Because of You

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  “No O’Leary’s?”

  “No. I’m off,” I told him and he smiled, brushing his fingertips over my cheek and I could feel myself wishing he would kiss me. My head was still spinning from our kiss in the park.

  “I’ll call you then.” His voice was quiet and I felt my heart beat faster as he leaned in closer. I closed my eyes, waiting to feel his lips on mine again.

  “What the hell is this?”

  The voice jarred me back into reality. It cut like a knife through the peace I’d found in Gabe’s arms and I jumped back to see Tyler marching towards us.

  “So, this is why you’ve been ignoring me?” His eyes were angry and they were focused on Gabe, his jaw clenched and his fingers curled into a fist so tightly I could see the muscles flexing in his strong arms. Before I realized what was happening, he’d grabbed my arm, jerking me towards him. “Screwing around already, Samantha?”

  “Back away!” Gabe shouted, stepping in front of me and breaking the hold Tyler had on me. His voice sounded different now. It was strong and authoritarian. I knew the Gabe I was coming to know was gone at this moment. This was Gabe, the cop.

  “Who the hell do you think you are telling me what to do?”

  “Boston P.D.” Gabe reached into his pocket and when he flashed his badge to Tyler, I could see the confusion on his face. “Now back the hell up and don’t come near her again.”

  Tyler did as he was told, but his eyes locked on mine. He looked furious and even though Gabe was right there, I was still terrified.

  “I’m simply trying to talk to her,” Tyler said.

  “Sure as hell didn’t look like that,” Gabe responded, his voice still strong as I stepped out from behind his back.

  “Would you tell this guy we just need to talk?” he said and I could tell he was trying to keep his voice calm, but I could see the vein throbbing in his neck. “Dammit, Sam. Tell him!”

  “There’s nothing you need to be talking about right now,” Gabe answered for me.

  “She can speak for herself.” Tyler’s eyes moved back to mine. “Tell him, Sam.”

  I couldn’t find my words. The control he had over me was too strong. It had taken me too long to realize just how afraid I was of him, but then I felt Gabe’s hand brush mine and the warmth of his skin brought me the strength to finally speak.

  “I don’t want to talk to you, Tyler,” I began quietly.

  The vein throbbed again in his neck and his fists tightened. His eyes pierced mine and I was afraid again. I felt Gabe’s fingers curl around mine, pulling me close. Tyler stared between us, not saying anything, but no words were needed to know what he was thinking.

  “You heard her. Now, I suggest you go before I call this in,” Gabe said and Tyler’s eyes moved to Gabe’s for a few tense seconds before he moved his stare to me, holding it there long enough to shoot the fear into me. I could feel the tears burning my eyes as he turned and walked away. I knew this wasn’t the last time I’d see Tyler, but I was glad he was gone.

  I let out a deep breath, feeling like I could finally breathe again.

  Gabe turned quickly to me, running a hand over my hair and looking into my eyes. I’d never seen him afraid, but he looked it now.

  “Are you okay?” he asked and I nodded, still shaken and unable to speak from what had just happened. He knew I wasn’t okay though and a moment later, he’d taken me in his arms, holding me close until I could feel my nerves start to relax. “Let’s get you inside.”

  I didn’t protest and after I unlocked the door, we walked in. I led him to my apartment, but when I got there, my hands were unsteady, shaken from the run-in with Tyler and I couldn’t get the keys in the door.

  “Let me help,” he said softly, gently taking them from me and opening the door.

  The apartment was quiet when we walked inside. Rachel was working at the hospital and I was grateful she was gone. I didn’t want her to see me this way. She’d lose her mind if she knew Tyler had come around again.

  “Let me get your coat,” Gabe said after he’d shut and locked the door. I didn’t try and stop him and a few moments later, both of our coats were off and we were sitting on the couch. “Can I get you anything?”

  I shook my head and ran an anxious hand through my hair.

  “I’m fine, Gabe. Thank you though.”

  “Forgive me, but you’re not fine.”

