The Dark Side of Disney

by Leonard Kinsey

  3. Castaway Creek lazy river at Typhoon Lagoon. Totally chill and relaxing. You lay in a tube, stare up at the sky, and just… float.

  4. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh at The Magic Kingdom. You fly around watching Pooh desperately trying to get his honey fix. With the exception of Christopher Robin, who is a total prude, every character on this ride is stoned out of their gourds. There are blacklights and bright colors, a smooth, non-bumpy track, and lots of random shit going on. When Pooh finally gets his honey you will cry because you finally understand just what this poor little fucker goes through every day.

  5. MuppetVision 3D at Disney Hollywood Studios. Henson was a stoner, and all of his creations, except maybe for Kermit and Piggy are on something. If you’ve never appreciated the Muppets, just watch this show high and be prepared to laugh your ass off the entire time.

  Honorable Mention: Listen to the Land in Epcot. It’s not a great ride, but the hydroponic setup should be inspiring for any pothead.

  WORST:

  1. Space Mountain at The Magic Kingdom. Just don’t do it. You will freak the fuck out. You can’t see shit, you’re being thrown around, there are loud noises, and people are screaming. Talk about a total buzz kill!

  2. Stitch’s Great Escape at The Magic Kingdom. This is like the anti-Soarin’. They physically restrain you and then stick you in the dark while loud noises crash all around you and a horrible fart smell blasts out and then lingers for the rest of the show. Claustrophobia and paranoia ensues. Truly awful.

  3. Dinosaur at Animal Kingdom. Fucking strobe lights, huge dinosaurs randomly jumping out at you and trying to eat your face, and a really bumpy and jerky ride makes for a bad trip. Plus, Phylicia Rashad is in there being a bitch, and you know she’s putting on that Claire Huxtable face and judging you for being stoned just like she would with Theo.

  4. Twilight Zone Tower of Terror at Disney Hollywood Studios. Look, you know the drop is going to happen at some point, so for the whole ride you’re dealing with already freaky shit happening everywhere (like ghosts and shattering glass and Rod Serling floating around) so your paranoia just keeps building and building until you’re having a full-on attack. And then when the drop does come, it’s no relief because it drops a little, and you think it’s over, and then it just goes back up again and drops again, over and over until you’re having a heart attack. You will be a jittery paranoid mess for the rest of the day and you might have flashbacks and it will ruin your vacation.

  5. It’s a Small World. This might either fill you with joy and make you treasure world peace and cry about how beautiful the innocence of children is, or it will be the most excruciating ten minutes of your life. The “kids” are wooden figures with creepily limited movement, like something out of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. And the song repeats over and over and over and drills into your head like a mantra and maybe permanently drives you insane like the lead character in “Franny and Zoey”.

  Honorable Mention: Mission: Space at Epcot. The Orange line with the G-forces has killed quite a few people. This has nothing to do with being high, it just sucks.

  ROCK N’ ROLL

  No, “High School Musical” doesn’t count. Neither does “American Idol”. “Rockin’ Rollercoaster” is sorta kinda on the borderline. What I’m talking about is real, sexy, gritty rock at Walt Disney World. Is it possible? Does it exist? Surprisingly, the answer is “Yes!”

  Rock Venues On-Site:

  First up is the most obvious choice, The House of Blues in Downtown Disney. Most nights they have moderately priced mid-level acts in the venue next to the restaurant, so if you’re not picky and don’t mind spending $20 to see a show, you’re pretty much guaranteed some decent rock music in a nice venue. They also sometimes have a guy playing acoustic guitar and singing in the bar out front of the restaurant, which simply isn’t very rock n’ roll, even if he does do watered down versions of 90s grunge hits.

  Technically you can also hear rock songs at Jellyrolls on The Boardwalk, since when you tip the players you’re allowed to request whatever song you want. Obviously you’re only going to get a piano/vocal rendition, but it’s pretty fun hearing these guys try to struggle through Black Dog or Enter Sandman on the piano. Worth a visit for the decidedly raucous crowd, even if the music is tame.

