The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  I spun back to see Sally lowering her weapon. She made a dismissive noise and turned back to the fight.

  I trudged back over to where she stood. “I said I had this.”

  “Sorry, I needed to shoot something.”

  “Dude,” Dave whispered, nudging me. “Your friend is...”

  “Out of your league,” she finished for him.

  On that I couldn’t disagree.

  The whole exchange had taken maybe a minute, perhaps less. In that time, the battle had continued in much the same manner. James continued to frustrate Chuck with a combination of blocks and throws, each one hitting home with bone-jarring intensity. The craters littering the parking lot were testament to the power being displayed.

  Both opponents were bloodied, although superficially from the looks of things - like some kind of ultra-extreme version of Fight Club.

  Unfortunately, despite being on the receiving end of the worst of it, the big guy kept getting up - seemingly no worse for the wear.

  And that’s when it hit me. “He’s toying with James.”

  “What?” Ed asked.

  “The cameras. I doubt the fucking Neanderthal understands what they are, but he knows the others are inside watching. He’s purposely making a show of this.”

  “But why? If he could win that easily, then what rea...”

  Sally’s head turned toward us, understanding in her eyes. “Because he’s trying to send a message. He knows James is one of the First. They are the baddest of the bad. Cross them, and they will erase you without a second fucking thought.”

  “Thanks, we know all of that.”

  “Yeah, and what would you do if you came across a vamp who not only stood up to them, but took their best shots like they were nothing?”

  “Oh, shit.”

  “’Oh, shit’ is right. James needs to end this, because with each punch he throws, he’s losing more and more.”

  The one thing he wasn’t losing, though, was his hearing. I had little doubt he was following us because, just then, he upped the ante on his attacks. Claws replaced fists, one of them cutting a deep furrow into the side of his foe.

  I finally began to understand what he’d been so worried about earlier, as well as maybe why some of the vamps inside were no longer compelled. Vampires were a disloyal bunch at heart. They only jumped when some bigger dog said so. This fucker was giving them a choice. Some of them were obviously taking him up on it.

  That still didn’t explain how he’d gotten through Boston’s defenses so easily, but it did speak to the threat he represented. If even a portion of our forces decided to throw their lot in with this asshole, it could be catastrophic to us in the current war effort.

  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to see Alexander win, but I sure as shit didn’t want the world overrun by Sasquatches either. I wanted...well, okay, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted other than maybe D - none of the above.

  Back on the battlefield/parking lot, James pressed the attack. He managed to get inside of his foe’s defenses and sink his claws into his midsection.

  All right; go, James! Show this cock-muffin that he can’t fuck with...

  Chuck responded by driving his head forward into his opponent’s face. The crunch of the blow resounded around us. Blood sprayed from James’s shattered nose and split lips. It looked like his head had almost caved in from the impact. He fell to his knees and withdrew his claws from the wound they’d opened - a wound which began to mend itself back together almost instantly.

  “You both thinking what I’m thinking?” I asked, raising my weapon.

  Sally flashed me a predatory smile that was both beautiful and terrifying. “Do you even need to ask, partner?”

  “Let’s ventilate us some asshole,” Ed added.

  “Do...not...” James sputtered at us, spitting out teeth.

  Sally ignored him and continued to take aim. “Fuck that noise.”

  * * *

  I was tempted to warn her about not hitting James, but that was more of an issue for me than her. How embarrassing would that be? Thankfully, she was one step ahead of me there.

  “Hold your fire unless he comes at us...then feel free to blow as many holes in him as you like.”

  Whatever reply I may have had was drowned out by the roar of her massive handgun.

  Her first shot hit the goon in the back, right in the kidneys - opening a nasty-looking hole. To my surprise, though, he barely flinched.

  “Tough guy, eh?” she said and squeezed off another. This one clipped his shoulder and sent bone chips flying, resulting in at least a grunt of pain from our adversary. Meanwhile, the silver of the first bullet was working its magic. The wound cauterized from the inside out as sparks replaced the blood spraying from it.

