“Right,” I said, not knowing if she really was. Sometimes she hid things.
If I could talk to her I wouldn’t be conflicted at all but she already showed me I CAN’T!
I don’t blame her. I really don’t.
The things Ben did to her were horrifying and beyond damaging. She had every reason to NOT want to think about him. There just wasn’t a way for me to just ignore the fact that I felt close to that monster and that monster said things that I want to think through and talk about and get over as well.
Avery just wanted me to drop it and forget. I didn’t work like that. We were different people.
She just wanted me to accept he was a monster and be done with it, no more thought, no more debate.
If that worked for her, good.
But that didn’t work for me.
It just didn’t.
I didn’t have that fucking option. I needed to talk to someone impartial.
The word triggered the memory of that meeting and that quiet Counselor.
I thought about it but right now it seemed dumb. Honestly, if I thought she’d be in her office I’d go now. I didn’t like sitting on these thoughts. My mind was a factory. I couldn’t take a big thought without turning it into several more.
Nevertheless, I tucked the thought away in the back of my mind just in case.
Monday would come soon. If talking to Nat didn’t help I had an option I didn’t think of before, a good option that might just work.
If my mom hadn’t already scared me out of seeing a Psychiatrist when I was young I would’ve done that right now but life was what it was...
Avery and Skylar ditched me again to go back down and swim.
It was nice of Skylar to check on me but it really depressed me that I couldn’t just talk to her.
As far as Avery goes I wish I could talk to her about this but not being able to really hurt me before.
The last thing I ever want to do to her is hurt her.
Talking about Ben hurt her.
There was no way.
The practice ran normal. I got to see what she was used to doing every day.
She was happy here. I saw she was happy.
That was worth the whole thing.
I waited outside in my car while Avery showered off and changed in the locker room.
When she came back out though Skylar was still with her and they walked over to my car together instead of going to hers.
I took in a deep breath and tried to put on my good girlfriend face.
Avery came up to my window and I rolled it down.
“Hey, do you feel like taking Skylar to dinner?”
“Sure,” I said optimistically.
No though… Not really.
I know that’s bad but it’s too complicated right now.
Whatever.
“Awesome.” Avery walked around and got in the passenger’s seat while Skylar got in the back. Avery leaned in and waited for me to meet her in the middle. She wanted me to kiss her.
I leaned in a little and pushed her hair behind her ears with both of my hands. I didn’t want to kiss her in front of Skylar. It felt fucked up.
I ran my hands down Avery’s neck and sighed before shaking her shoulders and asking, “where do you want me to go?!”
It was something. A distraction I guess.
I just didn’t want her to notice I was uncomfortable.
She blinked at me, raising an eyebrow but not letting it go. “I don’t care where we go. Just somewhere with lots and lots of carbs.”
“Amen,” Skylar chimed in.
“K,” I said nervously. I didn’t really know how to act with them together right now. I’d just sort of spilled about some of my crap to Skylar and she spilled to me and now we were doing this with Avery present. It was just dumb.
I started the car and began to drive the opposite direction I usually went. I didn’t know where to go but I didn’t want to go to the Inn again after last time. And the drive toward Avery’s house would forever remind me of Ben.
Thai or Chinese would be good but something told me Avery wouldn’t be into that.
“OH! Can we go to Luigi’s?” Avery was nearly bouncing in her seat.
“Sure,” I said. I knew of the place.
“Yes!” She did a little fist pump that had Skylar laughing.
She was like a little kid right now. Addictive as that was, I couldn’t shake my paranoia about Skylar.
I kept driving and tried not to let myself be bothered. I wasn’t fond of Luigi’s. Luigi’s was always swamped by other High School kids and their pizza was less than amazing.
I drove fast to try and speed us up but then I thought about Adam halfway there and slowed myself down.
Skylar and Avery were talking. I kept my mouth closed. I didn’t know what they were talking about anyway. I didn’t know their coach or their friends or their inside jokes. They brought up some plays they’d done together and kept quoting lines and making me feel like some outsider who just didn’t belong.
I was sad I guess. I’d been sad since the arraignment.
Adding on the mixed emotions about Skylar made it worst.
Avery tried to make me laugh a couple of times but I found myself sort of faking for her.
We got to the parking lot and I couldn’t be happier to get on with the night.
Skylar got out but Avery hung back in the car, putting her hand on mine. “Hey, you okay? You seem out of it. Should I not have asked her to dinner?”
“No, it’s fine,” I said, trying to put her at ease. “I’m just having a hard time trying to stabilize after before. It’ll go away,” I hoped. I mean, what else could I say?
“Okay,” she said. She was acting sad and nervous after I answered.