  Food and Wine “Eat to the Beat”:

  Epcot’s management brings in some lame ass acts for The Flower and Garden Festival in the spring (Jose Feliciano and Juice Newton are for old people). But in the fall for The Food and Wine Festival they pony up for some really great bands to play the “Eat to the Beat” series. Rick Springfield, 38 Special, Sister Hazel, Sugar Ray, Kool and the Gang, and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy are just some of the bigger acts that play at the lovely American Gardens Theater, across from the American Pavilion. If you line up early enough for each show you can easily get into the front row and have a much more intimate experience than you’ll ever get in a stadium or even in most club settings. Better yet, the audio engineers are top notch, making sure everything sounds perfect and isn’t destroying your eardrums. This provides a much more pleasurable concert than the typical wall of white noise you get elsewhere.

  In fact, I’ve seen one of my more memorable rock shows in recent memory at Epcot: Night Ranger at F&W in 2009. Coming into it I thought they’d be pure cheese because all I really remembered was “Sister Christian”, but these guys just tore it up and whipped the crowd into a frenzy during their last ½ hour set of the night. I know they’re in their 50s, but they had more energy, stage presence, and love for what they were doing than 99% of the new rock bands I’ve seen. Made me into an instant fan, and reminded me of why I love rock n’ roll!

  Night Ranger rocks Epcot’s Eat to the Beat!

  That said, it’s still Disney. Apparently during the 2009 “Eat to the Beat”, young pianist and singer Vanessa Carlton said “fuck” once during her first set of her first day there. She apologized after being scolded by Disney, but then came out for her third set and said “fuck” again. Bam, gone. Booted the “fuck” out of Epcot and replaced with a local band. Apparently Disney is okay with Billy Ocean singing about wanting to be someone’s “Lover Boy” and Night Ranger’s Joel Hoekstra sticking his tongue out at my wife and wiggling it in a manner simulating cunnilingus, but little innocent Vanessa Carlton can’t say fuck. Sigh.

  Nightly Epcot Acts:

  If you can’t make it for Food and Wine, there’s also great rock music to be found on a daily basis at Epcot other times of the year. “The British Revolution” puts on five sets a night at the UK Pavilion, featuring a full spread of British Invasion tunes, from Queen to Zep to The Who and The Stones. While they don’t dress up like their predecessors, “The British Invasion” (a Beatles tribute act), they’re actually pretty fucking kick ass and heavier than anything else you’re going to see at WDW. It’s a real legit rock show! And true to form on the weekends it’s virtually guaranteed that a sluttily dressed drunken groupie will be dancing lewdly in front of their bandstand, offending parents and scaring little children, until a DisCop kindly leads her out of the park.

  Off Kilter, the kilt-wearing celtic rock band (who are incredible musicians) receive similar treatment from the ladies during their daily performances next to the Canada Pavilion, and I’ve even seen panties thrown up on stage during their gigs on crazier Food and Wine nights! Granted, the panties were thrown by overweight 50-somethings, but still… ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL AT DISNEY!!!

  Chapter 3

  Assorted Tricks, Tips, Scams… and Bugs

  TRICKS

  Front of the Line With a Wheelchair:

  People who say that being disabled at WDW doesn’t give you front of line access are partially full of shit. It’s true that the newer parks and rides, built after the “Americans with Disabilities Act” (ADA) requirements ruled the World, usually have fully accessible handicapped entrances via the regular queues. On those rides, you’re waiting along with everyone else, and truth be to
ld, the wait is often longer because you have to be seated in a special handicapped seat, and there are a limited amount of those on most rides.

