Fifteen Sixteen Maids In The Kitchen: A Grasshopper Lawns whodunit

by EJ Lamprey

  ‘I’d like that.’ Something was niggling at her as she opened her door and got out, waiting for him to round the car. Something he had said . . .

  ‘Jeanette,’ she said out loud as he joined her and he gave her a startled look. ‘You just called Kkkitty Catt ‘Jeanette’. Did you know her?’

  ‘Of course not. William said her real name, in the mock interrogation. ’

  She stared up into his eyes, which flickered under her scrutiny, and was suddenly deeply uneasy.

  ***

  Grant’s interview was obviously over, as the DI and his constable were alone in the drawing room and Kirsty was just coming through the door from the passage. She gave Donald and Edge a startled glance as they appeared through the panel but Iain, glancing up from updating notes on his laptop, showed instant comprehension. He swiftly unhooked his Airwave and pressed buttons.

  ‘McTavish? Tell me Mr Butler hasn’t tried to leave the glen?’ There was a sibilant reply. ‘Good. Pull the Rescue vehicle across the track. No-one leaves, any reason. Got it? Do not confront, but dinnae move the truck. I’m on my way down.’

  Even as he stood he was pressing more buttons with sure fingers. ‘Can anyone see Mr Butler? Only report if you can.’ He waited a beat, then ordered crisply, ‘Wherever you are, head straight to the tunnel. If you see him, notify, otherwise we’re starting an outward sweep from there.’

  ‘Stuart!’ Edge was completely bewildered. ‘But Iain, ask Kirsty, he looked perfectly normal when we found him. Someone who had murdered someone, then nipped into a secret room, found a door out the other side and run straight into people, would look at least a little flustered.’

  He nodded absently, not listening, jerked his head at the door, and the three police officers hurried from the room. Edge looked helplessly at Donald. ‘It can’t be Stuart! Buster accepted him!’

  ‘True.’ Donald took her arm and tugged her towards the door in the wake of the others. ‘But he did get Martha’s sociopath question right. Perhaps Buster is more influenced by Vivian than we realize. He never had any problem with Anna Martin, after all, and she was a nasty piece of work. If Vivian accepts someone, Buster will.’

  ‘Don’t say that, when Vivian went off alone with Stuart to count deer!’

  ‘Oh aye.’ He quickened his step. ‘Let’s go help in the search, eh?’

  ***

  William was getting into his car as Donald and Edge burst through the front door, and Donald shouted his name. He turned, startled and not best pleased. ‘What?’

  ‘Vivian! Do you ken where she is?’

  ‘Out with Butler, in the glen. She left about fifteen minutes ago. I was going after them.’

  ‘Good. So are we. Which way?’ Donald opened the back door for Edge and scrambled into the front seat himself. ‘Hurry!’

  ‘I want to speak to her privately, not in front of you two,’ William grumbled, but got back into the driver seat and fired the engine. ‘What do you want her for?’

  The big Range Rover moved forward and Donald waved impatiently.

  ‘Faster! There’s suddenly a huge question mark over Butler. He’s not a man you want her to be alone with.’

  ‘I know that,’ William said grimly but put his foot down and the powerful car surged forward. ‘Grant came to tell me I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. He said he saw them heading off together on some pretext of counting deer.’ He confidently turned left, into the main part of the glen, then swung onto a minor track while Edge hauled out her phone and punched in her niece’s Airwave number with fingers that trembled. The big car abruptly slowed. ‘Bugger!’ The track was split into two, and William looked dismayed. ‘Grant saw them take this track, but he didn’t know it split. What now?’

  ‘I went for a walk this way the other day.’ Donald was frowning in memory. ‘The left-hand side doesn’t go far, only to a fishing spot. I followed the stream across to the right-hand one, then got chased back to the house by a hostile stag. Edge – you passing this on?’ He twisted in his seat and she nodded at him, already talking to Kirsty. ‘Okay. Polis are on their way.’

  ‘The polis? Anyway, do you imagine I’ll sit meekly here, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel, while they set up a cautious search?’

