The Color of a Silver Lining

by Julianne MacLean

  “Hey. How are you?”

  His voice took on an intimate tone that was clearly not platonic, and though I had no right, I felt a spark of jealousy. I didn’t know who this woman was, but obviously, she meant something to him.

  Discreetly, I glanced in his direction. His head was bowed low. He looked down at his feet as he paced around and rubbed the back of his neck. I wished I could hear what he was saying, but he was too far away.

  Eventually he ended the call and stood on the grass for a few minutes, watching Louise and the other kids and parents in the park. He checked his phone again, then slipped it in his pocket and returned to the bench. He sat down, heavily.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked, carefully.

  He squinted into the sunlight and bent forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Life sucks sometimes.”

  By now, my curiosity was getting the better of me. I was desperate to know more about the woman named Emma.

  “It certainly does.” I gave him a moment, then I said, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  He let out a heavy sigh and sat back. “It’s a woman I was seeing.”

  “Was seeing?”

  “Yes. But it’s over now. Which wasn’t my choice.”

  I found myself gazing off in the other direction, fighting to hide my jealousy which I had no right to feel, because I’d made my bed. I was the one who had chosen not to be with him.

  “Do you mind if I ask what happened?” I watched a few teenagers gather on the grass to throw a frisbee around.

  “She dumped me for her ex-husband.”

  I shot him a look. “She was married?”

  “Divorced,” he replied. “And she and I were engaged. We were supposed to get married on New Year’s Eve. We had the church booked and everything.”

  My head drew back in surprise. “I’m sorry to hear that. Wait a second… Is that what you were talking about when you said it was a bad week? This just happened?”

  He nodded.

  “Oh, God.”

  We sat in silence, watching the teenagers with the frisbee. Leo perked up, no doubt wanting to dash off and catch it in the air. I gave him a pat on the head and made sure I had a good grip on his leash.

  “I thought it was totally over between them,” Luke added. “When I met her, they were barely speaking, and the way she described it, they hated each other. But I guess somehow they decided to work it out.”

  “But they decided this while she was engaged to you?”

  “Yes, and that’s what stings the most, because I had no idea what was going on. Or maybe I did. I had suspicions, but I kept telling myself I was paranoid.”

  A squirrel scurried down a tree and scampered across the grass in front of us. Leo made a move to run, but I held onto him.

  “How long were you with her?” I asked.

  “Not that long. Only about a year, but I honestly thought it was the real thing. What a schmuck, right?”

  “No, Luke…”

  “Anyway, I’m having a hard time with this.” He was quiet for a moment. “When she called just now, I thought maybe…”

  “You thought she might have changed her mind?”

  He nodded.

  I waited a few seconds before I asked the question. “Did she?”

  “No. She just wanted to let me know when the movers were coming to get her stuff out of my garage.”

  I paused. “I’m sorry about that.”

  But was I? Really?

  He shrugged a shoulder. “That’s life, I guess. You never know when you’re going to get kicked in the face.”

  A little boy filled his shoe with pea gravel and poured it down the slide. His mother scolded him and led him away.

  “If she had changed her mind,” I said, turning to Luke, “would you have taken her back?”

  He squinted through the afternoon sunlight. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  I tried to imagine how that would change the dynamic here. If Luke wasn’t a single man, living alone, the courts might view this situation in a different light. They might see a more stable, complete family for Louise to be a part of, especially if Luke and Emma had children. How would I feel about that?

  Louise stood up just then, waved good-bye to her friend and ran to us. She rested her small hands on my knees. “Can we get ice cream now?”

  I pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. “That’s a great idea. Then let’s go home and sit around. Maybe turn on TV and watch a movie?”

  “Can we watch Frozen?”

  “You just watched that yesterday.”

  “I know, but I like it.”

  I chuckled and touched my forehead to hers. “No kidding. Let’s get going.”

  Luke stood up and held out his hand to Louise. She took hold and walked beside him to the car while I followed from a short distance, just wanting to watch them.

  * * *

  After we ate our ice cream cones and got back in the car, I started the engine and asked Luke if he wanted me to drop him off at his hotel, or if he’d prefer to come to our place for dinner.

  “I don’t want to impose,” he replied.

  “You won’t be. I wouldn’t invite you if I didn’t want you there. But I understand if you just want to be alone.”

  He stared out the passenger side window for a moment, then met my gaze. “No, I’d love to come for supper. Thank you for asking.”

  “It won’t be fancy.” I gave him a sidelong glance, hoping to lighten the mood a bit. “I’m just going to take something out of the freezer. I think I have some steaks in there.”

  “I saw a barbeque on your back deck, didn’t I?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, then.” He grinned at me, which caused a rush of heat in my blood. “I suppose it’s my duty to inform you—I make a perfect steak every time.”

  I chuckled. “Then you are totally hired.”

  * * *

  It was past four by the time we arrived home. Louise went straight to the television and turned on Frozen, then she collapsed onto the living room sofa with Leo.

  “Would you like a glass of wine?” I asked Luke as I rifled through the vegetable drawers in the refrigerator to see what I had.