  However, at Magic Kingdom and EPCOT the large majority of the rides were built pre-ADA and thus the queues are too narrow or winding to fit wheelchairs. As a result, you usually get to skip the lines altogether and are ushered through a back entrance, effectively giving you front-of-line privileges. How well this works sometimes varies depending on how many other handicapped people are doing the same thing; sometimes the wheelchairs seem to be lined up further back than the real queue. But more often than not you go in through the exit of the ride, hop in one of the cars, and you’re off; no waiting at all!

  You don’t even have to be in a wheelchair to gain access to the handicapped entrances! If you go to Customer Service at any of the parks you can receive a Guest Assistance Card (aka a GAC), which you show to the ride attendants for redirection to handicapped queues. If you’re not actually in a wheelchair, though, you might not get any special treatment unless you have some invisible impairment. Obviously it’s pretty easy to fake this, and a lot of people do just that, saying their kid has autism and can’t wait in long lines, or they have MS and can’t stand for extended periods of time, etc. Disney isn’t legally allowed to request verification of this due to the ADA, so they just have to take people on their word.

  It’s more than a bit scummy to pretend to be disabled just to take advantage of FOL handicapped entrances, but if you are legitimately impaired, even temporarily, you should at least know that WDW is for the most part very wheelchair-friendly. If you do visit in a wheelchair it’s best to bring your own, because their rentals are extremely expensive ($12/day as of this writing). Alternately, the Utilidors entrance by Cinderella’s Castle always seems to have a stockpile of wheelchairs free for the taking.

  I’ve also found that near the end of the day at the parks people will abandon their wheelchairs, apparently too lazy to turn them back in, since there’s no deposit required. Although you aren’t supposed to take wheelchairs out of the parks, you can take one of these abandoned wheelchairs and then either tell the people at the gate that you rented it at your resort, or that you need it to get back to your bus/boat/monorail. If you keep doing this you can essentially get a free wheelchair rental for the duration of your stay, which equates to a free front-of-line pass for quite a few rides.

  Hot girl in stolen wheelchair FTW!

  So, without further adieu, here’s a detailed list of rides that either have great Front-of-Line access for disabled guests, or really poor access that actually makes the wait longer than the normal line. If an attraction isn’t mentioned that means that you go down the queue normally with everyone else.

  All Parks:

  If you have a handicapped tag you get to park in the handicapped lots, which are right up front with the AAA lot!

  Magic Kingdom:

  Jungle Cruise – You load in at the exit, boarding the boat before it moves to the regular queue. This equates to front-of-line access and usually zero wait time.

  Splash Mountain – Wheelchairs take a separate entrance which end at the exit ramp. Then you have to fight against oncoming traffic exiting from the ride, which is particularly risky around the blind corners. But you do get FOL access with no wait.

  Walt Disney World Railroad – Has a separate handicapped entrance for the front car of the train, which is extra-wide to accommodate wheelchairs. But since there is only this one seating area, if there are more than a few wheelchairs in line you’ll probably end up waiting longer than the normal line. Either way, there’s little advantage here.

  Thunder Mountain – Entrance through the exit queue = FOL! However, Thunder Mountain is extremely jarring and bumpy, so if you’re with someone who is in a wheelchair because of back problems I don’t recommend bringing them on the ride.

  The Haunted Mansion – We’ve been through two separate wheelchair entrances here. Both split off before the main queue, by the carriage. One time we were led by a CM part-way into the exit and then through a “Cast Members Only” door on the left that opened straight into the loading area. The other two times we were led all the way through the exit queue to the unloading area and boarded there. Both ways are FOL, no-wait, although the downside is that you skip the “stretching room”, which is a bummer.

  Snow White’s Scary Adventure – Entrance through the exit, straight onto the ride, bypassing the queue entirely. Awesome.

  Peter Pan’s Flight – Same as “Snow White”. This is a major timesaver.

  It’s a Small World – You enter through the exit queue, but only specific boats are wheelchair accessible, and even with a few people in front of you the wait times are significant. Seems like it’s about even with the normal queue.

