Stilettos & Stubble

by Amanda Egan

  ‘Oh for goodness sake, Tittie!’ I threw my pen onto the desk and sat back in despair. ‘I can’t keep filling in gaps with the amount of acts we’re working with. This is the third time in two weeks that Annie’s been off. Is he not well?’

  Tittie shook his head and looked down at his immaculate fingernails. ‘I don’t know what’s up with him. He just keeps shutting me out. Everything was great for a while after our mini-break and now he’s gone all moody and quiet again.’

  ‘Well, you have my sympathy, Tittie, but we really need to do something about the club. Takings are down and I honestly think it’s because we’re not delivering enough variety any more.’

  ‘I keep trying to talk to him, Perce, but I get nowhere. He’s a stubborn old bugger.’ Tittie attempted a brave smile but no hint of it reached his eyes.

  ‘Well he might be stubborn but that’s not going to help running this place. There’s a pile of post for him over there that hasn’t been opened. I reckon there’s about three weeks’ worth. I can only do so much and I’m beginning to get my knickers in a twist with all the juggling. Don’t you think it might be time to start auditioning some new acts?’

  Tittie stood and stretched, pouring us both a small brandy from the ever-present supply. ‘I just don’t know any more, Sweet Cheeks, I just don’t know. Do what you think’s right and let’s hope we get the old Annie back soon.’

  *****

  Far from getting the old Annie back, things went from bad to worse.

  Annie came in less and less and then Tittie began to follow suit. The post continued to pile up and a number of ominous brown envelopes began to appear. Takings were depressingly low and I constantly felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

  Lady, Vi, Ma and Lubov did their best to keep the shows fresh and different and, with the occasional performance from Betty, we were muddling through.

  But muddling through wasn’t going to pay their wages and I’d decided to take drastic action and audition for three new acts. I figured that would be enough to inject a little extra spice and get us back on track. If Annie came back and decided he didn’t like them, it was just tough. I was doing everything in my power to save the reputation of his club and boost income and was rapidly beginning to feel a little out of my depth.

  It was a chilly October afternoon and I’d managed to bribe Lady and Vi into coming in early to help me with the auditions. Never having found myself in that role before, I didn’t really have a clue what I was looking for but I did know that it was important to choose acts that the others would get on with. I didn’t need any more dramas backstage.

  We’d sat through several rather dodgy performances which I knew were not up to The Glove’s standard and I refused to be compromised out of desperation. I’d rather liked one called Bo Locks but Vi shook his head and said, ‘Over my dead body! She’s known for low-down and dirty tricks that one. Rumour has it she once concealed a needle in a queen’s lipstick to rip her lips apart just before going on stage. No way are we taking that nasty piece of work on. Next!’

  And so we saw act after act and I became more and more disheartened. If Vi or Lady didn’t like them, or knew of their reputation, I had to sit through the full run down of their supposed crimes, who they’d upset or why their material was below par.

  ‘Ginger Fudge’ seemed to be our one saving grace with original material, a great singing voice and a bubbly personality. He was currently doing three nights at another club but agreed to a few sessions with us. He gave us a printout of songs which he favoured and we crossed off any that were already part of The Glove’s repertoire.

  ‘There’s no way you’re doing ‘Big Spender’ cos that’s mine and, if you even dare to whistle ‘I Am What I Am’, Tittie will have your balls for earrings.’ Vi smiled sweetly and then added, ‘Apart from that, I think we’ll be just fine and dandy!’

  Ginger left, agreeing to start the following night, and our search for fresh blood continued. Some were turned down because they were ‘too pretty’, some ‘pig ugly’, but I trusted Vi and Lady’s judgment and listened to their comments, learning as I went.

  By five o’clock we’d managed to secure two other acts and I was feeling quietly confident. ‘Peculiar Tart’ was possibly the crudest of the bunch but we felt it was time to take a risk and the talents of ‘Fanny Fiddle’ and her violin restored the balance and added the ‘class’ factor.

  ‘Phew! Thanks guys. Let’s hope we made the right decisions,’ I said nervously as I packed up my notes and files. ‘Fancy a quick drink across the road before you get your slap on? My treat, for helping me out.’

  ‘Sounds fab, Perce.’ Lady grabbed his denim jacket and Vi followed us out.

  ‘We should be buying you a drink, anyway. If this place closes, we’ll be stuffed. Nobody wants to take on old queens now. We’re fit for the knacker’s yard,’ Vi said as we crossed the road to the pub.

  ‘You bloody well speak for yourself, Madam,’ Lady spat back. ‘I’ve got years in me yet and so has The Glove.’ There’s no way we’re closing down, so hush your filthy mouth. The first round’s on me.’

  I only hoped Lady was right. Because I’d been doing the books and things were looking pretty grim.

  *****

  ‘Oooh, Perce! Isn’t that the bloke who helped us sort the club out after the fight? You know, the one you went on a couple of dates with? The huge one in the corner there. Jeepers, he’s a fine looking specimen, isn’t he?’

