The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  “No. Nor does anyone else. Boston has gone dark, as have...”

  “As have what?” Sally asked.

  “My apologies. I forgot for one moment who I was speaking to. You need not fret about matters best left in the hands of your betters. I’m sure you understand. Speaking of which, as I informed your house pets upon my arrival, I am here for the Wanderer.”

  “Why?” I stepped to block the front door and crossed my arms.

  The three goons reached into their coats, no doubt ready to produce a few nasty surprises at my implied threat. Ed, in response, pulled his shotgun’s pump, chambering a round.

  We were probably about a second away from reenacting the finale from Blade Trinity when Colin shook his head slightly. “Enough with this foolishness. They are no threat.”

  Sally opened her mouth to reply, but he held up a hand. “Before you say anything to make yourself look even more inept than usual, allow me to elaborate. You are no threat compared to that which you have unleashed.”

  “What do you know about Chuck?” I asked. A confused look came across his face. “I mean, the cultist.”

  “Under normal circumstances, I would inform you that such information was not for the ears of children with delusions of grandeur.”

  “But?”

  He smiled broadly - a look that didn’t give me a good feeling inside. “But the level of your incompetence this time goes beyond anything I have ever encountered before. Even I have to admit to being impressed.” He pulled a sealed envelope from an inside pocket and laid it on our kitchen counter next to the phone.

  “What’s that?”

  “A little present from me to you, so that you might understand exactly how deep of a hole you have dug yourself - how badly you have utterly botched everything for all of us.”

  “If I’ve fucked up so badly, then why are you still smiling?”

  “Because whatever fate awaits me and those I serve shall be nothing compared to what you bring upon yourself.” He let the statement hang in the air for a moment. The smugness emanating from him was nearly suffocating in its thickness. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I do have a timetable to maintain. Kindly produce the Wanderer.”

  “If you think we’re gonna let you hurt him, you...”

  “Hurt him?” Colin actually looked insulted for a brief moment before his eyes grew cold again. “Whatever you may think of me, Freewill - not that I care - never question my loyalty to the First. If you must know, I am here to escort the Wanderer to a secure location so he may report to his peers. More, I shall not say to the likes of you.”

  I shared a quick glance with my friends. Aside from Tom, who shrugged confusedly, the rest were with me. “If you think for one moment we’re going to let you...”

  “You are not required to let them do anything.” The door behind Ed opened. James looked like a walking pile of shit, but he’d borrowed one of my jackets to cover up the worst of it. “I am more than capable of making my own decisions, thank you.”

  He took a step, stumbled, and used his remaining hand to steady himself against the wall. “It is good to see you, Colin.”

  The little toady immediately snapped to attention. “All glory to the First, Wanderer.”

  “Yes,” James replied doubtfully. “All glory, indeed.”

  “Wanderer?”

  “Uh, James,” I said carefully, “you’re really not in any shape to go anywhere.”

  Despite the condition of his body, there was steel in his voice. “I will not be derelict in my duties any longer than is necessary, Dr. Death. There is much to do and much to atone for.”

  “What does that mean?” Sally asked, concern in her voice.

  James turned to his lackey instead. “Colin, would you be so kind as to wait downstairs for me? I shan’t tarry but a minute or so.”

  “As you wish.” Colin nodded toward his goon squad, and they immediately headed for the door. He followed them, stopping just before stepping out. “We are fighting the daylight. Sunrise is imminent.”

  “I am well aware.”

  “All glory to the First,” he said, then left, his footsteps heading down. I’d love to say I was sorry to see him go, but let’s not kid ourselves.

  After a few moments, James addressed us. “My thanks to you all. The battle was lost and I should have fallen before my foe, but even I must admit a part of me is glad of your infuriating inability to follow orders.”

  “It’s what we do best,” I replied.

  “Do not push your luck.”

  “What now?” Sally asked before I could shove my foot further into my mouth.

  James was quiet for a moment, almost as if he, for once, didn’t have the answer. “I wish I knew. Due to my failings, much damage has been done - perhaps irrevocably so.”

  “It sucks what happened in Boston, but it’s not the end of the...”

  “The world, Dr. Death? It may very well be. More eyes than theirs were watching us. Have no doubt that what the cameras captured was shared as widely as possible. With Calibra under his control, the one you so disturbingly refer to as Chuck could easily have ordered her to broadcast our fight to every Prefecture in the western hemisphere.”

  Oh. I hadn’t considered that. Despite knowing better, I had this nasty tendency to assume the vampire nation were a bunch of luddites - more prone to sacrificing goats to primal gods than surfing the web. What can I say? I’m a product of the pop culture that’s been shoved down my throat since birth.

  “I should have told you before we reached Boston,” he continued. “Alas, I did not want my trepidation to show in front of those under my charge. I fear I may have also overestimated myself. Such is my hubris. My failings were twofold this day. We are a predatory species - that much you know. Weakness is neither respected nor tolerated. For a member of the First, the rock upon which our society is planted, to be humbled so is a blow to the confidence of those loyal to us.”

  “Dude, even Rocky lost a few,” Tom added, unhelpful to the very end.

