No sooner had I realized that I was bleeding, when everything faded to black.
10
Black
I went to several different hospitals trying to find Brian. With each stop, I felt sicker and sicker, thinking the worst had happened. Meanwhile, I called the police stations, searching for information but they wouldn’t tell me anything. That’s when I started thinking like a lawyer. When I arrived at a downtown hospital, I saw a group of officers out front, posted up and talking among themselves; I knew I was in the right place.
I ran through the emergency room, not stopping to ask for permission. My shoes squeaked on the polished linoleum floor as I dashed from room to room looking for Brian when a nurse finally stopped me.
“Ma’am you can’t be back here.”
“Hi, I’m looking for Brian McGwire.” I searched for the right words. “He is an officer...officer Brian McGwire.”
“And you are?” the nurse asked, looking me up and down. A black woman looking for a police officer wasn’t the most popular thing right now.
“I’m right here.” I heard his voice! Looking up, I saw Brian walking out of a treatment room, limping awkwardly on a pair of crutches.
My brain finally came out of my feet and resumed its place in my chest.
“Oh my God. I thought you were...”
“Dead...naw, takes more than that to drag this big ox down.” He laughed, pounding his chest like a caveman. His pants were cut and a bandage encircled his leg. He had a few scratches on his face but besides those and the crutches, he looked fine.
I hugged him so tightly that his crutches crashed to the floor. Every pent up emotion came pouring out as I recounted my night to Brian.
“I saw you on television, guarding that man.” I was crying. I didn’t mean to, but thinking about Brian getting hurt and killed in the street frightened me. A few officers gawked back at us. Through my teary eyes I saw their looks of disgust and Brian noticed it too.
“C’mon. Let’s get out of here.” We walked together until we were out of the emergency room and into the lobby where we could talk.
“Aww, you were thinking about me?” He kissed me, right there in front of everybody. I wasn’t a fan of public displays of affection but I kissed him back, planting my lips firmly on his as we stood near the receptionist desk.
“ALICIA!”
My name echoed in my head. Whipping around, I saw my worst nightmare.
My father! He was standing right there in the emergency room area with his mouth nearly on the floor.
“Dad.”
“So this is what you do?” I had no words with him stepping closer looking back and forth from Brian to me.
“Mister Morris Sir, it’s nice to meet you.” Brian extended his hand but my Dad didn’t return the formality.
“Didn’t I ask you a specific question this morning?” I felt like a kid again, my father chastising me in front of dozens of unknown people.
“Yes, you did…”
“And what did you say?”
“Dad...do we have to do this here?”
“Hell yes we do. A boy has died at the hands of one of these...monsters… and now you want to jump in bed with one of them?” I felt so small and insignificant with every word that he said.
“Dad…”
“Dad nothing dammit. I can’t believe you lied to me.” He was really hurt, I could tell and the people behind him looked at me like they had lasers in their eyes.
“I tell you what. At the end of the semester you are cut off. I’m done with you. Get the hell out of that loft and find someone else to pay for your degree.” He turned away from me like I was discarded trash.
“WAIT...Dad. Talk to me...Hold on.” I ran after him outside, trying to catch up, but he wouldn’t stop to even look at me.
“Babe...I’m sorry. I…” Brian was behind me, lurching on his crutches but it wasn’t his fault. I knew my dad would be pissed, his disdain for white people ran deep, in to some things that I didn’t even know about. Momma used to say he hated them, but she never said why.
“I just...I just can’t” I watched him get into a car and drive away, not even bothering to look at me. “What do I do?” I asked Brian with tears in my eyes, and streaming down my face. My hands began shaking uncontrollably. Panic attack land was upon me and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
“Everything I’ve worked for…” Brian handed his crutches to someone and grabbed me, pulling me into his chest and wrapping his arms around me. I wasn’t sure what to do but all I knew was right now, Brian was all I had.
11
Blue
I wanted to help Alicia but after talking it out I came to the quick conclusion that the issue was her Dad, not her. Understandably, he didn’t like police and I’m sure he had issues with white people, but to go so far as disowning his daughter, that just wasn’t right.
At that moment in front of the hospital, holding her while she cried, her body shaking and her face puffy, I turned from a man that got shot into a caring boyfriend.
It still felt funny saying that, calling myself her boyfriend, but that’s who I was now. I made it official that night telling her that I would stick by her side as long as she would have me.
After I got her home and calmed her down she told me about her childhood; how her mom passed and her Dad became distant. She had worked her ass off in school to gain his attention but he was too busy riding around the U.S., fighting everyone else’s problems but his own.
I woke up the next morning, having a little time before class and I wanted to do something to help her.
St. Louis wasn’t that big, so her Dad would be easy to find. I felt like I just needed a few minutes with him to apologize and explain how much his daughter depended on him.
