Sensual Secrets

by Jo Leigh

  He chuckled. How could he not see her again?

  “Did we eat dinner?”

  “Nope. And I have a feeling we don’t want to eat it now. It’s chicken jerky.”

  “Oh.”

  “I can put something together.”

  “No, it’s okay.”

  “Amelia, you have to be starving.”

  Her hand clasped his penis, and he nearly leapt out of the bed.

  She just giggled. “I want fourths.”

  Jay couldn’t hold back a whimper. This was not good. He’d have to be some kind of cad to make love to her now. Not when he knew it had to end. Still, the temptation was so damn great…

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Uh…nothing.”

  “Jay?” She looked up at him, and he could see her confusion even in the dim light of the moon.

  “I’m fine,” he said. “I just thought we could, you know, cuddle for a bit, and then maybe go grab something to eat.”

  “Cuddle?”

  He nodded. Smiled. The last thing on earth he wanted to do was cuddle, but he’d be damned if he let her know that.

  “Hmm. Okay.”

  She relaxed again, but she didn’t let go of him. Maybe she thought cuddling was something else. Regardless, he’d never survive. He was already half hard, and she’d touched him for—what, ten seconds? “Amelia?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Honey, I have to get up.”

  “Why?”

  “Bathroom.”

  Her hand disappeared. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. You just rest. I’ll be right out.”

  She yawned loudly. “Okay.”

  By the time he got to his feet, she’d wrapped her arms around his pillow and closed her eyes.

  If he could stay in the bathroom long enough, she’d fall asleep. It was his only chance. Not that he didn’t want to… No. For once in his life, he was going to do the right thing. He wasn’t going to take advantage of her. Even though they’d already—

  He closed the bathroom door as quietly as he could. Looking down, his predicament was painfully obvious. There was no way he could go back out there in this condition. Even if she was sleeping, she might wake up, and then he’d be trapped.

  He took hold of his cock. It wouldn’t take long. Knowing Amelia was out there right now, naked in his bed, was enough to make him lose it. He closed his eyes, leaned against the counter and remembered.

  Nothing had ever felt as good as being inside her. He couldn’t even explain why. Maybe because he understood her so well. Because he knew how much it had taken for her to be so outspoken, so overtly sexual. He’d seen the real Amelia, and no one else had. She’d given him a gift. The best gift he could give her in return was to leave her the hell alone.

  He struggled back to the good memories, the feel of entering her for the first time. The sound of her whisper when she told him not to be nice. Shit, what irony.

  Touching her, feeling her ride him, oh God, he was getting close and he had to bite his lip to stop from groaning. The torture of knowing she was so near made him insane. What had she done to him? What was he going to do?

  AMELIA WOKE UP to sunlight. And an empty bed. She looked at the bedside clock. Seven-ten. Where was Jay?

  She sat up and stretched, but her yawn cut off when she realized she’d fallen asleep last night. Okay, so they hadn’t been doing it at the time, but still. She’d fallen asleep after teasing him. All he’d had to do was go to the bathroom. She’d never heard him come out.

  She would make it up to him. She didn’t want him thinking she didn’t care. That she didn’t want him. That was the farthest thing from the truth.

  Last night had made things very clear. On her part, at least. She loved him deeply, and she wanted nothing more than to be with him. Although it scared her to death, she was going to tell him.

  He might get freaked out, but something told her he wouldn’t. The way he’d looked at her… It was as if she could see her own feelings in his eyes.

  She slipped out of bed, stopped when she saw her clothes neatly folded on his chair. Sweet. She grabbed the bundle and headed for the bathroom, anxious to see him. Wondering if perhaps she shouldn’t put on her clothes just yet.

  She closed the bathroom door, and saw the note taped to the mirror.

  Dear Amelia, I had to leave, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you. There’s orange juice and coffee in the kitchen, and the bagels are fresh. I’ll never forget last night.