  ‘The Queen’s Head’ was buzzing for early evening and I had to scan the crowds to see if Vi was right. Sure enough, there in the corner, was Luke looking as stunning as always in an immaculately cut suit and pristine white shirt open at the collar. Vi was right, he was quite a looker and I felt my heart rise and then sink just as rapidly. I’d really liked him and thought the feeling was mutual but, as always, it had fallen in a heap.

  ‘Yep, that’s him, Vi,’ I said as nonchalantly as I could. ‘It didn’t work out between us, it’s no great shakes. Let’s go and sit in the far corner, shall we?’ I made for the area of the pub furthest from Luke and his crowd as I had no intention of talking to him and stirring up old feelings. He was history.

  We settled at a small table and I positioned myself strategically with my back to Luke. I didn’t want to look at him and I didn’t want him to see me. I raised my glass to Lady and Vi in a toast. ‘Well here’s to us. And keeping The Glove afloat.’

  ‘The Glove!’ They echoed my toast and we drank in silence for a while. It had been a long afternoon and we clearly all felt in need of alcoholic sustenance. Eventually Lady slammed his glass on the table and wiped the back of his mouth with his hand. ‘Your round, Percy. We could do with another, I reckon.’

  I really didn’t want to go to the bar and run the risk of bumping into Luke at any time, but particularly not on a day when I was in torn jeans, baggy T-shirt and with a slap-free face. The last time we’d met, I’d been ‘beauty parlour perfect’ and he hadn’t even liked that.

  Trying to bribe the queens to go to the bar for me was fruitless, as they gave endless excuses ranging from sore feet to throbbing haemorrhoids, so I gave up and slunk off to get the drinks.

  And I ended up side by side with the enemy.

  I employed the classic ‘looking the other way and pretending to be oblivious’ ruse but it didn’t work.

  ‘Hey, Percy!’ His hand was on my arm. ‘I didn’t recognise you there. You look great. How have you been?’

  I turned to face him and took in the beauty of all his suited and booted glory. ‘Oh Hi, Luke. I’m good thanks.’ I aimed for bright and breezy with a hint of ‘terribly busy’ as I looked from him to my watch and then over to our table. ‘Nice suit. Got a new job?’

  He shuffled uncomfortably, pulling at the collar of his shirt. ‘Erm, no. No new job. I’ve just come from an interview, that’s all.’ He leaned across to retrieve his tray of drinks. ‘See you around.’ The smile he shot me melted my heart and had me longing for anot
her chance at rekindling what I’d thought we’d both felt, but I knew that that was the stuff of fairy tales and not the way things worked in real life - particularly mine. I ordered my round and returned to the queens.

  ‘We saw you, fraternising with Prince Charming,’ Vi joked. ‘Is he gonna give Cinders another shot? Make sure you give us enough warning to get our wedding hats, won’t you? I quite fancy myself in a saucy little fascinator for a change.’

  Vi’s words sounded distant and yet sparked a picture in my mind as I depressed myself even further by imagining the perfect wedding day that would never be.

  *****

  Back at the club I threw myself into my work in an effort to take my mind off things. I’d updated the website with pictures of the new acts and emailed Annie and Tittie to inform them of the changes.

  Neither of them had been picking up my calls to their mobiles or landline and I was beginning to feel a bit put upon. It was all very well trusting me to run the club, but the responsibility was starting to weigh quite heavily and the brown envelopes and unopened letters were silently taunting me in the corner. What if there was stuff that needed dealing with urgently and I was totally ignorant of it all?

  I tried Annie’s mobile for the umpteenth time that day and hung up when there was no answer. This couldn’t go on much longer. I hadn’t had a night off in three weeks and I was totally shattered. I also needed to discuss Christmas shows with Annie and start to plan our festive programmes.

  I decided to call Daddy. He’d know what to do and would give calm, impartial advice. But, as was now so often the case, it also rang into voicemail and I was forced to leave a message. My dad seemed to have more of a social life than me and, although I was pleased for him, I missed him. I missed our chats and quiet drinks together.

  Feeling a huge and unexpected gush of daughterly duty, I dialled my mother’s number. I certainly wasn’t ringing for advice or pep talks from her but I’d realised it had been weeks since I’d spoken to her and felt that I at least owed her a catch-up call.

  In contrast to my other calls, I felt nothing but relief when she didn’t pick up and sat back in my chair with a world-weary sigh. I was tired of having to deal with everything by myself. The girls had been great helping me with the auditions but that was only the tip of the iceberg. So much was hanging by a thread and keeping it all together was a lonely business.

  I shuffled the brown envelopes and put them back tidily in the corner. Part of me was telling me to leave them be and another was telling me to take the bull by the horns and open them. OK, so they weren’t addressed to me but I was in sole charge of the club at that moment and maybe I needed to use my initiative.

  Just as I’d decided to ignore them for one more day, I heard a sound behind me and turned to see Betty coming through the door. He was dressed in all his finery and ready for his act. Although he was resplendent in red sequins, with matching boa and massive diamond drop earrings, I couldn’t help thinking that he was lacking even more of his usual enthusiasm. It was still Betty, but with less wattage than usual.