  Space Mountain – Access is via the FastPass entrance. So this ends up being FOL, which kicks ass. Same bumpy/jerky warning as with Thunder Mountain, though.

  Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin – You do board at the unload area, but go through the queue with everyone else. You just get split off at the end. So no FOL.

  EPCOT:

  Spaceship Earth – Wheelchair access is via the exit. You sign in with a CM, then sit in a little waiting area, and eventually the CM leads you in through the exit. Depending on the crowds this might actually take longer than just going through the regular queue.

  Test Track – You go through the main queue but take a separate path after the theater that effectively bypasses the second half of the queue. Not exactly FOL, but if you have a FastPass it ends up being quite a timesaver.

  Living With the Land – There is a separate handicapped line that completely bypasses the normal line. Definitely FOL, and each boat can accommodate wheelchairs in the front row so no excessive waits like Small World.

  Disney Hollywood Studios:

  The Great Movie Ride – You go through the first section of the queue, past all of the memorabilia, with everyone else. But once you get into the big room with the trailers showing, you get to bypass the long winding portion of the line. However, only one wheelchair can fit in each vehicle, so you might end up waiting a long time if there are a lot of wheelchairs ahead of you. This one is a toss-up depending on the crowds.

  Toy Story Midway Mania – This handicapped queue completely sucks! You go through the queue with everyone else but split off after picking up your 3D glasses. You’re routed to a waiting area where you wait FOREVER because they have to re-route a ride vehicle to a side track. It seems like they only route every 200th car, which might be an exaggeration, but if there are three or for wheelchairs in front of you it can literally take an hour to get on the ride. If you can go through the regular queue on this one definitely do it!

  Animal Kingdom:

  Dinosaur – This is setup a lot like Test Track. Wheelchairs go through the main queue, around the big dinosaur fossil, and into the theater. After the theater you take an elevator down to the vehicles, completely bypassing the regular winding line. Quite a timesaver!

  Kilimanjaro Safari – This is another horrible handicapped queue. You go along the regular line up to the point where it turns and starts doing switchbacks in front of the loading dock. You’re redirected to a separate loading dock, where wheelchair-accessible busses are diverted. However, there are obviously very few of these special busses, and it can easily take 10x longer than the normal wait time if there are a bunch of other wheelchairs in front of you. Even if you’re the only one there chances are your wait time will be longer than the normal queue. Lame.

  Taking the Resort Monorail:

  At the beginning and end of the day at Magic Kingdom the lines for the monorail and ferry between the Main Gate and The Ticket and Transportation Center are absolutely insane. You can literally wait an hour to get to the park or back to your car.

  However, there is an alternate, although circuitous route to and from the Ticket and Transportation Center via the Resort Monorail. It takes a little longer since it stops
at the resorts (The Polynesian and Grand Floridian on the way to the gates, and The Contemporary on the way back to the TTC), but you rarely have to wait for more than one monorail. I’ve never had them check that I was a Monorail Resort guest, although I have heard that during the busiest seasons they sometimes check for your room key.

  The Resort Line Monorail pulling into The Contemporary

  Usually at the end of the night after the fireworks even the Resort Monorail line is insane because everyone is flocking at once to get back to their hotel. And if it is the busy season and they are checking room keys, you’re not getting on anyway. There is a way to get around both of these issues, however: take a relaxing and scenic five minute walk over to The Contemporary and board the monorail there! When you exit the gates of The Magic Kingdom simply go to the left and follow the well-marked trail of red bricks that leads past the busses (where a bunch of suckers are waiting for hours, probably), across a road, and around the resort’s parking lot. Go into the hotel, up to the fifth floor, and hop on the monorail, no questions asked (why would you be getting on the monorail at the resort unless you were a guest there?). Nobody at The Contemporary will be going to either the TTC (because for normal guests there it makes no sense) or to MK (because it’s closed), so the stop will be nearly empty.