Crimes of Magic: The Yard Sale Wand

by Richard L. King

  “You draw two pairs of symbols, one pair above the other. Now this is all you need, but the fire would start instantly, so you need at least one more symbol to delay the fire.”

  Ward drew two symbols, side by side, and then drew a dashed line beneath them.

  “This broken line is a one-minute delay.”

  Then he drew two different symbols beneath the line and put the paper into the bowl.

  “I recognize two of those symbols,” I said. “One of the top symbols is ‘wood’ and one of the bottom symbols is ‘fire’.”

  “You got it, man. Now just wait.”

  Sixty seconds after Ward put the paper in the bowl, the paper burst into flame in the area from just above the top symbols to just below the bottom symbols. The flame then spread at the normal paper-burning speed toward the edges of the paper.

  “Normally, the alchemist would draw the symbols on a piece of wood, put it into a brass bowl, and then put more wood on top of it,” Ward explained.

  “I don’t guess an iron pot would work,” I said.

  “No, man, the iron would kill it.”

  “That’s a very practical spell,” Rachel said. “I’ll bet the contestants on Survivor would like to know about it.”

  “Right on, sister, but don’t spill the beans. Make ‘em work for that million bucks.”

  “I’d like to use that spell sometime,” I said.

  “No prob, man. I’ll send you four GIF files with the four symbols, but don’t print them all out on one piece of paper. You might set your printer on fire.”

  “Good advice,” I said. “I think enough time has passed, so let’s test the wand.”

  “Right on!”

  Without further ado, I picked up the wand, stood up, pointed the Snoozer at Ward, and tapped my thumb on the trigger symbol.. Before I could say “Abracadabra,” Ward’s head fell back and he was sound asleep.

  “Cool,” I said.

  “Is that what it was like when Willow zapped me?” Rachel asked.

  “No, you were standing, and you just crumpled down to the floor.”

  “I hope it doesn’t work different on a man,” Rachel said.

  “Darn! I never thought of that,” I said. “Before it was a woman zapping a woman, and now it’s a man zapping a man. Now I’m worried.”

  I put my fingers on Ward’s neck and felt a slow steady pulse. I slapped Ward sharply on his left cheek—no response.

  “You didn’t slap me like that, did you?” Rachel said accusingly.

  “No no, I slapped the back of your hand, and more gently.”

  “I better not see any videos to the contrary,” Rachel warned.

  “I forgot that the slap was going to be on the video,” I said. “Hopefully I was blocking the camera.”

  “Just the audio of that slap will be incriminating,” Rachel observed.

  We waited for Ward to wake up. I would be able to tell just how long he was out from the video. After what seemed like twelve minutes, Ward snorted and raised his head.

  “Whoa, dude! Robert, was I asleep?”

  “Sleeping like the dead, Ward. How do you feel?”

  “I’m a little groggy, but OK.”

  “Just sit there for a few minutes, and then we’ll have you stand up.”

  “Sure, man. I remember I was going to demonstrate the Fire Starter Spell. Did I show it to you?”

  “Yes you did,” I said.

  “Really? I remember mentioning it, but I don’t remember demonstrating it. I remember you setting up the video though. Let’s see it.”

  “Take a couple of minutes to rest first. Would you like some water?”

  “How about a beer?”

  “We’ll have beers in a few minutes; water for now.”

  “I’ll get him a glass,” Rachel volunteered, and she went into the kitchen.

  “That wasn’t a very restful nap,” Ward said.

  “Did you dream?”

  “I don’t think so. I was just out, like you flipped a switch.”

  Rachel handed Ward the water, and he took a long drink.

  “I feel fine now. My head’s clear.”

  “Try standing up,” I said.

  Ward stood up and walked a few steps. He did a couple of jumping jacks and touched his toes.

  “Good as new,” Ward proclaimed.

  “Great!” I said. Now let’s watch the video.

  “What about the beer?”

  “OK, I’ll get us beers,” I said as I got up to go to the kitchen.

  “Got any popcorn?”

