“I’m telling you that you’ve been through a lot of things—”
“A year ago. It happened a year ago,” she pointed out.
“And I don’t believe you’re thinking clearly right now—”
“Because I want to be your lover?”
“Yes.”
“So you’ve decided you know what’s best for me.”
“Right now I do. I’m not putting a hand on you,” he claimed, wondering how in the world he was going to manage that little miracle.
By remembering she was a virgin, he told himself.
God, how could she be a virgin at twenty-four?
“Josh, this makes no sense.”
“It does to me.”
He shoved his hand into his pockets, thinking they might be safe there. She was fuming, and he was…well, he was feeling decidedly uneasy, like a man in over his head. Or as if he’d gone wading in a nice shallow pond and his next step had him in water up to his neck, and he couldn’t imagine where the next step might take him.
She took a step toward him, and he had the ridiculous urge to take an answering step back. He’d never run from a woman in his life. She smiled as she came closer, and he stupidly held his ground. She’d already sent him fleeing from his own office once; he wasn’t going to do it again. She had him clumsy, burning his hand, slamming doors and now he was shouting at women. At her.
“You know something else?” she said, when they were nearly nose to nose.
“What?” he said, his gaze drawn to that alluring strip of bare skin left visible between the lapels of his jacket, which she wasn’t even trying to cover.
“I don’t think this is over. Not by a long shot,” she claimed. “Because I think you still want me. And I don’t think you’re going to be able to resist, not after what just happened here. I think you’ll be the one to come to your senses, and sooner or later we’ll finish this.”
Josh was still smarting the next morning from her parting shot. He was tired and cranky from lack of sleep, slightly hungover, because he’d had too much to drink, trying to drown out the memory of having her naked in his arms.
He couldn’t believe he’d turned noble all of a sudden. He’d waited so long for her, had all but convinced himself he would never have her, and then to have that too-brief taste of her, that glimpse of what it would be like, and then to find out once and for all that it would never, ever happen…
He still couldn’t believe she’d never done it, that no other man had ever done the things he’d done to her. No one had seen her that way, touched her that way. No one had brought her that kind of pleasure. He could be the one to introduce her to it all.
Josh swore. No way he was going to be the one.
Then he imagined her actually doing what she’d threatened—finding someone else. She wouldn’t, he told himself. Even as he said it, the idea of Amanda with another man was enough to have him slamming doors and storming from room to room like a madman. Thank goodness he was in his own apartment. There was no one but her to witness his little fit of temper.
It wasn’t helping that she had invaded his space so thoroughly. That he had to bring her back here last night and know she was curled up asleep in the next room while he reached for a bottle of scotch again. She’d been in his shower before that, and he’d wanted to be in there with her. He wanted to see her with the water streaming down her body. He wanted to taste her, everywhere, wanted desperately to be inside her, all the way, in a place where no man had ever been before. Josh groaned. Why in the world that would ever appeal to him, he couldn’t understand. The idea that there had never been anyone who’d touched her the way he had? That she would be his and his alone?
She hadn’t come out of the bedroom this morning, which meant he had to go get her. Josh poured himself a cup of coffee, then one for her, and knocked on the door. She called out for him to come in, and his frown intensified. He didn’t need to see her in a bed, not after last night.
He needed to find a way to forget the way she looked here, in the middle of all his things. How well she seemed to fit in and how unusually empty he feared it might be when she was gone. Josh never brought a woman here if he could help it. The ones he wanted to hustle out the door the next morning were always the ones who developed the annoying habit of wanting to stay.
But he’d enjoyed having her here, as crazy as it had made him, as difficult as it had been to keep his hands off her. There was something oddly cheerful about imagining coming back here and finding her here, about sitting across the breakfast table from her, drinking a strong cup of coffee and cooking something for her. He liked feeding her, he realized. He liked watching her eat, seeing her all warm and rumpled and sleepy. She looked absolutely adorable in the morning, and so sexy. He liked every damned thing about her except for the fact that he couldn’t have her.
Gritting his teeth, he walked into the bedroom. Damned if she wasn’t still lying in bed, three dented pillows around her, the sheet pulled up to her waist. She looked a bit lost and sad and so damned beautiful, wearing a delicate-looking, white pajama top, and, he hoped, a matching pair of pajama pants. Her hair was loose and spread out across the pillow. She stretched her arms and yawned, then she blinked up at him, oh, so innocently. Most of the women he knew would have run for the bathroom, for the shower and their makeup, rather than let him see them like this. Of course, most of them weren’t nearly as beautiful as Amanda.
“I brought you some coffee,” he said. “We need to go.”
“All right.” Her lashes came down. A faint blush rose in her cheeks.
He couldn’t help it. He thought about diving onto the bed, thought about waking up beside her, bringing her coffee in bed and then lingering there. He thought about a dozen different ways to take her, slowly, sweetly.
“I don’t suppose you’ve changed your mind…” she said tentatively.
“No,” he insisted.