  It wasn’t signed. She wondered about that briefly, but it was probably nothing. He’d never forget last night. Neither would she.

  She wished he had gotten her up. She’d rather be with him than sleep. Or almost anything else. Maybe he’d like to come over tonight. She’d cook dinner, and they’d actually eat it. She grinned. If she could get rid of the roommates. Tabby would help with that.

  She turned on the shower, and as it warmed, she looked at the counter. His things. A razor and shaving cream, menthol. His horsehair brush. She picked up his bottle of cologne, Hugo Boss, and sniffed. She shivered as his scent filled her.

  Shaking her head, she put down the bottle, but she didn’t get in the shower just yet. She opened her purse, got out her lipstick, Femme Fatale Red, and wrote him a note on the mirror.

  She chuckled all through her shower. Today was going to be a good day.

  JAY HUNG UP the phone. Brian had called to report an Amelia sighting at the café. But Jay wouldn’t see her. It was the right thing to do, but he felt like shit. Which was probably just what he deserved. Leaving her this morning, knowing he wouldn’t get to call her or talk to her, had made him sick.

  He leaned back in his chair, stared at his computer screen. The temptation to log onto TrueConfessions.com had him by the short hairs—but he wouldn’t. Although, now that he wasn’t going to see her—

  He stood up so quickly his chair smashed into the wall behind him. This was ridiculous. He felt like a teenager mooning over the prom queen. Even when he’d been a teenager he’d never felt like this.

  Since the time he’d first become interested in the opposite sex, the game had always been in his court. He’d set the ground rules, and if things got sticky, he moved on. The system worked. He never lacked for companionship in or out of bed, and he liked to think his lady friends got as much out of their time together as he did. Uncomplicated, straightforward, he’d assumed it would go on like that forever.

  But even if he did consider, for a moment, the possibility of settling down, he couldn’t do it with Amelia. He’d have to tell her about reading her journal, and then she’d hate him, and that would be that. They wouldn’t be together, and she’d probably revert back to her old self, which would kill him. The only good thing to come out of this fiasco was her belief in herself, and that he wouldn’t take away for the world.

  The more he thought about what she’d done, how she’d faced her fears, the worse he felt about what he’d done. Only, if he hadn’t set things in motion, she wouldn’t have changed. It was a no-win situation, and the best thing he could do was step back, close the door and forget about it.

  As if that were possible.

  Forgetting Amelia wasn’t going to be easy. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be easy.

  AMELIA DUCKED BEHIND her textbook, but she wasn’t quick enough. Tabby came into her room and sat on the edge of her bed.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Amelia sniffed as she dabbed tears with her tissue. “I don’t know.”

  Tabby quirked her eyebrow. “Right. You’re crying because Medical Ethics in America is a moving, emotional read.”

  Amelia smiled, although the last thing on earth she felt was happy. “It’s been four days.”

  “Since?”

  “Jay called.”

  “Four days isn’t that long.”

  “Five days ago, we slept together.”

  Tabby blinked. “You did?”

  “Don’t sound so shocked. I’m not a nun.”
>
  “I know, it’s just that… Never mind. He hasn’t called you since you had sex?”

  Amelia shook her head, fresh tears clouding her vision. “I screwed up, but I don’t know how. He didn’t even wait for me the next morning. All I got was a note.”

  Tabby pushed Amelia’s feet aside and sat back on the bed, legs crossed, clearly settling in for a long chat. “First of all, you didn’t screw up.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I know you. Listen, kiddo, I know more about these things than you, and I promise, you didn’t mess up.”

  “Then, why hasn’t he called?”

  “There could be lots of reasons. All having to do with him. Not you.”

  “Like?”

  “He could have someone else in his life.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “But you don’t know for sure.”

  Amelia nodded. She put her book on her lap and grabbed another tissue. In her old life, she would have been sleeping by now. She didn’t stay up past midnight, unless there was some kind of emergency. Since Jay, that had changed, too. She’d been up later, done less studying. Her whole routine had been shaken up.

