Two Sides of Me

by Nora Sarel

  Dona Arlete, who came with us this time, gave us all this information while we were riding a taxi reeking of alcohol. It appears there are many such cars in Brazil, which don’t run on gasoline or diesel, but on alcohol produced from sugarcane. They smelled like a pack of drunks.

  The shelter looked a lot better than the first one we had visited. We were told it was subsidized by an institution named S.O.S CORPO, meaning, ‘Body Salvation Organization.’

  The rooms were bigger and in better condition than those in the first shelter. The beds, the nightstands and other modern equipment, showed foreign money had been invested here.

  When we came the girls were busy with different crafts. They didn’t huddle up in one spot as in the first shelter. They were spread in different rooms so that in every room there was a different activity. Every now and then one of them would move to a different room and glance at us. It seemed they knew exactly why we were there. This time we were welcomed by the manager, Dona Anna, who obviously knew who we were and of our purpose there. We spoke openly and directly about the adoption, without secrets, whispers or translations. Using simple English, Dona Anna explained to us there were three babies about to be born in the next couple of days. She didn’t know if they were boys or girls. She knew we were interested in having a boy, even though Dafne already told me on our way here, that if she saw a girl she liked, she would take her. Dafne’s eyes were puffy from all the crying and she wore sunglasses the whole time and wouldn’t take them off even when we were inside. We were no longer given a chance to choose or asked which of the mothers we liked. We felt this place was more professional and experienced.

  Dona Anna repeated what Dona Arlete had already said and told us of fifteen-year-old Nessia, who gave birth five weeks ago. She told us Nessia no longer lived there and that she had moved with the baby to her grandma who promised to help her, “Nessia is beautiful and intelligent,” Dona Anna said, “and her baby is as beautiful as she is. Her real name is Hortensia, after the flower growing in southern Brazil. The flower coloring Curitiba with its blue purple-pink petals. That name suits her because she too has special eyes – brown dipped in green, blue and purple of the Hortensia flower.

  “We call her Nessia for short. Her life story is a tragic one, and I don’t believe her son can stay with her much longer. She would have to work to support the three of them; the baby, her grandma and herself. How long can the grandma take care of the baby?” Dona Anna promised she would go tomorrow to try and convince Nessia to give her son up for adoption so that he could have a better future. She also promised she would keep in touch through Dona Arlete.

  This time we believed these to be truthful promises and were more optimistic than ever.

  So Gadi isn’t Fernando, as I thought before, perhaps he was Nessia’s son? Tamara toyed with notions about the adoption diary as if it were a fantasy novel, or a thriller, and she, the reader, tried to guess its narrative. They probably never adopted another child because of all the difficulties they went through, she concluded.

  If it weren’t for the doorbell, she would not have put the diary down. However, the incessant ringing wouldn’t stop and she hurried to the door, not before she shoved both letter and diary into a big white envelope, the kind she usually used for sending university papers.

  A big smile spread on her face when she opened the door. “Maggie, this is Eyal, we go to school together,” she told her sister, who also came when she heard the doorbell. Tamara added with a whisper, “I decided to go back to Jerusalem, I have to. Give this to Gadi if he comes,” she handed her the envelope.

  “What’s in it?” Maggie asked.

  “Something personal,” she replied, trying to keep the diary a secret, and then turned to Eyal, who seemed embarrassed, “One second, I’ll just bring my bag, it’s ready,” she ran to her room.

  “I’ll wait for you in the car downstairs,” he cried.

  “Okay,” she replied.

  “It was nice meeting you,” Eyal reached out his hand to Maggie and disappeared behind the door.

  “Tamara, you didn’t tell me what’s in the envelope,” Maggie repeated her question.

  “Gadi’s adoption diary, are you happy now? Do you have to know everything?”

  “Now I see, you spoke earlier about the diary when you mentioned Gadi’s dad. Who gave it to you? I think you shouldn’t have read it.”

  “Mind your own business and don’t go poking around,” Tamara shouted at her, slammed the door behind her and joined Eyal who waited patiently. Maggie stayed put for a while, trying to realize the events which quickly unraveled before her eyes.

  Only when she was at Mevaseret did she call Gadi. However, he didn’t answer. She left him a voice message, “I’m on my way to Jerusalem. I didn’t want to take the diary with me so I left it with Maggie, closed and sealed, with my letter. We won’t be able to meet this weekend, I need to study. Stay in touch, bye.

  CHAPTER 6

  Gadi was hidden in his room the whole weekend, laying on his bed. The world which had seemed promising earlier was suddenly dark.

  His parents were gone for the weekend, they didn’t want to be in his and Tamara’s way. They stuffed the fridge with food and even asked his grandma not to call or worry. They could not have predicted such a turn of events.

  When Tamara left Gadi’s house, he had yet to expect what was about to come. In the evening, when he heard her awkward voice message, he felt something was clouding their relationship. Later that day, only when Maggie gave him the white envelope, the expression on her face gave it away and he began having doubts. At night, when he took out the yellow paper, which was supposed to be his greeting card, he read the cold and calculated text and although he knew he could not understand. He read it again and could not comprehend. He read once again and was insulted.