  Donald’s lean cheeks creased in a humourless smile. ‘No. We’ll do this one. You check out the right-hand one with the car. Don’t interfere if you do see them, the polis really will be minutes behind. If you don’t see them, and we haven’t cut across to intercept you, you can assume they’re at the fishing spot and we’re with them. Come find us.’

  Edge had finished her call and was already scrambling out the back seat, her face pale. William nodded abruptly and had the car in gear and rolling even as Donald slammed the passenger door and stepped smartly clear, raising his eyebrows at Edge.

  ‘He didn’t even ask. Damn, I hope he doesn’t confront them – although I’d back him against any number of Stuarts.’

  ‘And I you. Please, dear heart, go, you’re way faster and fitter. I’ll catch up.’

  ‘Okay. But if you see deer, whatever you do, don’t spook them. Loop around. It won’t help Vivian if you get hurt. Promise?’

  He was gone on her nod, loping down the muddy track as it curved sharply out of sight, and she half-walked, half-jogged after him, extremely glad she had changed into suitable shoes and, for that matter, was reasonably fit from the daily exercise class. If Stuart and Vivian were peacefully watching does and their babies it would be ridiculous to be puce in the face and heaving for breath as she panted up. She wouldn’t care what they thought, though, if only they were peacefully watching does and their babies. . .

  ***

  ‘You did know her!’ Vivian accused breathlessly and Stuart shook his head, looking puzzled.

  ‘How could I possibly know a writer of erotica? Have a heart. I’m a local land agent!’

  Vivian wasn’t listening, instinctively making another connection. ‘Lorna, too? I don’t know how, but you’re their Alec.’

  ‘Vivian.’ He reached out placatingly and Buster scrambled into the front seat, snarling, and thrust his head out the open window, lunging for Stuart. He stepped back involuntarily, his colour rising. ‘This is ridiculous. I wanted to be alone to talk about us, how did we get side-tracked?’

  ‘Get away from me.’ Vivian was still breathless as she stepped instinctively closer to the angry labrador. Stuart’s face had twisted, his eyes suddenly brilliant with angry tears. The window was too small for Buster to get out. She reached for the door handle to release the dog but Stuart grabbed her wrist. With the strength of pure terror she twisted her arm free, and ran. She’d taken hardly three steps when there was the roar of another engine approaching, the blare of its horn, and then a familiar bellow.

  ‘VIVIAN! Stay by the car!’ She gave a half-sob of relief, changed direction back to the Land Rover, and had a fleeting glimpse of William, his face set in concentration behind the wheel, aiming directly at Stuart, who shot him a terrified glance, turned blindly, and bolted.

  So did the herd of deer.

  ***

  ‘They ran straight over him.’ William, one arm comfortingly around Vivian, looked round guiltily as Edge and Donald burst out of the short cut and ran up to the Range Rover, now flanked by the Search & Rescue vehicle. ‘Vivian was running away from him, I had to do something. I only meant to stop him in his tracks, make him realize I was here. He turned and fled when I shouted. I don't think he even remembered the deer were so close.’

  Donald nodded and crossed swiftly over to join Iain, who was watching intently as his paramedic crouched down by Stuart, who was groaning on the ground. Edge, spots flashing in front of her eyes from the last sprint, hung onto the Range Rover as she heaved for air, and winced when the paramedic hunkered sideways, carefully feeling for broken bones, and she saw the mess the stampeding deer had made of the land agent’s face. She looked away hastily.

  ‘Running away? Oh Vivian, are you
alright?’

  ‘She nearly wasn’t,’ William said grimly, the defensive look leaving his face as he watched the other two paramedic-trained police deftly shaking out a stretcher and putting it on the ground by Stuart. ‘That could have been her. I shouted at her to turn back to the car. What the hell was his case?’

  ‘He’s Alec Burns, or at least Jeanette and Lorna believed he was. He was probably basing himself at Burns Hall whenever he knew Grant wasn’t using it.’

  ‘The hell you say!’ William was, for once, jolted, and Vivian lifted her face from his shoulder to nod.

