What she felt for Chris was a wild untamed fire. It was suddenly clear to her that what she felt for Chris would fizzle out if they ever got together. She would wake up guilty and depressed everyday. Eventually, the sex without the substance would pall and they would end up hating each other.
She looked hard at Chris for the first time without the scales of lust blinding her eyes and realized that she broke her husband's trust, she shattered her commitment to him and her family because of old fashioned lust. She had given into that visceral emotion that had brought empires down and smashed family ties. It never lasts, it never endures.
And suddenly she realized the enormity of what she had done. She had compounded one mistake atop of another until here she was sitting across from her ex-lover and their baby and she was lying to her husband.
She closed her eyes and then opened them, “Chris.”
“Mmm,” he said looking back at her.
“I had a huge crush on you years ago and it has played a part in my present day troubles. I never really put it to rest you know, that feeling I had when I first saw you. I guess at the back of mind, I wanted to be with you just to see what it would have been like but I don’t love you, not the way I love Theo. I never did. I know words are not adequate to say just how much I regret that this ever happened.
Chris looked away from her a pained look in his eyes. He then sighed and shrugged. “As I said, I am trying to move on. Maybe one day I will find another love. Maybe one day you'll tell Mark the truth about his father and we'll forge some form of relationship.”
She shook her head. “I am not even thinking about that right now.”
*****
The drive back to St. Ann was not as turbulent for Kelly, it was as if something that was broken in her head was finally fixed, and she seriously contemplated driving home and telling all to her husband, but the possible repercussions of her actions made her recoil. Once the bonds of trust were broken in a relationship it would never be the same. She couldn’t bear to think of the devastation that would follow in the wake of her confession to Theo.
She had admitted a third party and another family into their relationship, how does one recover from that?
If she were on the receiving end of such news she knew that it would devastate her; drive her crazy.
Wasn’t there some rule that said that your spouse didn’t need to know everything? That one should just leave well enough alone and that some secrets were better not exposed. After all, what one didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.
In theory that was fine but the reality was pure torture. How did some married women live with themselves for years knowing that a child—born as a result of an affair—did not belong to their spouse?
How did they live with it and not give something away?
She could barely breathe from the pressure of the guilt surrounding her. Each day it got worse. Each day the guilt stung a little deeper; her wounds gapped a little wider and she was left floundering in the quagmire of her sins.
“Lord, help me,” she whispered.
When she entered the town of Ocho Rios she decided to visit her parents at Hibiscus Close, a scenic spot overlooking the town of Ocho Rios. The light was fading fast and it was barely five o’ clock.
She looked at the clock on the dashboard. Theo had called her twice to find out where she was and to let her know that he was stuck in a church council meeting and would be home late.
She turned left into her parent's driveway and parked behind Erica's car. Her mother was a free spirit who planted herbs and medicinal plants, played the harp and went to soap making and flower arranging classes.
She was fifty-nine years old but looked at least ten years younger. It was often a source of irritation to Erica that strangers assumed that Erica was the mother and Lola was the daughter whenever they went out together.
Her father was the opposite. He was a serious—more of a logical thinker—and though he had a law degree, he never practiced, choosing instead to run a chain of successful supermarkets on the North Coast. He lived a retirees dream, playing golf all week and rarely checking in on his businesses.
When he did check on the books, his eagle eyes would catch the slightest mistake, so his managers were really conscientious with their accounting. Kelly looked for his car but didn’t see it. More than likely he was off playing golf. She took the baby from the car and slammed the door.
“Bring my grandchild here,” Lola was at the front door in a flowing summer dress; her eyes sparkling. Erica was standing behind her and the two were grinning.
“I am going to bathe him in a combination of shea butter, chamomile and rose oil.”
Kelly rolled her eyes. “I hope all those three are good for bathing.” She handed over the baby. “I don’t want you experimenting on my child and harming his skin.”
Lola took the baby and cooed, “I wouldn’t experiment with him,” she grinned, “I already experimented enough with you and Erica while you were babies, especially Erica because she was the first.”
Erica grimaced. “You must have done something to me when I was little because I am addicted to chocolate. It's all your fault.”
Lola laughed out loud while rocking the baby.
“Children blame everything on their mothers.”
Kelly stepped inside, the house was simply decorated but her mother had a profusion of plants in every available corner. The house was infused with the scent of her latest obsession―jasmine. The pungent aroma was uniquely relaxing and Kelly sat down in a sofa gratefully inhaling the aroma deeply.
“I need a pot of one of your jasmine plants, Mom. I would never have to use air freshener.”
“Never,” Erica agreed. “Today, in our soap class, we bought a vial of jasmine oil for a whole lot of money. I told Mommy that if we could learn to distil it we could make it ourselves.”
“True,” Lola said, “we should go to one of those classes and learn to do that.”
Erica nodded. “Next year perhaps, my vacation is almost up and I am not a woman of leisure like you.”
Lola shrugged. “Kelly you work for yourself, can we go together?”