  Chuck finally turned his head toward us, his eyes black with anger. We’d gotten his attention.

  “That’s right, smile for mama...”

  A mass of lumbering arms and legs tackled her from behind before she could finish either the quip or the shot. I jumped back, surprised as all shit since my attention had been firmly directed ahead.

  There were three of them - disgusting, putrid...err, headless creatures wearing business casual. The zombies? What the fuck?!

  The three of them had her face down, via their superior leverage, and were using their hands to club at her. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to process the hows and whys of this latest development. A quick glance out of the corner of my eye confirmed the cultist had bitch-slapped James to the side and was headed in our direction.

  Oh, crap. I wasn’t particularly looking forward to a rematch with this freak, but I didn’t exactly have much choice. I stepped in front of Sally and put myself between her and Chuck. “A little help here, if you don’t mind.”

  Ed, the crazy motherfucker that he was, didn’t hesitate for a second. Dave, on the other hand, still wasn’t quite with the program. Sadly for him, I didn’t have time to bring him up to speed.

  Fuck it.

  “HELP HER!!”

  I won’t lie and say it didn’t give me at least some slight amusement. I mean, hell, the guy had gleefully tortured my characters for years. Even so, I didn’t want to make it a habit. Too many vamps used compulsion to impose their will upon others. I had no intention of becoming one of those dickheads.

  Considering the angry moose headed my way, though, that wasn’t my biggest issue right then and there.

  I’d be lucky to live long enough to become a dickhead.

  Applying for Dismembership

  James was an honorable fellow. He no doubt wanted the vamps inside, the ones holding Calibra hostage, to see his victory as reassurance of the strength of the Draculas - a company man to the end. I didn’t have any such noble aspirations. My main driving force was to continue living in the absolute least painful manner possible.

  So as I faced off against an asshole who would give most superheroes cause to hesitate, I did the sensible thing: I raised my gun and emptied it point blank into him.

  The weapon lacked the punch of Sally’s hand cannon, but made up for it by having a magazine with a shitload more bullets - bullets that I gleefully fired at my target until I was out.

  Sadly, the end result was not his immediate incineration. I was forced to conclude that either the gun didn’t have enough power to punch through this asshole or I couldn’t hit the side of a barn to save my life.

  At least I’d staggered the meathead a little, which gave me an opening. Calling upon all the speed at my disposal, I raced forward, noting the mini geysers of sparks that began to spurt from the holes I’d riddled him with. Not being one to admire my own handiwork - much - I cocked my arm back and used the gun as makeshift brass knuckles, augmenting my blow and slamming it against his jaw.

  Much to my surprise, it worked - sending the economy-sized prick flying to land on his back dazed...hopefully.

  Acting quickly, lest I think better of my plan, I leapt and elongated my claws at the sam
e time. My plan was simple: finish what James had started.

  Sadly, Chuck had different plans. He got one leg beneath me as I landed and kicked out with it. I’d jumped about ten feet and flew back more than thirty, hurtling as if I were auditioning for a role as a cruise missile. I snuck a quick glance at my friends - still busy dismembering the zombies - as I flew by and then my momentum was halted by something nice and solid.

  I initially thought the loud crack that sounded was my spine shattering, but then saw my friends scramble out of the way as a telephone pole came crashing down, electrical wires snapping in the process.

  One of them landed on the now armless torso of one of the zombies and ignited it. The air filled with a stench that almost made Ed seem like a summer breeze by comparison.

  Unfortunately, I didn’t have time for further gawking. Chuck was back on his feet again. The fucker actually had the nerve to hold up his hand and gesture me onward - mocking my Bruce Lee move from the day before. What a prick.

  Fine. If this asshole wanted to rumble, I was...actually, I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do. He had me outclassed in just about every single aspect, minus maybe mastery of the English language. Sadly, I didn’t think a lively debate about the finer points of dangling participles would win the day.

