by Portia Moore
“Out of the alters, Collin is probably the one who you can learn the most from, Lauren.”
I glare at her. “I thought after everything that’s happened, with all the secrets being out, us knowing the reasons for what happened that…” I chuckle at my foolishness. “I just thought it would fix everything and it hasn’t, and now it makes me wonder if there will ever be a ‘fix.’” I admit.
“If there wasn’t a solution, would you walk away?” Her eyes narrow on mine.
Walk away, as if it’s that easy. I guess for some women it would be. I try to picture my life married to another man, a normal man. I don’t even know how I would function with someone normal, and even if I did choose to walk away, it’s not as if I could just walk away from this and never look back. He’s my daughter’s father. And aside from that, I love him—in the midst of the craziness, heartache, and pain—I love him with everything in me. Walking away is laughable and not an option.
“No,” I answer her simply.
“I think it’s important that you talk to someone.” Helen takes a sip of her water while I mentally run through the people closest to me in my life. Not one of them would understand. Not Raven, Angela, and especially not Hillary.
“I mean a therapist,” she says reading my mind.
“It doesn’t have to be me of course,” she adds quickly. I rub my temple, my brain hurts thinking about explaining all of this to someone else. I glance at her.
“Would it be a conflict of interest if I did choose to see you… just to talk. I know you couldn’t tell me what happens with his sessions.”
“No, and technically I’m not Chris’ doctor only Cal and Collin will talk to me.”
“I’m really worried about them… him,” I shake my head. “I’d never seen Cal the way he was before Chris came out, and then Collin took over,” I sort of ramble. I drink more water trying to rinse the alcohol out of my system. I feel my thoughts becoming heavy and I need a clear head to discuss this with Helen.
“And I don’t really know Collin, he’s a new person to get to know, and it’s weird being around him. Which I guess weirdness is obviously my new normal.”
“Of the three, Collin seems to be the most reasonable. He acts less out of impulse and emotion. He’s the thinker. Again, this is my perception of him, since we have not spoken in a therapy session.”
“He is the most calculating,” I retort, my eyes drawn to him at the bar where I see several women glancing his way.
“More Crestfield,” she says, and our eyes meet in some sort of unspoken understanding. “They all seem to have different motivations. What will move one may not move the other. They all respond differently. Have you ever taken a psychology class?”
“Yes, one in high school and college.”
“So in the most basic class you learn about psychic apparatus, Freud’s theory of an individual’s mental construct or psyche. Do you remember what id is?” She looks at me questioningly.
“Vaguely.”
“Okay. Id is impulsive, uncoordinated instinctual behaviors, which would be…” she trails off waiting for me to answer.
“Cal,” I guess quietly, and she nods.
“Then we have the super-ego which is our morals, our values…” she explains.
“Chris,” I answer, and she nods excitedly.
“Then we have ego, which is the organized, realistic part of us that is the go-between of the desires of the id and the super-ego. Which would be…”
“Collin,” I say, the realization dawning on me.
“You can’t have one aspect of the personality without the others. Together they create balance. I will say if there is a hope for integration to be possible, Collin would be the key to that.”
That statement alone causes my stomach and my head to drop.
“Lauren,” her voice is authoritative and makes me look directly into her warm eyes.
“I know that you love Cal. I know that you’ve grown to love Chris. I know that you don’t know Collin and he is very different from them, but he is every bit as much as your husband as Cal and Chris are. He is not an outsider or a guest star in your life, he’s a main player. To underestimate his significance or to attempt to alienate him would not be the smartest thing to do.”
I think back to earlier in the shower when I told him I missed Caylen and he said that he did too. Then, I thought he just said it to make me believe he was Chris or Cal, for it to be a gotcha moment when I realized that he wasn’t them. Now I think he may have meant it, and if he loves Caylen, that makes this a lot easier. Our waiter arrives and starts laying out the food for us. Helen and I break our gaze, and instantly she’s back to being the beautiful Crestfield woman who is just out for a lovely dinner. My eyes watch Dexter and Collin as they head back toward the table. Two Crestfield men. I briefly look at Helen and realize if I’m going to stay in this game, I’ll have to upgrade from checkers to chess.
It makes me nervous just thinking about it.
The rest of dinner went by smoothly. I stayed quiet most of the time, and I did manage to clean my entire plate that I planned on not ordering. Collin did grin at that. I watched him closer than I had before. There are differences, aside from him being cleaner cut than Chris, and more manicured than Cal, he is extremely articulate. He’s also attentive. I catch him watching me on more than one occasion, though catch may be the wrong word because it’s not as if he was doing it in secret. I feel like all of his actions are deliberate and not without thought. He is polite and extremely well-mannered. Cal is all confidence and cockiness, he could give a shit about who liked him or not, and that came with a sort of arrogance, but Collin is different. There’s an air to him—the type that comes with people who grew up with money—that realizes the world is watching them. I could lie to say I’m not fascinated by it. How there are resemblances of both Chris and Cal that I caught that those two don’t share.
Our ride back home is quiet, and this time instead of news radio he listens to smooth jazz, which surprises me.
“It helps me think,” he says aloud as if reading my mind, “and I remember that you enjoyed it too.” I glance at him and close my eyes. I remember the last time he was here, he said that he knew a lot. From him ordering for me at dinner, he obviously knows a lot about me, but he knows details, facts, and history. He doesn’t know me… I’m more than just a list of facts. But I know better than to underestimate him, what he knows and doesn’t know. I slip off my heels that seem smaller since the last time that I wore them. I try to remember when that was. It was with Cal when we went to elegant restaurants that used to excite me when we first started dating. The upscale restaurants never stopped, but I valued our alone time more than being out when things started to crumble with his so-called “business trips” as he referred to them back then.
