“Isn’t it a little early to start planning all this?” I ask them. “I can’t be more than two months along at most.”
Maddie stops whatever she’s doing and looks up at me. “I just thought maybe it would be a way to cheer you up a bit?” she offers before sitting down on her butt, right next to Jules. They’re closer to the fire sitting on the rug, but I’d rather be on the sofa.
“I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to do that,” I tell them woefully. My hand drifts to my midsection, but there’s not even a tiny bump. There’s no way I’d know I was pregnant if I wasn’t peeing on a stick every other day to prove that it’s real.
“Do you … want to … ” Maddie struggles to suggest something else.
“Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” Sue asks finally.
“I’m feeling so fucked up that I’m actually considering starting to write letters again,” I confess to them and remember how I used to write to my mother when she died. It was what my therapist had suggested. “That’s how low I feel,” I tell them, emphasizing each word.
“You can tell us, you know?” Sue offers.
“I’ll probably cry,” I tell her with a sad smile and huff a sarcastic laugh. “I just wish someone could explain it. I feel crazy.”
“Okay, so let’s have the complete update,” Jules says and squares her shoulders to give me her full attention.
“It’s over.” The words come out easier than I thought they would. Maybe I’m just numb to them, I don’t know.
“For real?” Maddie asks me.
“Yeah, I’m not,” I pause and shake my head and close my eyes. “I’m not doing this back and forth. I know where I want my life to go, I know what I need to do and Evan just isn’t there.”
“Did you tell him you’re pregnant?” Sue asks me cautiously.
“Yeah,” I tell them and swallow the pain that threatens me. “I told him and he was so happy.” I have to put my hand up to my mouth to keep from getting emotional again.
“I think it’s okay if you cry,” Sue says. “You’re going through so much and you can always blame it on hormones.”
A soft, but genuine laugh sneaks in, shutting down the overwhelming heartache.
“I told him, and he still chose to leave.”
“Why?”
“He didn’t say,” I tell them and then correct myself. “No wait, he did. He said,” I try to quote him although I’m not sure if it’s exact, “’I have to fix something I can’t outrun, but it’s only for a short while.’”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Maddie asks with her face scrunched up.
“I don’t know!” I raise my voice in exasperation and that’s exactly how I feel.
“Maybe he’s worried about the stress from everything he’s going through getting to you?” Sue offers and I stare daggers at her.
“As if leaving me is any better?” I practically snap at her.
Her hands fly into the air defensively as she says, “I take it back. He’s such an asshole.”
“He’s not an asshole,” I tell her but my words lose conviction as they come out.
“Here’s your tea, sweetheart,” Jules says and sits next to me on the plush sofa. The seat sinks in slowly, dipping as she gets comfortable beside me.
“I’m still so happy you’re pregnant,” Maddie says and reaches for my hand, squeezing it gently. “You’re going to be the best mom,” she says with such certainty even though she looks so sad.
“Do you want someone to come to the doctor’s appointment with you?” Sue asks, but I shake my head.
“I’ll be fine,” I answer her.
“It’s not about being fine, love,” Sue says. “I could take pictures or something.”
“Of her hooha?” Maddie jokes and Sue rolls her eyes.
“Just to have someone there,” Sue suggests.
“I would love to go,” Jules says.
“I just had one yesterday, so maybe next time.” I feel like a liar using the appointment as an excuse.
“But you missed that one,” Jules pipes up and reminds me of the truth. “You didn’t go when Evan … “ Jules trails off, but “left” is the word she’s looking for. Evan left me. I skipped my appointment and cried alone in bed instead.
“I didn’t reschedule since I have to go again in a few weeks,” I say, shrugging it off like it doesn’t matter. Like I’m not worried that my baby can feel my pain. And that every night I cry alone in our bed I’m damaging this tiny life.
Like I’m already a horrible mother and all this shit is going to hurt my baby.
“I just want to get my life together,” I say and take in a calming breath. “I know what I want, and I’m going to go for it whether or not Evan is beside me.”
“You deserve happiness,” Maddie says and the other girls nod.
“I just wish Evan would stop living like he’s twenty-one. And doing stupid shit.”
“I can’t imagine him walking away when he knows you’re pregnant,” Sue says although I’m not sure it was intended for me. She stares absently at the roaring fire, the crackling filling the silence that follows her words.
“I think that’s what hurts the most. It was so … when I told him, he was just so … ” I have to pause and close my eyes. I remember the way he held me and kissed me, and it kills me.
“Hey, now,” Sue pipes up. “You’re going to be fine regardless. He’s got a situation he’s dealing with.”
I roll my eyes at the word “situation.”
“The fact that he has any situation is the problem.” All of my frustration flies out of my mouth. “We should have our lives together. Stability and a family.”
It’s silent once I’ve finished. Maddie looks down at the rug and Jules has an expression of sympathy although neither says anything.
“I agree,” Sue says gently.