“Baby,” I said, grabbing her hoodie and pulling her in. I just wanted her to look at me when I kissed her. I pulled her in and gave her the kiss I had wanted to give before. The kiss I couldn’t give in front of Skylar.
I pulled us apart and laid my forehead on hers. “I love you,” I said, feeling a bit of calm after the taste of her.
“I love you too,” she grinned. “I like when you do that. Just grab me. Mmmmmm.” She hummed her approval and sighed all dreamy, opening her car door and slipping out to meet me on the other side.
I took her hand and let her pull me up into her.
She was so strong. My body flew up to press against hers hard as she grabbed me to keep me real close.
“Shit,” I exhaled, feeling lust.
If there was one thing she was good at it was making me forget.
She pulled me into the restaurant and Skylar walked by her other side.
We got a booth and it was really loud. I wanted alcohol but this wasn’t a normal place that I frequented so I couldn’t ask.
Avery trapped me inside the booth and put her hand on my bare leg.
It was hard to look Skylar in the eye and pretend I was okay with everything.
“So, how are you guys?” Skylar asked, noticing my momentary panic. If I could I would kick her but I wasn’t sly so Avery would know. I held back.
Chapter Seventeen
Avery
Luigi’s was busy. It was Friday night and everyone was starting their weekend. The atmosphere gave me a thrill. All the voices and the energy flying around, but part of me was always focused on Olivia.
I was wrong. Going to swim practice only made me want her more. I was going to have to talk to her. I couldn’t just start something with her and hope for the best. Either we were going to have sex or I was going to have to go for a run and make myself too tired.
I’d never been like this before. It was amazing what being with her made me feel. When she’d kissed me in the car I had to stop myself from jumping across the car into her. Skylar’s presence helped with that.
She had been so happy to hang out. It was amazing how much you could miss someone and not realize it. She sat across from us, looking at the menu but I knew what I wanted so I didn’
t bother.
Instead, I slid my hand under the table and onto Olivia’s thigh. Her hand came down to stop me and I felt her body tense as I touched beneath her skirt. I didn’t go any farther. Just left my hand there. I hadn’t intended to do anything more. I just wanted to feel her.
We were in public and Skylar was about two feet away. I might be crazy but I wasn’t that crazy. I looked over, smiling at Vi, watching her face change. She was cute when she got a little nervous and stern.
The waitress came over and took our drink orders. I could tell that the water Olivia ordered wasn’t really what she wanted to be drinking. Maybe we could grab a bottle of wine from the main house later and that would make her feel better.
“What do you want, baby?” I asked her.
I figured that we wouldn’t want the same thing. Our tastes were so different but I wanted to try what she ordered.
“Oh, well it’s so hard to decide,” Skylar answered.
I looked up- mouth wide open. “Oh, so not cool.” I balled up a napkin and threw it at her.
“I’ll just eat what you eat,” Olivia said.
“But I want to order something you would. So, tell me what you want and we’ll get that. I want to try stuff you like.”
Skylar coughed, pretending to be sick. “You guys are too cute. It’s killing me.”
“You’re just jealous,” I joked.
Olivia coughed beside me and took a few drinks from her water. “What are you having Skylar? Maybe I’ll just have that,” Olivia said.
I looked at her, feeling out the weird vibe. Maybe it was because we hadn’t gone out with anyone else. It was always just the two of us.
“Um, I was just going to get a medium with artichoke hearts and spinach and white sauce,” she answered.
“Ick,” I said, teasing her.
“That actually sounds really good,” Olivia said. “I won't get it though, baby, if you don’t want me to,” she said to be nice. She was keeping her eyes on the menu, not looking up.
“Na, I was just messing with Sky. We should just get an extra-large of that and a cheesy bread. Then everyone can be happy.”
I wanted this to be a good night and if that meant I had veggie pizza so be it. At this point I was hungry enough that I could eat it and not even notice.
The waitress came back and I ordered for us, handing her our menus.
“Can I also get a small pepperoni?” Olivia asked, surprising me.
“Sure,” the waitress said.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“You don’t want spinach and artichokes,” she muttered under her breath.
“I was fine with it though. It didn’t bother me. I’m hungry enough to eat anchovies right now,” I said. I leaned in. “And you know how I feel about fish.”
“Just want you to eat what you like,” she said. “You picked this place, remember?”
“Where would you have gone?” Skylar asked, her eyebrow raised. I watched her eyes look Olivia up and down like she was teasing her.
Olivia didn’t speak she just stared at her with this interesting look, took in a labored breath and turned her attention down to her phone as she fiddled with something.
I started to feel that vibe again. Like they were sharing something that I couldn’t be a part of. I moved my hand down to her knee and squeezed, establishing some kind of connection.
