by Rosa Sophia
Letting his right eye slip shut, he tried to calm himself as he watched the rosary swing like a pendulum.
Stab.
He dug his fingernails into the arm of the chair. His stomach turned.
Another stab. This time along two branches of the nerve. He gritted his teeth, then forced himself to relax, slackening his jaw. Panicking wouldn’t help.
But it was coming.
It’s coming, it’s coming, it’s coming.
He started breathing from his mouth, each breath shorter than the last, the inhales hard and fast because he knew breathing hurt. Living hurt.
I’m not living. This isn’t fucking living.
The swinging cross drew nearer and the light swam, the pendant dipping as Alex leaned down, her hands on her knees, peering into Orion’s left eye, the only one showing.
“You’re not okay,” she was saying. “I knew it.”
Tammy’s face appeared, and he recognized the fear there. But he saw something else, an emotionless void, an emptiness that worried him. He thought of his mother for the second time that night, and a small part of him prayed Tammy wouldn’t end up like her one day, her hand tight around a bottle as she shut out the world—and him.
What am I thinking? We haven’t been dating that long and…and fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, it hurts. I can’t live like this, I can’t, I can’t.
A ragged, grating sound shook his guts and made bile rise in his throat. He realized with a start he’d made that sound.
All of a sudden, Tammy was tugging on his arm, pulling him to his feet.
As if realizing he’d been staring at it, Alex slipped off the rosary and hung it around his neck. She stared straight into his eyes and said, “You need this more than I do. Your girlfriend told me what you’re going through. Tammy, get him somewhere safe.”
“I will.”
They started the trek back toward his house. As desperation rose within him, he wished the pain would end. He knew he wouldn’t remember much of anything come tomorrow. If he’d been in his right mind, he wouldn’t have wanted Tammy to come to his parents’ house. But he wasn’t, he was losing his mind.
That didn’t matter. As long as I don’t lose her.
23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ryan dropped his hat on the table at Express Ohh’s. It thudded gently against the smooth, mocha-colored surface.
“Nice.” Jordan fingered the soft, light brown material of the hat which just about matched the color of the table. “Suede. You know this hat makes you look like John Wayne, right?”
“What’ve you got against John Wayne? And you’re wrong. I’ve seen enough of his movies to know my hat doesn’t anywhere near resemble his.” Ryan chuckled, knowing his friend was joking.
He’d just finished his shift for the day, but he was always on call. At least, he knew he could go home and sleep tonight. There wasn’t much trouble in Clearwater, ever. He preferred it that way. Jordan didn’t mind the nightshift, and he’d happily taken the hours. Which made it easier for Ryan. That way, he didn’t have to explain why he hated working nights.
“Here we are!” Jennifer’s sing-song voice danced across the café as she came toward them with their drinks. “One black coffee, no cream or sugar.” She placed the steaming mug in front of Jordan. “And one chai latte. Enjoy. I’ll be right out with your sandwiches.”
“Thanks, Jen.” Ryan nodded, watching her soft auburn hair flit behind her as she sauntered away. When he turned to face Jordan, the man was shaking his head in seeming wonderment. Ryan lifted his mug and sipped his tea. “What are you staring at?”
“You. What’s the deal?”
“What deal?”
“Chai lattes, man? Isn’t that kind of a sissy drink?”
“I’ve been getting bored of coffee.” In truth, his doctor had advised him to cut back. His job was high-stress, even with the help of Jordan as his deputy, and his doctor was concerned about his health. He was only in his thirties, for crying out loud. But the good doc was probably right. He’d never realized until a few weeks ago how delicious chai lattes were. In fact, he was beginning to think his life had been incomplete without them. I need to get out more.
“What’s next?” Jordan queried.
“What do you mean?”
“You gonna start sipping Shirley Temples?”
“You are on a roll today.”
Jordan smirked. “I’m in a good mood. I spent the day with Chloe and Bianca. They’re the light of my life.”
