He shivered then. “I can’t forget. I’ll never forget.”
God, everything he’d seen. Everything he’d done for me. I’d never considered how the scene had affected him too. “I’m sorry.”
Jase continued to hold me, and I took a deep breath. “I tried to clean them. That’s what happened to my coat. I scrubbed the floor with it.”
Tears dripped from my eyes as I revealed my secret shame. “It’s my fault. I told Dad she was cheating on him. I didn’t mean to. It slipped out. If I’d kept my big mouth shut, he wouldn’t—”
“Oh, baby. No!” Jase interjected. “None of it was your fault. Do you hear me? Your dad would’ve found out eventually. You’re not responsible for his actions. He was a grown man. He made his choices. We can’t be held accountable for what our families do. He snapped. It wasn’t your fault.”
I shook my head. “If I hadn’t told him— ”
“He would’ve learned somehow.” Jase put his forehead against mine and sighed. “Everyone knew your mother was cheating on him.”
“I didn’t know. Not until Jackie told me.”
Jase sighed. “He would’ve found out, if not from you, then someone else. You did nothing wrong.”
“I told no one this. Not my therapist. Not the police. No one.”
Jase held me tighter. “Thank you for trusting me enough to share it with me. I only wish you would’ve done it sooner. I can’t stand knowing you’ve carried this on your own for months.”
I clung to him. In front of the place that had contained such horror, I held on to the bright beacon saving me. I wasn’t healed. Not by a long shot.
But it was a start.
Much later, we were in bed, next to each other but still clothed. Jase hadn’t tried to touch me in a sexual way. Although I wanted him, I appreciated his understanding that I needed comfort more than release.
He held up our linked hands and rubbed his thumb against mine. He turned his head toward me and smiled. The stark white of the pillowcase was a perfect contrast for his dark curls. I loved seeing him relaxed and at ease.
For the first time since he’d picked me up, thoughts of the viral video intruded. I hated people would see it, but the fear didn’t destroy me like it would’ve weeks ago. I didn’t want to ruin the sweet moment, so I pushed it to the back of my mind.
“I need to return to the beach in the morning.” He lowered our hands to rest between our hips. “I want you to come with me.”
I shook my head. “I should stay here. Focus on studying.”
He let go of my hands and lifted his fingers to stroke my cheek. “I like having you close.”
“You like the control,” I pointed out.
The levity left his expression. “I do.”
“We’ll figure something out if we’re together. I have to be independent.”
He pulled his hand away his withdrawal pained me. “I can give you space if it’s what you need.”
“No, it’s not what I want.” I sat up and pivoted to face him. “I don’t need space. I need you. But I need to make my own decisions, be my own person. You should understand more than anyone. With your family—”
“Don’t make this about my family.”
I sighed. I hadn’t meant to cause an argument. “I’m not. I’m just saying you experienced being controlled for so long, you should understand where I’m coming from.”
He sat up too and pulled my legs into his lap and massaged my bare feet. “I do understand. I’ve already told you I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. I only ask for control in the bedroom. Is that too much?”
“So I can never be in control? Not even once?”
“No.”
The one word answer knocked me off-track. “You’re kidding, right?”
He tugged on my ankles, somehow pulling me into his lap before I realized his intention. I wrapped my legs around his lean waist and settled into the space made between his knees. He cupped my bottom and rubbed his erection against me. Even through multiple layers of clothing, I felt him and desire raced through me.
Jase’s expression became predatory, lowering his eyebrows and flexing his jaw. He sprinkled kisses across the corners of my lip and down the curve of my throat. “You love me being in control.”
The sexy timbre sent another wave of shivers down my spine. Part of his sentence was the truth. I did love him. Control was an issue I hoped we’d overcome.
I arched my neck to give him better access to the skin he licked and threw down the gauntlet. “Have you ever tried it?”
He lifted his head and focused on me. His eyes were bright and blazing. “Giving up control?”