“Nooo,” Kelly shook her head vehemently, “I have three children, one of them a baby, when I have free time I want to just sit on my veranda and read.”
Lola grinned, “I might just drag your Dad with me then.”
Erica laughed and toppled over on the settee. “Daddy would say, how much per hour is this thing, can't you experiment with the plant yourself.”
Lola shrugged, “Chalk and cheese your father and I. But our marriage keeps going and going and going.”
She paused and then asked Kelly, “How are you and Theo?”
“Fine,” Kelly looked at her puzzled, “Why do you ask, you have never asked me that before.”
Lola sighed and then sat down with the baby in her lap. “I know when something is wrong with any of my children. I feel it. I may not pry but I feel it.”
“Yeah right,” Erica snorted, “you are the queen of prying.”
Kelly looked at Erica accusingly. “You told her something, didn’t you?”
“I had to,” Erica said wounded, “she kept badgering me and digging and digging. She threatened to go to Theo and ask him what was wrong.”
Kelly gasped, “Mom, if something is wrong you come to your offspring first!”
Lola smiled, “I would get nothing from you, you are secretive and you bottle up everything inside. I had to use some strong arm tactics to get Erica to talk.”
“Does Dad know?” Kelly asked looking frightened.
“Of course,” Lola shrugged, “I can't hide things from your father, especially when this concerns his grandson.”
Kelly hung her head. “Now the whole world knows.” She raised her hand in the air. “My family, Chris' family, the whole world!”
Lola got up, “I was shocked when I heard, the news was unexpected, I knew you were unhappy but not that unhappy as to go outside of y
our marriage for solace.” She shrugged, “this whole situation takes on special significance, when you consider that your husband is the spiritual leader of the church and you are his help meet.”
“I am never talking to Erica again,” Kelly said looking at her sister vengefully.
Lola shook her head, “Open up your eyes Kelly. Erica is not the issue; she is the easiest person to blame right now. What you need to ask yourself is, can I live with this lie hanging over my marriage?”
Kelly nodded, “I can. Hundreds of women do it every day. I realize my mistake, I am sorry both to my husband and to God. I can live with this.”
“You will give yourself an ulcer,” Lola said exasperated, “your husband will eventually realize that something is wrong. You have several persons knowing the truth and an ex-lover who is interested in his child. Tell him Kelly.”
“No,” Kelly said getting up, “he'll never find out! Chris' family won't tell and neither will you.”
“Suppose one day he needs blood and his father finds out he is not compatible,” Erica asked.
Kelly turned to her. “Shut up, traitor!”
“Better a traitor than a liar,” Erica retorted and clamped her hand over mouth instantly.
Lola looked at both of them sadly, “I am going to bathe my grandchild. Are you staying for dinner?”
Kelly nodded, might as well. “What did Maisie fix?” Maisie was the helper and cook.
“I think she did curried goat. She also did a chocolate cake. Erica told her she was spending the night and begged her to do it.”
“Sounds good,” Kelly said turning to Erica, “I can't stand you.”
“Feelings mutual,” Erica said, then added, “I made a soap for you today, it has a nice vanilla scent.”
“Oh thanks,” Kelly said, the two of them never held grudges against each other and bad feelings never lasted, “I went to Wendy's today and saw Chris.”
“Wow,” Erica clapped her hand. “Give me the juicy details, and don't leave anything out.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“So where've you been?” Kelly looked up from her book and glanced at the clock. She had left her mother's house after a delicious dinner and had put the baby to sleep hours ago.
“You wouldn’t believe the night I just had,” Theo said, sitting down and throwing his keys on the center table. “After the community meeting, which was very productive by the way, I went to the church council meeting at head office. It was supposed to be routine,” Theo said leaning back in his chair and rubbing his forehead, “what happened instead was a virtual fist fight.”
Kelly gasped. “The clergy acting rowdy! About what?”
“Adultery-divorce-remarriage.” Theo closed his eyes.
Kelly stiffened, and was glad that he wasn’t looking at her when the word adultery was uttered.
“Apparently,” Theo continued, oblivious to her sudden jitteriness, “there is a huge dichotomy between some factions in the council as to what constitutes good grounds for divorce and re-marriage. Bibles were thrown, tempers got heated. It was the clergy version of a bar fight. Remember Reginald from the Little Oaks District?”
Kelly nodded.
“Well his wife went to the US three years ago and decided not to come back to Jamaica. She filed for divorce, it went through and Reginald was left devastated. They had only been married for two years. He has finally met someone new and wants to marry her. The contention is this: his wife—to his knowledge—was not unfaithful and neither was he.”
Kelly sat up straighter and gently closed the book she was reading; her hands were trembling―these days she liked to avoid hearing the word adultery at all costs.
“So what do you think about it?” Her voice was tremulous so she cleared her throat in case Theo thought something was wrong.
Theo shrugged, “Jesus himself gave the clause that only if there is marital unfaithfulness—caused by sexual immorality—is there even room to think about remarrying.”