  ‘That’s why I was running away. I’d just realized he knew both women, but I hadn’t gone as far as working out the whys and wherefores. Oh, William, thank God you were here, that could be me lying there. Why are you here?’

  He looked slightly uncomfortable. ‘Grant saw the two of you leaving as he came out of his session with the polis. He watched to see which way you went, and barged into the suite to say Stuart was making a serious play for you, and I was being an idiot. It was like a bucket of water in the face. If you were going to choose, you had to know you were choosing between two men who both thought you’re wonderful. I was getting into the Range Rover when Edge and Donald caught up with me.’ He tightened his arm as she turned her face back into his shoulder, and raised his brows at Edge. ‘How do you know he’s Burns?’

  Edge had finally caught her breath. ‘There’s another door from the hidden room into the drawing room. That was his alibi blown out the water, and we knew he was out with Vivian.’ She touched Vivian’s arm. ‘Numpty!’

  PART FIVE

  Three days later

  Kirsty, looking unusually sombre, came to find Edge and Vivian in the shooting lodge kitchen on her arrival.

  ‘He died,’ she said simply and pulled out a chair to sit at the kitchen table. Vivian sat abruptly on William’s bench, looking sick. ‘Oh, Vivian, I’m so sorry! I didn’t think.’

  ‘No, I’m fine. I hadn’t realized he was so badly hurt.’ Vivian took the glass of water which Edge instantly held out and sipped it gratefully as her colour came back. ‘I knew it was bad, but not that bad.’

  ‘A ruptured liver won’t usually kill you.’ Kirsty, mortified, glanced anxiously at Vivian but it was Edge, her hand on Vivian’s shoulder, who urged her on. ‘He couldn’t be stabilized for surgery, though, and he went into multiple organ failure. There was nowt the doctors could do. He never woke, even with all the beeps and buzzers going crazy, he just – stopped.’

  ‘It could have been you,’ Edge reminded Vivian bracingly and her friend managed a smile.

  ‘That’s mainly why I’m so shocked, to be honest. Every time I remembered the mess his face was as they loaded him into the ambulance, I feel sick, because yes, without William it could well have been me. So he never came round? Never told you what had been going on?’

  ‘He was either unconscious or so heavily medicated as to make no difference, so no.’ Kirsty massaged her temples with her fingertips. ‘I hate to ask this, but Iain wondered if he could come through and talk to you guys again. He thinks one way and another you knew him as well as anyone and you’re good at putting facts together. Maybe together you could piece together the story.’

  ‘William’s writing full-time at the moment,’ Vivian said doubtfully, but Edge snorted and went over to the urn.

  ‘He stops to eat, they all do. And yes, of course we’ll do what we can. It’s a pity Iain can’t come and stay overnight, but more as a guest than as a DI. He could even have Stuart’s room. It would make talking easier, more relaxed. More like one of our brainstorming sessions.’

  ‘He’d probably love that. He’s pure fascinated by this house.’ Kirsty gave the ghost of a laugh and Edge put a cup of coffee in front of her, then handed one to Vivian.

  ‘Phone and ask him. He can only say no. And frankly we’d be happy to have him. It’s lovely and quiet at the moment, with them all scribbling away like crazy, but three days still to go. I only really relax when you and Drew arrive each evening, so with Iain here as well I’d probably even sleep.’

  Kirsty managed a better laugh, then excused herself to walk outside to make the call. Vivian cocked her head to one side to look up at Edge.

  ‘Were you serious?’

  ‘Of course I was. He may say he wants to talk to ‘us’ but mainly he wants to talk to you. One way and another you spent the most time with that poor sod. Wouldn’t it be easier to do it in a relaxed atmosphere, with all of us?’

  Vivian winced and nodded as Kirsty, looking slightly surprised, came back into the kitchen. ‘He said yes, and thank you very much, and he’ll be here soon after dinner tomorrow night.’

  ***

  ‘Have all your writers run away?’ Iain gratefully sank into the chair by the fire in the hall, and flinched as it gave a very human groan. ‘Not surprised that they did, mind.’