I nodded. He leaned away and continued to study me. A flush started in my cheeks and quickly spread.
What was I doing? When Jase was in a mood like this, he was dangerous and sexy. A deadly combination. But I held his gaze, refusing to back down from the challenge I’d issued.
“Okay.”
I stared at him as if he’d grown a second head. “Excuse me?”
His smile filled with wicked heat. “You’re in control. What happens now?”
What now, indeed.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I stood at the foot of the bed and considered my options. Jase reclined on the bed, already nude.
“Well?” he prodded with an arched eyebrow and cocky smile.
“Shut it,” I muttered and tapped my finger against my lips. He’d been agreeable thus far, stripping when I said so and getting on the bed.
“Tick tock,” Jase said with a pointed glance at the alarm clock. He’d allowed me to have control for thirty minutes and I’d already wasted five of them.
It was difficult with such an enticing view before me. His body was created for sin. How would anyone think otherwise? Trim hips. Long, firm thighs. Not to mention his beautiful, carved-from-marble chest and shoulders.
My gaze zeroed in on his cock, erect with a rapidly darkening head and a drop of pre-cum. He may argue it to his dying breath, but he enjoyed handing over the reins, even if for a short time only.
“Six minutes down.” Jase lifted his arms and crossed them beneath his head. “Not as easy as it seems, is it?”
I hadn’t undressed, and the heat became unbearable. I pulled off my sweater and tossed it aside. Jase’s gaze darkened, and a flush stained his cheeks.
An evil thought came to me. An immoral, wicked, enticing thought.
Reaching behind my back, I unsnapped the bra and pulled down the straps. The material gaped in front, almost but not quite enough to give him a view of my nipples. I reached inside and cupped my breasts. The satin of the bra hide my flesh, but the movement of my fingers let him know exactly what I was doing.
Jase sat halfway up, the muscles of his abdomen contracting in a distracting manner, before he relaxed against the mattress once more.
“Good boy.” I tossed him a smile and moved to the side of the bed. I trailed the fingers of one hand up his leg and thigh, stopping where his hip began. I tapped the small indentation formed by his pelvic muscles, and his leg jerked. He wasn’t nearly as cool as he’d like to act.
I lowered my head and kissed his thigh, nowhere near his cock, yet it bobbed in reaction.
“Spread your legs,” I whispered, and he did.
I straightened and enjoyed the sight for several moments before going to his closet and returning with a handful of ties in almost every shade of green imaginable. I selected one, the exact shade of his eyes right then, and slipped the material through the loop made with my fingers and thumb.
Jase must’ve realized my intention, and he cursed. I gave a soft chuckle and glanced at the clock. “I have nineteen minutes left, remember?”
His gaze met mine, deliberate and sensual. “You should hurry then because I promise you when time is up you’ll pay for this.”
My knees trembled with excitement from his softly spoken warning. I fumbled with the tie until I’d formed a knot around his left ank
le. “Too tight?”
He tried to lift his leg, but couldn’t move more than a few inches. “It’s good.”
I selected another tie and knotted it around his right ankle. Tying his hands would be more difficult. I grabbed his favorite tie, a green and white striped one, and considered how to accomplish it.
He touched his wrists together and held them to me. “You’d better hurry.”
I wrapped the tie around his wrists several times and did my best to secure the ends. It was a weak effort, but it should hold long enough. “Lay back.”
He stretched his bound hands over his head and watched me. I surveyed every inch of him. Beautiful and completely mine.
“Wow,” I whispered. I never would’ve imagined how sexy it would be to stand over him and see him at my complete mercy.
Was this what it was like for him? If so, I didn’t blame him for never wanting to relinquish control. I could’ve stood there and stared at him forever, but I didn’t have much time left.
I kneeled on the bed beside him and placed my hand on his thigh. I toyed with the dark hair covering his warm skin and tiptoed my fingers closer to his cock. I had to touch him. Taste him.
