THE HEALING HEART

by Zelda Clemens

  “I don’t!”

  “Well, you should. God, you’re so uptight. I hope Luke fucks you.”

  Daphne stared at Emma like she had three heads.

  “What? Don’t look at me like that. You and Dennis have been broken up for months now. God, who even holds on to their boyfriend from high school that long.”

  “I don’t want to talk about him,” Daphne said, crossing her arms.

  “I didn’t say you had to marry Luke or be his girlfriend. I’m just saying you need to move on. Dennis has. You should too. I mean, people change, and you guys were like four states apart. That would be hard on anyone.”

  Daphne took a deep breath, feeling that familiar lump in her throat. She knew it was over before Dennis even called her. They were barely talking with their busy school schedules, and they had not even had sex in six months. And that was even after he visited three months ago. The spark had just gone out, and neither of them had to courage to say anything in the four years they were together, until this summer.

  “Don’t make that face, Daphne.”

  “What face?”

  “The I’m-going-to-die-alone face.”

  “I just miss having someone to talk to.”

  “You have me!” Emma said, giving Daphne a goofy grin.

  “Yea, well I can’t make out with you,” Daphne jokingly said.

  “Well, you could, but I don’t think you would be into it.”

  Daphne rolled her eyes, laughing at Emma.

  “I say we create a spank bank for you. Nothing crazy just a couple of faces to get you going. I vote Luke. Your voice is getting all needy when you talk about him.”

  “It does not! And, no thanks, I don’t need a masturbation coach.”

  “Um, yes you do. You didn’t know what a spank bank was, and you’re weirded out by the thought of masturbating. You should do it. It helps you when you’re having sex with a real person. You need to know where your good spots are—”

  “Ew. Enough. I got it. I know what I like. I’m good,” Daphne responded.

  “Missionary with Dennis the accounting major at NYU is not okay. You need to be creative. Think of how big and muscular Luke is. Imagine all of the things a man that athletic can do to your body. Flipping you over, up against a wall. Oh, he is probably really good at eating the kitty cat. I can just look at a guy and tell. I’m getting horny just thinking about it.”

  “God, someone will hear you,” Daphne said, attempting to hush Emma.

  “So? I don’t care. People need to stop being weird about fucking. It’s fun, and if you are safe and consenting and doing it right, it is great. You need it, trust me.”

  Daphne pursed her lips. She did not think about sex that often. The only man she had ever been with was Dennis and he was always to the point. Sex, to Daphne, was not that big of a deal, but the way Emma had described it was like it was the greatest physical feeling on earth. Daphne shook her head, dismissing the thought. She did not want Luke in her head, even if it was just in her spank bank.

  *****

  Daphne stood at the edge of the field, tightening her raincoat. It was pouring rain and Coach Daniels took today to take his job too seriously. It was already an hour of drills with the largest men Daphne had ever seen in her life slamming into sleds. Daphne did not know why they called them sleds. They were more giant cushions wrapped around massive metal frames. The grass was being uprooted as man after man tried to push it further down the field. They were fighting exhaustion, rain, and physics, and Daphne had to admit she was impressed. Even through the deluge, she could spot Luke. He had looked in her direction several times, but she was trying to ignore him.

  For the second hour, Luke was throwing the ball down field to the receivers. His arm was phenomenal. Even the worst receivers were getting the ball under his expert direction. When Luke had the ball during the practice play, he seemed completely in sync with the offensive line. The defense could not get a hold of him either. Even though it was obvious that Luke was getting tired, he had not been sacked once. The other players seemed to already respect him.

  Daphne half-expected him to be cocky and screaming at the obviously inexperienced offensive line, but he was level-headed and even compassionate. Coach Daniels barely had to make a sound or blow his whistle through the plays. Just in the same way Daphne had her job memorized, Luke had all of the plays memorized.

  When the defense was unable to get a hold of him, he was actually giving them tips on the best ways to manage a tackle and avoid a penalty. He actually knew not only how to play offense, but also defense. Daphne was starting to see what all of the hype was about.