“It’s going to be okay,” Maddie speaks up although she doesn’t look at me, she just picks at the rug. She shrugs and says, “Being pregnant and single is like the new trend anyway.”
I let out a little laugh, and that breaks up the tension. Maddie even smiles.
“Well at least it’s fashionable then.” My hand moves to my belly subconsciously and a surge of strength eases my pain.
I can do this, and I deserve happiness. I’m worthy of that. If Evan doesn’t think so, then he’ll have to deal with the consequences.
“Fuck him,” I tell them. “If he wants to keep this shit up, then he can do it alone.”
I move the pillow on my right to my lap and hold on to it.
“You’re going to be fine regardless,” Sue repeats her earlier sentiment, the only one to speak.
I nod my head, but that’s not how I feel.
“And we’re going to throw you the best shower ever,” Maddie says, interrupting my dark thoughts.
“What theme do you want? The elephants or bees … or whatever else is in that bag?” Jules asks me as if it’s all we should be talking about. And I suppose it is. I’m done with Evan and his bullshit.
“I’ll have to think about it,” I tell her and bury myself into the sofa. A light feeling seems to lift my shoulders, like a weight is gone. Maybe it’s the feeling you get when you’re truly done with someone. When there’s no way they can make it right again and you’ve come to accept it.
Maddie starts talking about baby showers, and her voice is peppy as she pulls out an iPad from her bag and says something about a Pinterest board.
My gaze falls on each of the girls, all of them here for me. Jules catches my eye and rests her hand on my thigh, mouthing the words, “It’s going to be okay.”
And for a short moment, maybe a second or two, I feel like it might.
Evan needs time to realize what it means to be the man I need.
Hopefully the time I need to get over him completely and stop falling for his charm is less than that. Because I can’t do this again. I can’t and I won’t.
* * *
/> Diary Entry 1
* * *
Mom,
* * *
It’s been a while.
I miss you guys, but you already know that. I could really use your advice now.
I know Evan loves me. I can feel it when he looks at me, but when he’s not with me, I feel like he doesn’t. I know I’m insecure, but he’s been so weird lately. He’s acting crazy and it scares me.
I don’t even want to tell you. I’m so ashamed.
It’s that bad.
I know you never met him, but I swear he’s a good guy. I know he is.
But the thing is, he’s not doing good things.
And the worst part is that he’s not stopping.
He knows we’re pregnant, and he’s not stopping. It doesn’t get much worse than that, does it?
I don’t know what to do.
He wants me to just wait for him and I love him so much.
But I’m scared, Mom.
I’m scared he doesn’t really love me and that this is all going to hurt the baby.
I cry all the time. And that can’t be good for our little one.
I remember you crying when I was little and how you held me and sang lullabies to me. I’m trying that late at night. I hold my belly and try to sing lullabies instead of crying. I’m trying so hard, but I’m afraid I’m already failing.
I don’t think I can be with someone who isn’t willing to stop doing what he knows is wrong. It’s not just me anymore.
But it gets worse.
I can’t stop loving him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Mom. I could use your lullabies right now.
Chapter 9
Evan
* * *
Threats can make you weak,
To think of what’s to come.
To avoid seeing what’s here and now,
And live life as if you’re numb.
The lies are threading webs,
To trap and hold you still.
The sinners that hide in plain sight,
Hold your fate against your will.
* * *
New York City is a sight to be seen. It’s the nightlife, the skyscrapers, the people themselves. But winter is when it’s the most beautiful, I think.
Only the trees are wrapped with Christmas lights this early in November, but soon everything will be covered in white and blue lights. The windows will be decorated on all of the shops in Rockefeller Center and people will come from around the world to see it.
It’s stunning, but what’s best about it, is that it’s crowded. During the winter months, this block is constantly packed. And that’s exactly what I need right now.
I have to take off one of my gloves to turn my phone on and check the messages. My foot taps on the hard cobblestone beneath my feet as I wait on an iron bench.
The phone goes off in my hand and I stare at the message from my father.
Just a bit overworked because of my dumbass son.
Are you sure you’re alright? I ask him and ignore the insult.
It’s fine.
If you went to the hospital, I text, it must’ve been bad. On the subway here I got the message from my father that he was being released. He said he felt lightheaded in the grocery store and the manager called him an ambulance. He said they were just being dramatic, but I know my father. He’s stubborn and hates hospitals.
I’m fine. Go make it right with your wife, he tells me and I have to tear my eyes away from the phone.
I’m trying.
I hesitate to tell him, but the cold sickness flowing through my veins begs me to text my father, She’s pregnant. I can’t help it. I’m so fucking proud. Like I did something amazing for the first time in my life.
His response is immediate.
Thank God. Now she has to forgive you right? he texts back and I let a small chuckle escape.
I wish it were that easy. That’s not how it works, Pops, I tell him.
He messages back, It’s Pop-Pop now. I’m so happy for you two.
Fuck, it shreds me to even think about telling him the truth, so I don’t.