  He would have never thought she doubted their relationship. She didn’t even hint at it, and worse, she took the most personal item he ever owned. It’s true she mumbled something to herself at the restaurant, what was it? She didn’t want to make a commitment, but there’s a difference between making a commitment and breaking up. Why didn’t she tell him what was on her mind? Why did she play the role of the loving concerned girlfriend? How did he not see this? Why did he take her for granted? He read the letter over and over again.

  The empty house as well as the disconnected phone, allowed Gadi to be alone with his thoughts. He only got up every few hours to drink some water, and nothing else, as if he decided to fast. His stubble was darker than ever and he seemed pale despite his complexion. The silence around him only amplified the song that kept playing in his head, “cry me a river”,

  Now there’s just no chance

  With you and me

  There’ll never be

  Don’t it make you sad about it?

  I won’t be sad about it, he decided, but he wouldn’t let the letter slip away and read it over and over.

  8.11.03

  “Gadi,

  Today is the last day of your service and I’m very happy. Recently you’ve been going through a rough patch, you’ve spent a long time in ambushes in Lebanon, intifada in the Territories and long absences from home. I’m glad that soon you’ll go on the ultimate vacation with Omri and Ido. It’s the trip you’ve dreamed of and I’m sure you’ll have the time of your life, despite our distance. The distance between us was caused not only because of the trip and the army, but I am also “to blame.” You know, I went to study in Jerusalem and took on new obligations which required me to build my own world, rather than taking part in yours. There were many times you came back home and I had to study, because I lead a different life now, a life filled with exams, seminars, researches and many other tasks. I really became “Indie,” like you call me because I’m too independent, and you, sadly, suddenly don’t have a slot in my schedule.

  I guess the distance takes its toll
. I didn’t want to bring these issues up as long as you were in the army, in those difficult conditions, that is why I waited until today. I’m sure you also notice cracks in our relationship. People say first love never dies. We’ve been together for seven years, which is a lot. We grew up together.

  I think a lot about the first seven years Jacob slaved for Rachel only to receive Leah, who was never his preferred wife. That is why you should have someone else for a while. After her I could come back as Rachel. On the one hand I don’t want our relationship to continue as it is, that is why I think, reluctantly, that we should break up. On the other, if we still feel we can’t live without one another, we’ll get back together, stronger, both our love and our bond, like Jacob and Rachel.

  I don’t want this break up to be one-sided, I hope you think about it and feel as I do. I cannot bring myself to talk to you about it face to face. I’m sure you’ll think I’m a coward, and I agree. It’s easier for me that you read, think and then talk to me about it. I want you to always remember you were the love of my life. So, you’re probably wondering what happened? Nothing special, I just feel our ways parted, at least for the foreseeable future. I don’t want you to feel obligated during you’re trip because of what happened between us. Enjoy your time away from the army, home, and me. Your life awaits. When you come back from your trip we’ll meet, talk and decide what we want to do next. I wish you all the best.

  Tamara

  “What a poetic letter. She sure can write. After she wrote this she screwed me like nothing was going on.” Gadi thought with anger.

  “What was this? Did she do me a favor? She should make up her mind and stop playing games. She’s only trying to sugarcoat the breakup, soften the blow, that’s why she wrote I was the love of her life. She’s trying to comfort me? Nonsense! To hell with her, who needs her. So what if she goes to medicine school and I don’t? I’m not impressed. She should find someone else. And perhaps she already has someone else? “His thoughts haunted him. “I can’t believe it, we were together last Wednesday and I shared with her such intimate things, and she took the diary without so much as saying a word.” Gadi tried to remember, perhaps there was a sign he missed, and the rage still bubbled up through him.

  “She was trying to send me mixed signals to keep me in the dark so she can use me whenever she wants. She wrote it explicitly. How much thought did she put into this letter, and how did I miss what was about to happen? It’s such a lie and she’s apparently a mistress of deception.” Gadi summarized the letter. His tears could not wash away the pain. It’s true that Tamara was the prettiest and smartest girl at school, but who cared? But she wasn’t the most loved. Especially not by the other girls. You could even say they hated her. “She was the epitome of arrogance and a snob, and I was her shield, the armor which protected her,” he thought. “As long as the relationship was worth her while she wanted it. But once she had built her own world, she no longer needs me. I should forget about her,” he said to himself.

  “None of my friends have a serious girlfriend, and at times, my relationship with Tamara interfered with my friendships. From now on a new chapter begins.” He decided to reconnect the phone line in his room with the outer world.

  However, he still could not bring himself to get out of bed and kept laying there for many hours. Even though he was alone at home, he locked his bedroom door.

  The phone rang and disrupted his thoughts. Gadi was surprised to hear her voice. They had a short and laconic conversation. She spoke and he replied in a cold tone which did not conceal his emotions. Yet, he did not mention the letter nor ask why she decided to go back to Jerusalem, as if they had planned her return. He knew she had lost Thursday’s classes and remembered she promised to be with him this weekend, and still, he wouldn’t ask, only replied. She, too, didn’t bring it up. Gadi knew that what bothered him the most was the way she had planned it out. The yellow paper on which she wrote the letter, which was ripped out of the pad, as if incidentally in the middle of a class, turned out to be a well-planned letter, very much on purpose.