  My sixth sense kicked in and I feared the worst.

  So when I heard him utter the words, ‘Can I have a quick chat, Perce?,’ I reached for some medicinal brandy and prepared myself for the next bombshell.

  Chapter Twenty

  ‘It’s not for me any more, Percy,’ Betty started quietly.

  To begin with I couldn’t quite figure out what he could possibly be talking about and then the penny dropped.

  ‘Are you handing in your notice, Betty?’ I asked with a feeling of dread.

  He nodded and pulled up a seat next to me.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Percy. I know things are really tough around here but I can’t do it any more.’

  Oh, could things get any worse? For a fleeting moment I felt like grabbing my bag, locking up the club and going home to hide under my duvet until the New Year. But I knew I couldn’t do that to Annie and Tittie. I had responsibilities and I wasn’t prepared to let people down.

  ‘Of course I’ll work a month’s notice. I won’t leave you in the lurch but I want to really make a go of it with Stella and I don’t think that’s possible while I’m still dabbling in drag.’

  His mind was made up, and I didn’t feel it would be fair on either him or his wife to try to change it, but I did have some questions I needed answers to.

  ‘Won’t you miss it? Isn’t it a huge part of who you are?’

  Betty shook his head. ‘No. That’s just it. I think the counselling finally made me see what it was all about. It’s almost like I was clinging to a little piece of my past … the past where I felt loved. My sisters were the biggest influences in my life, so I was trying to recreate that feeling of security and being totally blind to the fact that Stella loved me for me … Dave! I’ve been a dozy sod, Perce. I could have lost her.’

  I was pleased for him. He seemed calmer and more focused than I’d ever known him. I had no doubt in my mind that he was making the right decision.

  ‘Well obviously we’ll all be sorry to see you go but I’m glad you’ve got yourself sorted. I have to say this place won’t be the same without you.’ I paused for a while and added, ‘Well actually I have no idea how this place is likely to end up right now, but I do know you’ll be sorely missed.’

  ‘Nah Perce, the girls won’t miss me - they were always a bit wary of ‘the straight one’ - I never quite fitted in. Me and Lubov - we’ve always been the outsiders - just the way it is.’ He shrugged his shoulders and then slapped his huge hands on his sequinned thighs. ‘Right, Sexy Legs, pour me a brandy and tell me what’s going on with this place. We need to get that slapped arse look off your face and you might as well make the most of me while I’m still here. A problem shared and all that …’

  *****

  The shared problem was not halved. It was huge and we both sat in disbelief.

  Dave (I couldn’t go on thinking of him as Betty) had listened to all my concerns, made a quick trip to the bar to grab a wine for me and a pint for him and then taken over.

  ‘Drink your wine, Percy. Brandy will make our brains sluggish but I have a distinct feeling we might need a little Dutch courage to deal with what’s ahead of us.’

  I looked at him in confusion. ‘What? I don’t get it.’

  He pulled his shoulders back and cracked his knuckles. ‘We’re going to tackle the envelopes, Percy. With or without Annie and Tittie.’

  I knew that it made sense but I couldn’t help feeling slightly sick and more than a little apprehensive as I reached for the post in the drawer.

  As we sat later with our third round of drinks, the papers strewn across the desk and our hearts in our boots, the full impact of our findings hit us.

  ‘Shit, Perce. It’s not good is it?’

  I shook my head slowly, trying to take everything in. ‘Oh, Dave! What am I going to do? I can’t pay these bills until I get in touch with Annie and, as neither of them ever answer their phones lately, my hands are tied. I don’t even know if there’s enough in the account to cover these.’

  ‘Well I guess the first step will be to get in touch with all of these companies and offer them some kind of excuse. That should buy us some time. I just don’t know how much.’ Dave looked through the bills and began to make some rough notes.

  ‘I simply can’t understand why Annie’s let it get this bad,’ I lamented. And why would he just turn his back on it all at a time like this? This club is his life and he seems to have walked away from it and left the whole lot to me. It’s not fair, Dave.’

  ‘Life’s not fair, Kiddo, but you’re not a whinger. You’re better than that and if you can just keep this place bobbing along in the short term, they’ll thank you for it. I’m sure there’s a good reason and it will all be sorted out in no time.’

  He made it sound so simple and for a second I believed him. I’d make a few calls, tell a few lies and hold the fort until Annie returned to the fold. How hard could that be?
>
  We were just replacing all the bills in the drawer with a list of numbers to call the next day, when we turned and saw Tittie standing in the doorway. He looked gaunt and grey, his eyes were red rimmed and his shoulders slumped.

  ‘It’s Annie. He’s gone missing. I haven’t seen him in three days.’

  *****

  Tittie told us quietly and calmly that Annie had become more and more withdrawn since he and I last spoke.

  ‘He didn’t want to come back to the club, he didn’t want to go anywhere. So I just stayed at home with him to keep him company and try to cheer him up. I’m sorry, Perce, we’ve been complete bitches just leaving everything up to you but I didn’t know what else to do.’