Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)

by Bierce, Ambrose

  Patrick Henry he said: “Give me liberty or treat me mighty well in jail,” but George Washington he waved his big sticker and shouted the bottle cry of fredoml

  EPHALENTS

  EPHALENTS is the biggest thing in the world, and it has got a proboscus with a hole through it. Some times the eph it gets its proboscus full of muddy water and blows it sky high and would put out a fire if there was one. The eph he has got a ear like the star spangle banner, but he cant wave it oer the home of the brave. Billy he says once a man put his head in a ephalents mouth, but their teeth is outside, so the feller which didnt was braver.

  The ephs proboscus is its nose, and old Gaffer Peters has a long one too. One night old Gaffer was to our house and his shadow was on the wall, and Uncle Ned he said for him to sit still and he would draw his profile. So Uncle Ned drew it on the wall, and made the nose about a foot long, you never seen such a nose! My father he said: “What a strikin likeness, I would have knew it with my eyes shut,” but old Gaffer he didnt say nothing. But pretty soon he pulled out his hankchef and blew his nose, and said: “I got a mighty bad cold.”

  Bime by he blew it again and said: “This cold of mine is a goin to carry me to my grave.”

  After a while he blew it some more and said: “What a dredfull swell up nose a bad cold gives a man in this gum dasted climate !” Mister Gipple he says that one time in Mully Gatawny there was a battle be tween the wites and the natif niggers, and the wites licked. Then the wite general he said to his mahoot, which is the feller which rides a ephalent and jabs its ears: “Here, Kibosh, you take your quadped and ride over the battle field and count the slained and the wounded of the enemy, never mind ourn. I want to make a roarin good report to the Govment. You will have to be mighty careful or you will miss some of them.”

  The mahoot he said: “Yessir, my eph is mighty sharp sighted with his feets.”

  Late in the evenin the mahoot came a jabbin his eph up to head quarter, and the poor thing was so tired that it wobbled, and its feet and laigs was red, like they was painted. The gen he said: “Kibosh, I fear there was a accdent to some poor feller. Didnt I tell you that menaggery of yourn would have to be careful about steppin on the wounded?”

  Ki he sed: “Yessir, so he was, sir, I dont think he missed a single nigger.”

  The general, which was a good man, was awful shocked, and he wrote in his report: “I am sorry for to have to add that after the battle all of the wounded natifs, bein exposed to the open air, was atacked by a disease pecular to this climate, and phisicians was in vain. This scurge of the tropics is known as elphantiasis, or flatty degeneration of the chest. Make me a duke.”

  But the Bible it says we are all worms of the dust where there is any dust for to be a worm of.

  A other time Mister Gipple said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about the great king of Googum? I was in Googum when he died, and I asked the Prime Minister and the High Priest might I make a few remarks at the grave. The Prime said he guessed it would be all right if I wouldnt take up a colection, and the High said he would be mighty glad if I would relieve him of a sacred duty, cause he wanted to go a fishin. So on the day of the funeral I went to the grave. Johnny, you have frequent saw in the news papers a large audience discribed as ‘a sea of up turned faces.’ It was that way there. But, Johnny, the up turned faces was all detatched from their respective bodies!

  “Bime by the Prime came. I swallered my feel as well as I could and said: i I spose this is the custom of the country.’. a The Prime he said: ‘Yes, when the king dies we try for to make it a occasion of public sorry.’

  “Then I said: ‘Where is my audience?’ “The Prime he said: ‘Ime him.’

  “I said: ‘How about the mourners?’

  “The Prime he said: ‘All them which we could catch are here, exceptin the public executor, which is tired and has gone home lie fetch him if you would like to make his acquaint.’

  “I thought a while, then I said: ‘No, dont deprive him of his much needed rest. I met him in Illinoy.’

  “Then the Prime looked at his watch and said: i It is time for you to begin the remarks.’

  “Then I rose my self up to my full highness and looked him in the eye, like I was a eagle, and said: ‘The only remarks which I feel inspired for to make is that of all the gum dastcd galoots and cantankers that I ever met you are the head center, the xtreme limit, the farthest north! If I had had you over in New Jersey, where your cries couldnt be heard up at the mercy seat, Ide lambaste you til your unbelievin soul would quit its tennement of mud and fly to evils that it knows not of!’