  When his parents came back home late at night, they had found the house just as they left it two days earlier. The apartment was dark, the fridge was full, no one had opened it, and they immediately understood no one had visited there.

  “Gadi,” they both called with fear.

  “Wait, don’t go in, maybe Tamara is there,” Dafne said to Dani, who already stood at Gadi’s door, ready to barge in.

  The door lock clicked open and Gadi stood in front of them with red puffy eyes.

  “What happened?” they asked again simultaneously.

  “Mom, what did the therapist write about me?”

  “What therapist?”

  “The one from school which they sent when I was giving them a hard time.”

  “What reminded you of her now?” Dafne asked.

  “I’m on a journey into myself, don’t you know? Besides…” Gadi chocked.

  “Why haven’t you shaved today? Why are your eyes…?

  “Tamara and I are over.”

  “What does that have to do with it?”

  “It does!”

  “What do you mean you’re over?

  “It means we’re done. Is it so hard to understand?”

  “Did she leave you?” Dani asked, “Does she have someone else?”

  “That’s not the issue,” Dafne interrupted him, “if it’s over, then it’s done. No use in looking for someone to blame.”

  “Once your mother left me too and found a new love. But she quickly changed her mind and I was already—”

  Dafne elbowed Dani and said, “Everyone goes through different situations in life. You just need to know how to handle them and stand by any decision you make. I’m sure you’ll know how to handle disappointments. Yes, it takes time, but we’re here, right behind you.”

  Gadi didn’t reply and Dafne kept on, “We love you more than anything in the world, always, in any situation and unconditionally. You’re still young and you’ll definitely find the one.” Although it was hard for Dafne to express her feelings in such a way, Gadi accepted her love for him. His dad stood next to him and hugged him, as if he was trying to hold up something that was about to fall. He finally said, “Listen to me son, you’ll get over it!”

  The few words he and Tamara shared over the phone still bothered him. He turned the conversation over and over again in his head and couldn’t put his finger on anything. Their conversation did not include their regular words of love and affection, it was mostly about practical things. He obsessively picked on it, maybe he would find an answer to his questions. What am I supposed to do now that she holds all my secrets? He thought to himself, how will I break up with her without speaking about the letter? Gadi took out the yellow paper from his pocket and read it again. Maybe I got it wrong? I do tend to be offended. It always seems as if people mean to hurt just me. He went back to the letter but couldn’t find a single word to comfort him.

  On Sunday he went to see Ido as he was discharged from the army. The whole process of giving back the equipment and receiving documents was faster than they had expected. Ido was happy, laughed with members of his company who were discharged, too. They spoke about a party they would throw in a village where one of his friends lived, who served with Ido from their very first day of basic training.

  “You should come too,” he offered Gadi.

  Gadi responded with a slight shake of the head, that’s all he could do. The pain of his and Tamara’s break up seeped in.

  “It’s not fair,” he thought, “I’m with my friend on his happiest day and can’t bring myself to be happy for him. I’m so self-centered.” However, he could not support Ido as he would have wanted. His sadness was stronger than him and his intentions.

  When they stood outside the gate, Gadi told Ido, “Tamara and I are over.”

  “WH
AT?! Over what? You broke up?”

  “Everything has an end,” Gadi answered in a repressed silence.

  Ido understood it was a fact.

  In the afternoon Gadi closed his bedroom door and decisively called Tamara in Jerusalem. When she answered in a giggly tone, he fell silent for a second but quickly regained his composure, “Tamara.”

  “I understand you read it,” she interrupted him.

  “I read it, come, let’s put an end to this. We don’t need to meet and talk when I come back, we just need to end it now.”

  “I think you’re right, perhaps it’s better this way,” she agreed with him and went on to ask, “did you also take the diary from my sister?”

  Gadi didn’t reply.

  “Are you angry?”

  “Okay, bye,” he said and hung up.

  The rumor spread. It was the end of a love story.

  CHAPTER 7

  Ido and Omri stood in the middle of the terminal, surrounded by their family and friends. The airport, as any other airport, was crowded. Noise filled the air, a mixture of languages and the sounds of people dragging their luggage, pushing their carts and running, made the place even busier.

  When the automated doors opened and Gadi and his family walked through them, all eyes turned to them. Everyone waited for them impatiently. They were a full house, Dani had already announced proudly yesterday at work that he would be gone for the day “because my son is going on a big trip after his service and I’m taking him to the airport,” Dafne promised she might drop by the office later, and Grandma Zipora, who had a free schedule and no one to report to, was happy to dedicate her time to Gadi. Grandma, as always, had a handkerchief stuffed under the strap of her watch, the type you couldn’t buy anywhere nowadays. “To dry tears of excitement and joy,” she explained. She would remove the handkerchief when necessary, and after using it, put it back in its usual spot. Gadi could attest that she used the handkerchief very frequently. “You live in a movie with a lot of exciting and happy moments,” he would tell her, “maybe it’s time you used a tissue?” and Grandma would laugh, as if Gadi was joking.