The Diary of Anna’s Submission

by Jenika Snow

  Even now, as I sit at home, staring out the window with my black journal in hand, I wonder what he is doing. Does Felix think about me? Does he imagine all the erotic little things we did over and over, like I do? I can’t help the ache that settles in my heart when I think of just being another student to him. I had felt something more, something monumental. True, it had only been a short time, but I can’t dispute the way I feel. I don’t want to ignore it, don’t want to brush it away as a fantasy of staying with the man I lost my virginity to.

  Hell, if my feelings were on display everyone would know how deeply Felix wormed his way into my heart. No Dom, or even man after him, would ever compare. Why? Because I loved him. As crazy as that sounds, as crazy as that looks on this paper, I truly do love him. He peeled away my resistance and fear for what I wanted and gave me a whole new life, but without him in it I would still be the shell of a girl searching for what I matters most in life.

  Even if what I am going to do ruins everything, I have to try. I don’t want to be with just any other man, and I don’t want any other man dominating me. I want Felix, and if he doesn’t want me, I want him to say it to my face.

  June 4th

  Tonight is the night. I’m ready to go to Claudette’s, ready to face Felix and profess how I feel. It is eight at night and the sun is just starting to set. This might be quite possibly the stupidest move I have ever made, but I need to take that chance. Never have I been so bold and daring, but Felix brought that out in me, the only man, only person to ever do that. Because of that, I know I need him in my life. Anxiety has a vice grip around my chest, but I have to stay focused and keep my goal in mind. This was the night that would either make or break me. All I wanted to know was what Felix thought, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

  It is nearing midnight and although the last thing I want to do is write in this fucking journal, I know that I have to get what happened out of my mind. I can see the faint bruising on my wrists and my pulse quickens at the thought of how I got those. I wish the outcome could have been different, because all too soon the physical reminder of my night at Claudette’s will heal from my flesh. I guess I should just start from the beginning even though it pains me to remember it.

  The ride to Claudette’s seemed to take forever despite the fact it is only a short drive away. I was anxious, so much so that my palms were sweaty and my legs shook despite the fact I was seated. I thought my heart would burst from my chest, and every possibly scenario of what would happen when I saw Felix slammed into my brain.

  I was surprised at how light the traffic was. It was, after all, too early for the night dwellers to be roaming around. When I finally reached the club and paid the taxi driver, I just stood there staring at the building that seemed so ominous. As soon as I stepped through the red studded door, raucous music assaulted me. The singer screamed out lyrics, much too loud and violent for me to understand. This was how it was at Claudette’s, though.

  I stopped in the threshold, handed my jacket to the coat check, and looked for Felix. I didn’t even know if he was working, but that had been part of the chance in this crazy plan I had concocted.

  The sound of cracking whips and metal chains clanking together drew my attention to the side, and I stared transfixed as a large man used the paraphernalia on a woman tied to a wooden post. The room was smoky so I couldn’t make out if it was Felix or not, but my heart didn’t care, it still sped up at the possibility that it might be him.

  I inched my way closer, my vision adjusting to the hazy lighting. I realized it wasn’t Felix and disappointment flared inside of me. Although the evening was still early and there weren’t many patrons in the club, there were still a substantial amount of voyeurs watching the shows. One man, dressed in only torn leather pants and a leather mask that covered his whole face offered to spank me until I got off. The thought of that stranger doing that to me was repulsive but I declined politely. It is weird because wasn’t Felix a stranger to me and had offered a similar proposition?

  When I had searched the whole club with no sign of Felix, I found an empty table and sat down. More and more people started to migrate in, and before I knew it the floor was packed with bodies dressed in little more than strips of leather and lace, and adorned with collars and leashes.

  I must have sat there for half an hour before I finally decided I might as well get a drink and hope Felix showed up for a show. The idea of him whipping some other woman’s ass caused a stab of jealousy to churn within me, but I pushed it away. I didn’t have a right to feel that way, no matter how my emotions had grown for him, he wasn’t mine—yet.

