I’ve been his for far too long.
If I leave him, then who am I?
No, that must be wrong.
* * *
I need his touch; I need his lips,
The soft desire that does burn.
He’s wrong for me, he’ll hurt me,
But it’s a love I can’t unlearn.
I don’t know what to think or do.
I don’t know what’s right and wrong.
But I’m so aware of how I feel.
Every inch of skin burns with need against Evan’s touch. He’s got a spell over me. It must be some kind of dark magic, because he makes me forget reason. He makes me forget how angry I am at him.
I melt into him as if I was meant to be held by him from the very start.
The worst part is that I don’t want him to ever let me go. Because the second he does, I’ll remember. Time will resume and the moment will be ruined.
One of these times, I’m going to let him go and never be held again. I can feel it down in my very soul.
His hot breath tickles my neck as he whispers, “I love you, Kat.”
And my soul quiets, the pain soothed. And for the moment, I grip on to him just as tightly as he holds me.
My heart clenches in my chest as I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I’m so happy,” he barely breathes as he brushes his hand against my belly. “We’re going to have a baby,” he says reverently.
How can I not fall back to him when I know he loves me? How can I not cling to him, when he talks to me like this?
Every reason comes to me one by one, the truth too real to ignore.
My nails dig into his shirt as I push away from him. “We need to talk.” I push the words out as he reluctantly watches me move away.
“If we do this, we’re moving forward together?” I ask him.
He nods and says, “I promise.”
“I just want to be with you, Evan.” I speak from the bottom of my heart and I know it’s the bottom because it’s all I have left.
“I promise,” he says again but his eyes are glossy.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t the man I should have been for you,” he says then grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles one by one before turning it over to kiss my wrist. “I’m sorry I fucked things up so bad.” He looks away from me and I can’t stand the look in his eyes.
“It’s okay,” I tell him, desperate to take the hurt away from his expression.
“I love you, and that’s what matters,” he tells me again. “Don’t stop loving me. Please. No matter what happens,” he begs me.
“You didn’t do anything,” I tell him. “Nothing will happen.”
He looks me in the eyes and says, “Nothing will ever happen to you or this baby. I swear, Kat.”
“Our baby,” I whisper and put his hand on my belly. He lowers his head and I swear I think he’s crying, but when he looks up at me he says, “Nothing will ever happen to you or our baby. I’ll never put you in harm’s way, Kat.” He takes a deep breath.
“Just don’t stop loving me,” he says, almost like a plea.
“Don’t stop loving me,” I tell him back and he says beneath his breath, “It’s all for you. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
“Evan,” I start as I reach for his jaw, feeling the intensity of his words and the chill that comes with it. But as my lips part, a startled yelp comes up. Evan’s strong arms wrap around my waist and bring me to his chest as he carries me up the steps.
He sets me down gently on the bed, which is so at odds with how he kisses me. It’s ravenous and reckless even. Desire scorches my skin and makes me scissor my legs.
He groans into my mouth as his hands slip between my thighs and under my panties and he runs his fingers up and down my pussy.
“So fucking wet,” he groans with lust. “I love how you’re always wet for me.”
“Always,” I repeat his word, but my head feels dizzy and the need for him to be inside of me overrides any sort of logic or reason.
I claw at his shirt, desperate to get it off and it makes him chuckle, a deep, low sound.
My eyes feel heavy as I open them to scold him for taking so long and leaving me wanting, but the words stay put in my throat as I watch him pull his shirt over his shoulders, revealing his tanned, tattooed skin and muscular physique.
I lick my lips with the need to kiss him and he grants me exactly that. Bracing one forearm by my head, he leans down to kiss me, pressing his lush lips against mine and tasting me with swift strokes. He pulls back to trap my bottom lip between his teeth as he pushes his jeans down.
It’s a short, sharp pain that spikes through my body, directly connected to my clit. When I open my eyes, letting the sweet gasp of longing escape, I’m lost in his gaze. Trapped under his dark hazel eyes and waiting for him. I’d do anything for him. I swear there’s no way I could love him more in this moment.
“Evan, please,” I start to plead with him not to leave me again. Not to make me choose between a life without him or a life without shame, but he cuts me off, mistaking my plea for what my body feels and not my heart.
“Spread your legs for me.” He gives me the command and my body obeys before I can even fully register his words.
Every thrust is slow and deep. The air between our lips heats until I arch my neck with a moan, feeling his thick cock push deep inside of me, wanting more of me than I can give.
“Evan,” I say his name reverently as my hardened nipples brush against his chest and he groans into my neck, holding himself inside of me.
“I love you,” he whispers and then pulls out slowly. My body relaxes thinking he’s keeping a slow pace, pulling himself nearly all the way out before pushing back in until he’s buried to the hilt. But instead he slams himself into me and I scream out, my nails digging into his muscular shoulders as pleasure races through me.
“I’ll never stop loving you,” he says as he pounds into me again, his hips crashing against mine.