  “The video’s only twelve minutes long; no time for popcorn,” I replied.

  I returned with three beers: Two Stellas and one MGD.

  “No PBR?” Ward asked

  “No PBR.”

  “MGD is cool,” Ward acknowledged.

  We all three sat on the couch, and I played the video.

  “Whoa, dude! Did you slap me?” Ward asked when we got to that part of the video.

  “I had to see if I could wake you up. It was part of the test.”

  “That slap sounded vicious,” Ward observed. “It’s a wonder my face doesn’t hurt.”

  “Your face doesn’t hurt?” Rachel asked, “not at all?”

  “Not a bit,” Ward replied. “I’ve been slapped before and my face hurt all night.”

  “That’s interesting,” I commented. “I wonder if that’s part of the spell.”

  “Next time, we’ll zap you and I’ll give you a good slap,” Rachel said.

  When Ward started to wake up in the video, I checked the timer.

  “You were out for exactly twelve minutes,” I said. That’s how long we estimated Rachel slept.”

  “Good experiment, dude. Now you’re packing heat.”

  “Yeah, I’m a badass alright.”

  “How’d you reset the wand?” Ward asked.

  “I held it under cold running water for twelve minutes and set it in direct sunlight for another twelve minutes.”

  “The old belt and suspenders approach. I get it. That’s what I would have done, too.”

  “Can you stay for dinner?” I asked Ward.

  “No, sorry man, but I’m in a coding zone right now. I wouldn’t have left work if this hadn’t sounded so important, and I’m glad I came. Thanks for the beer and the invite, but I’ve gotta hit the road, Jack.”

  “Thanks again,” I said as I let Ward out the door. “Let’s have lunch next week.”

  “Sure thing, man, just give me a call some morning, and we’ll grab burgers.”

  “That was weird,” Rachel said after Ward left, “hearing a fifty-year-old man talk like a surfer dude.”

  “Ward’s stuck in the seventies.”

  “Does that dinner invitation apply to me?”

  “Of course it does.” The more time I can spend with Rachel, the better. “Do you ever cook?”

  “You mean like in the oven or on the cooktop?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then, no. I can make coffee and use the microwave, though.”

  “You didn’t cook when you were married?”

  “I was only married thirteen months. The first seven months we spent in bed, and the last six months we avoided each other. So no, I don’t cook, and I’m not ashamed of it. My mother is ashamed, but I’m fine with it.”

  “Well tonight, we’re having pot roast with carrots, potatoes and onions.”

  “That sounds delicious, but I don’t smell pot roast. Don’t you have to cook that for a long time?”

  “Somebody does, but I got a pre-cooked pot roast at Costco, and don’t worry, it’s very good. This is a meal you can make yourself if you can figure out how to turn on a burner.”

  “I’ll pay close attention to how you do it,” Rachel said sarcastically.

  Chapter 5

  We had finished dinner and put the dishes in the dish washer, when Rachel’s phone rang.”

  “Hello,” Rachel said. “Oh, hi Willow. What’s up?”

 
; Rachel listened for a few seconds. “Let me put you on speaker so the Professor can hear this. Now please repeat what you just said.”

  “OK. I just got a call from a man who said he knows that I bought a toy wand at a yard sale, and the wand belongs to his daughter. He wants it back.”

  “What did you say then?”

  “I told him I was in the middle of something important, and could he call back in an hour. Then I hung up on him.”

  “That was probably the smartest thing you could have done,” Rachel said. “Don’t worry; we’ll come up with a plan.”

  “She could be in danger,” I whispered.

  “OK, we’re going to come up with a plan so that you don’t have to deal with this guy, whoever he is,” Rachel said. “I have no doubt that he’ll call you back, so we’ll have to think fast.”

  “Come up with some way we can take the heat off of Willow,” I whispered again.

  “OK,” Rachel said, “I have a plan. Are you OK with talking to this guy one more time?”

  “Sure, if you have a plan, I trust that it’ll work,” Willow responded.