She might want him on a physical level. She might need someone right now, but not him. She wasn’t the kind of woman who could have a physical relationship without her heart getting involved, as well. It just wasn’t in her nature. The two of them were as different as night and day, and nothing was going to change that. He thought he could take care of her for a while, make her happy again. But it wasn’t going to work in the long run. It was going to take a better man than he was.
“This is my fault,” he said. “All of it. I got you into this whole mess and then used it as an opportunity to get you into bed with me. And I convinced myself and nearly convinced you that it would be good for you.”
“I think it would,” she said sadly, all her bravado fading away.
Maybe because she knew what he was going to say. That it was over. Women always knew. Some of them cried, too. He couldn’t stand it when Amanda cried. And he wasn’t going to let himself touch her. Not again. He’d wanted her all these years and somehow done without her. He could do it again.
“I know what you need, Amanda. I’ve always known,” he said. “You know it, too. You said it last night. You were meant to be some lucky man’s wife, someone who’s going to come home to you every night and give you children, and spend the next fifty years with you. I knew all along I wouldn’t be that man.”
“I never thought you would be,” she insisted. “But it would be enough, Josh. Whatever we had together would be enough.”
“Not for a woman like you. You don’t need a lover right now, anyway. You were right about that. You just need a friend. You need someone to hold you in his arms and comfort you, while you put your life back together. You need someone who makes you feel safe, who can make you smile again.”
“I suppose I do.” She sighed. “Because it’s felt so good to have these last few days. The problem is, I can’t imagine that with anyone but you.”
Josh stood his ground. He’d made his choice, and he knew it was the right one. He wanted to be that man, the kind she needed, but he wasn’t.
Still, he found he could b
arely breathe, could barely speak. Deep inside, pain blossomed, spilling over into his chest, hot and pulsing and angry. But the bottom line was clear. Amanda and all of her feelings and her tender, bruised heart were much more important to him than anything he wanted or needed right now. Which meant he couldn’t waver on this.
“It wouldn’t be right,” he said. “I was kidding myself thinking this might be an even exchange. In thinking that anything I had to give you would be equally as important as what I want from you.”
“I never thought it would be equal, Josh. I always thought you’d give me so much more than I could give you.”
“Amanda,” he said, feeling his self-control slipping another notch at her generosity, at the faith she seemed to have in him. He didn’t need a woman putting her faith in him. “You and me… It’s not going to happen. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I took advantage of you, especially while you were going through such a hard time.”
“You didn’t, Josh. You helped me so much, and I’m grateful for that. For everything you’ve done.”
“And I appreciate everything about you,” he said. “I wish I could be the kind of man you need. I wish I could give you what you need.”
She stared up at him, tears flooding her eyes, running down her cheeks.
“Oh, hell,” he muttered, thinking this was goodbye. Surely he could put his hands on her one more time as he told her goodbye. He sat on the bed, cupped her chin in his hand and wiped away those tears. “It’s better this way.”
“Are you sure? Because it feels just awful.”
“That’ll go away in time.” He bent his head down to hers, his forehead against her brow, his hands cupping her cheeks. He was so close, heartbreakingly close. He had her soft, delicate skin beneath his hands, her tears wetting his fingers, her hands clutching at his arms, holding on to him. God, he just wanted to hold her, to make it all better, and there was so little he could do, so little he had to offer.
“Amanda, all we have to do is make it through another day or so, and this whole mess will be over. You can go back home, back to your regular job. You can put all of this behind you. Everything will be just the way it was before. You’ll see.”
“I didn’t like things the way they were,” she said, as if her heart was breaking, too. “And I’ll miss you, Josh.”
“I’ll still be your friend.” He dipped his head another inch, quickly covered her mouth with his, tasting her tears and all the sadness. “I’ll always be that. If you need me, I’ll be right here.”
“But it won’t be the same. I know it won’t.”
And then he got a little scared about how alone she seemed to be, how sad.
“Promise me something.” He was still holding her face in his hands. “If you ever need me, you call me. Anytime, okay?”
“If I need you to be my friend, right?”
Grimly, he nodded. “That’s the way it has to be.”
She frowned, hesitated, then asked, “Did you like being with me last night?”
“God, yes,” he muttered.
“I didn’t do anything…wrong?”
“You just picked the wrong man for the wrong reasons. That’s all.”
“Men seem to find it awfully easy to resist me. It’s not as though I’ve ever taken a vow of celibacy or anything. I mean, you were right, I always thought I would wait for the man I married. I always thought it would be something special. But I’m twenty-four years old. I’ve been engaged twice—”
“Twice?”
She nodded. “The first time to a boy I dated all through college. He decided a couple of weeks before our wedding that the woman he couldn’t keep his hands off was one of my best friends… Imagine that? I probably would have slept with him, if he’d ever really pushed the issue. But he didn’t, and neither did Rob, and I’m starting to think there’s something really wrong with me—”
“No.” He swore. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re beautiful and delicate and you taste so sweet. You’re soft and warm and generous, and I think very easily I could become addicted to the way you feel in my arms.”