  “Then, Johnny, I departed out of that place of wrath and tears by leaps and bounds and came back to the land of the free, where a feller which behaves hisself neednt hold his head on with both hands, where the Repubcan party scatters peace and plenty of offices oer a smilin land, and where if the Presdent was to die every day of his life a other would be elected without sacrificial rites.”

  But if the public xecutor would come for to cut my head off cause the king died I would cleave him into twain!

  THE TOOTSY WOOTSY

  UNCLE NED he said: “Johnny, you have wrote about all the other quadpeds which roam the plain, but I guess you have forgot the tootsy wootsy.”

  I said what was it like, and Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “It isnt like any thing which is on the earth, or in the heavens under the earth, or in the whisky and water which is all over the earth, but jest get your pencil and write what I say about it, for I have been in Pattigony and seen it in its natif wild.”

  So Uncle Ned he lit his pipe and laid the blazin match real careful on Mose which is the cats back, which springed away like he was shot out of a gun, and said, Uncle Ned did: “The tootsy wootsy is found in many lands, for it is mighty audible and you cant miss it.”

  I said: “Is it a animal, or a bird, or a fish, or only jest a inseck?”

  Uncle Ned he said: “It is in a class by it self, though it is some like all them fellers, and snakes too. The color of the tootsy is unknown to science, for, as Shakspeare says, it is subdude to what it works in, which is mostly dirt. When it is washed with hydrate of soap it is fire red from xertion and howl. It is a domesticle beast, same as the hi potamus, and roars like distant thunder. You will naturally want to know what it lives on, and that is the most singlar thing, cause it hasnt got much teeth, as a general rule, yet it is a beast of prey. Every thing which it can catch goes in to its mouth, and it is frequent pizened.

  “The tootsy wootsy doesnt live to a great age, like the ephalent, the turtle and the testator, but when 3 or 4 summers has past over its head it changes from a quaderped into a brat.”

  I said what was brats, and he said: li A brat, my boy, is the frog of which the tootsy is the tad pole, or polly wog.”

  Then I asked him did the toot drop its tail, like the wog, and he said: “I cant jest recollect whether it has a tail or not, but if it has I guess it better drop it, cause when it becomes a brat its mother, which is a great imitator of yuman being’s will wear it off with her palm.”

  Then I said: “If I met a tootsy wootsy I would draw my big sword and cut its head off, and smash the spine of its back, and holler hooray!”

  Uncle Ned he said: “Yes, I know you would, cause you are brave like soldiers, but jest now I guess you better go and wipe Frankys nose and slick him up a bit, poor little feller, cause his father is a comin home pretty soon, and we will give him the supprise of his life.”

  So I washed Franky up, real nice and white, which howled, and Uncle Ned corned his hair. Bime by my father he come in, and while he was a takin off his over coat he see Franky and stopped with it half off. He looked a while and then he took the over coat the other half off and hung it up and came back and said: “That child looks quite a little like our Franky, doesnt it, Edard? Whose is he?”

  GRASS HOPPERS

  MISTER GIPPLE he says in Africa the natif niggers eats nothing only but just grass hoppers, and one time a nig he see a h
opper sittin on a stone, with its feets pulled in, all ready for to jump. The natif nigger he smiled sad, like a hi potamus, and said: “How mournful to think that fellers which is like 2 brothers should distrust one a other jest cause I am a nigger, which has a black skin, how can I help that?”

  But the hopper it wiggled one whisker, much as to say: “It isnt the color of your skin, old man, but the un neighborly way which you have of tuckin it out.”

  Bildad, thats the new dog, was sick one day and et a blade of grass for to make hisself throw it up, but there was a hopper on the grass and before Bildad chewed it he noticed that some thing was the matter and he opened his mouth again and stood real still for to see what would happen, but the hopper it kept a jumpin in Bildads mouth. Then he started in and shook his head so fast you couldnt see it, but it was no use. Pretty soon he stopped to see if it was all right, but it wasnt. Then he got down on his knees and rubbed his hed on the ground, first on one side and then on the other, and my father he spoke up and said, fore he thought: “Look at that dog a stroppin his razor!”

