan about allowing her parents mistakes to dictate her life, I’ve come to see that I’m not that much better.