“But you still don’t want me,” she said.
“No, I just won’t let myself have you. Believe me, there’s a difference.”
She nodded, tears filling her eyes, a brave smile on her face. God, she was killing him here.
“I can’t believe I’m being noble. I’m never noble when it comes to sex,” he said, self-deprecatingly. “This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I’d be awful for you in the long run. I’ve always known that. Marriage is just not something I’m ever going to do. Can you understand that?”
“No, I can’t. I’ve always believed I’ll get married someday. That I’ll have children. I can’t imagine my life without that.”
“Which is why we’re absolutely wrong for each other. Amanda, I would do anything in the world for you…”
“Except be my lover. Or my husband.”
He nodded. “Anything but that.”
“You can just forget? You can walk away and forget me. Just like all the others?”
He took a breath and forced himself to look into her eyes as he said, “I’ve done it a hundred times before.”
She flinched. “Of course.”
He looked at those tear-rimmed eyes of hers and cursed the day he ever went after her, the day he decided she needed him, too, which somehow justified him having her. He wondered if she would regret her relationship with him as much as she regretted her relationship with Rob Jansen.
“Dammit,” Josh said. “I really didn’t want to hurt you.”
Her chin came up. She forced a smile. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”
Josh wasn’t at all convinced. He would have someone watch over her, he told himself. Before he left for Europe, he would find the right person. He’d leave detailed instructions, make a few threats, as well. He certainly didn’t want anyone else taking advantage of her the way he had. She was vulnerable right now, needy. It would be so easy for some other man to take advantage of her. He would take care of it. He’d make sure she was okay.
She took a breath, let it out slowly and looked so damned fragile he thought a stiff wind could totally destroy her. Damn.
“So,” she said. “What’s going to happen next? With Rudy, I mean.”
“Rudy took an overnight flight to Paris last night. He should be there by now, and I’ll probably be there myself by this time tomorrow.” It was probably his only shot at sanity, the fact that they’d be thousands of miles apart by morning.
“Why would you follow him? He’s dangerous, Josh. You said so—”
“He’s the best connection we’ve got to the people out there peddling plutonium. We’ve got to find them, Amanda. We can’t leave that stuff on the open market.”
“Oh,” she said quietly. “What about me?” “We’ll have someone watch out for you until I get what I need from Rudy. But with both of us in Europe, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about. You’re done, Amanda,” he said. “If anybody from Dan Reese on down tries to talk you into doing anything else like this, you just flat-out refuse. And I’ll back you up.”
“You think they’ll ask me to do something else?”
“No, I just want you to be prepared.”
“For the best and the worst, right?”
“Yes.” And this was the best. Forcing her to get on with her life without him. It might be easier if she didn’t look so lost, so uncertain. If he didn’t have those nagging doubts about just how depressed she was about everything that had happened in the last year. If he still didn’t know quite how bad things had gotten before he came and dragged her out of her house and turned her life upside down.
She was all right, he told himself. He’d misjudged the situation completely. She’d never been in danger, not from herself. Still, he had to fight the urge to get a little closer, to reassure her.
Instead, he settled for saying simply, “You’re going to be
fine.”
“Of course,” she said, brushing her tears away, sitting there miserably in the middle of the rumpled bed.
He had to look away then, just had to. She’d gotten inside his skin, as if there was a spot in his arms made just for her, where she fit as no one else ever had. He itched to touch her one more time. To take what she’d so generously offered. Sex with no strings. It was supposed to be a man’s dream, not a nightmare.
Sex with Amanda. Something no one else had ever had.
It blew his mind just thinking about it.
Just a few more hours, and he’d be safely on a plane to Paris. By the time he got back, he’d have found a way to deal with this, a way to stay away. She might have even found someone else by then. So what if he felt absolutely murderous at the thought? He’d get over it, just like he’d get over her.
Josh rushed through the day—strategy sessions, intelligence reports, phone calls. He didn’t stop for a minute, because he already missed Amanda. He missed her like crazy, and if he’d had a second to spare, he would have gone to find her. By evening, he was on an overnight plane to Paris, with a connecting flight to Nice to take care of Rudy Olivara.
All he needed was for Rudy to think he was brokering a deal for Josh to buy the plutonium, which would lead Josh to whoever had it. From there, Division One would do whatever it had to do to confiscate it. That Rudy had come back to France worried Josh. He thought Rudy must have another potential buyer here, or that Rudy wanted Josh for some reason. Josh worried that this might be a trap, but at this point, he had no choice but to follow Rudy.
If he was lucky, it would take weeks to sort out the whole mess. By the time he was back in D.C., Amanda would be fine again, normal, happy.
He desperately needed for her to be happy, and in the end she wouldn’t be happy with him. He knew it. Which meant he’d done the right thing for once.
He settled into his seat in first class. Ten minutes after takeoff someone sat down next to him. A woman he supposed, trying to work up some inkling of enthusiasm for the prospect of meeting a new woman. He just couldn’t do it.
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