Free Agent

by Lace, Lolah

  “Everything but the blondes and redheads.” Uncle knew my type, I had an identifiable type. I only liked dark tan girls with dark hair. That excluded a lot of women but it included Italians, Mexican’s, Puerto-Ricans, Dominicans, Cubans, and Blacks. He was one to talk. Kari and Tess were polar opposites. One was from the North Pole and the other was from Africa.

  “Once you’ve had sex with this girl without condoms, you can’t go back to condoms. She’s not going to stand for it. What happens if she gets pregnant again?”

  “After the abortion I’m done with Selena. Pregnancy is the best way to get rid of me. Besides I’m seeing someone else now, this hot, black, high school virgin.”

  “RJ, you’re an adult you can’t fuck high school girls and you can’t let them suck your cock. You will go to jail.” Uncle Mason shook his head. He was always trying to school me but I wasn’t a total idiot.

  “This black girl, Deja is eighteen. I’m no statutory rapist.”

  “She better be. I swear if you fuck an underage girl I’m not bailing you out of jail.”

  “I’m not. I swear I saw Deja’s driver’s license. She’s legal. So what’s up with the money?”

  “I will write you a check. This is the first and last abortion I’m funding.”

  “I swear I will wrap it up from now on but not with the virgin. That would just be a waste of a Magnum.” I smirked. I was cocky and I had the big cock to back it up. Can’t wait to use it on Deja.

  “RJ, use protection with these girls.”

  “Do you use protection?” Shit! Did I just say that? Wrong move. My mouth got away from my brain.

  Uncle was glaring at me. “Listen smart ass, if I make any babies I have the means to take care of them. I’m not asking for your money. You are asking for mine. So take the money and shut the fuck up. You get my advice for free you spoiled dick.”

  Chill old dude. “Yeah, yeah, I hear you. I’m going to be cool. I’m gonna wrap it up.”

  After Uncle Mason gave me his golden look of disappointment he decided to lecture me. Uncle was giving me a nice sermon on responsibility but he was still in that good mood his side piece had put him in. I could have told him that zombies were attacking and he would have still maintained a good mood. Kari was a ray of sunshine to Uncle and she was a valuable asset to me even though she didn’t know it.

  I had a strange feeling that I was being watched. It didn’t take long for me to notice a blonde dude looking over at me and Uncle’s table. It was an old dude so he couldn’t have been watching me. He had to know Uncle Mason.

  “That guy over there is looking at you. You know him?” I asked while stuffing cold fries in my mouth.

  “Who?” Mason asked as he looked over his shoulder in the wrong direction.

  “Over by the bar, near the entrance.” Mason and I were looking and that’s when I saw Kari. Shit that’s Uncle’s lady. Uncle Mason turned back to me and took a long gulp from his second beer.

  “I know that prick. That’s Kari’s boyfriend.”

  “Dude is eye fucking you so hard you should wear a condom.”

  “He doesn’t like me. I kicked his ass once, busted him up, blacked his eye.”

  “And you’re fucking his girl.” Let’s not forget about that DeNiro. Uncle looked across the table at me and I thought he was going to knock my teeth in.

  “Let’s get the check and get out of here.”

  “You paying?”

  “When have you ever paid for anything? I got it.” Uncle pulled his credit card out his wallet and started tapping it on the table. I could sense he wanted to blow this joint. His eyes were looking around for the waitress. He wanted to leave pronto. I guess he didn’t want to see Kari out on a date with her boyfriend. He was being weird. I don’t know why, he had just banged her a few hours ago. Whatever he feels for Kari, she must feel the same way about him.

  Before Tess’ surprise visit, Kari came to the office so often that she was like family.

  The black guys that worked for Uncle started calling him DeNiro. Everybody at the job knew Uncle was fucking her.

  There was an unspoken hands-off policy that all the employees were privy too. Uncle was clueless, but his little chick on the side made the other workers like and respect him more. He was such a perfectionist. He was this hard ass boss that was constantly barking orders. When they saw him fucking up or having an affair, it made them see him as a human instead of this uptight robo-boss.