“Are you trying to flirt with my fiancé, Sky?”
My teasing probe had an edge of sharpness to it. I couldn’t keep it out of my words. It was dumb but I was so hopelessly aware of any possible issues.
“Nope,” Sky said. “Wouldn’t dare,” she raised her eyebrows and looked out at the crowd of others having meals.
“I doubt that,” Olivia muttered.
“Okay, what’s up with you two? You’re acting weird.” I finally asked. We had been sitting here for several minutes and the entire time was uncomfortable in some way.
“Skylar’s just mad at me because I wouldn’t tell her all my secrets,” Olivia spilled with nonchalance.
“Right,” Skylar scoffed.
“Is there some other reason I forgot to mention?” Olivia asked looking at her and challenging.
“No, she’s right,” Skylar said backing down.
The tension at the table made me edgy. I turned in my seat, taking my hand off of Olivia’s knee, and looked at both of them. “Do I know these so called secrets?”
“I’ve tried to tell you them,” Olivia said. “It’s just tricky.”
“Oh.” That stopped me. She was talking about Ben and their talk. I felt sick. I didn’t want to have this immediate reaction to it. I wanted to be there for her, be good. I hated that he took that from me. As much as I knew it was useless I hated myself.
“I’ll be right back,” I said.
I leaned over and caught Olivia’s lips as she turned to look at me. I kissed her but she backed off a little. My stomach sank. “I just need to go to the bathroom.”
“Okay,” she said, searching me. I saw worry but then she hid it away.
I got up and wound my way through the tables toward the back of the restaurant. I just needed to move. I moved with a single-minded purpose, deftly avoiding any and all obstacles in the crowded building.
When I made it to the bathroom it was empty. I went in and turned around, flipping the lock even though it was a two stall restroom.
The fluorescent light blinked periodically above my head and made a buzzing sound. It sounded like it was inside my head or maybe it was. I wanted to reach up and bat it away, dampen the sound and let my mind rest.
I looked in the mirror, seeing a pale, gaunt face. The effect of stress. I brought my hands up, pulling at my cheeks. They’d been fuller a month ago. It wasn’t a big difference. Maybe I was just seeing the effects of bad lighting.
I heard a knock at the door and a small voice.
“Avery?”
It was Olivia.
I unlocked the door and waited for her to come in, pressing my finger into the little dimple in my chin. I’d always hated it. It bothered me that there was that little place of weakness.
“It’s unlocked.”
“Oh,” she said, pushing it open and coming in. “You okay?” She asked, stepping forward and touching my face with her hand.
“You think they have surgery to get rid of these? What would that be like a dimple-ectomy?” I pressed it again and pulled my finger away.
“Are you kidding me?!” She looked mad. “I love that part of your face, don’t you dare think of changing it.”
“Really? It’s always bothered me. Sometimes I used to just press my finger into it for a long time and hope it would go away but it never did.”
She moved her thumb down to feel the spot. She was protecting it from my scrutiny.
“I guess I’ll add it to the list of things you like about me that I don’t.” I laughed.
“Hey,” she said, moving her thumb and kissing my chin. “You’re crazy beautiful,” she said, kissing the side of my jaw and then my neck as she leaned in to hold me. “Just wanted to come in here and make sure you weren’t freaking out,” she whispered, licking me. “I feel weird being all touchy in front of Skylar. It’s not you,” she said, sliding her hands around my waist to pull me into her.
I leaned into her, feeling better just by being close to her. “Why do you feel weird about that?”
Skylar wasn’t weird about that stuff. She didn’t have a problem with people showing affection in front of her.
“I dunno,” Olivia said, her breath getting thin. “I just do,” she said, letting her hands roam as she felt me without holding back. She was asking me to touch her with the way she approached me in here. I felt her hand come up into my wet hair as she cupped the back of my head and kissed me fevered and hungry, pushing me back into the sidewall of the stall with her body.
I forgot about what we were discussing. I just knew she was kissing me like she needed me. My heart sped and I didn
’t even care where we were. I pushed my hands under her shirt and smiled when she gasped.
“We should go back though,” she said, eyes closed as she delighted in feeling me touching her.
“I don’t want to. I want you.” I sighed.
“Fine,” she said, tugging at my pants. “But it’s kind of rude, don’t you think?” She was kissing my neck now and nipping at me. She had her fingers underneath the hem of my jeans and her thumbs hovering over my button. I felt her fingers slide on my skin away from my center until she got to my hips and took her hands out to press her thumbs on my hips smoothing over the bones. She pushed me just there on both my sides at the same time.
Paper Dolls [Book Three] Page 29