  “I’d love one.”

  I moved to the cupboard for a bottle of cabernet, popped the cork and poured two glasses. I held mine up for a toast. “To life not sucking so much in the future.”

  He held his glass up as well. “I’ll drink to that.”

  We took the first sip.

  “This isn’t bad.” He checked out the label on the bottle.

  “Are you a wine connoisseur?”

  “No, I just like what I like.”

  “Me, too.”

  We chatted about wine for a few minutes while we decompressed from the day. Then I apologized in advance for the french fries two nights in a row, and he laughed as he went to fire up the barbeque. I set to work chopping vegetables for a salad. All the while, music from Frozen reached us from the living room.

  While we waited for the steaks to cook, Luke asked me about my work as a nurse and I talked about it for a while. After the wine kicked in, he started me down the path of sharing some of our ordeal on the Dalila. I described it all—from the moment we boarded the ship until Louise was examined by the doctor in the ER, and him wanting to send her to a psychiatrist.

  “I’m glad you headed that off at the pass,” Luke said, pouring himself a second glass of wine and topping mine up as well.

  “Me, too. I’d never want her to think she’s different in any way, even though she is.”

  “She definitely is. She’s extraordinary. Gifted artist, smart, and don’t get me started on her swimming capabilities.”

  I laughed and we clinked glasses. “No bias there.”

  When the steaks and fries were cooked, we called Louise to the kitchen and ate supper together, chatting about silly things while Louise snuck morsels of meat off her plate and dropped them to the floor for Leo to gobble up. Luke
and I pretended to turn a blind eye.

  “Can I go finish my movie now?” Louise asked after she ate everything on her plate.

  I said yes, but asked her to put her plate and cutlery in the dishwasher first. She took care of that, then off she went.

  Luke and I remained at the table. He talked about his consulting business and his frequent trips to Toronto. We also conversed about all sorts of random things. Maybe it was the wine, but I shared an embarrassing story about Leo in the park, when he squatted and pooped on the grass in front of an outdoor theatrical performance that summer, and the audience had applauded.

  Before I realized it, the sun had set and we were sitting in the dark. I heard music from the end credits on Frozen, so I got up to check on Louise. Luke followed me into the living room, and there we found her, asleep on the sofa with her arm around Leo, who was also sleeping.

  “What do you do in a situation like this?” Luke whispered in my ear.

  I leaned close to him and spoke softly. “I carry her off to bed and let her sleep in her clothes, without brushing her teeth.”

  I felt his breath, hot in my ear, as he chuckled. “I’m all over that. Do you want me to carry her?”

  “That would be great, if you don’t mind.”

  He moved forward and bent to scoop her gently into his arms. The sight of them together sent my heart into a frenzy. I never imagined I could feel such delight, watching a man cradle my daughter in his arms.

  But this wasn’t just any man. This was her father, and I felt his love for her in the depths of my soul. It matched my love for her in perfect synchronicity. It was intense. Beautiful. Impossible to describe in words. And he’d only just met her.

  I followed quietly as he carried her down the hall, through our small gallery of heavenly depictions. Maybe this was heaven on earth, I thought to myself as I followed them, because seeing Louise loved so much by her father made me feel like I was floating on a cloud.

  He set her down on the bed, placed her teddy bear in her arms, pulled a blanket up to cover her, and kissed the top of her head. She rolled over and remained asleep, and we both backed out of the room.

  I quietly closed the door and we returned to the living room without speaking a word.

  The house was dark so I turned on a lamp and pressed my knuckles to the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can drive you back to your hotel. I’ve had too much wine.”

  “It’s all right,” he replied. “I can take a cab again.” He checked his watch. “It’s 8:00 here, but only 4:00 my time.”

  “Well, gosh. Don’t go yet.”

  He laughed softly at me. “Did you just say ‘gosh’?”

  I was definitely tipsy. “I think it’s a Nova Scotia thing. Everybody I know says it.”

  He laughed again. “Really? Are you sure about that?”

  “Probably not.”

  He nodded his head, knowingly.

  “Come on out to the kitchen,” I said. “I have trail mix and I can make us some coffee.”

  “Coffee might keep me awake,” he said. “What else have you got?”

  “I have tequila, but that might be a bad idea. How about a beer?”

  “Perfect.”

  I turned to face him. “Do you want to get a couple of bottles from the basement? At the bottom of the stairs, there’s a little white fridge from my college dorm days.”

  “I have something like that in my basement, too,” he said.

  I showed him where to go, and a moment later, we were seated at the kitchen table under the glare of the hanging light, with a bowl of nuts and raisins between us, and two bottles of beer.

  The clock ticked loudly in the living room and Leo stretched out on the floor at my feet.

  Luke took a swig of beer. “You know, I always had fond memories of you. For months after that night we met, I wanted to call you, Bev, but you were on the other side of the country, and you didn’t call or text me, so I just left it. Then, after a while, I started to romanticize that night. You were this perfect woman I’d probably never see again, and I think that’s what I was looking for when I met Emma—another version of you.” He looked at me with an unnerving intensity. “But now it feels like someone pulled back the curtain and you’ve turned out to be not what I thought you were. Neither was Emma, for that matter.”