  The Bible it says awful things will happen to them which eats grass like Nebbicudnezer. I asked Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, what was the awfulest thing which ever happened to him. Jack he thought a while and then he said, Jack did:

  “Johnny, a feller which his life is on the ocean wave has a lot of blood cuddling adventers that he hasnt got time for to classify accordin to their awfulness, and maybe I am mistook in thinkin that the one which I am about to relate is the limit, but it made me stop follerin the sea and stay home for to help my father in the meat shop.

  “One time I was on a ship which was casted away, and I was the only man which wasnt drownded, cause I had stole the boat. The wind it blew me right toward a great wall of rock where I knew I would be smashed to frogments, but Provdence, which watches over good men, directed the boat into a cave, where the water was smooth. I couldnt row out and if I stayed there I would starve, so I jest pulled further in. But the cave didnt have no end, and it was pitch dark. I kept on rowing for many days, maybe, till I see a light, and bime by I came out into a open sea again. The wall of rock was jest like it was on the other side where I went in, and seein that I couldnt climb it I steered for a island which I seen in the offing, and there I set my feets on tera firmly once more.

  “After offerin up thanks to the god of that country and makin a bountiful repast off a dead fish which lay on the beach describin itself with great loquacity in the language of flowers, I started inland for to find the natif niggers, but pretty soon I seen a sailor which had sea weed in his hair and eyes like them of the fish which I had et. I said: ‘Hello, shipmate, what country is this?’

  “The feller he stared at me a long time out of his fish eyes, real spooky, and bime by he said: ‘This is the Land of Drownded Sailors.’

  “Then I seen about a thousand million drownded sailors which I hadnt noticed, some like him and some worse. They all had sea weed in their hair and eyes like hisn, but some was black and some was yellow and some was white and some was French, and they all wore the clothes they was drownded in. They didnt say much, but they spoke in every tongue which is known to man, and Dutch too. Some was a playin cards, and some was a splicin ropes, and some was makin believe to scrub the decks, and some was a tattooin the others arms, and some was a carvin pictures on walrus teeths, and some was a fightin mity solemn to inattentive audiences, and every thing which sailor men do for to pass the time. When they see me they all knocked off work and arose up as one man and crowded around me and pointed their fingers at me, unmovin, like I was a show! And that is the awfulest thing which has ever befel me except bein born.”

  I asked Jack what did he do for to escape. Just then Uncle Ned, which had come in and heard the last part of the story, he spoke up and said, Uncle Ned did: “Johnny, you will have to excuse the witness, for he cant be compelled to say any thing which will disgrace him, so I will jest answer that question my own self. He escaped from them terrible fellers by lyin down and sleepin it off.”

  DOMESTICAL HENS

  HENS is good to eat, but not the old he ones, which is a fighter. They lay eggs and cackle. Some boys can cackle as good as a hen, but no eggs. Hens dont lay eggs on Sunday, but the minister he preaches. Billy says if the hens didnt lay eggs they would bust and if the minister didnt preach he would be sick. Our old hen she wanted for to set, but father he didnt, so he boiled a egg real hot and laid it in her nest. She went and straddled it and looked up at father like he was a fool. Then she shaked her self together and shut up her eyes and settled down to her work, much as to say: “You see I am a havin my way about this thing.”

  But pretty soon she gave a awful squok and jumped up and run round and round, like her head was cut off and she couldnt see her way. After that she was so afraid of eggs that when she couldnt help layin one she would run and fly, and some times the egg was lain in one place and some times it wasnt. One time she laid it on the roof of the church and it rolled off and busted on a toomb stone close to where my father stood a talkin to old Gaffer Peters. Old Gaffer he looked up to the weather cock on the steeple and shook his head and said: “Ive been agin that dam thing from the first.” Mister Gipple he says a boy found some owl eggs and put them under a settin hen, cause they wasnt good for to suck. When they was hatched the old hen was mighty proud of them, like my mother is of Franky, thats the baby, but Mary, thats the house maid, she likes the butcher boy which brings the meat. One day the old rooster he said to the old hen: “Did you ever take notice what eyes them chicks of yourn has?”

