So he sat there with his eyes closed, his head resting in the corner against the window, and he must have had it bad for Amanda because he thought he could smell the perfume she normally used, something light and sweet that tended to curl up inside his head and linger long after she left a room.
Which meant he was losing it. He was about to absolutely lose his mind over a woman, something he’d never done before.
Curiosity got the better of him. He opened his eyes, glanced at the woman sitting next to him and thought for a minute his pathetically muddled brain had simply short-circuited altogether. He hadn’t had much sleep in the past few days, thanks to Amanda. Stress and prolonged lack of sleep could do just about anything to the human body, including bring on hallucinations. It was either that, or she was sitting right next to him. Looking quite pleased with herself.
“Hi,” she said tentatively.
“Hi?” he roared.
She flinched. “I really don’t remember you yelling before.”
“Hell, no, I didn’t yell.” He’d had a perfectly sane, manageable life before she came along. He’d been a perfectly reasonable man. Calm, rational, methodical, careful, despite the image he projected. “What in God’s name are you doing here?”
“Going to the South of France.”
“No,” he said. “No way.”
“I have a ticket.” She held it up, dared to smile a bit.
“No,” he repeated.
“You know, I said the same thing when you wanted to move in with me, and you didn’t listen to me then. I’m not listening to you now. I’m going.”
“You just decided to hop on a place and follow me to France?”
“No, Dan decided I should.”
Dumbfounded, Josh stared at her. “He wouldn’t.”
“He did. Right after you left the office, in fact. I guess he didn’t want to argue with you any more than I did.”
“Well that’s just too bad. Because he’s going to have to deal with me. I’m going to kill him.”
“Not now,” Amanda said. “It looks like Jamie’s going into labor. He’s not going to be talking to anyone but her for a while.”
Josh swore once again. “Is she okay?”
“Just a little uncertain. She’s not sure if this is the real thing. I guess it can be hard to tell with labor, especially with first babies. And it’s a little early.”
“A month early. That can’t be normal.”
“Unless the doctor miscalculated her due date. It happens, she said. She was actually pretty calm, but I wouldn’t want to get in Dan’s way right now.”
Josh stared at her as if he didn’t even know her. As if another woman had taken over her body and was impersonating her, just to drive him insane.
She dared to smile. “Everything’s going to be fine, Josh. I promise.”
“No, it’s not. You can’t be here.”
“Dan’s orders. Rudy called me,” she said. “He bought the mortgage on my house. No one’s going to foreclose now. At least, not as long as I do as he asks.”
“Dammit, you should have said something to me about that before.”
“What? Josh, please pay off my house? I think that goes a little beyond friendship.”
He glared at her, hating the thought of her being at anyone’s mercy, especially because of Rob Jansen. Josh had just learned yesterday, because of what Rudy said, that she’d been stuck with a house she could scarcely afford on her own, but was unable to sell it because Rob owned half of it, and his assets had been frozen. She’d been struggling with this on her own for a year and hadn’t said a word to anyone.
“You should have come to me,” he said. Money was nothing to him. He had more than he’d ever spend in his lifetime.
“It’s going to be fine. The investigation’s officially over. I should be able to sell it soon. After we’re done with Rudy, I suppose. In the meantime, he’s put me in his debt, and he intends to collect. He strongly suggested I get on a plane and come with you. So, here I am.”
“I don’t give a damn what he wants you to do—”
“Dan thought it was a good idea, too. He got some news right after you left. He said to tell you that when you check in tomorrow morning, he’ll have some information from you about— I can’t remember the name. Chyr—”
Chyrnen was trouble. A particularly nasty agent for a particularly aggressive little country in the Far East with too much money and too many enemies.
“Chyrnen?” he guessed.
“Yes. He seems to be much closer than you thought to finding…the material,” she said, looking around to make sure no one was listening. “Dan said you don’t have much time, maybe just a couple of days, before Chyrnen has it. Which means you have to move quickly with Rudy, and you need me.”
“Why? To tell Rudy about my travel plans? He’ll know that soon enough. I plan on seeing him tomorrow.”
“He already knows. Dan had me call him before I got on the plane.”
Fuming, Josh said, “So you’re going to tell him my every move? In hopes that we get some inside information on what he’s up to? Do you really think he’d tell you anything of value?”
“No. I’m going to tell him you know Chyrnen’s closer than anyone realized, which will hopefully make him more anxious to put you in touch with his suppliers, so you can get there first.”
Josh swore yet again. The stewardess was starting to look worried, as if she thought he was going to throw a fit anytime now. He bet if he tried to get a drink from her, the woman would refuse to serve him.
“All I have to do is talk to Rudy,” Amanda said. “I’m capable of having a conversation with the man. I’ve already proved that.”
“I can’t believe you’re in the middle of this. That you’re here.”
“I can hardly believe it myself. I’ve never been to France.”
“Amanda, this is not some grand adventure. It’s dangerous. It scares you, remember?”