  “You know what I think it is?”

  “What?”

  “I think he got scared.”

  “Of what? I wasn’t going to hurt him.”

  Tabby tried unsuccessfully to hide a grin. “I meant that he might be afraid of his feelings for you.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “From what you’ve told me about Jay, he isn’t a one-woman kind of guy. Which means he knows how to keep an emotional distance. And if you threatened that—”

  “How? I didn’t ask him to marry me or even go steady.”

  “Go steady? Honey, you have got to stop watching those Gidget movies.”

  “Tabby.”

  “Okay. Sheesh. I’m talking about him being scared of his own feelings. Men are like that. At least, most men. They feel vulnerable when they care. It makes certain guys feel out of control.”

  “Well, I can’t help that.”

  “Which is exactly what I’m saying. It’s more than likely he hasn’t called because he’s going through his own changes. So give him a break.”

  Amelia blew her nose, then adjusted the pillow behind her back. She was in her flannel pj’s—ugly, practical, old. She felt as though they didn’t belong to her anymore.

  “You know,” she said, “I figured you would have told me to forget about him.”

  “Nope. Not this guy.”

  “Why?”

  Tabby smiled warmly. “Look at you. Whatever his sins are, they can’t take away from the fact that he turned your life around. I never thought I’d see you like this. Confident, playing up your looks, and you’re not blushing all the time. Hey, I don’t know if you two are going to live happily ever after, but damn, girl. Be grateful. No matter what, you’re ready to face life in a whole new way.”

  “I suppose.”

  “I know it sucks. But give it time. Let him come to his own conclusions. Remember, it ain’t over till it’s over.”

  “How come you’re so smart?”

  Tabby laughed. “Because it’s your life. I’m a complete moron about my own.”

  “You are not.”

  She climbed off the bed, stretched her arms over her head, then laid her palms on the floor. Bent double, she looked at Amelia. “It’s always easier to see everyone else’s life with clarity. But when it’s us, we have all our fears getting in the way.”

  “It’s true. It is about fear. Tabby, I don’t want to lose him. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  Tabby stood. “Honey, he’s the only thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  “Which doesn’t mean he isn’t the right guy for me.”

  “True. Look, if he doesn’t call tomorrow, call him.”

  “I couldn’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because.”

  “Good answer.”

  Amelia rolled her eyes. “Because I don’t know if he wants to see me again. If he doesn’t, I’ll be humiliated.”

  “You’ll be humiliated, anyway, so what’s the problem?”

  “Gee, thanks. You’ve made me feel so much better.”

  “I know. It’s a gift.” Tabby stood up straight and grinned. “Go to sleep. Things will be clearer tomorrow.”

  “Promise?”

  “Yes. I’ll even write it down if you want.” Tabby walked to the door, then stopped short and spun around. “You slept with him.”

  Amelia felt her face heat. She nodded, suddenly bashful.

  “How could you let me walk out this door without details?”

  “I’m not going to describe what happened. It’s personal.”

  “Screw personal. I want to hear everything.” She came back in the room, but instead of getting on the bed, she climbed up on the small desk.

  “I can’t say.”

  “Jeez, Amelia, I tell you everything.”

  “You do not.”

  “But that’s only because you don’t ask.”

  She had to laugh at that. Tabby’s logic was nothing if not consistent. “Okay. I’m not divulging everything. But I will tell you one thing. It’s uncanny. If it hadn’t happened to me, I wouldn’t have believed it.”

  “What?”

  “He can read me. I can’t explain it better than that. He just knows things about me he couldn’t possibly know. When we made love, it was right out of my fantasies. But it’s been like that from the first day.”

  “Maybe he’s your soul mate.”

  “I think so. I hope so. God, Tabby, if I lose him—”

  “Stop. Right there. You don’t know what’s going to happen, so why focus on the negative. Let it go. Trust it’ll turn out the way it’s supposed to.”