“So what is classified as sexual immorality?” Kelly clasped her knees together because they felt a little nervy. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t heard all of this before. She had even read it in the Bible for herself, but now the whole situation was quite close to home.
Theo sighed, “fornication, prostitution, adultery.”
“So what is Reginald to do, he is young and it was her who divorced him, what is he supposed to do?”
Theo massaged his temples. “I was on his side. The innocent party should be able to remarry. After all he did not instigate or seek a dissolution of his marriage. Some of the elder pastors were up in arms though. They said it would send a wrong message to the congregation. Pastor Flanagan threw his Bible at Pastor Henny and the council ended in an uproar.”
Kelly stifled a giggle. “Pastor Flanagan is always a passionate guy. Whose side was he on?”
“Apparently not the Bible's,” Theo chuckled. “He flung it at Henny so hard that you could hear it thud against his chest.”
“And to think you all look so decent on Sabbaths, tut tut tut.” Kelly got up and stretched. “I am going to make some tea, want some?”
“Sure.” Theo got up too. “I will come with you.”
“Remember when we used to do this all the time, stay up late and chat?”
Theo nodded, “I remember. When you have children and demanding jobs suddenly life is not nearly as idyllic as it used to be.”
“True.” Kelly headed for the cabinet. “Do you want sorrel, ginger tea or cerrassee?”
“Sorrel.” Theo took his seat by the counter.
“I am quite looking forward to Music Day this Sabbath,” Theo said as she leaned up against the counter. “I'll be playing one piece on the organ for the church choir.”
Kelly nodded.
“That used to be Chris' job but these days I can barely get hold of him on the telephone or anything. When last have you heard from him?” Theo asked her innocently.
Kelly straightened up. What a nasty coincidence? She had just seen Chris today and had lunch with him. Her lies to Theo were adding up and looming in her mind's eye and she was tired of it, tired of lying.
“I saw him in Kingston today.” She turned when she heard the kettle whistling. When she turned back around Theo was looking at her thoughtfully. “Is he involved with anyone?”
Kelly nodded. “That girl we saw him with at the restaurant.” She put the tea bag in the hot water and put it before Theo.
The tea was slowly turning red and Theo looked down into its depths. “Her name is Estelle or was it Estella?” He looked back up at Kelly, a serious expression on his face. “I am happy he is moving on.”
“Moving on from what?” Kelly grabbed her mug, not registering how hot it was, and how odd she was behaving.
“Moving on from you.” Theo stirred his tea and looked at her quizzically. “My mother said something the other day and it has been on my mind.”
“Oh.” Kelly's fingers were burning up but she still clutched the mug.
“She said that—”
The phone rang and Kelly exhaled; she had no idea she had been holding her breath until the reprieve was granted to her.
“That must be your mother,” Kelly said, looking at the phone gratefully. “She had gone to a comical stage production earlier in the evening.”
Theo got up and answered it.
“Tell her goodnight for me honey. I am going to bed.” Kelly left the untouched tea on the counter and hurried to the room. Her heart was racing and she realized two things all at once: she couldn’t live like this and her only alternative was to tell her husband, but she just could not.
She pretended to sleep when he came in and Theo lay down on his back staring at the ceiling.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
It was barely nine-thirty and the church parking lot was already full. Chris gritted his teeth and wondered if he was going crazy. In an effort to prove to himself, his family and friends that he was normal and happy he had started go
ing out with Estella.
He looked at her from the corner of his eye and again wondered why on earth he was punishing himself with her. She had insisted that they attend the Three Rivers Music Day. He had refused at first but she had gone on and on about it. She wanted to know why he had left the eldership of the church in the first place, and like a seasoned detective she was under his skin about his reasons. In a bid to shut her up he had shrugged and said it was no big deal—then he had promised to take her to the church's music day.
He realized his mistake when they were at the church. A moment of relief swept over him when he realized that there was no available parking. That was a legitimate excuse, if ever he was looking for one. He was just about to tell her so when a car backed out of a spot and left him with no recourse but to take it. He grimaced and looked over at a smiling Estella. She had her hair in an elegant upsweep and was wearing a yellow and black dress which complimented her slim figure quite well.
She was a pretty girl, he grudgingly admitted to himself, but for some reason his interest in her had waned after two days. She was demanding and prone to throw a tantrum if she didn't get what she wanted; it was a very unattractive trait in a woman of twenty-five he thought. Without knowing much about her family he had concluded that she was an only child who was indulged by her parents. He had been pretty accurate in drawing that conclusion, and now, after three long months of Estella, he just wanted to escape her clutches.
“You are frowning at me.” Estella peered into the pocket mirror above her seat and smiled. “What's wrong?”
“Nothing.” Chris relaxed his facial muscles in the semblance of a smile. “Just thinking.”
“This church is in such a pretty spot,” Estella said changing the conversation. She had a pretty good idea that Chris was not pleased that she had bulldozed him into coming to this particular church. But she badly wanted to go to the music day and she had felt Chris’ withdrawal of affection since the night they had seen the pastor and his wife that she knew she had to do something.
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