“Not so much when you’re here with me.”
Blind faith, he thought. God save him from innocent women and their blind faith in him. “And if I’m not with you? What happens if I’m not there when you really need me?”
She must be braver than he thought, because she dared to reach out and touch him. She put one of those delicate hands of hers on the sleeve of his jacket and smiled up at him.
“You’ve always been there when I needed you. I think you’re the only one who even noticed how bad the last year’s been, the only one who cared enough to try to help me,” she said. “So I’m not worried at all, Josh.”
And with that she proceeded to push the armrest between their seats out of the way. She snuggled against his chest, her head in that spot she loved, right under his chin, as if she were turning in for the night.
“I’m really tired, Josh. Can we talk about this in the morning?”
“In the morning you’re getting on a plane and going right back to the States.”
“Want to bet?”
“No,” he said, sounding all surly and mean. “I don’t want to bet.”
“Good.” She said agreeably, then kissed him softly right above his heart, her lips searing through his shirt. “Can I sleep here? Do you mind?”
Josh shook his head and couldn’t quite stop his arms from encircling her, from locking around her and anchoring her to him in a near death grip.
“You’re trying to make me crazy, aren’t you?”
“Could I?” she said hopefully.
“Yes,” he admitted. “Dammit, yes. This is a plot, right? You and every other woman on earth, ganging up on me. Trying to punish me for every woman I ever walked away from.”
She eased away from him, just enough that she could look him in the eye. He thought for a minute she was going to lean down and kiss him, and then he would be lost for sure. It didn’t sound so bad now, he realized, to be utterly lost in Amanda. But she didn’t kiss him.
“You think I’m here to torment you?” She looked up at hi
m with those soulful brown eyes of hers and gave him one of the most serenely beautiful smiles he’d ever seen.
“Yes,” he admitted.
“And here I thought you’d come into my life to save me,” she said, slaying him. Absolutely slaying him.
He wanted to save her, from everything in this world that could hurt her, including himself. She had to know that he was the worst man in the world for her, the absolute wrong man.
Obviously, she didn’t. Because she snuggled back into that spot that must have been made for her, draped her gorgeous body against his and went to sleep in his arms.
Chapter 11
Josh woke the next afternoon to the delicious sensation of a warm, willing woman draped across his chest, a silky feminine thigh tucked between his own, an insistent ache in his groin. He was seconds away from rolling her over and nudging apart her thighs and slipping inside her, when something registered in his pitifully muddled brain. Something that said, much as he hated it, he had to open his eyes and think about this.
Oh, no, he thought without opening his eyes. Please, no.
But what he said was, “Amanda?”
“Hmm?”
He added something vile. Lately it seemed every other word that came out of his mouth was a curse of some kind. She frowned, then moved sensually against him, her thigh slipping between his, nudging against the hardness there.
“Do you always wake up like this?” she asked ever so innocently.
“When there’s a woman with her hands all over me, I do.”
“Any woman?”
“Any woman,” he lied.
“You knew exactly who I was,” she chastised him.
He swore yet again, grabbed her roving hands and held on to them. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’ve decided I like sleeping in the same bed with you, too.”
“You certainly don’t know how to stay on your side of it,” he grumbled.
It was a big bed. He thought that might save him somehow, after it became obvious they’d share a room—and a bed—at Rudy Olivara’s rented villa in Nice. Josh couldn’t let her stay alone, and Rudy thought they were lovers. There was no way to ask for separate rooms, just as there hadn’t been any way to talk anyone out of having Amanda along on this trip with him. He’d been livid when they’d walked in here and the full reality of sharing this space with her started to sink in. Although the room had been bugged, he’d disabled those. But he hadn’t been able to leave her side. Every time he rolled over, there she was, her body draped over his, behind his, in front of his, and she very nearly ended up beneath him, just moments ago.
“Sorry.” Little Miss Innocent blinked up at him. “I’m not used to sharing a bed. There must be an etiquette to this. Maybe you could explain it to me.”
“I couldn’t begin to. I don’t normally share. I get up and go home.”
“You don’t like sleeping with a woman?”
“Sleeping?” he grumbled. “No. Not particularly.”
“So if you and I were lovers, we wouldn’t sleep in the same bed? You wouldn’t want to wake up beside me every morning.”
She smiled up at him. The thin strap of her silk nightgown drifted down her shoulder. She didn’t look at all concerned. He gaped at her, thinking she couldn’t possibly be the same sweet, shy woman he’d always known.
“What are you doing, Amanda?”
“Taking advantage of the situation?” she suggested. “You would. You take advantage of every situation. Which makes me think it’s so odd that you won’t take advantage of me. Even when I ask nicely. Why is that, Josh?”
“Because I care about you,” he groaned.
“What are you scared of?”
“I’m not scared of anything, Amanda. I just don’t want all the complications that would come from having sex with you,” he said, deliberately trying to put it on a purely physical level. He could have sex with her, and it would feel good. His body would like hers a great deal, but that would be it. And afterward, he would feel very, very guilty, and she would have all sorts of regrets. He knew that.