  “OK, here’s the plan. When this guy calls back, tell him you hung up on him because you don’t have the wand anymore, and you didn’t know what to tell him. He’ll say something like ‘Why don’t you have the wand?’ and you tell him that you sold it.

  “Tell him that a mutual friend told me you had a wand. Tell him that I contacted you, and that I said that I had a client who is a collector, and my client wanted to buy the wand. Tell him I set up a meeting with you and my client at Pioneer Square.

  “Tell him you don’t know what the collector’s name is, but my client gave you $100 for the wand, and you were happy, because you made ten times your cost.”

  “So I tell him your name, but not the Professor’s?” Willow asked.

  “No, don’t tell him either of our names. We’ve had a couple of encounters with evil magicians, and this guy may have heard of us. We’ll make my client sound a little mysterious. Tell him that I’m a woman, but I didn’t tell you my name. You should give him my phone number.

  “Also, don’t let the guy know that you know the wand is magic. Tell him you thought it was a replica of a Harry Potter wand, but my client said it was actually older than that. You can ask him where his daughter got the wand; that should make you more believable.”

  “OK, I can do that. I tell the guy about you and some mysterious client; we met at Pioneer Square; I got $100; and I thought it was a Harry Potter wand. I give him your phone number and say that’s all the help I can give.”

  “That about covers it,” Rachel said.

  “OK, I’ll wait for the guy to call again. You know I was in the drama club at Astoria High School.”

  “That’s great. Your acting skills will come in handy. Call me after you talk to the guy.”

  “OK. Bye Rachel, bye Professor.”

  “That was a pretty cool plan you came up with on the spot,” I said after Rachel disconnected.

  “I think it’ll work, and it’ll ‘take the heat off Willow,’ as you said.”

  “So now, the heat will be on us,” I said.

  “Right. I expect that Willow’s caller, let’s call him ‘Moshi,’ will come up with some plan to find out who my collector is and will plot to get the wand from him, that is, from you.”

  “Moshi?”

  “When Japanese answer the phone, they say ‘Moshi moshi’ for ‘Hello.’”

  “What does Japan have to do with this?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. It just popped into my brain. I can’t explain it.”

  “OK then, what do you think Moshi will do?”

  “He’ll have to call me. All he has is a phone number.”

  “What’ll we do then?” I asked.

  “We’ll set up a meeting with him at my office. That way, we’ll know when he’s going to show up.”

  “What if Moshi’s just calling to get your address, and then he breaks in and searches your office for information about me?”

  “He would probably break in to try to find a client list. He won’t find one, because I keep all that info encrypted in the cloud.”

  “Aren’t you high-tech!” I said.

  “You may be the software engineer, but I know how to use technology. It’s part of my job.”

  “What’s in the file cabinet at your office?” I asked.

  “Nothing but junk, now. Starting a couple of years ago, I scanned all the documents and uploaded them to the cloud. Then I shredded everything. I’ve gotta protect my clients’ privacy, you know.”

  “I’m proud of you,” I replied. “What will Moshi do after he ransacks your office?”

  “I don’t know. It would be best if we were there when he breaks in.”

  “Uh oh, that sounds a lot like The Witch’s Artifact case. We don’t want to go through that again.”

  “You’re right about that. I just won’t give him the address until shortly before the meeting.”

  “What’ll we do at the meeting?”

  “We have to figure out what we want to accomplish. The main thing is to acknowledge that you have the wand, so Willow is out of danger.”

  “Right,” I said. “That’s Goal Number One.”

  “The next goal is to make sure he doesn’t bother us anymore.”

  “Right, Goal Two.”

  “And last, but not least, we want to keep the wand.”

  “Right,” I agreed. “Goal Three: We keep the wand. Goal One isn’t hard. I can be at the meeting and admit that I have the wand. I could even show it to him. What would Moshi do if I showed it to him?”

  “He would try to get it by buying it or stealing it. He definitely wants to have it.”

  “We can’t sell it to him because of Goal Three,” I said.