“Evan,” his name slips from between my lips as my head presses against the pillow and thrashes from side to side. It feels too intense. Way too much for so soon. My breathing picks up as my toes curl and my legs wrap around his hips.
He rocks himself against me, his pubic hair brushing against my throbbing clit and I writhe under him, feeling my skin prick slowly with the need for just a little more. I can hardly breathe. “Evan,” I moan and again it comes out as a strangled plea.
“Kat,” Evan says and then nips my earlobe, sending a shudder across my body. “Never forget, that I would do anything for you. Everything for you.”
Chapter 7
Evan
* * *
It’s all for her, the thought rings clear,
It’s all for her, my love, my dear.
I won’t give up or let harm come,
I’ll fight it all until I’m numb.
And even then, I’ll protect her still,
Because, for her, I would kill.
* * *
It feels colder than usual as I walk down the sidewalk. It’s empty, not a soul in sight. Not even down the alleyways and in the dark shadows. Someone’s always there. Always watching and waiting.
But not tonight.
My boots crunch the light snow beneath my feet and fog fills my vision with each step I take to get home.
The light outside the townhouse flickers and catches my attention.
The silent night and darkness set in just as I walk up the stairs and open the door.
It’s so quiet and my first thought is that I’m grateful she isn’t crying anymore. Ever since I told her the truth, Kat hasn’t been the same.
She looks at me the way I’ve always looked at myself. She’s always sad now, with red-rimmed eyes and an expression of shame, and it’s all because of me. I ruined her like I knew I would.
I call out to her in the townhouse. It’s the same as it’s always been, but there’s an emptiness to it. A feeling that emanates from the white walls do
wn into my bones.
“Kat!” I call out again, and my voice echoes from the kitchen.
My boots crunch although there is no snow.
My breathing picks up and again fog clouds my vision as I walk toward the kitchen. “Kat,” I say her name but I already know she can’t hear me.
The white mist fades and I see her. Just as she was yesterday, balled up on the floor, but she’s not crying anymore.
Crimson red has seeped into her clothes.
“Kat,” her name slips from me in disbelief as tears flow freely and I run to her.
“No!” I scream as her limp body falls on the floor and her eyes stare back at me, lifeless, but still red-rimmed.
A note falls from nowhere as I cradle her, rocking her and screaming for it not to be true. Praying for God to take it back. It flutters to the floor with an elegance I hate in this moment. I can’t let go of Kat; I grip her tighter, reading the words as the ink on the paper appears slowly. The script is feminine and delicate.
You should have let me go. You should have protected me.
It’s all your fault.
And then I hear a baby scream.
* * *
My eyes shoot open. My body’s stiff and hot as my heart races, pounding in my chest like a war drum. Heavy, hard and unforgiving. It’s just a nightmare.
“Kat,” I whisper her name and move suddenly, shaking the bed as I put my arm around her.
It’s the soft moan from her sleep that keeps me from shaking her.
My heart still pounds in my chest as she breathes easily beside me.
As if nothing’s wrong. Like nothing’s happened.
I blink away the sleep and terror as the early morning light streams into the room and the city traffic drowns out the gentle and steady sounds of Kat’s breathing.
My body’s heavy as I lie back into the bed, wiping the sweat from my brow and trying to forget the look on her face as I held her in my arms in the nightmare.
It’s hard to swallow, and the fear is nearly crippling.
It’s not real, I whisper. But I know with everything in me it’s so much more.
Time ticks by slowly, and sleep doesn’t come again for me.
I didn’t lie just once last night. I lied twice.
The need to be with her made me do it. The need to hold on to her love and let her feel how much I love her. I had to take her pain away. But that makes today that much harder.
There are only two truths I know.
Someone’s trying to kill me and if they can’t get me, they’ll come for her.
But only if they know we’re still together. And right now, no one does.
I love Kat too much.
I almost leave a note after going through my dresser drawer, knowing there was nothing in there to take, but making sure nothing was left behind. The first thing I’m doing is having a security system installed. This shit won’t happen again and that’s how I was going to start the note.
I wanted to write one for Kat to say goodbye and that I’ll be back then leave before she wakes.
But she deserves to at least know why I’m leaving. Only for a little while. Only until I know she’s safe.
* * *
“The doctor’s appointment is at one I think,” Kat says sleepily and I turn, my body stiff, to face her slowly. My eyes burn from the lack of sleep, but I don’t care.
I welcome the pain.
“You’re finally awake,” I answer her and prepare myself for what I have to do.
The world thinks we’ve broken up. And it has to stay that way.
“You’ve been up long?” she asks me and yawns.
“Kat,” I say her name and swallow my words.
I’ve been thinking about them all morning, the images of the nightmare feeling more and more real. And every possibility for what could happen running on a loop in my mind.
“I have to tell you something,” I tell her as I stare at the dresser across the room. I look in the mirror but I can’t see our reflection, only the closed door to the bedroom.