“Now who’s a sissy?” Ryan winked.
“Yeah, whatever.”
“I’m kidding.”
“I know.” Jordan leaned back in his seat. “How come you don’t have a woman?”
Ryan shrugged. “Haven’t met the right one, I guess.”
“You work too much to meet the right one.”
He wasn’t picking on him. It was just a fact, and Ryan knew it. He’d had a steady girlfriend once. In my past life, he reminded himself. Back when he’d been a cop in another city, living in a world he’d sooner forget. She’d left him, and he remembered what his father swore by when the man was still alive: It’s true what they say, son. Times of trouble come, ya find out who your true friends are.
Ryan blinked away the memory as Jennifer placed their sandwiches in front of them.
“Light dinner, boys?”
“Huh?” He looked up at her.
“Light dinner. Sandwiches.” She tilted her head, frowning. The owner of the café had always been particularly intuitive, and she and Ryan were friends. “You okay? Got something on your mind?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“All right. I won’t pry. You two let me know if you need anything.”
Now, Jordan was eyeing him with curiosity. “Hey, man.”
“Yeah?” Ryan bit into his sandwich. His stomach grumbled appreciatively at the scent and taste of the roast beef.
“We’ve been friends for a while now. Can I ask you something?”
“Hmm?” he mumbled through another bite.
Jordan had picked up one half of his sandwich, but hadn’t taken a bite yet.
“You keep quiet about a lot of things. And I know what that’s like, keeping quiet. After the hell I went through in the war, and coming home with PTSD…”
“What’re you getting at?” Ryan finally asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin.
“This might sound crazy, but sometimes, I think you’re hiding something.”
If he’d had food in his mouth, he might’ve choked. He didn’t know whether he managed to keep a straight face, but if Jordan’s expression was any indication, he hadn’t.
As if knowing he didn’t want to talk about it, Deputy Jordan Sheppard said nothing and dug into his meal. They lapsed into silence.
When they’d finished their drinks and sandwiches, they took the patrol car back to the station, and Jordan pulled the car up alongside Ryan’s SUV.
Before he could jump out, Jordan fixed him with a steely gaze.
“You ever want to talk, man, you let me know.”
“Right. See you in the morning.” He jumped out, shutting the door behind him, and climbed into his SUV.
Now was not the time for talking, and certainly not for dredging up the past. Let the past stay where it rested, that’s what he figured.
Once in his SUV, he headed down Main Street. He was about to turn right and drive toward his house on Maple when he spotted a familiar pair stepping out of the library.
The boy was Orion Bennett, and he was with his girlfriend, whom Ryan knew as Clara Pendleton’s cousin.
Orion stumbled, his face screwed up, his right eye squeezed shut, his figure hunched, and from the short distance, Ryan could tell right away something was wrong.
“Shit.” He slowed down as he neared the library and put on his hazard lights. Hopping out, he rushed across the street.
The girl might’ve panicked, but she seemed to notice the badge on his jacket.
“Miss, I’m Sheriff Ryder.” He nodded toward Orion. “He and I have been through this before.”
“What do you mean?” Her voice came out sounding small, and her eyes brimmed with unshed tears.
Ryan put his arm around Orion, supporting him, careful not to brush against the right side of his face. “Come on, let’s get him into the car. I’ll explain on the way to the hospital.”
“Hospital? But we were going to go to his house.”
“Miss, you met his parents?”
“No…”
Without another word, he helped the young man over to the SUV and ushered him inside. The girl followed, clutching her boyfriend’s hand.
This wasn’t the first time this had happened, and the sheriff knew the last place Orion should be at a time like this was in his own home.
24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tammy tried to hold back her tears as she watched the quick actions of the hospital staff. As soon as they’d gotten out of the car at the ER, someone apparently tasked with the duty of watching the entrance had shot forward with a wheelchair.