My phone pings again and this time it’s not my father, it’s the person I’ve been waiting for. I’m here.
A few children shriek in laughter as they run by me and I lift my eyes up, watching them chase each other. And that’s when I see her.
Samantha.
I shove the phone in my pocket, standing up and putting my glove back on and shoving my hands into my pockets as I walk toward her.
“Thank you for meeting me,” Sam says with bright red cheeks that match the tip of her nose. Her hair’s been blown by the wind around her face, although she has on a white beanie and a coordinating scarf and gloves. She slips her phone into her black wool jacket and says, “I feel like I’m being paranoid.”
“Tell me what’s going on.”
“James messaged me and said what happened to Tony could happen to me and to lay off the demands for the divorce.”
“As in … an overdose.”
“I don’t know.” She takes a deep breath and looks to her left and right as her face crumples. “I think just … I think he was threatening to kill me.”
“Are you okay?” I ask her and she shakes her head. Fuck, it shreds me to see her like this. I won’t let him get away with this.
“The coke was laced with poison and the cops are convinced it was intentional,” I tell her.
“I would say I don’t think James is capable of that,” Sam says with sad eyes. As she breathes, her breath turns to fog. “But he’s done things before … ”
“Things like what?” I ask her.
“He’s choked me, thrown me against the wall. He’s threatened me before. But he’s never … ” Her eyes get glossy as she says, “I didn’t think he would ever do it.”
“You think he killed Tony?”
She nods her head once, a frown marring her face as she gets choked up. “He said it was for you,” she speaks softly, her eyes flickering from me to the cars driving behind us.
I don’t give her a response in the least, hiding the anger as my heart thuds hard in my chest at the confirmation of what I already knew.
“What did I do?” I ask her.
“It’s because of me,” she says and her voice cracks.
“You didn’t do this.”
“You don’t understand,” she says, gaining more composure and wiping under her eyes as the wind whips between us and forces her hair behind her. “He wants me to give him everything in the divorce. The properties, the business, he’s not budging.”
“I thought it was finalized?” I ask her.
She shakes her head and says, “I pushed back.” Her words come out hard. “He’s pushed me around for so long and he thought he could just get rid of me and throw me away like he did his first wife. But I made this business.”
“So he went after me?”
“To prove a point.”
“And what’s that?” I ask her.
“That he could eliminate whoever he wants.”
Anger narrows my gaze as I tell her, “He missed his shot.”
“He’ll do it again,” she tells me, “and I’m scared.”
“It’ll be alright,” I tell her although I’m not sure it will be. I’m already trying to figure out how to end this. How to put that asshole nine feet in the ground.
“Please help me, Evan,” she begs and her voice is coated in agony. “I don’t know where to go or what to do.”
“The police,” I tell her and it’s the first time in my life I’ve ever thought of going to them. “You can tell them everything.”
“He has them in his back pocket,” she says bitterly and then adds, “You know that. Did they tell you anything?”
I shake my head no and say, “Only that the coke was laced to kill. It was made into a murder weapon.”
“Oh, God,” Samantha lets out a gasp and hunches forward slightly. I feel the need to put my arm out to steady her and she c
lings to me.
A moment passes in the wintry cold where I think back to a few times we’ve gotten out of tight spaces. I thought a client here and there would go to trial, but they never did. I didn’t think it was because of James though. I thought they didn’t have enough evidence.
“He’ll go down for what he did,” I tell her as one name and one face come to mind. Mason. Jules’ husband. He’s gotten off for murder, just last month.
He killed his father and everyone knows it.
He’s from a different world than me, but I know him from back in the day when the rich kid was pissed and wanted to cut loose. I don’t have a thing against him although I haven’t spoken to him since I split up a fight a few months ago.
He owes me for that. And Mason’s the type of man who pays his dues.
“What are you going to do?” she asks me. She scoots closer to me, almost too close, and I take a step back.
“I know a guy,” I tell her and she’s quick to nod but then her face falls.
“Fuck,” she whispers, her eyes focused behind me and I whip my head around to see what she’s looking at.
“It was him,” she says and then covers her mouth. “Shit,” she says with tears in her eyes.
“He can’t hurt you,” I tell her, turning around and keeping an arm behind me to protect her. My eyes search the crowd but I don’t see him.
Her hands tug at my arm, pulling me back to her. Her bright red lips glisten as she licks them and tells me, “He went down to the subway, but he saw us. I know he did. At least I think he did,” she says then closes her eyes tight and takes a step back. “It was definitely him.”
“Is he following you?” I ask her, although her eyes are still on the subway tunnel and her body’s still as she holds her breath.
“I don’t know.” Her bright blue eyes flicker to mine as she says, “I’m scared, Evan.”
“You should go to the cops, Sam-” I start to tell her she needs to protect herself, and if she doesn’t trust the cops she can always hire security, but she cuts me off.
“It’s not me. I’m not worried about me. If he thinks you know, you’re not safe.”
Scarred: Sins and Secrets Series of Duets Page 5