Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)

by Bierce, Ambrose

  “Very well,” said the Friend, “I will go with you. Lead on.”

  “Lead?” exclaimed the other. “What! I precede so great and illustrious a rat as you? No, indeed — after you, sir, after you.”

  Pleased with this great show of deference, the Friend went ahead, and, leaving the hole first, was caught by the Cat, who immediately trotted away with him. The other then went out unmolested.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Member and the Soap

  A Member of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was passing it by without recognition, but the Cake of Soap insisted on stopping and shaking hands. Thinking it might possibly be in the enjoyment of the elective franchise, he gave it a cordial and earnest grasp. On letting it go he observed that a portion of it adhered to his fingers, and running to a brook in great alarm he proceeded to wash it off. In doing so he necessarily got some on the other hand, and when he had finished washing, both were so white that he went to bed and sent for a physician.

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  Alarm and Pride

  “Good–Morning, my friend,” said Alarm to Pride; “how are you this morning?”

  “Very tired,” replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the wayside and mopping his steaming brow. “The politicians are wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with me, when they could as well use a stick.”

  Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:

  “It is pretty much the same way here. Instead of using an opera-glass they view the acts of their opponents with me!”

  As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were notified that they must go on duty again, for one of the political parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification meeting.

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  A Causeway

  A Rich Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of Knee~deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the mud.

  “Madam,” said a Policeman, “I cannot permit you to do that; you would soil your shoes and stockings.”

  “Oh, that is of no importance, really,” replied the Rich Woman, with a cheerful smile.

  “But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you observe, extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who crave the honour of having you walk upon them.”

  “In that case,” she said, seating herself in a doorway and unlocking her satchel, “I shall have to put on my rubber boots.”

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  Two in Trouble

  Meeting a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to beseech the President for an office, an idle Tramp accosted him and begged twenty~five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes.

  “Melancholy wreck,” said the Statesman, “what brought you to this state of degradation? Liquor, I suppose.”

  “I am temperate to the verge of absurdity,” replied the Tramp. “My foible was patriotism; I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying to serve my country. What ruined you?”

  “Indolence.”

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  The Witch’s Steed

  A Broomstick which had long served a witch as a steed complained of the nature of its employment, which it thought degrading.

  “Very well,” said the Witch, “I will give you work in which you will be associated with intellect — you will come in contact with brains. I shall present you to a housewife.”

  “What!” said the Broomstick, “do you consider the hands of a housewife intellectual?”

  “I referred,” said the Witch, “to the head of her good man.”

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  The All Dog

  A Lion seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous spectacle.

  “Who ever saw so small a beast?” he said.

  “It is very true,” said the Poodle, with austere dignity, “that I am small; but, sir, I beg to observe that I am all dog.”

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  The Farmer’s Friend

  A Great Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection with the Presidency and had introduced a bill into Congress requiring the Government to loan every voter all the money that he needed, on his personal security, was explaining to a Sunday-school at a railway station how much he had done for the country, when an angel looked down from Heaven and wept.

  “For example,” said the Great Philanthropist, watching the teardrops pattering in the dust, “these early rains are of incalculable advantage to the farmer.”

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  Physicians Two

  A Wicked Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician, who prescribed for him and went away. Then the Wicked Old Man sent for another Physician, saying nothing of the first, and an entirely different treatment was ordered. This continued for some weeks, the physicians visiting him on alternate days and treating him for two different disorders, with constantly enlarging doses of medicine and more and more rigorous nursing. But one day they accidently met at his bedside while he slept, and the truth coming out a violent quarrel ensued.

  “My good friends,” said the patient, awakened by the noise of the dispute, and apprehending the cause of it, “pray be more reasonable. If I could for weeks endure you both, can you not for a little while endure each other? I have been well for ten days, but have remained in bed in the hope of gaining by repose the strength that would justify me in taking your medicines. So far I have touched none of it.”

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  The Overlooked Factor

  A Man that owned a fine Dog, and by a careful selection of its mate had bred a number of animals but a little lower than the angels, fell in love with his washerwoman, married her, and reared a family of dolts.