I scrubbed my thumb over the tip, collected the tiny drop of pre-cum and lifted it to my lips. I sucked my thumb into my mouth and savored the essence of him.
“Goddamn,” Jase breathed out, but he remained immobile.
I removed my thumb, licking it once for good measure, and finally finished removing my bra. I leaned over him, dragging my nipples over his chest. A groan escaped his lips as I repeated the motion once more.
I licked my lips and positioned my head near his crotch. The bed frame squeaked as he jerked his bound ankles. The knots held, but the heat flaring in his gaze spurred me to action. I slipped his cock into my mouth and licked the head. I moved my tongue in a circular motion all the way to the bottom of his shaft and did it once more in reverse.
Jase groaned and moved his hips, shoving his cock deeper in the cavern of my mouth. I put my hands on both sides of his waist and pushed down. I wasn’t strong enough to hold him, but he must’ve realized what I wanted because he stilled almost immediately.
I lost myself then. I worked my mouth, tongue, and teeth over him for several minutes, oblivious to anything but the taste of him. I loved being able to give him pleasure, for I had no doubts I pleased him. His legs remained tense beneath me and the grunts and groans he made were all the encouragement I needed. He’d given me control. I was determined to give him delight.
“Ten minutes left.” Jase’s voice was raspy as he called out the time.
I lifted my head and studied the effects of my actions. The head of his cock was purplish red and larger than I remembered. He filled my mouth, and then some, if I tried to deep throat him. I fisted him, giving my mouth a chance to rest. The corners of my lips stretched, and I swore my teeth were imprinted on the inside of my lips.
I slid my gaze up and watched Jase. He’d closed his eyes and his breath huffed past his lips in short, staccato beats.
Why was he fighting me? I wasn’t ignorant. He liked what I did to him, so why did he refuse to come? Was it stubbornness or pride that led him to resist?
I lowered my head and tongued his cock. I cupped his balls and gently massaged. Jase cursed and stiffened, but he didn’t come.
I did it over and over again, taking him deep into my mouth and timing the motion of my hand with my mouth.
I disengaged his cock from my mouth and glared at him. “Why won’t you come for me?”
His face was strained, tension evident in the sharp angles of his jaw. “When I come, it will be deep inside you, so deep you’ll feel me the day after tomorrow. I promise you.”
Moisture flooded my nether regions. Holy shit. I was supposed to be in control, yet he turned me on with a few words.
“Five minutes.” Another grin slid across his face. “Do your worst.”
Damn him. He knew he had me beat. He’d known it before I ever started. I slipped a leg over his hip and straddled him. His cock rested against the curve of my buttock. I could’ve easily taken him inside, but I wasn’t ready to admit defeat. I rocked my hips and settled into a more comfortable position.
A little more than three minutes left. I sat still and watched him. He returned my gaze, never once breaking eye contact, as the time ticked away.
“You’re giving up?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No. We’re both going to win.”
When the alarm buzzed, Jase erupted into a flurry of motion. He broke free of the green and white striped tie with enviable ease. One slip of his wrist, a quick tug, and his hands were released. He slammed his hand on the clock to shut off the buzzer before spanking my ass with his palm and impaling me on his hard cock.
I was shocked by how fast everything happened. In the span of one heartbeat, it was over. He’d reclaimed control, and I was at his mercy once more.
I fought the release, holding back from the edge of oblivion beckoning with its promise of overwhelming bliss. Jase’s hand gripped my hips and he bore down hard, so deep I’d sense him later, just like he’d threatened.
He pounded into me over and over again. I may have been on top, but it didn’t matter. I was a bottom for all intents and purposes.
And it felt good. So very good.
Jase seemed determined to leave his mark on me. From the tight grip of his fingers to the depths he reached inside me, he’d leave a physical imprint. Pain and pleasure, the sweet joy of bringing him to this point, ripped through me. Cutting hadn’t come close to this sort of release.