  When the waitress took my order and brought me my drink, I grew the courage to inquire about Felix. When I asked about what time his show would start, disappointment filled me when she shook her head and told me Master Felix was not doing any more shows until further notice. Before I could bite my tongue, I asked her where I could find him. She had eyed me over for a good thirty seconds before tilting her head to the left, telling me his office was in the back, but that security wouldn’t let me through. I don’t know what she saw in me that made her give me the information, but I was thankful nonetheless.

  I quickly finished my drink and made my way toward the small hallway nearly obscured by a wall to ceiling waterfall. I felt like my heart would burst from my chest once I rounded the corner and saw two monstrously huge men standing by a row of closed doors talking to each other. As if they had heard my heart, they both stopped talking and turned to stare at me.

  When I stepped fully into the hallway, I didn’t miss how their eyes roamed over my body. The outfit I had worn was little more than the leather and lace that the other patrons wore. The red corset was cinched tight around my torso, giving me an hourglass figure and accentuating my breasts. The black leather skirt barley covered my pussy, which was only covered by a small strip of lace. The slightest breeze would have ruffled the skirt enough to where they would have gotten a prime crotch shot.

  “What’s a pretty little thing like you doing in a place like this?” The taller of the two looked at his buddy and smiled before turning back to me. I felt my brows knit together at his question.

  “Come on now, sweetheart, we have been working here long enough to see a lamb amongst the wolves. What is this, your first time, second maybe?” The other guy had a thick Scottish accent.

  “I just came looking for someone.”

  “Oh? Who would that be?”

  “A lucky bastard for sure.” The one with the Scottish accent spoke again, close to my ear.

  They both chuckled. I didn’t like their tone, deep and laced with arousal. Maybe coming here hadn’t been such a good idea. “Master Felix.” My words were a mere whisper as I watched them come forward. When they were no more than a foot from me, I inhaled deeply. They smelled like rich leather and sex. It was a smell that made me nauseous.

  “Who was that, baby?”

  “Master Felix.” I made my voice a little clearer, albeit wavering. The glanced at each other, and then their smiles broadened.

  “He’s preoccupied right now, but we can help you out. What do you need, sweetheart?”

  I couldn’t hear anything besides the sound of my pulse in my ears. I stared up at them, dizzy, confused.

  “Don’t look so frightened, we can give you whatever you need.” The one with the Scottish accent reached for my arm and I took a step back. A frown covered his face. “Don’t act all shy, now. Women don’t come here to socialize.” He reached for me again and I jerked my arm back.

  “Stop. If you aren’t going to let me talk to Felix then I have to go.” I wanted to sound strong but I could hear the fear in my voice so I knew they could. Dark masks covered their faces and they crowded closer to me.

  “Come on now, baby, let us show you a good time.” They both grabbed my arms just as I heard a door behind them open. I panted, tears starting to sting my eyes.

  “What the fuck?” That voice, so deep and commanding
washed through me and my heart momentarily stopped. The two beasts holding me let go of my arms and stepped to the side. When I saw Felix, standing in the doorway, his shirt unbuttoned to show his muscular chest, his dark hair disheveled, the unshed tears finally fell. How I had missed him, as silly as that sounded, just seeing him had my legs shaking. His attention was on the Neanderthals to the sides of me, but when his attention turned toward me I saw a flicker of surprise, and then an unknown emotion crossed his face so quickly I couldn’t tell what it was—maybe longing, adoration, or maybe he was just confused as to why I was there, hell, I knew I was.

  “Anna?”

  Tears fell down, wetting my cheeks and showing my weakness. Felix stared at my face for several seconds before it finally grew dark and he turned his attention to the two men.

  “I suggest you two leave my sight.” Felix’s voice had dropped to a deadly growl and the two men looked at each other. I actually saw fear in their eyes despite the fact they were much taller and broader than him. “Bryson, Heath, get the fuck out of here, now!” Felix’s voice rose and the two men quickly left.