  “Indeed he did.” The ghost of a smile crossed James's face. “But things are not so simple. The loyal may waver, but the disloyal are those I truly fear right now.”

  “I’m not following,” I said.

  “There are many among us who are not happy with Alexander’s leadership.”

  Sally and I shared a sidelong glance at each other, but otherwise kept our fucking mouths shut. No way were we opening that can of worms.

  “It is not spoken of openly, but many despise the institution of the First and the coven system. They serve only out of fear - the knowledge that retribution shall be swift and brutal - not understanding that order is necessary to our continued prosperity.”

  “How does this cult play into that?” Sally asked.

  “They represent change. That is all any vampire tired of being compelled into their duty will care about. Soon, that which was buried in our past will become known again. It is inevitable. The Cult of Ib were cruel in their tactics and narrow-minded in their acceptance of those falling outside their ideals, but their methods involved choice - freedom for us to be the monsters we were perhaps meant to be. It was their downfall in their struggle against us, their inability to work as a cohesive unit. Now, though, the lessons of the past are forgotten.”

  “So you’re afraid vampires are going to ditch the Draculas in droves for this asshole?” Ed asked.

  “I wish it were only fear.” James started toward the door. I’d never seen him look so...defeated before. It was as if, in his mind, the war was already lost.

  He stopped in the doorway and turned toward us. “Stay safe, my friends. These are dangerous times, more so by the minute. Dr. Death, I have no doubt the First shall call upon you soon.”

  He left before I could ask whether that last part was a threat or a warning.

  A part of me was sure that was on purpose.

  * * *

  “What are you thinking?” Sally asked me once we’d shut and locked the door.


  “I’m thinking I need to clean up my mess.”

  “At least when you make a mess, it’s a spectacular one.”

  “Bill is a master of extreme fuck-uppery,” Tom said, drawing a grin from me. I couldn’t exactly deny that one. When I stepped in shit, it was often up to my neck or deeper.

  Sally walked over to the corner where she’d dropped off her bag upon our arrival and retrieved it. Carrying it over to our coffee table, she unzipped it. “Well then, I guess it’s time to discuss those big guns I mentioned.”

  “Going to lap dance Chuck to death?”

  She raised an eyebrow at me as she reached into the bag. “If you fuck this one up, that may be the only option we have left.” Wincing briefly, she stopped whatever she was doing long enough to extract a pair of leather gloves and put them on. “Almost forgot.”

  Tom, not being smart enough to keep his mouth shut, chuckled. “What, are you going to throw some nasty, crusted underwear at him?”

  “Here’s an idea,” she replied. “Why don’t you go stand way over there and I won’t kill you.”

  The look on her face stopped his grin dead in its tracks and he immediately backed up toward our kitchen nook.

  “Much better.” She resumed digging through the bag, finally pulling out something long wrapped in a blanket. My eyes nearly popped out of my head as it was unfurled. She was smart to wear gloves. The three crosses on the hilt gave it away, but I would have otherwise known it anywhere.

  “Is that Sheila’s sword?”

  “The sword of Joan of Arc,” Sally said, holding it aloft. “The Icon’s weapon.”

  “Is it...”

  “Yep,” she replied. “Touch it with your bare hands and get used to the idea of scratching your ass with hooks.”

  I stared raptly at the deadly blade. “How did you...”

  “I retrieved it after the battle. Didn’t seem right to let the cops just stuff it into some evidence locker.”

  Multiple emotions ran through me at once: sorrow, grief, regret...but I was amazed to find the one that stood out amongst them all was hope.

  Upon my return, I’d pledged to take up the mantle of humanity’s last defender. Now that position was needed more than ever. I’d unleashed a great evil upon the world, one that I couldn’t put back in its jar. But now...

  “Let me go get a pair of gloves. I need to start training with that thing right away.”

  “That’s not what I had in...”

  Ed, who had been uncharacteristically quiet since James’s departure, interrupted her. “We don’t have time for that, Bill. Besides, it’s not yours.”

  “I know that, but we don’t have a...”

  “It belongs to Sheila. We need to give it back to her.”

  Silence fell upon the room. A part of me wondered whether the pressure had finally gotten to Ed and had caused him to snap.

  I gritted my teeth for a moment, not wanting to say the words aloud, but it seemed nobody else was speaking up. “Sheila is dead.”

  “No,” he said. “She’s not.”

  The Earth-Shattering Epilogue

  “You know that?” Sally asked.

  I quickly turned toward her.

  “I mean...how do you know that? We...uh, saw her die...”

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Never better,” she snapped. “Don’t change the subject.”

  “Uh, yeah, what Sally said. We saw her die.”

  “No, you didn’t.” Ed walked over and took a seat on the couch. “She survived.”

  “But...”

  “Her powers saved her,” he said, refusing to meet my eyes. “All she got was the equivalent of a really hard kick to the face. She was bruised to all hell, probably had a concussion too, but she lived.” He chuckled a little. “Scared the shit out of the ambulance driver, too, when she woke up.”

  “Whoa whoa whoa, hold on.” I noticed Tom’s eyes were nearly as large as mine. He had a stake in this game as well, but I waved him off for the moment. “How the fuck do you know that?”