This is what I’d always needed. Someone to share my deepest desires with and have them returned to me, cleansed and beautiful, but still dark and exactly what I needed.
Satisfaction.
Beauty.
Love.
“I love you!”
I screamed the words as the orgasm tore down the barriers I’d always kept between me and others. My protective bubble burst and I allowed him inside.
“I love you.” I said the words I’d never spoken to another living soul, not even the puppy I’d tried to rescue as a child, or to my parents.
I’d live with regret for the rest of my life, but I’d never repent speaking the words to Jase.
“I love you.” I said the phrase a third time, hoping he recognized it as truth.
The tenor of our sex changed. He slowed and cupped my face. He didn’t speak. He didn’t have to. The timing was bad, but I’d never regret telling him.
Please let him love me like he’d claimed.
Although the situation gave way to lovemaking instead of the previous, frantic pace, Jase remained in control, guiding me with a deft hand and leaving me breathless with every stroke. I wanted to hold out, to show him I could resist too, but I surrendered and came. A maelstrom of sensations took over my body, tingles in my limbs, heat in my pelvis, and lightness in my head.
Jase came hard, grinding his hips into mine and spurting semen within me. Deep, like he’d promised, but I doubted he realized exactly how deep. He burrowed into my heart and set up residence, filling me with happiness I didn’t deserve, but craved nonetheless.
When it was over, I laid beside him and cuddled beneath the blankets. He turned on his side and remained quiet even though he draped an arm over my waist and tucked me close.
I pillowed my hands beneath my cheek. “Say something.”
“You don’t know how long I’ve dreamed of you, do you?”
I blinked. Not exactly the response I’d expected. “No?”
He smiled. “I didn’t think so.” He smoothed a hand up and down my back. “I’m pretty good at hiding my feelings. Not like you.” He tweaked my nose. “Your every thought shows on your face. I used to read you like a book, but you’ve blinded me recently. I can’t figure you out. Not like I used to.”
“And is it a bad thing?” I sure hoped to hell not, but perhaps it didn’t matter. I wanted to be nothing
but honest with him from now on.
“No.” Jase rested his hand and leaned down to rub his nose on mine. An Eskimo kiss. Once the only kiss he would give me when I wanted so desperately for more. “I like the new you. You’re mysterious, and I like mystery. I want to figure you out, Cara. I want to be constantly surprised by you. But most of all, I want to love you.”
I held my breath and crossed my fingers, beneath my cheek where he wouldn’t see the childish gesture. I put all my faith into the next words from his lips. “And?”
He kept his face next to mine. “I do. I love you too, and it frightens the hell out of me. Neither one of us knows what the fuck we’re doing, but I’m in if you are. All in. I don’t want anyone else. Only you. I guess what I’m trying to say, not very eloquently, is I love you, too.”
I felt like crying. Or jumping for joy. I choked back my tears and hugged him. “I disagree. If I’d scripted it myself, it couldn’t have been more perfect.”
His hand shook as he touched my cheek. “I’ve never trusted anyone. You roused my protective instincts from the first moment I saw you, the tiny third grader with the big, sad eyes. I wanted to know you then, even before you became friends with my sister. I knew then you’d destroy me. I’d do anything for you, Cara. It won’t be easy. My family…they won’t understand, but I don’t want to lose you.”
I’d taken the first steps myself. With Jase’s help, I hadn’t experienced the urge to cut in days, but I needed more than he could give. I’d always be haunted by my parents’ death, always be filled with guilt when I visited their graves. I needed to be whole, wanted to be worthy of Jase and capable of being healed.
I drew in a deep breath and nodded. “I want to talk to someone. Not only you, but someone who can help me. A therapist.”
I shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask for help, but psychiatry had once held sinister connotations for me, as if it made me unworthy of being a member of society. Did Jase hold the same opinion?
“Yes. I’ll go with you if you need me too. We can do this. Together, we can do anything.” He held me tighter.
Coming Soon Page 19