  “Alright, boys! Bring it in,” Coach Daniels yelled, blowing his whistle.

  The players seemed to collapse where they stood. Daphne smirked and shook her head. They were clearly not used to real practices. As they piled over to the benches, she started handing out the water bottles rapid fire. She was used to moving quickly and with a lot of players even the rain did not throw off her rhythm. Luke was the last one to walk over to her. She felt a lump in her throat. They had been avoiding each other for several practices. He pulled off his helmet and Daphne ducked her head down to hand him the bottle. He grabbed it but when she looked up he was standing there still looking at her.

  “Yes?” Daphne said.

  “Just wanted to see if you would look,” Luke said, squirting the Gatorade in his mouth.

  Daphne’s brain felt scattered. She hated this feeling. Even the rain running down his biceps was making her feel like her brain cells were dying. She shook her head and walked away. He called behind her, but she was ignoring him. She just needed to focus on her job. She picked up the empty water bottles under the benches but when she looked up, he was standing across from her, putting a hoodie on.

  “Yes? Can I help you?” Daphne asked, shoving water bottles under her arm.

  She needed to hurry so that she could help wrap the players in ice and check them for injuries. She did not have time for Luke following her.

  “What’s your problem?” he asked, picking up some empty bottles.

  Daphne looked behind her and the players were disappearing into the locker rooms. Coach Daniels started walking after the players, but he looked back and was watching Daphne speculatively.

  “Coach is waiting on you,” Daphne said, avoiding eye contact with Luke.

  “I can see him. For real, man. What’s your deal? Did I say something to piss you off or what?” Luke asked, shrugging his shoulders, “Look, you’re not even looking at me.”

  Daphne stood up straight, looked up, took a breath and looked at him. She was trying so hard not to stare at his biceps. He really was a big guy. Dennis, her ex, was tall, but he was skinny. Daphne had just the right amount of muscle and curves and always felt like Dennis was too small for her. Her mind wondered if Luke was big everywhere…

  “Okay, I’m looking at you. So what?” Daphne asked, pursing her lips at him.

  “Never mind, man. I just want us to be cool. Sorry for bothering you. Can I help you bring this shit in?”

  Daphne looked around at all of the equipment and before she could answer, thunder crashed loudly overhead. She jumped.

  “I’ll just help. Jesus, you’ll drown out here,” Luke said, gathering the water bottles.

  Daphne wanted to protest, but the weather was pretty bad today. Normally a school would have more than one athletic trainer on a team as large as football, but the athletic training program was new. That and no one took the football team seriously.

  After they gathered everything, Daphne grabbed one cart and Luke gathered the other and they wheeled them into the hallway of the athletic department offices.

  “Thank you,” Daphne said, pulling her coat hood back.

  She was out of breath and was drenched in sweat and rain.

  “What was that?” Luke asked, smirking down at her.

  Daphne knew he was messing with her. She clearly said “thank you” loud enough for
him to hear her. He was wearing a cheeky, crooked smile that made her smile too.

  “I said—thank you. Now, get in there so Coach can follow up with you. Plus, you need to shower. I’ll be in soon,” Daphne said, pulling off her rain coat.

  “You’ll be in the shower? Hmm, I usually like to shower alone, but if you’re offering—”

  Daphne shoved him playfully. He winked at her and walked backwards to the showers. She distinctly saw him look her up and down. Daphne’s cheeks felt hot, but she looked away and rolled her carts away so the bottles could be washed down by the cleaning staff. She caught her reflection in the glass of an office and she hated how needy she looked.

  “Get it together, girl,” Daphne said to herself under her breath.

  In the trainer’s medic room, the players who had already showered were lying on the tables wincing. It would take Daphne an hour to tape up all of them.

  “Looks like we may need to get you an assistant,” Coach Daniels said, walking up behind Daphne.