  I set down my beer. “Please don’t say that. I understand that all women must seem like the devil to you right now, but I’m not a bad person. If I was, I wouldn’t feel so guilty over what I did to you.”

  He leaned forward. “Then why did you do it, Bev? Why didn’t you call me?”

  My heart raced. “I don’t know. I think, maybe, I was afraid of wanting you in my life. Afraid of needing you. I didn’t want to be dependent on anyone—and I don’t mean financially. I didn’t want to depend on you for love or support, or for my happiness.”

  “Why not? Did you think I wasn’t dependable? That we couldn’t be happy together? Because it was a pretty great night.”

  “Yes, and I do think we could have been happy. I think that now, but I was scared back then. I was young. Getting pregnant when I was single and on my own… I somehow got it into my head that I had to stand on my own two feet, because I’d learned at an early age that the rug can get pulled out from under you just like that.” I snapped my fingers. “And your whole world can fall to pieces. And maybe part of me was afraid that if I asked you to be with me, you might say no.”

  “I wouldn’t have. I would have come here and given it a shot, at least.”

  I let out a sigh of defeat. “I didn’t know that. I thought maybe that night we spent together was all just a fantasy. Maybe in real life, we’d have nothing in common.”

  “Like we have nothing in common now?” he asked, sarcastically.

  I looked away and shook my head. “I romanticized you, too, Luke. I thought about that night, and I started to believe you were too good to be true—that it was all just a dream. Then I didn’t want to be disappointed or let down if I contacted you and you were with another woman, or if you weren’t interested in anything permanent. It was a one night stand, remember? I didn’t want my heart to get broken. I couldn’t let myself pine away for some guy I met in a bar. I needed to be a rock—for Louise.”

  He bowed his head. “I wasn’t just some guy you met in a bar. It was more than that. At least it was for me, and it wasn’t a dream. It was real, but you didn’t tell me I was a father. Now, that changes everything—the way I look back at that night. The way I think about you.”

  My stomach tied up in knots, and I wanted to cry.

  Rising from my chair, I moved to the counter and stood with my back to him for a moment. I wanted nothing more than to make this right, but it seemed impossible.

  Turning around, I spoke frankly. “Here it is in a nutshell. I made a mistake, Luke. I was young and stupid and I should have told you, and now that I’m a mother, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for what I took from you. But I didn’t have that wisdom back then. I didn’t know it would be like this. And now I’m kicking myself for wrecking what we could have been. I wish I could go back—that God would give me a do-over and I could contact you as soon as I found out I was pregnant. If I could, we might be together right now. We might be a family.”

  He stared at me, frowning. “There are no do-overs, Bev. And I don’t know what to do with this information. One minute I’m laughing with you. The next minute, I’m remembering what you did and I resent you for it. And then Emma calls me and…”

  He reached into his pocket for his phone.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m going to call a cab. I think I should leave.”

  My stomach dropped. “Why? You don’t have to go.”

  He looked up at me, darkly. “Just give me some space, okay? I can’t just forgive you. It’s not that easy.” He shook his head. “And it’s been one of those days.”

  Because Emma called.

  I held up my
hands in mock surrender and backed up a few steps. “Okay.”

  He called the cab, and stood. “Will you tell Louise I said goodnight? And she can text or call me tomorrow if she wants to. Will you let her do that?”

  “Of course. I’ll let her use my phone.”

  He turned and made his way to the front door to wait for the cab. I followed and stood beside him.

  “Luke, please, no matter what happens, I’m glad you found us. I’m glad that you called me, and I want you to know that I won’t get in the way of you being a father to Louise. Whatever it takes, we’ll work it out because I know she wants you in her life. I want to make sure that happens.”

  The cab pulled up and Luke looked down at me in the dim light from the streetlamps outside.

  “Thank you.”

  I shook my head at him and almost laughed. “No. I’m the one who should be thanking you. Thank you for giving me Louise.”

  To my surprise, he pulled me into his arms and hugged me. My heart raced as I clung to his broad shoulders, breathed in the familiar, intoxicating scent of his body. I didn’t want to let go, but he pulled away all too quickly and walked out the door.

  I stood in a daze, breathing hard, watching him get into the cab and drive off. Then I shut the door and returned to the kitchen, knowing this wasn’t over. I would try again tomorrow. If he was still angry with me, I would try again the next day, and the day after that.

  And I would not fight him where Louise was concerned. He was her father and in my heart I knew he was a good man. I wanted him to be a part of her life. I owed him that, and I owed it to Louise as well.

  No matter what it took, I would do my best to make amends.

  Chapter Twenty

  Bev

  I had to work a night shift the following evening. Normally, Louise would sleep at Claire’s house, but with Luke in town, I wanted to try something different. I called him at his hotel and asked if he wanted to stay with Louise at our place overnight. I suggested he could sleep in the guest room.

  I was thrilled when he said yes, so I invited him for supper, too.