  “Right, but he has to leave with some kind of resolution, or we’ll never see the end of him.”

  “What if we let him have a fake wand?” I asked.

  “Don’t you think he would know if it’s a fake?”

  “It depends on whether he’s ever seen it or not,” I said. “If he only has a general description, he might buy a fake.”

  “Wouldn’t he test it for magic first, like you did for Willow with the Coriolis?” Rachel asked.

  “Yes, I’m sure he would. But you know, the Coriolis doesn’t know what kind of magic it’s detecting. If the fake wand had some kind of magic around it, it might fool Moshi.”

  “So all we need is a fake magic wand with real magic,” Rachel said wryly.

  “That might be easier than you think,” I said. “Let’s give Ward a call.”

  I put my phone on speaker and called Ward.

  “Dude,” Ward said when he answered, “Calling for lunch already?”

  “No, Ward, Rachel and I have a problem, and I think you may be able to help.”

  “Sure, man, I’ll do whatever I can.”

  “Does your Fire Starter Spell affect the Coriolis Disruption Detector?”

  “Sure man, it’s weak magic though, until the fire actually starts. If you put the Detector into device detection mode, it swings along the magic field lines, but not very fast until the fire starts. Then it goes bat-shit.”

  “That’s OK,” I said. “Another question, could you make a wand that does the Fire Starting exploit?”

  “Yeah, man, that would work with a wooden wand, but eventually it would catch on fire, depending on how much delay you programmed in.”

  “Can you program a delay for more that sixty seconds?”

  “Sure, man. You can stack delay symbols underneath each other between the symbol pairs. A dashed line is a one-minute delay; a solid line is twelve minutes; a broken wavy line is one hour; a solid wavy line is twelve hours; broken railroad tracks are one day; and regular railroad tracks are twelve days. You can keep adding delays up to get all the time you need.”

  “That’s great. Last question, can you make a replica of my wand, and put the exploit int
o it?”

  “I can copy your wand, ‘cause I have a small CNC lathe, but those glyphs on your wand might screw up the exploit. I wouldn’t put the magic into a wand with magic symbols already on it.”

  “Could you replace the symbols on the wand’s handle with the fire starter symbols, and leave the long sigil on the wand’s shaft?”

  “That might work. We’d have to experiment on a piece of paper to find out.”

  “OK, we can try that experiment. Here’s the thing, Ward, we need the copy right away.”

  “Dude, talk about rapid prototyping; you got a gnarly time constraint there.”

  “If anybody can do it, you can, Ward.”

  “Right on, bro. We gotta do it here at my house though. This is where I got the lathe and the 3D scanner. You can come on over if you want to.”

  “Thanks, Ward. We’re on our way,” I said as I hung up.

  “That was a good idea,” Rachel said. “We’ll have a self-destructing fake wand.”

  “Plus, you get to see Ward’s lair,” I said.

  “What’s it like?” Rachel asked.

  “It’s just exactly like you would think a mansion would look, if it were built by a geeky, genius, multi-millionaire bachelor who designs fantasy games,” I answered.

  “Got it,” Rachel said.

  Ward’s house is in Portland, but it’s in a wooded area that you would never accidentally drive by. When you’re in his house, you think that you’re alone in the woods. There’s even a small stream that runs behind the house. You can see and hear the water from the back decks.

  Ward made a lot of money when SimBiotic Arts went public, and although he always has a girlfriend, he’s never gotten married and doesn’t have any children. There’s really nothing for him to do with his money but spend it and give it away. His house is one big multi-roomed man cave—a nerdy man cave.

  Rachel let me drive us to Ward’s house in my BMW. When we arrived, Ward took us down to his basement where he has most of his machinery. He took the Snoozer over to a worktable and adjusted a pivoting arm on a ring stand so that a pin on the end of the arm held the wand vertically with the wand’s tip on the table.

  “Where’s the scanner?” I asked.

  “It’s a hand-held scanner—way cool. I’ll get it in a second, but first I have to put some of these reflecting dots on the wand.”