  I talked to Uncle’s head guy Marcus about Mason and Kari once. Marcus told me black pussy was like weed. He said weed could make the biggest asshole turn into a cool mofo and black pussy had the same effect. I wanted to tell Marcus he was right and I had my fair share but I had fucked his daughter before she want away to Howard University and it was a secret. Marcus would fuck me up if he knew I fucked his daughter and pounded that virginity right out of her dark chocolate ass. It took me two months to convince her to not go away to college a virgin.

  Uncle waved our busty waitress over. “Check please. He wants to wrap this up.” Uncle Mason pointed to what was left of my calamari and fries.

  “Okay, I’ll be right back.” The waitress smiled. I think she was checking my uncle’s arms out. His arms were huge. I was built pretty good but I was a little scrawny pup compared to him. Uncle was a buff ass Italian with blue eyes and dark blonde hair. He never noticed any of the ladies checking him out or maybe he didn’t care. After all he is pussy whipped.

  I was too lazy for weight training. I did it a little here and there. I hoped I could look as good as him when I’m thirty-nine.

  The waitress was back soon with the check and with my stofoam container. It didn’t take long to pay and head out. We were going to have to walk pass Kari to exit the building. I wasn’t sure how this was going to go down.

  What I did know was that Uncle was feeling Kari on some of that grown up love shit. I also knew he had an actual fight with her old man. So maybe it was about to go down. Maybe it wasn’t. Uncle stood up first. I was going to follow, watch his back. We made our way toward them and Uncle was looking straight ahead. I see how he’s going to play it. I could see the guy Kari was with better now that we were closer. He was a blonde guy with a spruce beard. He looked like an old California surf dude. He didn’t look anything like Uncle Mason. The only thing they had in common was they were both Caucasian. She likes white cock, surprise surprise.

  “Mason!” The blonde dude called out to Uncle.

  Uncle Mason stopped walking and I almost bumped into him. The sound of the guy’s voice over the music brought me to a halt at the same time as Uncle. What the fuck did he want? From Uncle Mason’s side of the story they weren’t even Facebook friends. I’m sure they weren’t following each other on Twitter. Do old people even know what Twitter is?

  “Jack.” Uncle Mason said in an even tone. “How you been?” He asked the guy called Jack.

  The guy was caught off guard by my uncle’s demeanor. Uncle had taken a polite pill, a chill pill and slipped on a latex calm-dom.

  “I’ve been great. How’s Tess?” Oh snap this douche asked Uncle about his wife right here in front of Kari. Everybody was staring at Uncle, waiting for his time bomb’s clock to tick out.

  The explosion never happened. Uncle Mason was cool. He had a weird smirk on his face like he had a secret. For reals, three out of the four of us had a secret. Jack was out of the mix.

  “Tess is great. My entire family is great. I see you and Kari are still going strong.” Uncle boastfully replied.

  Although Uncle hadn’t really said much, what he said agitated Jack. Kari was staring at Uncle. She was friggin’ nervous as hell. It was friggin’ funny seeing a black woman turn white.

  Jack looked nervous and goofy. “Me and Kari are solid. I love her enough to prove it.” Now this clown was taking jabs at my Uncle.

  “Really?” Uncle Mason grinned.

  “Really, I had the balls to leave my wife for
the woman I love. Some of us are all talk and no action.” This asshole is on some Chicago Bennie the bullshit. My Uncle could knock him out with one punch.

  I started silently counting to myself. Counting off how long it would take for Uncle Mason to put the smackdown on surf and turf.

  There was no punch, no violence at all. There was just this weird old man stare-down. I don’t know what Uncle was thinking but I was thinking that he was getting more and more heated by the minute. I knew that look in his eyes. I said some vulgar words in the presence Grandma Rizza once at Thanksgiving dinner. It was when I was fourteen. Uncle Mason grabbed me by my neck, took me in the backyard and gut punched me. I flew down to my knees and it took me friggin’ ten minutes to get back on my feet.

  “Uncle Mace, it’s time we jet.” I just saved this Jack character from a little Italy smackdown. Uncle would have definitely rearranged his pretty face if he had said another word. All three of them were in some zombie trance until I spoke.