  Edge choked on an involuntary chuckle. ‘Donald loves the groans. There’s a chair in the library that gives an offended female shriek, and he’s sat on every chair in the house looking for more. There are only five, though. And no, all the writers are writing, and appear looking vague at mealtimes. It has become incredibly peaceful. It’s nice to have you here.’

  ‘It’s very nice of you lot to invite me. You’d be surprised how rarely we get invited back as guests after a murder investigation, especially as you no longer need anyone to help you find the traps.’

  Donald uncurled lazily to help himself to a glass of wine. ‘Edge says you’re our insurance policy to keep things quiet. Two more days to go, we’re not taking any chances. They’re still an odd bunch! The only effect a dollop of real life has had is to inspire them.’ He held a glass towards Iain with his brows raised.

  ‘William too?’ Iain accepted the offer with a smiling nod and looked around for his large host.

  Edge shook her head. ‘He has been, but he took off with Vivian this afternoon. Cook’s afternoon out, he called it. They’re eating out but won’t be late. It’s lovely having him back to his old self. Kirsty told us last night you couldn’t get all the information about Alec Burns you needed before Stuart died.’

  ‘No, we didnae.’ Iain was obviously chagrined. ‘He was a loner and a complete enigma. Living on a shoestring, too – he had a bed tucked in a storeroom at the back of his office, no other address. I promise, though, I shan’t talk shop until you are ready, and I willnae push if it gets awkward. I dinnae in the least mind pottering instead around this old place before it falls down.’

  ‘I doubt it will, now.’ Donald gave Iain the glass of wine, reached for Edge’s glass to top that up, and returned to his chair, looking pleased with himself. ‘We found the treasure.’

  ‘Donald found it. Right under our noses, too. The schematics for every special effect in the house, it was all in a filing cabinet in the secret room. Both William and Stuart had ignored them once they realized there was no map included showing where each one was. Apparently – and Kirsty told us your technical guy said the same – a couple are not only brilliant, but would have a commercial use. Since the old man took out international patents on the lot, there should be enough to restore the house, make it safe and offer it to the Heritage as a self-sustaining memorial and not just a crumbling historical curiosity. William was very pleased.’

  Iain threw his head back and laughed. ‘Superb! Spend a day out at Robertson Manor getting flushed out the bathroom!’

  ‘Mebbe not that one,’ Donald cautioned. ‘But look at this.’ He picked up his glass to retrieve the cork coaster under it, and flicked it up at the eagle overhead. It quivered on its wires and shrieked in realistic rage. ‘His skill with sensors was uncanny. The triffids can sense when one person is walking alone, or, better example, the dining-room table moves by itself: imagine living in a house where the dining room table moves into a corner by itself after you’ve eaten? Theatres that change their own scenes? It would revolutionise the lives of the physically challenged, too. Thir
ty years ago, developing that commercially would have been close to impossible, but now it will be a reality in months. The market won’t be huge, but there are a few companies out there would happily buy the patent, or pay the royalties. Not millions, but enough income to secure the house an honourable future.’

  William’s Range Rover could abruptly be heard over the muted Celtic Woman track playing from the concealed speakers as it crunched over the gravel to the front door. Moments later he and Vivian entered, looking a little flushed and pleased with themselves. Edge’s eyebrows went up and Vivian, blushing, twiddled her left hand at her, flashing light. Neither of the men noticed in the gentle bustle of greetings, and Edge got promptly to her feet and followed eagerly as Vivian made for the kitchen.

  ‘An engagement ring? He proposed? Oh, Vivian! Did you bully him?’

  ‘Not at all.’ Vivian twisted the ring on her finger and smiled down at it fondly. ‘It is a beauty, isn’t it? But it isn’t an engagement ring. I can call it that in South Africa, but actually it’s a promise ring.’ Her eyes sparkled as she looked up again. ‘He said he hasn’t changed his views one iota: that marriage is great for people who want it, but he’s still phobic about it. He said I’m the only woman he can imagine wanting to be with for the rest of his life, and if he ever overcomes the phobia that’s it, we get married. In the meantime this is to remind me every time I look at it that he loves me to distraction and that he is promised to me, and by wearing it I am promised to him.’