  I turned to look at him for a moment. His look was heavy and his eyes were filled with concern. I couldn’t look back at him though and so I looked down at my hands. I couldn’t have him sitting here beside me, not after what he’d just witnessed. Gabe had his suspicions I was messed up, but he’d just had a front row seat to what I’d been keeping from him.

  Instead of addressing his last comment, I stood up and walked to the kitchen without saying anything. I reached into the fridge for a bottle of water, opening it and taking a long drink. When I turned around, he was standing behind the counter that separated the living room and the kitchen.

  “Has he been doing this to you? Coming around like that since you broke up? Putting his hands on you?”

  I shook my head initially, but he knew I was lying.

  “Only a few times,” I said, taking another drink and trying not to show Gabe how truly afraid I was.

  “One time is too many,” Gabe said

  “It’s fine. He’ll get over it and move on. He’s just…he’s just…” I stammered, not knowing what I was trying to say.

  “No,” he interrupted. “Don’t make excuses for him.”

  “I’m not!” I said, my voice suddenly defensive.

  “Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me he was doing this?”

  “Because it’s not important! He’s upset. He’s angry with me for breaking up with him, but he’ll stop.”

  “And if he doesn’t?” Gabe shot back and our eyes locked. I could see his frustration. I knew he was trying to understand me, but I knew he never would since I didn’t even understand myself.

  “It’s none of your concern,” I said softly and I watched as his eyes closed and he breathed in deeply before opening them again.

  “Of course, it’s my concern because you are my concern. You became my concern the second I walked in and found you lying at the bottom of those stairs.”

  I felt my throat tightening. I didn’t understand this man in front of me. A man I’d only known a short time, but in that short time he’d shown me more concern and compassion than anyone in my life aside from my sister.

  “You don’t even know me, Gabe,” I said, trying to sound strong through the knot in my throat.

  “I do know you. I see women like you almost every day.” His voice dropped and he looked away for a moment, his jaw clenching. He looked as if he was a million miles away for a few seconds before he finally looked at me again.

  “Women like me? What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. I could hear the hurt in my voice and Gabe didn’t answer right away. He moved slowly across the room, closing the distance I’d put between us and then he reached for my hand, taking it hesitantly in his.

  “Women who don’t see their worth. Who don’t realize how priceless they really are,” he said softly, his words coming out slowly, but with strength. He paused for a moment and he swallowed hard before continuing. “Women who have been hurt by men that are supposed to love them.”

  Our eyes locked and I couldn’t speak. I could feel the tears burning the backs of my eyes. Any second they would fall and Gabe would see the wall I’d tried putting up around myself start to crumble. He couldn’t be here when it did.

  “You need to go,” I managed to get out, forcing the tears not to fall.

  “I’m not leaving you here alone,” he said.

  “Please go, Gabe,” I told him, my voice staying calm as I pulled my hand away from his.

  “I can’t leave you here by yourself. Not after what I saw outside. That guy isn’t stable.”

  “I’m a big girl. I can
take care of myself. I always have,” I said, the words sounding bitter as they left my mouth.

  “Sam, please,” he said softly, but I brushed past him, walking to the living room and opening the front door.

  “Go, Gabe. Please. I don’t need you to save me, so stop trying.” I’d been trying so hard to keep the tears at bay, but as the words left my mouth, I felt one fall down my cheek. I quickly batted it away and Gabe remained cemented in place.

  “Please talk to me, Sam,” he continued and I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Go!” I shouted, startling myself at the harshness of my voice.

  Gabe was still for a few seconds. I knew he was waiting for me to change my mind, but after a few seconds, he knew I wouldn’t. I couldn’t have him here. He was too good. He didn’t know what a mess I was…what a mess I’d always been. He didn’t know my past. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into and he wouldn’t find out because he was leaving and I wasn’t going to see him again.