  “Alas!” he exclaimed, contemplating the melancholy result, “had I but chosen a mate for myself with half the care that I did for my Dog I should now be a proud and happy father.”

  “I’m not so sure of that,” said the Dog, overhearing the lament. “There’s a difference, certainly, between your whelps and mine, but I venture to flatter myself that it is not due altogether to the mothers. You and I are not entirely alike ourselves.”

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  A Racial Parallel

  Some White Christians engaged in driving Chinese Heathens out of an American town found a newspaper published in Peking in the Chinese tongue, and compelled one of their victims to translate an editorial. It turned out to be an appeal to the people of the Province of Pang Ki to drive the foreign devils out of the country and burn their dwellings and churches. At this evidence of Mongolian barbarity the White Christians were so greatly incensed that they carried out their original design.

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  The Honest Cadi

  A Robber who had plundered a Merchant of one thousand pieces of gold was taken before the Cadi, who asked him if he had anything to say why he should not be decapitated.

  “Your Honour,” said the Robber, “I could do no otherwise than take the money, for Allah made me that way.”

  “Your defence is ingenious and sound,” said the Cadi, “and I must acquit you of criminality. Unfortunately, Allah has made me so that I must also take off your head — unless,” he added, thoughtfully, “you offer me half of the gold; for He made me weak under temptation.”

  Thereupon the Robber put five hundred pieces of gold into the Cadi’s hand.

  “Good,” said the Cadi. “I shall now remove but one half your head. To show my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half you talk with.”

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  The Kangaroo and the Zebra

  A Kangaroo hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed in her pouch met a
Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention upon himself, said:

  “Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the penitentiary.”

  “Appearances are deceitful,” replied the Zebra, smiling in the consciousness of a more insupportable wit, “or I should have to think that you had come out of the Legislature.”

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  A Matter of Method

  A Philosopher seeing a Fool beating his Donkey, said:

  “Abstain, my son, abstain, I implore. Those who resort to violence shall suffer from violence.”

  “That,” said the Fool, diligently belabouring the animal, “is what I’m trying to teach this beast — which has kicked me.”

  “Doubtless,” said the Philosopher to himself, as he walked away, “the wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours, but they really do seem to have a more impressive way of imparting it.”

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  The Man of Principle

  During a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed a Man of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich, which had drawn itself up to its full height to sleep.

  “Why, my dear sir,” said the Keeper, “if you fear to get wet, you’d better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo — the Saltarix mackintosha — for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you to death in a minute.”

  “I can’t help that,” the Man of Principle replied, with that lofty scorn of practical considerations distinguishing his species. “He may kick me to death if he wish, but until he does he shall give me shelter from the storm. He has swallowed my umbrella.”

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  The Returned Californian

  A Man was hanged by the neck until he was dead.

  “Whence do you come?” Saint Peter asked when the Man presented himself at the gate of Heaven.

  “From California,” replied the applicant.

  “Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings.”

  When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum-tablet and made the following entry:

  “February 16, 1893. California occupied by the Christians.”

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  The Compassionate Physician

  A Kind–Hearted Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient afflicted with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise behind him, and turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of a wounded mouse to drag itself out of the room.

  “You cruel beast!” cried he. “Why don’t you kill it at once, like a lady?”

  Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head. Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-hearted Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a nutrient, and went away.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  Two of the Damned

  Two Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon.

  “I wish you a merry Christmas,” said the First Blighted Being, in a voice like that of a singing tomb.

  “And I you a happy New Year,” responded the Second Blighted Being, with the accent of a penitent accordeon.

  They then fell upon each other’s neck and wept scalding rills down each other’s spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of Ineffable Bosh. For one of these accursed creatures was the First of January, and the other the Twenty-fifth of December.

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  The Austere Governor

  A Governor visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to pardon him.

  “What are you in for?” asked the Governor.

  “I held a high office,” the Convict humbly replied, “and sold subordinate appointments.”

  “Then I decline to interfere,” said the Governor, with asperity; “a man who abuses his office by making it serve a private end and purvey a personal advantage is unfit to be free. By the way, Mr. Warden,” he added to that official, as the Convict slunk away, “in appointing you to this position, I was given to understand that your friends could make the Shikane county delegation to the next State convention solid for — for the present Administration. Was I rightly informed?”