  I was left standing there, the heavy music blasting around us, my gaze on Felix as he watched me.

  “Are you okay, Anna? They didn’t hurt you, did they?”

  I shook my head and stood still as he came forward. His eyes seemed to assess me, and when he saw nothing was wrong with me, he visibly relaxed. He looked into my eyes again and I was stunned when he lifted his hand and brushed my tears away.

  “What are you doing here?” He took hold of my arm and ushered me into the office he came out of. He closed the door behind us and I took a minute to look around. The room was opulent, with a marble top desk on one side, a large leather couch, and a fireplace.

  It was then, once the door was closed, that I realized the music didn’t penetrate the walls. Felix moved around me and took a seat on the edge of his desk. Folding his arms across his broad chest, he stared at me. “Why are you here, Anna?” He asked again. There was no emotion in his voice, but then again he was always so careful in keeping his control in check.

  “I...” What could I say? How could I say it?

  He ushered me to take a seat on the couch and I moved forward, my legs unsteady, which had nothing to do with the heels I wore. I didn’t miss how he watched me, his eyes going half mast, his gaze dipping down to my cleavage and then to my legs.

  “What are you wearing, Anna?”

  I glanced down at my outfit before looking up at him. My cheeks heated. Maybe the outfit had been a dumb move, but I wanted to wear something that Felix would notice. “You don’t like it?” I sat down, feeling the air tease my barely covered pussy, and my cheeks heating further. I knew he could see my cunt, and that fact alone had it growing moist with readiness.

  “It’s not that I don’t like it, but it isn’t you.” He shifted position and I wondered if he was getting aroused. I was nervous as hell, but I wasn’t not about to back down now.

  Looking around again, I wondered exactly what he did at the club that would warrant him to have such a nice office. “They treat their employees well here. Does everyone get a place like this?” I was being serious, but I could see amusement flicker in his eyes.

  “No, not everyone gets a place like this, just the owner.”

  It took me a second to realize what he said. “The owner? As in you?” The side of his mouth quirked up again and I couldn’t help but feel embarrassment over my statement.

  “Yes, as in me.” He moved off the desk and walked behind it. When he sat in the leather chair, he steepled his fingers in front of his face. “So, Anna, why are you here?” He didn’t sound pleased to see me.

  “You have some really great people that work here, by the way.” My voice was thick with sarcasm. He knew exactly who I was talking about. I could see a dark mask descend over his face once again and I swallowed.

  “Yes, well, I assure you Bryson and Heath will be severely punished.” He was quiet after his statement, maybe expecting me to say something, which I didn’t. “It is no excuse, but they aren’t used to such…” He stared right into my eyes and once again I felt like he could see into my soul. “Beautiful, delicate women around.”

  My mouth went dry at his words. “I…” What was I supposed to say? How was I supposed to respond?

  “Yes? What is it, Anna?”

  I reached deep inside of me and searched for the strength to be honest. “I came here because I can’t stop thinking about you.” I pictured his reaction a thousand different ways, but the one he was displaying now was not amongst those. He didn’t say anything, didn’t even speak in response. I was mortified and embarrassed. Rushing out of the room was a temptation, but I wasn’t going to be a coward. I had told myself I wanted to hear his response myself. Whether he professed his feelings for me or shot me down, I wanted him to say it to my face.

  The silence was killing me. “Felix?”

  “You don’t know how you feel.” He seemed so nonchalant.

  I became pissed, furious that he had the nerve to tell me how I felt. “I know how I feel. I came here with one goal in mind.” I stood, wanting to be taller than him, to feel like I had some semblance of power.

  “I trained you, broke you, Anna. That was the goal, the game. Remember?” His eyes had gone hard and he leaned forward, bracing his hands on the marble topped desk. “These feelings that you think you have for me are not logical, are not real. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  His words hurt me, cut me deep down inside but I forced myself to keep a neutral expression. I told myself that although it would hurt if he turned me down, I would be strong and not wear my heart on my sleeve. I couldn’t stop the tears, though. “That’s not true.”