  “Tell me about it,” Daphne said, walking over to the ice machine at the end of the abandoned hallway and packing plastic bags.

  “So, I saw you talking to our new stud,” Coach Daniels said, helping her pack bags.

  Daphne froze and looked up at him. He was eyeing her with a downturned stare like he was accusing her of something.

  “We were just talking,” Daphne said, returning to the bags.

  “I see. Might I ask what about?”

  “Um, it was nothing. He just wanted to know if I needed help. He helped me bring the gear in. No big deal.”

  “I see,” Coach Daniels said.

  “Did I do something wrong?” Daphne asked.

  “Nope,” he replied.

  “Then why do I feel like I’m in trouble.”

  “Look, we, and I mean the school, has a lot riding on Luke’s performance this season. It’s the only year he’s eligible to play college football. Don’t spread it around, but we are attempting to get division one status in the next two years. A good football program can do that.”

  “That’s good news, but what does that have to do with me?”

  Coach Daniels took a deep breath, dropped the ice bags in a cooler and turned to face Daphne.

  “Daphne, you’re a good student, a good worker. Everyone in the athletic department thinks so. It’s why I requested you. I knew we would need someone focused with us bringing such a high profile athlete on the team.”

  “Thank you, but again, it still sounds like I’m in trouble,” Daphne said.

  “I guess I didn’t count on you being a—distraction.”

  “What?”

  “I mean this with all due respect, but you are an attractive girl, Daphne. The other players notice it, and it looks like Luke does too.”

  Daphne was fuming. Her looks had nothing to do with her job. She had every mind to run to the director of the athletic department, but she wanted to hear what else Coach Daniels had to say.

  “Hear me out, Daphne. I’m not hitting on you for Christ’s sakes. That’s not what my point is,” he said.

  “Then what the hell is your point, Coach?”

  “I’m asking you, please, one professional to another to just let Luke play. In fact, I might be doing you a favor.”

  “A favor? What does that even mean?”

  “It means he likes women. Like a lot. Most men his age with his level of skill do. I’m just saying you have a bright future here, but so does he. I will gladly give a well-written letter to any professional team whenever it’s time for you to graduate. I have a lot of contacts in pro sports. I understand you like lacrosse?”

  Daphne’s face softened and her ears perked up.

  “You know people in lacrosse?” she asked.

  Coach nodded and a smile broke on his face. Daphne knew that Coach knew he had her. Still, the idea of someone bribing her not to talk to a guy did not set well with her.

  “My cousin coaches for the Atlanta Blaze. I would gladly put in a good word with anyone in major league lacrosse for you. It’s very rare for undergraduate college students to get a job in their field, especially in pro sports. I will scratch your back—if you scratch mine. Deal?”

  Daphne looked down at the freckled hand outstretched in front of her. She let out a sigh and took his hand in hers, shaking it stiffly.

  “Deal, Coach.”

  *****

  When Daphne got back to her dorm room she was exhausted. Her and Emma’s room was on the top floor and her legs and arms were aching. Emma had talked her into a room on the third floor so that they could get the vaulted ceilings but Northeast State College was a historic school, over one hundred years old. There were no elevators in the campus buildings over one hundred years ago. After the second flight, Daphne could have easily fallen asleep in the stairwell. When she did finally get to the dorm room, Daphne could hear rock music blasting from the outside. Emma was home.

  Daphne keyed in, hoping Emma was not in a talking mood. She had just made a deal with the coach that felt akin to a deal with the devil. It felt like a compromise that was wrong no matter how she spun it. Her parents did not support her, so she needed an edge. They often told her there was no way she could get a job in her field. Her parents also weren’t together anymore and disagreed on everything—everything except that Daphne would be a failure in the athletic training field.

  “Hey!” Emma said, yelling over the music.

  Daphne covered her ears and Emma jumped up and turned the music down.

  “Sorry, better?” Emma said, closing her laptop.

  Daphne breathed a sigh of relief as the music disappeared from her hearing.

  “Rough day?” Emma asked, plopping on her bed.