  Screw that, I wasn’t sure anything would win the day. The entire affair had gone tits up. We needed to cut our losses and fast. James was probably going to kick my ass for doing so, but it was time to put my contingency plan into play.

  I dragged myself back to my feet, feeling my body, probably now one big bruise, protest. Oh well, in several hundred years I could look forward to one of those ultra-fast healing factors. For now, though, I needed to suck it up, pretend to look unhurt, and stop wasting time on stupid distractions.

  Sally was still busy stomping one of the zombies into paste. I couldn’t blame her. Who’d have thought they’d pull a mind-fuck and keep moving after their brains had been splattered? Jeez, didn’t any of these assholes watch The Walking Dead?

  Ed and Dave were busy grappling with the remaining one. My newly undead friend was failing to grasp that he now had super strength - and they dared call me clueless. Oh well, he’d figure it out eventually.

  I raced forward and leapt over wires so as to not end the day like a deep-fried Twinkie. “Any time you get a free moment,” I shouted to my roommate, hooking a thumb toward Sally.

  Nearing my foe, I took a running jump, hoping to take him high. Unfortunately for me, James had recovered and decided to take him low. The two went down in a tangle of arms and legs as I sailed over them and landed flat on my face against the cold, unforgiving asphalt. That’s okay, I really didn’t need pesky things like skin.

  “I told you, this is my fig....oof!”

  Chuck broke the hold James had upon him and brought up a knee into his stomach, doubling him over. A casual backhand sent James crashing to the ground.

  It appeared that the gloves were off now. If I had to guess, I’d say the Chuckster had been toying with James, making him feel like he had a fighting chance. That in of itself scared the ever living shit out of me. Since being turned into a vamp, James had been a cornerstone, a pillar of power to be respected. To see him manhandled like that was sobering. It was like getting into a fight with some drunk at the bar, only to watch him pull open his shirt and display the S insignia underneath.

  Chuck delivered another kick to James’s midsection, audibly pulverizing his ribs and putting him down for the count. Then the fucker turned back toward me.

  He raised his fists, threw back his head, and screamed a victory cry, doubtlessly signaling his utter triumph to the eyeballs watching. I was half expecting him to ask if we smelled what he was cooking.

  He wasn’t finished yet, though. His eyes settled upon me. Uh oh.

  Just then, a surprised cry came from the direction of my friends. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  It was Sally. Although turning my head for even an instant could be an immediate death sentence, I looked over nevertheless.

  Ed, finally heeding my advice, had one hand in her pants pocket, presumably digging for her phone - while she stood there with a look somewhere between surprise and amusement.

  “I didn’t say to enjoy it, asshole,” I shouted at him, certain that I was going to die surrounded by idiots.

  Perhaps not, though.

  Rather than throttling me into paste, the big goon had his hand outstretched, palm up. “JOIN ME, BROTHER!!”

  The compulsion, like the others, had no force behind it. He was merely projecting it so that I would understand. Even so, what the fuck?

  That’s when it hit me. He’d obviously figured out I was the Freewill during our first meeting when his compulsion fell flat. Now here he was, triumphant. Over one of the Draculas, no less. Could there be any more complete of a victory for him? Well, aside from taking down the rest of that fun bunch - there was me. Defeating the Freewill would be good, but cowing me would be even better.

  The very thought repulsed me, but I sadly realized I probably didn’t have much choice. This guy could crush me within seconds, if not less. He’d then finish off my friends at his leisure. Even Ed’s faith-imbued blood wouldn’t do him much good if it was smeared all over the street.

  Goddamn, how I hated times like this - faced with my own personal Kobayashi Maru. It seemed to be far too common of an occurrence in my life as of late.

  Stepping forward slowly, I gritted my teeth and sucked it up. It was the only way to buy my friends some time - damning myself to save them.