“Go for the promises, Amanda,” he said softly. “For someone who can give you everything.”
Still, he couldn’t help but think of the things he’d like to give her, to show her. He imagined seeing her face when he slid inside of her, imagined all the pleasure he wanted to give her. Not just sexual. Everything. There were places he’d love to show her, a million different ways he’d like to spoil her. There was a whole world out there that she’d barely begun to explore. He wanted to show it to her, wanted to see it all again through her eyes. But he couldn’t.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t have it to give. Can you understand that? I don’t have it inside of me to give.”
“What’s not inside of you?” she asked. “Love? You’ve never loved anyone? Not in your whole life?”
“I like women. I enjoy them, but I don’t stay with them and I don’t love them.”
“Never?” she asked. “Not once in your whole life?”
“The only one I ever loved…” He closed his eyes, groaned. What the hell, he’d gone this far. A careful mix of truth and innuendo might work. To end this, he could do it. “I let her down, Amanda. I wasn’t there when she really needed me.”
“You made a mistake, you mean?”
“A man doesn’t get to make a mistake like that. Not with a woman he loves.”
“So, what happened? She couldn’t forgive you?”
“No. She forgave me. I couldn’t forgive myself.”
“So you walked away from her?”
“No. I took care of her, as best I could. But it was too late. The damage was done.”
“So…you’re still in love with her?”
He looked her right in the eyes and said, “Yes.”
“Oh.”
It was one of the saddest sounds he’d ever heard. He could feel her withdrawal from him completely, even though she didn’t move at all. He could feel the tension come into her limbs, feel the way she was bracing herself, too late, for the hurt he’d inflicted upon her.
Dammit, he thought. He had hurt her. He’d known, despite every time he’d sworn otherwise, that in the end he would hurt her.
“I’m sorry,” he said, knowing it was totally inadequate, fighting the urge to take her in his arms and comfort her, when he’d been the one to hurt her so badly. It made no sense, to deliberately hurt a woman like this and then want to try to take all that hurt away. He couldn’t. He’d have to leave that delicate task to some other man. That’s what he wanted for her, after all. An eminently more-suitable man.
This was the way to show her he wasn’t going to turn into Prince Charming and give her some ridiculous, happily-ever-after ending. Everyone knew there was no such thing as living happily ever after. Everyone knew that heartache was sure to follow. He thought he’d have to find another woman, flaunt the relationship right in front of Amanda. But it seemed the words would do it. It would end this once and for all, before things got any more complicated.
She’d be fine, Josh told himself as he stared up at the ceiling. They’d never even made love, and he wouldn’t touch her again. She’d get over him. In time, she would be glad it ended this way. She’d find someone else, and he would handle it.
Hopefully better than he was handling seeing her hurt this way. Because hurting her was the lowest thing he’d ever done.
“We’ve got work to do,” he said, because concentrating on work might well save him. “We’re going to find Rudy. You’re going to give him your little message, and then you’re done.”
“I understand,” she said.
“You’re going to find a public place to have your conversation. Don’t let him take you anyplace. And then you’re done. You’re getting on a plane out of here.”
“Okay.”
“It’s better this way, Amanda,” he insisted, simply unable to keep things from turning personal for more than a minute.
“Better for whom?”
“You,” he said.
“No it’s not,” she insisted. “Maybe it’s safer. Maybe it’s going to keep me from getting my heart broken, because you’re right. I do have a hard time keeping my silly, little heart out of this. But my heart’s been broken before, and I survived. I think my heart could even survive you and whatever it is you think you’re going to do to me.”
“I’m not willing to take that chance,” he said. Not with her delicate, battered heart. And then he couldn’t stop there. He couldn’t let it go. He found himself compelled to add, “And I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. And I’m not sorry about anything, except that you’re done with me, when we barely got started. And I’m going to take your advice. I’m going to learn to forgive myself for all those things I’ve done wrong, and I’m going to stop being so cautious and so careful. I’m going to take some chances. There are all these things I’ve always wanted to do, all these places I’ve wanted to see. My first trip to Paris, and we were there for all of an hour and a half. I’ve never even been out of the States. You probably can’t even imagine that.”
“No,” he said. He couldn’t. He’d been around the world several times before he was ten.
“I’ll be fine, Josh,” she insisted.
He wondered what it would take for him to believe she would be, wondered if he’d ever stop worrying about her or wanting her.
“So,” she said, “this woman? The one you still love so much. What happened to her? Do you still see her?”
He frowned, then admitted, “Not as often as I’d like.”
“She never married?”
His jaw tightened. He didn’t like misleading her like this. “No.”
“And there’s no one special in her life?”
“No.”
“So, why aren’t you with her? Why are you letting something that happened so long ago still stand in your way? Particularly if she’s forgiven you?”
“It’s not that simple,” he insisted, thinking he never should have started this. He should have found another way.
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