  Daphne dropped her backpack on the floor, chewing on her bottom lip. She was not sure what she should tell Emma.

  “Oh, wait! Before you say anything. I bought you something,” Emma said, riffling through her oversized purse.

  “What is it? It’s not my birthday,” Daphne said, sitting on the edge of Emma’s bed.

  “Here,” Emma said, handing Daphne a plastic bag with a drug store emblem printed on the front.

  Daphne narrowed her eyes at the bag. A box was in it. Daphne half-wondered if it was a box of tampons.

  “Oh my God!” Daphne said, dropping the bag.

  Emma fell backward, laughing loudly.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Daphne asked, picking the bag up off the vinyl floor.

  Daphne pulled the contents out. It was a warming, personal lubricating gel and a small, ring-shaped vibrator.

  “It was a combo pack. I needed some more Band-Aids for the soccer team and some condoms for me and I saw this at the drug store. I had to get it. It was on sale. You’re welcome.”

  “Emma! No, no, no. Take it back.”

  “Um, no. I can already tell you’re are going to be weird about using your finger and sometimes it’s hard to get wet enough without a well-stocked spank bank. It’s fine. I won’t look.”

  Daphne pinched her eyes closed and shook her head.

  “Emma, I’m not using that.”

  “Oh, come on! Please, please, try it. It’s waterproof so you can take it in the shower. We have our own shower this year, so no one would know. It’s worth it. I bought one for me too. Mine’s pink so that we don’t mix them up.”

  Daphne retched and got up off the bed.

  “Come on, Daphne. Are you really that mad about it?”

  Daphne folded her arms and faced Emma. She really was not that mad about it. She was more frustrated about Coach Daniels and Luke.

  “No, it’s not that. I already know you’re a fucking pervert.”

  Emma smiled proudly like it was a compliment.

  “Then what’s your problem?”

  “Coach. Luke. I hate football,” Daphne said, lying on her bed.

  Emma walked over and sat on Daphne’s bed.

  “What happened?” Emma asked.

  Daphne s
at up and pulled her pillow to her chest.

  “I think I like Luke,” Daphne said, burying her face in the pillow.

  Emma squealed loudly and hugged Daphne.

  “I knew you would! Are you going to tell him?”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why? You don’t think he likes you back?”

  “Worse. I think he does. He was looking at me during practice and he helped me pack up the gear.”

  Emma narrowed her eyes at Daphne like she was confused.

  “This all sounds like good stuff. Did I miss something or what?”

  Daphne took a deep breath and rattled off to Emma about Coach Daniels and his offer and the Atlanta Blaze and her parents and how Luke was off limits.

  “Ugh, that bitch. I fucking hate Coach Daniels. You should fuck Luke in Coach Daniels’s office, on his desk.”

  Daphne laughed and shook her head.

  “Emma, I can’t—nor would I want to—do any of those things.”

  “Liar. Hmm, we need a plan. I think Luke needs to be involved. That way Coach backs off, right?”

  “No, no, no. This is done. I don’t need any Emma schemes.”

  “Then let me talk to him. He is my dad after all.”

  “Yes, your dad that you don’t even talk to. I don’t know how you worked his team last year without a screaming match.”

  “Ugh, don’t remind me. He intentionally put me on football so we could bond or whatever. My mom was furious. And, I don’t talk to Jeffry Daniels cause he’s just a loser sperm donor. He was married when he fucked my mom. Ugh, what a cunt. I talk to him long enough to get my scholarship papers signed. If he didn’t work here I’d never be able to afford this damn school.”

  “Sorry I asked. And please, just don’t say anything.”

  Emma went to speak and Daphne held up her hands and gave Emma a warning look.

  “Fine. Then this is more reason for you to use my gift. With football you won’t have any chance of meeting someone. Trust me, last season was brutal and not just ‘cause I was working with my dad. It’s just a lot of work. They have a ton of practices and the off season is just as busy as the regular season.”