  He finally moved, walking quickly to the couch for his coat and then to the door where I was waiting. Our eyes met when he stopped at the door. He was still waiting for me to say something, but when I remained silent, he finally stepped outside. I slammed the door behind him, the sound of it closing echoing throughout the empty apartment. I quickly locked it and then turned so I was leaning against the back of the door as I felt the strength that had been holding me together finally give. I felt myself sliding slowly to the floor until my knees were pulled to my chest and I started sobbing into the darkness. I was alone and I was terrified, but this was the way it had to be.

  Fifteen

  I’m not sure how long I sat on the floor crying. I had never allowed myself to cry for me and the place in which I found myself. I’d never cried for what Tyler had done to me and so I sat on the floor, my back against the door, crying until there was nothing left. I’d finally pulled myself together as best I could and went to my room, throwing on my pajamas and crawling under the covers. I’d stared up at the ceiling at nothing, praying my mind would simply shut down, that somehow the feeling of Tyler’s fingers curling around my skin would go away. That I would no longer remember every time he hit me. That I could forget when he’d raped me. Even though I’d thought I’d shed all the tears I could, the memory of that night at the frat house when I’d told him no and he didn’t stop, caused the tears to pour out of me again. I’d said no and yet he continued, holding me down as I cried, as I begged him to stop, thinking this time he might actually kill me. The memory was too much and I turned on my side, hiding under the covers wondering how I’d become this person and praying it would all go away until it finally did and I fell asleep.

  When I woke up, I looked at my cell phone. It was just after six. Rachel would be home. She’d be asleep though, which meant I had a few hours to get myself together and pretend like everything was fine.

  I crawled out of the warmth of my blankets and went straight to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and mascara stained since I hadn’t washed my face before falling asleep. There were purple bags under them too. I looked like crap and I turned on the faucet, quickly washing my face with warm water, hoping that would help. When I looked in the mirror though, I knew it hadn’t and so I just dried my face and made my way to the kitchen. Perhaps coffee would help.

  I walked quietly so as not to wake Rachel, but when I stepped into the kitchen, I stopped in my tracks the moment I saw my sister sitting at the counter, her hands wrapped around a coffee cup, still in her scrubs.

  “Rachel,” I said, the confusion apparent in my voice and she looked up so our eyes met. “I thought you’d be asleep.”

  “I couldn’t sleep.”

  “Why not? Is everything okay?” I asked, taking a seat next to her.

  “I don’t know, Sam. You tell me,” she said, her eyes resting on mine.

  “I’m fine, Rache,” I said, wondering if I sounded as unconvincing to her as I did to myself.

  “You’re not fine. I know Tyler came by again last night,” she said and I felt myself freeze. There was no way she could know. I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want her to worry about me. She’d spent too much of her life worrying about me. “Gabe told me.”

  “Gabe?” I whispered and I saw her eyes filling with tears.

  “He was sitting outside our door when I got home an hour ago.”

  “What?” I gasped.

  “I came up the stairs and there he was. Looked tired as hell, but he’d been there all night.”

  “All night?” I whispered as my lip started to tremble.

  “He told me he was afraid to leave you alone after Tyler showed up. He was worried Tyler might try something and he didn’t want you here alone after you told him to leave.”

  “Oh my gosh,” I whispered, covering my mouth with my hand. “I…I can’t believe he did that.”

  “Neither can I. He seems pretty incredible actually,” she said, dabbing at her eyes while I tried to fight the tears in my own. “No one’s ever done anything like that for us before, Sam. Never.”

  “I know,” I said softly, blinking and the tears I’d been struggling with fell silently down my cheeks.

  “You’ve got to do something about Tyler. You have to,” she sighed, wiping at her eyes again. “Do you remember anything about the night you fell? Anything at all?”

  “No, but Tyler’s got nothing to do with that night,” I said, but I could feel the doubts; the cloudy memories and gut feelings that were so mysterious to me.

  “He’s got everything to do with it and nothing’s going to convince me otherwise.”

  “Please don’t do this, Rachel. Please,” I said, reaching for a napkin and wiping my face. “He wasn’t even in the country. He couldn’t have done it.”