Seeing Orion in this state didn’t change how she felt about him. She was terrified. She barely understood what he was going through, even though he’d explained it, and a part of her wondered why this condition couldn’t be handled like a simple headache. Her mother had migraines sometimes, but this never happened. She would simply sequester herself in her dark room and stay in bed, quiet. Orion wasn’t quiet. He sobbed, crying out in pain. It was more than she could stand, seeing him this way.
He hunched curled over in the wheelchair, holding his hands in front of his head as he wept, but she noticed he wouldn’t touch his face. Someone asked him about the pain, and he could barely manage to speak.
Sheriff Ryder handled things at the front desk, and before Tammy knew what was happening, the orderlies moved the wheelchair toward a small room off the ER somewhere down the hall.
She started to follow when someone’s fingers curled around her arm. Startling, she turned and found Sheriff Ryder standing beside her.
“Don’t worry. He’ll be okay,” he assured her.
“How can you say that?” The tears finally streamed down her cheeks. “After what you just saw, how…how can you say that?”
She didn’t care that other patients waiting in the ER, or the nurses and orderlies, would witness her breakdown. Nothing mattered. Nothing except Orion. In that moment, she grew certain she’d fallen in love with him, even though the life she’d led so far had taught her how twisted love could be, that it could be used and tossed away. A voice in the back of her mind—or perhaps in her heart—begged her to believe in compassionate, stable love. With Orion, she could see it. But she became frightened she would lose him.
“Hey.” Sheriff Ryder had placed his hands firmly on her shoulders, pulling her around to face him. “Calm down. Come on, let’s sit. I’ll tell you what I know about this.”
He urged her over to the curved, plastic beige seats by the large windows that overlooked a small garden area and the hospital parking lot.
She sat without speaking, clasping her hands in her lap. She focused on the tiled floor, staring at her sneakers. Her gaze caught a speck of dirt that looked like a crumb of food, and she watched it as if to memorize its every feature, the image blurring each time tears came to her eyes. The lights in the room felt harsh, overcoming the receding daylight that trickled in from the windows. It neared six forty-five. She startled at the sound of his voice, sensing him beside her.
“You’re Clara Pendleton’s cousin, right?”
“Yeah. I’m Tammy.” She leaned back, for some reason reluctant to draw her gaze from that crumb on the floor, and turned her head to look at him. “I’ve heard about you from Clara. You helped her.”
She knew how Sheriff Ryder had done his part to hide Clara from Tammy’s father, Harris. Clara had spoken so highly of the sheriff that Tammy couldn’t possibly fear him.
Sheriff Ryder leaned forward, placing his elbows on his thighs, his body turned slightly in her direction. “Yep. You girls have been through a lot. I know that’s one hell of an understatement, but maybe that’s why you and Orion were drawn together.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s going through a lot himself. Tammy, I’m gonna tell you something about myself, and I want it to stay between us, okay? Then I’ll tell you what I know about Orion.”
“Okay.”
“My parents and I were never close, and my mother died when I was twenty-two of cirrhosis of the liver. It was hell in my house—manipulation, beatings, alcohol. Later on, Dad and I got along okay, but he died three years ago of a stroke. What I’m trying to say is, I understand what it’s like to come from a dysfunctional home, and I’ve been keeping an eye on Orion for some time. I didn’t at first, but when his health got worse, I started driving by the house more often, stopping by Pete’s Service Station just to…you know, check up on things.”
He paused for a long moment, and Tammy could see the struggle in his expression. She knew he was debating on whether or not to tell her, simply because it wasn’t his place. But when she waited, saying nothing, he forged on.
“What I’m trying to tell you is, this happened last year. I was driving by and I happened to see Orion walking along Main Street. All of a sudden, his head jerked as if somebody had done somethin’ to him. Strangest thing I’ve ever seen. When I pulled over and headed toward him, I saw his right eye all screwed up like today. He cried out, he was in so much pain. He’s a tough guy, Tammy. He even looks tough. But when that pain hits him, he can’t control himself. I think he loses who he is.”