That left me sipping on a water, in a restaurant bar, waiting for Mr. Morris to arrive. On his website, it stated that he was going to hold a luncheon here, so I thought I would catch him and maybe discuss things about Alicia and hopefully smooth things over.
Spotting him enter the room, I waited until he was finished talking to a few people before I hobbled over for my chance to speak with him. I wasn’t on those damn crutches anymore but I still had a little bit of pain in my leg.
“Dr. Morris.” His face went from a smile to flat when he saw me.
“Yes officer. What can I do for you?”
“But how did you know?”
“I know you…”
“But how?” I didn’t think he gave me a second look that night.
“You talk like a cop, smell like one and you look like one.” I wasn’t sure whether to be insulted or laugh. But I left my sarcastic shit in the car. I was here to talk man to man with the father of the woman I lo… not the “L” word. It was too early for that. But the woman I was interested in.
“Like I said. What can I do for you officer?” He looked pissed; his arms crossed as he stood in front of me.
“I’m just here to speak to you about Alicia?”
“What about my daughter?”
“I just want to let you know that… she feels horrible.”
“She should.” I disagreed with that. Cracking my neck, I tried to keep my cool while talking with him.
“But you see, she is a good person and I think if you both just talk…”
“I know who my daughter is. How dare you come to me and act as if you can tell me about someone I brought into this world?” I was starting to think this was a mistake.
“Sir, with all due respect, I’m just trying to help.” He laughed at that, turning to a woman at his side and continuing to laugh.
“You hear that Deidre? He just wants to help.” He continued laughing for a few more seconds before he stopped suddenly.
“Here is how you can help. You can disassociate yourself from the hate organization known as the police.”
“Hate organization? Whoa, man look...”
“No, you look. Your department has arrested and jailed
more African American citizens than the whole damn state combined. There have been two shootings of unarmed African American teens that have resulted in deaths.”
“But those were justified…”
“Says who?”
“The government.”
“Well tell that to their parents when they realize their child was gone because a white cop was scared.”
I didn’t have anything to say about that. I heard the stories and knew that there were some circumstances that could have been handled differently.
“I know you’re thinking, ‘what do those things have to do with me’.” He was right. I was wondering why he was punishing me.
“Well you might as well be the one pulling the trigger if you decide to sit back and watch shit like this happen. You are a racist if you allow others to be, and the same thing if you allow your “colleagues” to murder.” I felt like a boulder had been placed on my head, but I still had one last question.
“What does Alicia have to do with this? Why disown her?” He laughed once again.
“Because I never thought I would see my daughter with some white-faced cracker, just like the one that called me a nigger and spat in my face, when I was marching with my parents in the sixties.”
I didn’t know what to say to make him change his mind. Law and the Socratic Method teaches you to rationalize and I had never lived through segregation or huge civil rights issues like this man, so I had no basis to consider.
“I just ask sir, that you mend things with your daughter. Don’t worry about me. I am no longer a factor.” I left a few dollars for my drink and limped from the restaurant.
Outside, everything looked and felt different. I no longer felt like the confident man that walked into the establishment.
Being a police officer was a part of my life but certain things that happened weren’t what I took the oath for. How could I honor and protect with racist guys on my squad? And how could I call myself an upstanding citizen if I allowed this to continue?
I thought of all those questions on the way to my car and all I could come up with that Alicia’s father was right. If I wasn’t a part of the solution, then I was the problem.
“Brian, what are you doing here?” Out of the blue I saw Alicia walking towards me but she was the last person I wanted to see.
“I have to go Alicia.” I kept walking, hitting the alarm to my car and getting inside before she could come closer to me.
As I drove away, the look on her face broke my heart but maybe it was better this way. We were too different and her father confirmed that. Maybe we were better apart.
12
Black
I stormed into the restaurant knowing that Brian’s ghostly white face was the result of only one man. He did that to people often and right now I was sick of it. Take away my tuition and the loft but he was going to hear the truth; finally hear how I felt.
“Hey Alicia honey, your dad just stepped away for a phone call.”
“Where?” I barely said hi to Deidra. My head was on a swivel, hunting for my father. She pointed in a direction and I went. I found him in a small hallway near the bathrooms with his cell phone pressed to his ear.
“You son of a bitch! What did you say to him?” He spun around like he had seen Malcolm X reincarnated.
“Tom, let me call you back?”
“Yeah, what did you say?”
“To your little friend?” He chuckled. “I told his ass the truth. No daughter of mine will be with a white man or she won’t be my daughter.”
“I was never your daughter. You were just around for fluff. My mother took care of me.” I spat the words out. “Yeah, that’s right. You were so busy running around the country that you didn’t even know how old I was.” I could remember times that he would literally ask me what my age was. The man that lived in the same household with my mother and me since I was born didn’t even know how old his child was.