  “Tyler Reeves is capable of anything,” she said fiercely and a pit formed in my stomach because I knew she was right. “He’s harassing you now. You’ve got to report it. Gabe mentioned possibly getting a restraining order. That way he can’t come near you.”

  “I…I can’t, Rache. I can’t. That’ll just upset him more and his father won’t let it happen. You know that.”

  “I don’t care who his father is. You’ve got to do something.”

  “He’ll stop. He’s just angry.”

  “Men like him don’t stop. Not until they have what they want. And he wants you, Sam.”

  Her words sent a shiver up my spine. I knew she was right. Tyler was violent and jealous. He always wanted what he couldn’t have and I’d told him he couldn’t have me.

  “Tell me you’ll at least think about it,” Rachel said, reaching over and taking my hand with hers. “I love you, Sam, and if anything ever happened to you…”

  “Nothing’s happening to me.”

  “You don’t know that. Please talk to Gabe. He’ll guide you on what you have to do. He’s a cop for God’s sakes,” she said and I felt myself stiffen. I could tell Rachel had noticed by the way she was looking at me. “What is it?”

  “I…I don’t think I’ll be seeing Gabe anymore,” I answered softly.

  “What are you talking about? Why not?” she exclaimed quietly.

  “You know why.”

  “No. I don’t know why. I think he’s a great guy. Since you’ve been seeing him, I’m seeing you happy again for the first time in a long time. Especially since Tyler came into your life. So, why aren’t you going to see Gabe anymore?” she pressed.

  “I’m too messed up. My life is too messed up. You don’t know him like I do. You haven’t heard him talk about his family. His perfect family. His perfect life. I’m none of that and he doesn’t need me in that life.”

  “Apparently, he doesn’t agree because a guy who doesn’t want you in his life sure as hell wouldn’t sit outside your door for hours just to make sure you were safe.” Her sarcasm was thick and she looked right into my eyes. “Just talk to him, Sam. Give him a chance. Trust him. I think he’s earned it.” I felt
the tears in my eyes again, but I nodded and she leaned in and hugged me. “I love you,” she whispered into my ear as she held me.

  “Love you too,” I whispered back before we pulled away. “You need to get some sleep, Rachel.”

  “I know,” she agreed. “I’m going to go try now.”

  She patted me gently on the cheek the way I imagined a mother would to comfort her child. She wasn’t my mother though. She was my sister, but she was really the only mother I’d ever known and I saw the hurt in her eyes. The hurt from knowing I was hurt and I didn’t want Rachel to hurt.

  She finally turned and walked quietly down the hall and my attention drifted to the door. How long had I sat there crying while he sat on the other side, making sure I was safe? Had he heard me cry? Had he felt my pain? If he had, it hadn’t scared him away. It’d done the opposite. He’d stayed there all night and for no other reason than for me. He was a good man, something I’d never seen in my life, but I’d sent him away. He wanted to help me and I’d pushed him away. He didn’t deserve that and I didn’t deserve him.

  Sixteen

  I couldn’t stop thinking of Gabe as I went about my shift at O’Leary’s. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d done for me or the look on his face when he’d left. It wasn’t right what I’d done, not without an explanation. I thought about him sitting outside the apartment all night to make sure I was safe and I knew he deserved to know why I’d done what I’d done. At least that way, he might understand and he could move on.

  By the end of my shift, I knew I had to speak to him and once I’d clocked out, I found myself on the T. Not heading home though, but towards the precinct he worked at. I knew his shift was ending soon. He’d told me last night. I knew he’d be there too. He wouldn’t be out on patrol. He was working on reports so I had no excuse not to go to him and apologize for how I’d treated him.

  I leaned my head against the window, watching the city pass by me, the streets that were perpetually crowded with tourists and locals alike, all going about their daily lives while I watched them, trying to make sense of my own life. I thought about what I’d say to him if he even agreed to see me. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to talk to me, not after last night. If he did talk to me, what would I tell him? Should I tell him everything? Let him be the first person I truly let see what I’d been trying to hide from everyone, including myself? I didn’t know what I’d say to him. All I knew was that I had to say something.