  Uncle Mason smirked. He was back to normal. He looked over at terrified Kari. “Nice to see you again Kari.” Uncle purposely turned to Jack. “And Jack it’s always a pleasure.”

  Uncle Mason strolled away like a true pimp. He didn’t even have to slap any hoes. I followed him out to his Range Rover. He was real quiet and I knew to keep my trap shut. Kari had rattled my uncle’s swag. He was still swagtastic for an old dude but she was holding on to a good thirty percent of it.

  Uncle dropped me off at home after writing me a check. He didn’t have any more speeches left in him. He just handed over the check and waited for me to get out. I kind of felt bad but I didn’t know what to say.

  The next morning I woke up elated. I had the funds to get rid of Selena, aka clingy, hashtag goofy, at rat groupie dotcom. Why are girls trying to have my baby? I’m a handsome guy but geez. I’m a pimp. I’m not boyfriend material. Nobody can lock me down. Well Deja could but she’s running in the opposite direction.

  I had two goals for today, make this termination of pregnancy appointment and cash the check Uncle Mason gave me. I wished I cared more but girls with low self-esteem were a complete turn off. I’m not Dr. Phil. Whatever daddy issues these girls have are not my business.

  Uncle Mason didn’t say anything about me having to pay him back. If I would have asked Uncle Mike he would have blabbed it to everybody in the family. His wife Melissa holds the purse strings. I can barely get five dollars out of him for a number one on the McDonald’s lunch menu. I got to the office at ten. Mike was already there. He opened up the place most times. Uncle Mike was sitting behind the desk probably working. I grabbed a chair and took a spot next to him.

  He wasn’t working. He was playing internet poker on the iPad. I joined in the fun. Ten minutes later Uncle Mason walked in. Shit I’m glad I got to work before he did. I looked up at Uncle and I could see he was in a mood.

  “I hope you guys are not playing poker on my time.” He barked. Dude obviously woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

  “No way DeNiro. We’re looking at porn.” I joked. But Uncle Mace didn’t think it was funny. He paused and just glared at me.

  “Uncle, I’m just kidding. Marcus uploaded the pictures of the house on Cottonwood. Uncle Mike just sent them to your email.” Uncle Mike had changed the iPad screen to work stuff.

  “What is taking so long? I thought you only had to put the roof up.” Uncle Mason yapped.

  “It’s happening as we speak. Marcus said it would be finished by today or tomorrow the latest.” I offered.

  Uncle nodded and took a few steps toward the back room.

  “Uncle Mason, are you okay?” I don’t know why I asked I knew he wasn’t.

  “What?’ He barked. Mike didn’t bother to join the conversation or even look at his brother.

  “You seem a little on edge.”

  “Mind your own fucking business. Get your ass over to Cottonwood.”

  “Uncle, why you gotta be such a friggin’ stronzo to me. I’m your favorite nephew.”

  “Fuck you. Do your job.” Uncle Mason dashed off to the backroom. Mike and I went back to our internet poker game.

  It wasn’t quiet for long. While we were engrossed in the game we heard shouting coming from the back room. Clearly Uncle Mason hadn’t shut the door.

  All we could make out was Uncle yelling. “Come here! Now!” … “Kari Lynn, fucking Fenderson, I swear to fucking Christ you better get your ass over here right now!”

  He’s pissed.

  “What the fuck was that all about?” Mike said out loud but wasn’t really asking me although I knew what was up.

  “Uncle and I went to Bar Louie last night and we ran into Kari and this other guy. They were all warm a cozy.”

  “Jack.” Uncle knew the dude.

  “I couldn’t believe my friggin’ eyes when we rolled up on her and her boyfriend.” Mike was listening intently. “I’m thinking we’re gonna cruise on by but her friggin’ boyfriend stops us and starts yapping. I thought Uncle was gonna clock him but he played it real cool. He was like friggin’ DeNiro. He was cold stone chilling when that motherfucker was talkin’ shit.”

  “That’s great RJ. I’m glad you got a kick out of Mason’s soap opera life. I for one am tired of it.”