  He stood, so fast that his chair slammed into the back of the wall. I winced and took a step back. “This wasn’t the deal.”

  “There was no deal, Felix.” I told myself to shut up, over and over again, that I was making things worse. “Tell me you don’t feel the same for me. Tell me that although it was only that short time with me, you don’t feel this connection. Tell me that Felix and I’ll leave.” My voice shook but it had grown louder, firmer. He was in front of me so fast that I stumbled backward and lost my balance. The couch would have broken my fall, but Felix was there, his arms around my waist, his chest pressed against mine.

  Our breath mingled together as we stared at each other. “You need to learn your place. Did you already forget who was the master and who was the good little submissive?”

  My pussy wept at his words. I was so hot for him, so ready to feel that cock buried deep in my body. “I just want to know the truth, Felix.” I could see the muscles under his jaw working, could see the hard set in his face, and wondered what he was thinking at that moment.

  He pulled me close and I rested my head on his chest. Closing my eyes, I could have wept harder, but refrained. “I can’t be who you want me to be, Anna.”

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I felt my heart breaking a little more. After a deep breath, I pulled away and stared into his stormy expression. We didn’t move, didn’t speak, hell I don’t think we even breathed. When I went to pull away he kept his arms locked around me. I loved the feel of him holding me, but I couldn’t stand the pain that it caused now that I knew how he felt.

  “I…” What could I say? Before any other words formed in my mouth he tightened his hold on me and pressed me against the wall. The air left my lungs at the same time he slanted his mouth on mine. The kiss was full of passion yet brought pain to my heart. I can’t explain it any better than that.

  “I can’t be who you want me to be.” He murmured against my lips, repeating himself. I think he said it more for his sake than mine.

  He took my wrists and held them in a tight grasp behind my back. With his other hand he worked his pants open, the sound of his zipper going down filled the room and brought anticipation to every cell in my body. He continued to kiss me roughly, his tongue pushing past
my lips and tangling with mine. His movements were animalistic and primal. When he broke the kiss, I sucked in air. His mouth was on my neck, licking, biting, sucking.

  “I shouldn’t, Anna, but I can’t help myself.”

  Oh God. I didn’t want him to stop. I felt his free hand cup my ass a second before I felt the world tilt. The hand holding my wrists tightened to the point of pain, but then he let go and I entwined my arms around his neck. With my legs now wrapped around his waist, I could feel the scorching, thick length of him press against my lace covered mound. I knew he felt it too because he growled against my ear and then reached between us to tear my panties away. When the material was gone, he shoved his cock into me so hard and fast I moved up the wall.

  The noises he made were gruff and coarse. Felix had always kept his composure around me, never making the sounds that were coming out of him now. He was losing control, and that had me becoming more aroused.

  He thrust into me in rapid succession and I felt my shoulder blades start to burn from the friction against the wall. I was vaguely aware that he hadn’t put a condom on, but the feeling of his bare flesh rubbing against mine was too pleasurable to ignore.

  Someone knocked on the door and he growled against my flesh. “Ignore it, baby. Just focus on us, on right now.”

  His balls slapping against my ass was an erotic feeling and brought me closer and closer to what I so desperately needed. “I wish things could be different, Anna.” I didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to dwell on what I wouldn’t have once I left Claudette’s. “I can’t be with you. I’m sorry.”

  I held onto him tighter and buried my face against his neck. I cried out in orgasm, feeling my pussy spasm around his cock and milking the cum out of him. Felix followed me shortly thereafter. When his body loosened and his shaft stopped twitching in me, he gently lowered me to the ground. I untangled my arms and legs from his neck and waist, my wrists aching from the pressure of him holding them behind my back. Resting my head against his chest, I steadied my breathing before meeting his eyes.