  The old hen she said: “Yes, they look so wise I am afraid they arent long for this world, poor darlings.”

  The old rooster he shook his head and went away, but a other day he come back and said: “Them gum dasted chickens of yourn, which aint long for this world, are playin the old Nick while they stay. They jest now piled on to the yellow leg pullet and et her up in a minute, poor darlings.”

  The hen she thought a while, and then she said: “Thats a mighty good disposition for them to have, for they will protect me from owls.”

  Then a other hen she spoke up and said: “Judgin from the looks of some folkses chicks I guess they aint so fraid of owls as they make believe.”

  But if I couldnt tell a better story than that I would teach school.

  One day a feller a plantin potatoes see a hawk a sittin on a hens nest and there was lots of feathers around, like a pillow had broke open. The feller he looked at the hawk a while, and then he said: “Well, lie be gam doodled! You will make a nice mother for a brood of young chickens, wont you?” The hawk he said: “Well, what kind of a mother be you for a field of new potatoes?” Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, he says it was mighty thoughtful in the Creator to provide chickens for the hawks, but Uncle Ned he says it wasnt quite so thoughtful in him to provide hawks for the chickens. One night when Mister Jonnice stayed to our house he hung his wood leg on the knob of his bed room door, out side, for to have fun with Mary, thats the house maid, cause his wood leg looks just like it was a meat one, only whiter. In the morning Mary she came to my mother and said: “O, if you please, mam, I guess the gent which slept in the spare room cant get his door open, cause he is a comin out through the key hole.”

  A other time when Mister Jonnice was to our house Missis Doppy was here too, which has got the red head, you never seen any thing so red. When she had gone home Mister Jonnice he said: “If I was that womans husband Ide use her head for the parlor fier.” Then Missy, thats my sister, she spoke up and said: “I suppose you would use your leg for a back log.”

  One day Missis Doppy was here and stayed a long time, and bime by she went in my mothers bed room and was a combin her hair. Uncle Ned past the door and looked in, and then he came down stairs and said: “I guess she is a firin up to be off, I seen her a rakin out the cinders.”

  Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says it is wicked to make fun of folkses miss fortunes, cause it is all for
some wise purpose, and Uncle Ned he says yes, and Missis Doppys head is a mighty conspicus instance and a shiny xample.

  Hens is some time stole, and one time some wicked fellers which was in jail they kept a breakin out at night and stealin hens. So the man which kept the jail he said he would put a stop to that, and he had a other coat of paint put on the jail for to make it stronger. But the painter had put salt in the paint and the cows licked it off and the fellers broke out a again and stole more hens. That made the jail man mad and he said: “This aint no place for thiefs, and you fellers has got to behave your selfs or lie put you out of here and you will have to rustle round for your livin the best way you can.”

  Roosters crow, but when there isnt any rooster the old hen she crows for to teach the little fellers how. But such crowinl — just like a sufferget hollerin hip, hip, hooray! My father he said to Mister Gipple, my father did: “I guess you and Johnnys Uncle Edard is mighty hard worked a tryin to see which can tell him the biggest lie. Maybe you better give your selfs a good long rest.” Mister Gipple he thought a while and then he said: “May I tell him jest one about my marriage in Africa, cause it is true?”

  My father he said: “O, you be dratted, I have knew Missis Gip ever since she was a little feller, and I know you married her in Illinoy.”

  Mister Gipple said: “I hope to die if it isnt so, jest as I said.”

  Then my father he said: “All right, you may tell him, but I dont want to hear it, so lie read this news paper.”

  So Mister Gipple told me for to come closer, so as not to interupt a man which was readin, and father he took out his spetacles and wiped them real careful, and put them on his nose, and begun for to read the paper just like he had never saw a other paper, only but just that one. Then Mister Gipple he said: li Johnny, one time while I was a missionary preacher in Africa I was mighty lonely and said to the king of the natif niggers: ‘All you fellers is married, but I havnt got any, cause she is in Illinoy. Spose you let me have a wife too.’