  “Tabby, I love him. I do. With all my heart. He’s the one, I’d bet my life on it.”

  “Then, he’ll call.” Tabby jumped down from the desk, kissed Amelia on the forehead, and headed out the door. “Now go to sleep,” she said over her shoulder.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  When she was alone again, Amelia tried to read her textbook, but it was no good. She couldn’t think of anything but Jay. Maybe he’d call tomorrow. And if he didn’t, then she’d call him.

  He was worth it. They were worth it.

  17

  JAY PICKED UP THE PHONE, dialed five numbers, then hung up again. It had been six days since he’d last seen Amelia, and things had gone progressively downhill.

  She was constantly on his mind. She’d been in his dreams. Several times, he’d justified calling her, rationalized reading her journal—only to find he couldn’t go through with it. Hell of a time to develop a conscience.

  He wished he’d stayed at work. Karl had been avoiding him, with good cause. He’d been a card-carrying bastard, taking his unhappiness out on everyone around him. Today, Karl had told him straight out to call Amelia and quit being such an idiot.

  Jay got up, walked into the kitchen, looked in the fridge. Nothing had changed since the last time he’d looked inside, which was—what, a half hour ago? Chinese food cartons, one with chopsticks still in it. Two pieces of dead pizza, jelly, beer, OJ and milk. He closed the door, debating whether he should go out to eat, call in take-out, or just forget about the whole business. He wasn’t hungry, just bored.

  He wanted to call Amelia.

  Shit.

  He wandered back into the living room and sat at his computer. He’d do a little surfing, maybe go to a chat room or something. He logged on and did a quick survey of his e-mail. Nothing interesting. Then he clicked on his Favorite Places. Of course, the first thing he saw was TrueConfessions.com. Before he could change his mind, he went there.

  If he read her stuff now, he’d know he was irredeemable. A jackass of the first order. So why was he torturing himself?

  Troubled? Confession Helps! Totally Private, Completely Anonymous
. Say Anything.

  He read the words over and over, and then he was on a blank page, a confession page of his own, and his fingers flew on the keyboard as he poured out his soul.

  It never occurred to me that I could hurt her like this. That I could hurt like this. It all went south, and I’m not sure when, or how. I just know I don’t deserve her, and that I miss her badly, and fuck it, I think I’m in love with her. I don’t know what to do. Who to blame, except myself.

  I don’t know that I can hold off calling her for much longer. I feel like a junkie going cold turkey, and I’m not strong enough. I need her like air, like water. I want to make love to her, and I want everything to be fine. I want it to be like it was.

  He stopped, hardly believing he’d said so much. He barely recognized himself. As he scanned the frenzied words, his gut clenched and he almost put his fist through the monitor.

  He picked up the phone and dialed Amelia’s number. She answered on the second ring.

  SHE WAS MORE NERVOUS than the first time she’d stood in front of his door. Nervous and excited, and she wished he would hurry up because her heart was about to beat out of her chest.

  When he’d called, she nearly wept. He said he’d explain when she got to his place. He said it would be okay. He said he’d missed her.

  The door opened, and seeing him was like a reprieve. As if she’d been pardoned by the governor, saved from a slow, aching death.

  He looked at her with a wild hunger as he pulled her into his arms. For a moment he just looked at her, and there was such longing in his gaze that she felt foolish for doubting him.

  “Baby,” he whispered, “I’ve missed you.”

  “Me, too. So much.”

  Her eyes fluttered closed as he kissed her, a long deep passionate kiss that melted her very bones. His hands on her back clutched tightly, as if he never wanted to let her go.

  It was she who pulled back first. Not because she wanted to, but because the door was still open and she’d heard footsteps. She was braver now, sure, but not an exhibitionist.

  He kicked the door closed with his foot, crooked his arm around her neck and pulled her tight. His erection against her hip was hot, thick, aching. She moaned as she ran her hand down his body until she touched him, cupped his shaft and squeezed him gently.