  “Because she told me.”

  “What?! When?”

  “Maybe a week and a half after you disappeared. Thought I was seeing a ghost, that maybe whatever she’d done to me when I got bitten had turned me into that kid from the Sixth Sense.”

  “That’s a fuckload better than becoming Anakin Skywalker,” I mumbled, barely even aware I was doing so.

  “Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t figure it out, Bill.”

  “How the fuck was I supposed to do that?”

  “Seriously? How do you think I got my new position? People don’t just walk in the door of a company and proclaim themselves the new president. There’s paperwork to be filled out.”

  “He does have a point.”

  “Not helping, Sally,” I growled. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, man.”

  “You?” Tom asked, jumping into the fray. “At least you were off being a dungeon bitch for the past three months. I’ve been here this entire time. Christy is going to fucking freak.”

  “Why do you think I didn’t say anything?” Ed replied defensively. “The last time this happened, she wigged out and flash-fried your brainpan.”

  That gave Tom pause to consider, allowing me to resume my line of questioning. “That still doesn’t answer why you didn’t tell me the second I got back.”

  He stood up and faced me. “She asked me not to.”

  “What?”

  “She was confused. Can you blame her? The whole thing with Remington went to complete shit in the end. She felt guilty as all fuck about what happened to you, me, Tom, Gan...even those Templar assholes.”

  “Gan survived, by the way,” Sally said.

  I turned to her. “You knew about that?”

  “Of course. How else did you think I wound up with Monkhbat?”

  “The bottom line is,” Ed said, ignoring her, “she thought that teaming up with us had resulted in more harm than good. She wanted to disappear for a while, let the world - especially the vampires - think she was dead. That way, she could fight the good fight anonymously.”

  I glared at him, sure that my eyes had turned black. “Us? You mean me, don’t you?”

  “I was trying to be nice. I think she might’ve also been a bit freaked out by how you finished off Remington and then disappeared.”

  “You told her that?”

  “She asked.”

  “Thanks,” I replied sarcastically, slumping down in a chair.

  “You’re missing the point here, Bill,” Sally said.

  “Oh? And what do you know about this?”

  “Um...nothing,” she replied quickly. “I just swiped the sword - that’s all. You and your roommates can hash this shit out amongst yourselves. I just want to point out one very important tidbit.”

  “What?”

  “She’s alive, stupid.”

  “I know, but...”

  That’s when it really hit me. Holy shit, what a fucking moron I was. I was busy arguing bullshit better left in a bad sitcom when the reality was there was only one item of importance: everything I’d blamed myself for was a load of crap. We’d set out to save Sheila from the vampire nation. For the past three months, I was certain I’d failed miserably - becoming a monster in the process. Now I was learning that I was wrong. Amazingly, we’d somehow pulled it off. She was safe. She was alive.

  “She’s alive,” I repeated out loud - softly at first, waiting for it to sink in. And sink in it did. I bounced to my feet. A big, stupid grin covered my face despite everything. “Did you hear that? She’s alive!” I threw my arms around Sally and hugged her hard, holding her tight.

  “I’m the one who gave you the news,” Ed complained.

  “Yeah, but she’s a lot softe...argh!”

  Sally reached up, grabbed hold of my ear, and pried me off. “Moment’s over, jackass. Besides, I wouldn’t celebrate quite yet.”

  “Why?”

  “Think about it
, genius.”

  “What’s to think about? She’s fine and...”

  “She’s still the Icon.”

  “Yeah, so? And I’m still the Freewill...” Oh, fuck. “The prophecy?”

  “The prophecy,” she echoed.

  Well, wasn’t that just a wonderful bucket of ice water with which to douse my excitement.

  “Uh, guys,” Tom interrupted, “we might have bigger problems to worry about.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. I’m not sure even she’s going to be able to put that musclehead down for good.”

  “What are you blathering about?” I turned to find him standing near the kitchen - leafing through several sheets of paper. Colin’s envelope, all but forgotten by me in light of recent news, lay open on the counter.

  “What is it?”

  “It’s some kind of file...like a dossier,” he said.

  “Holy shit. Colin ID’d him? You’re telling me he figured out who Chuck is?”

  “Not Chuck,” Tom replied, looking over the top of the pages. “Says here, this guy’s name is Vehron...known more commonly as the Destroyer.”

  “Vehron the Destroyer?”

  “Yep...also known as Vehron the Render, Vehron the Hater of All Life, Vehron the Sun Strider, Vehron the...”

  “Sun Strider?”

  “It doesn’t elaborate.”

  “Dude has a lot of aliases,” Ed remarked.

  “Tell me about it. Why don’t I have any cool nicknames like that?”

  “Oh, remember Johnny Collins from fifth grade?” Tom, asked looking up from the file.

  “No.”

  “He used to call you Rytard. I thought that was pretty cool.”

  “Give me that!” Sally stomped over and yanked the pages out of his grasp. She flashed her fangs, as if daring him to object, then began reading. “It’s definitely our guy. There’s a crude drawing of him here, but the tattoos seem to match.”

  “What else does it say?”

  “Oh, shit.”

  “What?”