“So you wanna talk down on me after all I did?”
“You did what you were fucking supposed to do. You want a prize and a medal for that?” I raised my voice, feeling the tension between the two of us.
“I finally find someone that wants me for me. Not because I’m your daughter, or because they want to just fuck me, but they genuinely want to be around me and you act like a complete asshole. Just like the people you fight against.
“You hold on a damn minute, I am still your father.”
“Are you sure you're my father? My father wouldn’t act like such a bigot. He would love everyone the way he would want to be loved.” He glared at me. If I was his son he would probably have pushed me against the wall but I was his daughter, a young lady in heels and wearing a skirt and makeup.
“I just want you to think about that when you call yourself hating someone. It only diminishes the things you claim to hate. You end up sounding like a fucking hypocrite.” I turned on my heels, storming out past the people gawking at me, including Diedra, who had nothing to say.
Back outside, I tried to call Brian as I walked to my car, but only his machine came on.
“Brian pickup please. I’m really sorry about whatever was said. Please know I don’t feel like that.” I got in my car, slamming the door as the machine cut off my lengthy plea.
I just wanted to rewind time and take everything back. I should have told my Dad that the rumor was true… Yes, I was dating a white man and so what? But instead it took me forever to unload about something that I should have said from the beginning.
Never again would I lie, but only if I got the chance.
What if he doesn’t want you anymore? Saying that a week ago wouldn’t have been so bad. But now, thinking of Brian not being around devastated me. That was it, I was in love and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it now but wait.
13
Black
Brian was missing and I didn’t know where to find him.
I tried calling for days, sent texts, and even went by his house but I got no answer. I just knew for sure I would see him in class for the exam but he was a no show. After every question, I looked around the room doing a quick survey, but he never came.
I asked the professor what happened only to find out that Brian took a leave of absence. Now I was racing to his house. I would camp out if I had to, but this evening I was going to find out where he was and talk to him, once and for all.
Pulling up to his house I saw the driveway was now filled with a moving van backed up to the door.
“Brian.” I yelled his name as I left the car running across his lawn.
He looked up as he directed movers into the house.
“Why haven’t you answered my calls?”
“Hey there, study buddy...How did the test go?” He gave an awkward smile as he pointed another mover into the house.
“It went fine, why weren’t you there?”
“You know, maybe we shouldn’t discuss this. You know it’s no big deal.” He was cold, just like he was the day I saw him outside the restaurant.
“Brian, what the hell are you talking about?”
“Just life Alicia. You know, things change.”
“Yeah they do, so what changed for you?”
“You know, your Dad said some things that hit home.” I could only imagine what my Dad said.
“What does anything that he said have to do with us?”
“Because he is your father. I can’t come between you and your family Alicia.” I was so frustrated with him that I wanted to pound my head into the ground.
I took a deep breath, trying to find the words to explain.
“Brian, my dad and no one else is going to stop me from living my life the way I see fit.”
“But I don’t want you resenting me years down the road. What your dad said was right and I’m moving out of the city.” All of this was like a punch to the gut.
“Whoa...because my Dad said some things you’re moving? What about law school? What about...”
“Not just him. I’ve been thinking about some things for a while and I just want to…”
“But what about ME?” It was always about everyone else, why can’t it ever be about me? He had no words but I wasn’t going to let him leave this easily.
“I want you to stay. Please stay with me.” He wiped the tears off my face.
“You really want this, forsaking your family just so you can be with a gimpy white boy, ex-cop.”
“Ex…”
“Yeah, I quit. Well, not officially yet, after my leave I’m quitting.”
“I would have wanted you even if you weren’t going to quit.”
I made up my mind that whatever warning my Mom gave wasn’t about me but about her misconceptions.
“You sure? I can’t dance and I’m not good at cooking soul food.” he joked.
“Well I don’t hunt and I hate country music.” We laughed as he leaned in and kissed me. I remembered the smoothness of his lips. I didn’t realize how much I missed his kisses until now. But, of course, as we enjoyed a kiss, my phone rang.
“Sorry, I gotta get this. I’m supposed to be studying with another group today.”
“Hello?”
“Alicia, they took him…” I could barely make out her voice over all of the crying. Deidra was screaming through the phone.
“Took who? Calm down. Who did what?”
“The police. They arrested your Dad. They said he was making terrorist threats, but he didn’t. They beat him...I’m so scared.” She was screaming so loudly that Brian heard her.
“Okay I’m on my way. Where did they take him?”
“They said the 15th district.”
“15th district…” I looked at Brian and he had the same terror in his eyes that I did.
“Okay I’m on my way.”
“Your Dad? Is he okay? I heard something about being arrested.”
Black and Blue: BWWM Romance Page 6