“It’s only for a short time, but I have to go do something.”
“What do you mean?” she asks and then sits upright. She reaches out for me, her soft, small hand gripping on to my shoulder so she can have my attention.
“I mean, I don’t think I can go to the appointment today.”
Her expression falls and she visibly retreats, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping the blanket tightly around her.
“Why not?” she asks with a little heat in her words. With every second that passes, I can see her getting angrier. “What’s more important?”
“I don’t think we should be seen in public together,” I tell her and swallow the painful lump in my throat. No one knows we’re together or that she’s pregnant. “This has to stay a secret.”
“Are you serious?” she asks me.
“Kat, I have to take care of some things.”
“Bullshit! You don’t have to do it! What about us? Our baby,” she says and her voice cracks. “What about taking care of us?”
“I am,” I tell her and my words come out strangled, shattering the delicate balance that was here only a moment ago.
“If you walk through that door, you’re not coming back.” Kat’s voice shakes as she points a finger at me. Her eyes are wide and the grief I feel is reflected in them. “You can’t keep doing this to me. I can’t keep … ” she trails off and hiccups, on the verge of tears.
“It’s only for a short while,” I tell her to reassure her.
“I don’t understand.” Kat shakes her head as if she thinks I’m crazy. As if what I’m saying is incomprehensible and maybe it is, but it’s okay. The less she knows, the safer she is. And that’s the only thing that matters.
“I have something I have to finish.”
“You need to stop this, Evan. Please. I’m ready to move forward. We have a baby coming. We can do this, but you can’t keep going backward.”
God I wish she knew.
I could try to outrun it, but not with her by my side. I’ll fight it and come back to her. I just need her to have faith. And I know she will. The last thought is what moves me to put space between us.
“Just believe me when I say I love you, but I can’t be with you right now.”
“Stop it! Stop it, Evan. Please! I don’t care what it is, just leave it behind and stay with me. Please, I’m begging you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I tell her and hate that I’m causing her pain.
“Why are you doing this?” she whispers. “I can’t believe … I can’t … ”
“I love you, Kat, but I can’t do this right now.” The words come out as if I’m ending it with her and that’s when I realize it’s what I have to do.
To protect her and my baby.
“I swear to God, if you walk out of that door, Evan, it’s over. I’m done playing games. You’re here or you’re not.” Her words are restrained as she says them, each one looking more and more painful.
My chest tightens with an unbearable sorrow as I whisper, “I’m sorry, Kat.”
Chapter 8
Kat
* * *
I’m worth something, that I know,
But that’s not what I feel.
I should be strong and move on,
I think I need to heal.
Time has taught me to trust,
To have faith and to forgive.
Time is nothing but betrayal,
And lies are addictive.
Winter happened overnight. And it’s a bitter one at that.
My hands are still freezing as I stare at the fire in Jules’ great room. It’s been painted and decorated since I was here only a week or so ago. Jules didn’t waste any time making the space feel cozy and warm. The soft gray walls complement the cream furniture and stone fireplace perfectly.
“I love the color,” I tell her in an attempt to cheer myself up and break the awkwardness in the room. Usually when we g
et together it’s nothing but laughter.
“It’s called Mineral Ice,” Jules says agreeably from her spot on the chenille rug. Her glass of wine hasn’t moved from the coffee table since I’ve walked in. Come to think of it, neither Maddie or Sue are drinking either.
The only one who seems normal is Maddie, and it’s because she’s lost her mind. I only just texted them days ago with the news that I’m pregnant and she’s taken it upon herself to start planning every detail of the next nine months for me. I love her and the distraction, but there’s no way I can even think about a baby shower right now.
“I think the grays and yellows will be perfect for a neutral theme,” Maddie says. “We could do bees or elephants and it will all match this room perfectly.”
Maddie has a few bags on the floor next to her. Each from different party shops with samples of all sorts of baby shower accessories and décor. She said it was a “few” things to look at in the group message.
I’d started a group message to vent to them about what had happened. Within two hours both Sue and Jules were at my side, pulling me together. It was Maddie’s idea to meet up today and thank God they dragged me here. I’d rather be looking at tiny yellow clothespins and paper samples for invitations than hysterically crying on the floor in my bedroom. So I suppose this is a win.
“Thank you for offering to host it, Jules,” I tell her, giving her a warm smile and feeling so damn ungrateful. All of this is so out of place with how I feel.
I’m just not happy, and I can’t fake it. There’s a hole in my chest and it feels like there’s no way it could ever heal.
The father of my baby left me. Not just left me, but left me again, talking like a crazy person. He’s lost it. That’s what it really is.
I thought we were whole again last night; I felt it. Everything in me felt the love between us. And yet, this morning he walked away.
“Okay, so menu … ” Maddie says, leaning over the laptop that’s on the glass coffee table and clicking the keys.
Scarred: Sins and Secrets Series of Duets Page 4