  “You were, sir.”

  “Very well, then, I will bid you good-day. Please be so good as to appoint my nephew Night Chaplain and Reminder of Mothers and Sisters.”

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  Religions of Error

  Hearing a sound of strife, a Christian in the Orient asked his Dragoman the cause of it.

  “The Buddhists are cutting Mohammedan throats,” the Dragoman replied, with oriental composure.

  “I did not know,” remarked the Christian, with scientific interest, “that that would make so much noise.”

  “The Mohammedans are cutting Buddhist throats, too,” added the Dragoman.

  “It is astonishing,” mused the Christian, “how violent and how general are religious animosities. Everywhere in the world the devotees of each local faith abhor the devotees of every other, and abstain from murder only so long as they dare not commit it. And the strangest thing about it is that all religions are erroneous and mischievous excepting mine. Mine, thank God, is true and benign.”

  So saying he visibly smugged and went off to telegraph for a brigade of cutthroats to protect Christian interests.

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  The Penitent Elector

  A Person belonging to the Society for Passing Resolutions of Respect for the Memory of Deceased Members having died received the customary attention.

  “Good Heavens!” exclaimed a Sovereign Elector, on hearing the resolutions read, “what a loss to the nation! And to think that I once voted against that angel for Inspector of Gate-latches in Public Squares!”

  In remorse the Sovereign Elector deprived himself of political influence by learning to read.

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  The Tail of the Sphinx

  A Dog of a taciturn disposition said to his Tail:

  “Whenever I am angry, you rise and bristle; when I am pleased, you wag; when I am alarmed, you tuck yourself in out of danger. You are too mercurial — you disclose all my emotions. My notion is that tails are given to conceal thought. It is my dearest ambition to be as impassive as the Sphinx.”

  “My friend, you must recognise the laws and limitations of your being,” replied the Tail, with flexions appropriate to the sentiments uttered, “and try to be great some other way. The Sphinx has one hundred and fifty qualifications for impassiveness which you lack.”

  “What are they?” the Dog asked.

  “One hundred and forty-nine tons of sand on her tail.”

  “And — ?”

  “A stone tail.”

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  A Prophet of Evil

  An Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust saw a Man Leaning on a Spade, and asked him why he was not at work.

  “Because,” said the Man Leaning on a Spade, “I belong to the Gravediggers’ National Extortion Society, and we have decided to limit the production of graves and get more money for the reduced output. We have a corner in graves and propose to work it to the best advantage.”

  “My friend,” said the Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust, “this is a most hateful and injurious scheme. If people cannot be assured of graves, I fear they will no longer die, and the best interests of civilisation will wither like a frosted leaf.”

  And blowing his eyes upon his handkerchief, he walked away lamenting.

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  The Crew of the Life-boat

  The Gallant Crew at a life-saving station were about to launch their life~boat for a spin along the coast when they dis
covered, but a little distance away, a capsized vessel with a dozen men clinging to her keel.

  “We are fortunate,” said the Gallant Crew, “to have seen that in time. Our fate might have been the same as theirs.”

  So they hauled the life-boat back into its house, and were spared to the service of their country.

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  A Treaty of Peace

  Through massacres of each other’s citizens China and the United States had been four times plunged into devastating wars, when, in the year 1994, arose a Philosopher in Madagascar, who laid before the Governments of the two distracted countries the following modus vivendi:

  “Massacres are to be sternly forbidden as heretofore; but any citizen or subject of either country disobeying the injunction is to detach the scalps of all persons massacred and deposit them with a local officer designated to receive and preserve them and sworn to keep and render a true account thereof. At the conclusion of each massacre in either country, or as soon thereafter as practicable, or at stated regular periods, as may be provided by treaty, there shall be an exchange of scalps between the two Governments, scalp for scalp, without regard to sex or age; the Government having the greatest number is to be taxed on the excess at the rate of $1000 a scalp, and the other Government credited with the amount. Once in every decade there shall be a general settlement, when the balance due shall be paid to the creditor nation in Mexican dollars.”