  I reached the big goon and looked up at him, half expecting him to lunge forward at any moment and skin me alive. But he just stood there, arm outstretched, giving me a chance to join him.

  I lifted my hand to his, knowing one thing was certain...

  If given the choice between the smart thing to do and pissing off some asshole, I will always choose the latter.

  * * *

  “Psych!” I cried, lifting my hand just as they were about to touch.

  His brow furrowed in annoyance, to which I added, “You got something on your face.”

  That something was a bullet from Sally’s gun. It struck him high in the temple and snapped his head to the side. Bone fragments went flying. Even as that happened, the sound from the massive gun’s report reached my ears.

  As I’d approached, I’d seen Ed retrieve Sally’s phone then quickly back up to let her take aim - and probably keep from getting decked. Bad luck Chuck might have power beyond anything I’d ever faced before, but I had friends - good ones I could count on.

  “Yeah, asshole, how do you like...”

  The words died in my throat as he turned back to me. The bullet had dug a deep furrow in his forehead. The cracked bone gleamed white in the night but, somehow, it hadn’t penetrated.

  Goddamn, what did it take to put this guy down for good?

  My eyes went wide as I realized what that something was. Chuck stared at me, rage in his eyes. His canines elongated until they were nearly daggers. However, my full attention was on who was standing right behind him.

  I had mentioned earlier that the kid gloves were off, and James had seemingly drawn the same conclusion. He appeared behind the monster, his silver combat knife - the one he’d used on the Sasquatch - raised. I smiled as he brought it down with hopefully enough momentum to filet this motherfucker.

  Amazingly, the blade stopped less than an inch from its intended target.

  Chuck had moved faster than I could comprehend. One moment, his hand was still outstretched toward me, and the next he’d spun to catch James by the wrist.

  Before any of us could react, he yanked back - his true strength finally on display - and ripped James’s arm out at the socket.

  I barely even had time to register my horror at this act when the brute swung around and used the arm as a makeshift club on me. He contemptuously batted me away, then discarded it atop my prone form as he turned back, no doubt t
o finish this fight once and for all.

  * * *

  I lay there with the severed limb atop me, trying to shake the cobwebs from my head. As I regained my senses, a pained scream rent the night. It was nearly impossible to believe, but that tortured sound was coming from James.

  Chuck held him up with one arm, positioning him so that he was an inhuman shield - ruining any shot Sally had. His other hand was wrist deep in James’s stomach. His fingers flexed beneath the skin as he slowly tore my friend apart from the inside. Anger filled me at hearing the anguish of the man who had saved me on the night I was turned and had always treated me fairly when others had not.

  First Dave, then Starlight, and now James. If I didn’t stop him, Sally and Ed would surely follow. How much more would this asshole take from me before he was through?

  No. I wouldn’t allow it.

  I gritted my teeth and forced myself to confront the impending reality of their deaths. It was too much and I began to see red.

  Yes, that was it. I willed the rage to take me away. It was the only way to stop this motherfucker once and for all. He would know the true power that lurked inside of me. In the past, I had been frightened of the beast waiting to be released, certain he would kill my friends if let loose. I still wasn’t entirely sure Dr. Death wouldn’t, but they would certainly die without him. It was a chance I was willing - no, had to take.

  I said a silent goodbye to the world, then gave myself wholly to the rage - closing my eyes to let it carry me away on a tidal wave of bloodlust.

  A moment passed.

  Then another.

  Then yet another.

  Nothing fucking happened, except me continuing to lie there, feeling really pissed off, with a severed limb bleeding out on me.

  What the fuck?

  I may have just imagined it, but it seemed my inner voice replied, Which part about me being on vacation did you not understand?

  Fucking asshole!

  Goddamnit! This shit never happened in the comic books. Wasn’t the hero supposed to come to some sort of bullshit truce with his inner demons during the climactic battle?

  Fuck me. Lying there and having an inner monologue with myself wouldn't do jack shit to help James.