“He calls it trigeminal neuralgia.” She was surprised she’d remembered how to pronounce it.
“Yep. From knowing him, I’ve learned a lot about it, but I wouldn’t have known otherwise. It’s supposed to be rare, and kids his age aren’t supposed to have it. He tells me a lot of young people have it, and there are still doctors who don’t know a lot about it. But he’s got it, and it’s bad. So, that’s what I meant when I stopped the car and told you this had happened before.”
“And…his home life isn’t good enough for him to go there?”
“That’s right. He admitted to me he’s had pain attacks in public, and he’s just managed to find a place to hide until it’s over, usually a friend’s house. It isn’t my place to talk about his home life, but…”
“You don’t think his parents understand.” She wiped away her tears, taking a deep shuddering breath.
Sheriff Ryder nodded. “I’m glad you’re looking out for him. But will you take some advice from a guy who grew up in a messy situation?”
“I…I guess.” She wanted to say no, to run. Her heart slammed against her ribcage like an animal fighting for escape. Instead, she froze. And listened.
“Be careful. I mean no disrespect, but you both come from dysfunctional homes. Growing up, I learned I was drawn to others who had chaotic lives, because chaos was all I understood. It was all I knew, so it was what I was comfortable with. Take care of each other, but find a way to work through your past until it doesn’t control you anymore.”
She couldn’t speak. Words stuck in her throat, refusing to come forth. She barely knew the sheriff, but he was one of the few people who knew what had happened to her. She didn’t talk about it. He became aware of it through Clara.
Before she could formulate a reply, Sheriff Ryan was called to the front desk by an ER nurse who had questions about Orion. She used those moments to calm herself, taking deep breaths.
When he returned, he sat and placed his hands on his thighs. “They’re giving Orion pain medication. He’ll be okay.”
They were silent for a few minutes until Tammy finally said, “What…what else…do you know about Orion?”
“He’ll have to be the one to tell you those things. Just give him time.”
“What things?”
“Everybody’s got secrets they’re kee
pin’, Tammy. They all come out, eventually. Don’t you worry. If he’s got secrets, he’ll tell you. I have a feeling he’d tell you anything.”
25
Chapter Twenty-Five
She was amazed that the sheriff stayed put the entire time, and when she asked him about it, he said his shift was over. Unless he was called in, he would remain until Orion was discharged to ensure he got home safely.
A nurse led Tammy to the small room off the ER where Orion lay. She stepped behind a curtain, and her heart broke when she saw him in the bed, appearing small and broken like a sick child. His mouth hung open, and she could hear his ragged breathing. An IV in his arm supplied medication. His right eye lay shut, his left eye open just a crack. At first, she thought he must be asleep.
“Orion,” the nurse said, her voice firm yet comforting. “Orion, how are you feeling?”
He shifted slightly on the bed, wincing, his face contorted into a visage that tore Tammy apart.
“P…pain,” he mumbled. “Hurts. Still hurts…so much.”
“Okay, let me give you another dose. Meanwhile, the anti-convulsant is fast-acting, so you should start to feel better soon, okay?”
He groaned in reply.
“Your girlfriend is here to see you,” the nurse said as she fussed with the IV. When she finished, she nodded to Tammy. “I’ll be right around the corner if you need me.”
When she’d gone, they found privacy through the curtain that separated the small area from the hallway beyond. Phones rang, people talked, and heels clicked on the floor beyond the fabric. Tammy focused on Orion, slipping her hand around his. His palm felt clammy. He peered at her through his hooded left eye. Alex’s rosary of light blue and lavender glass beads still hung from around his neck, the thick silver cross resting on his stomach.
“Orion,” she whispered.
“You…you look like you’re about to cry.” His voice emerged as a strangled murmur.