  “You think Kari is going to come here after Uncle yelled at her?” I was curious. Maybe Uncle Mike knew all about their affair and this other guy named Jack.

  “A normal woman wouldn’t but Kari and Mason are not normal. She calls, he comes. He calls, she comes.”

  “I heard her come.” I couldn’t hold in my laugh. “She’s a screamer.”

  “Stay away from Kari. I don’t want you to end up in Lake Michigan swimming with the fishes.” Uncle Mike joked.

  I stopped laughing and noticed Uncle Mason leering at us. “Uncle Mason, you okay? You were kind of loud in there.” I asked trying to hold in my snicker. This old people drama is funny as shit.

  Damn, Uncle is really pissed. He didn’t say anything to me he just sauntered off and into the backroom. This time he closed the door behind him.

  It only took a few minutes for Hurricane Kari to come storming into the office. She blew pass us without a glance. She was ghost and I couldn’t help but to have my mouth wide open.

  Of course we could hear a few muffled sounds coming for the backroom but we couldn’t make out any real words. Everything got quiet after a while and there were no gunshots or crashing noises so I figured they made up.

  The work day went fairly fast and Kari never came out the backroom. I left the office before she did. Those two were a strange duo. The weird thing is I think Uncle Mason may really, truly, deeply love Kari. I have had feelings for girls but love… never.

  CHAPTER 5

  I had another date with Deja. The more we went out the more she became comfortable with me. I hoped she didn’t bring up her virginity. It was nice being with her without that invisible pressure. I wanted her. I really wanted to slide my cock into home plate. But her company was nice. Being with her made me think that maybe relationships could be more than the power struggles I was accustomed to.

  After going home and getting cleaned up, I picked Deja up from her house. She came out dressed in a long yellow body hugging dress. Not the nerdy gear I had grown used to.

  She hopped in my ride and shut the door.

  “Hey.” Damn her dimple is so cute.

  “Hey, you look nice.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Where do you want to go?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I pulled off the curb with no particular destination. “You hungry?”

  “No, not really.”

  “I know a place we can go. It’s a surprise.”

  “You have a surprise for me?”

  “Yep.” I looked over at Deja and smiled.

  “This surprise doesn’t have a scrotum connected to it?”

  What the fuck? “No, please stop obsessi
ng about my penis parts.”

  Deja raised an eyebrow. “You’re so funny.”

  “I know. The surprise is PG. I know you’ll love it. How was school?”

  “It was school. I’m just doing my time.”

  “Did you go to college?”

  “No only on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

  I knew this already. I remembered everything she ever told me but I loved to hear her talk and I wanted her to know I was interested in everything about her. This wasn’t a game to me. I was really into her. Deja already had enough credits to graduate high school. She even had college credits. Deja was special. She was going to be a good wife to some doctor or lawyer.

  We talked about the horrific murders of children and teens that were plaguing the streets of Chicago. Deja talked about the War in Iraq. She was knowledgeable on some many topics that she made you smarter. You had to retain a bit of her knowledge. She talked with confidence. She talked like a woman, not a girl, definitely not a virgin. She talked and I chimed in from time to time.

  Soon I reached my destination. We pulled into the parking lot of the Barnes and Noble Bookstore at the Bolingcreek mall. I turned the car off.

  “We’re going on a date at a bookstore?”

  “Yes babe, I know how you love books. I’m trying to impress you. I’m may be dumb but I actually know where the bookstore is located.” We both unbuckled our seatbelts.

  “I’m impressed. RJ you’re not dumb. Don’t ever say that to me again.” She was smiling at first and then her face was absolutely serious. “RJ, did you hear me?”

  “Yes I hear you.”

  “Different people have different smarts. Some things you can’t learn in books. Some things you have to experience for yourself. I know you have experienced a lot… Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Like, I don’t know.”

  “Do I look funny?” I asked.

  “No, you look—”

  “Sexy?” I cut into her words.

  “Ah no.”

  “Handsome?”

  “Ah no.”

  “Horny?”

  “No.”

  “Well you’re terrible at reading people. I’m sexy, handsome and horny all day every day. Good thing you’re going to be a cardiologist and not a psychologist.”