“Can I ask you a question?” my voice is quiet and void of any resentment or sarcasm. I see his eyebrow lift ever so slightly.
“Of course.”
“You said earlier that you missed Caylen. Is that true or…”
“I don’t have a reason to lie to you, remember I don’t have an agenda.”
I frown a bit. “Everyone has an agenda. I’ve learned that the hard way.”
“Well, mine doesn’t need you to be in the dark or require you to believe anything other than the truth.”
I fight the urge to tell him that I don’t believe him, but I realize that isn’t going to get either of us anywhere.
“I want to ask you something, and it might not go along with your “agenda,” but I think it would be good… for all of us.”
I wait for him to give some type of indication, or tell me that he’s ok with my question but he doesn’t.
“And you don’t have to answer yes or no right now, but I hope that you’d consider it.” I tell him reluctantly, and I see a small smile break on his face.
“Okay,” he says.
“I think we should go back and stay in Michigan with Mrs. Scott for a while,�
�� I blurt out quick and look away from him once I say it. I think back to the time before I knew about his condition when I knew something was wrong. I had no clue and had asked him to go back to Raven’s with me. I remember thinking how much was riding on his answer. How much I needed him to say yes to give me faith back then, and how I knew if he said no that we were hopeless. This time it’s different. Now I know the truth. Now things have changed so much, and we’re both different people. This man is new and different, and in a way, I feel at his mercy. I know that Collin is set on taking over the Crestfield name and all that goes with it. I think he mainly wants money, and maybe the prestige. I can see Cal going along with that plan, but Chris definitely wouldn’t want any part of it—well the Chris I knew wouldn’t—but the Chris I saw last wasn’t anything like the Chris I knew.
“I know you’re trying to take over the Crestfield Empire and what not,” I say trying to keep the sarcasm and disdain out of my voice.
“I only want what’s owed to us. I’m securing financial stability not just for us but also for Caylen, and for Caylen's children. After everything, we’re owed that,” he says evenly.
“I understand, but can you do that remotely for a little while?”
“I will let you know.”
The rest of the ride home is quiet and when we arrive Collin gets out and helps me out of the car. Even though I don’t need it, he makes sure to open every door for me. He’s gallant, but distant. I’m tired, and the wine from earlier hasn’t entirely worn off, so I head upstairs and strip out of my clothes and fall across the bed. I think about everything that’s happened over the past few days and exhale. I grab my phone and see that I have a ton of missed calls and texts from everyone including Mrs. Scott, Raven, and Mr. Scott. I decide to write a mass text to all of them letting them know that I’m okay and will call everyone tomorrow. I edit it to add ‘we’re’ okay.
I wake up to see Collin standing in front of me, fully dressed but this time in a tan sweater over a white-collared shirt and khakis. He looks like a model straight out of Ralph Lauren.
“If we’re going to get to Madison before noon, you should probably start preparing. I’d prefer an early start.”
And just like that, he leaves the room. I rub my eyes and to make sure I’m not dreaming I pinch myself.
Chapter Four
Lauren
I sleep most of the ride back to Madison. I want to make sure I’m well rested so that I won’t be tired when I see Caylen. I called Mrs. Scott and told her that we were coming, and thankfully she seemed better than the last few times I’ve talked to her. I can’t begin to imagine what is going on in her heart or replaying in her mind. If Cal had done to me what Mr. Scott had done to her, I don’t know what I would do. My eyes glide over him, thinking of how many times I’ve made this ride, with Caylen, alone, with Chris, with Cal. Where my thoughts were then, where they are now, how things have changed so much. Not just for me but for his entire family. How broken things are for all of us.
“Do you think it would be better if we didn’t tell her who I am?”
He’s been quiet the entire time I’ve been up. “What do you mean?”
“For Gwen. After everything that’s happened, maybe this isn’t the most appropriate time for you to introduce us,” he says in a joking tone.
“God I haven’t even thought about that.” I rub my temples, feeling the stress coming on again. I don’t know when would be the appropriate time to say, ‘Hey, Chris has checked out again, and this is Collin, another one of his personalities.’ Not only that, I’m pretty sure that no one’s told her about what has happened over the past few days. It will be a shock for her to know that her son is really Dexter Crestfield Sr.’s biological son and that he pulled a gun on the man he thought was his father. I don’t know if she’s even speaking with Mr. Scott yet. It would be so much easier for Collin to be Chris, for her to get the comfort of normalcy. My eyes glide over Collin. He’s wearing a white button-down collared shirt, pushed up slightly below his elbow and slacks. I don’t know if he could even pull Chris off dressed the way he is.
“No, keeping secrets haven’t been good for anyone in this family,” I let out a laugh, and he nods in agreement. I feel a sudden panic. What happens if this goes on forever? How would Caylen handle this? I take a deep breath and store that in the back of my mind to sort out later. Right now I focus on seeing her smile, hearing her little voice. At least a version of her father is here now, and I have to be grateful for that. Collin opens the door for me, and I feel butterflies in my stomach since his hand has landed on the small of my back. We walk toward the house. He slows his normally quick stride so that I can lead. We approach the front door, and I knock. I can hear music playing, some country song with a woman crooning away about heartache. I remember how I used to listen to sad opera music when Cal left me, and I fight the distant ache that used to settle in my heart.
“Hi!” Gwen’s voice is enthusiastic, and her smile is wide when she opens the door. The same warmness that’s always around her is still there, and I’m relieved.
She pulls me into a hug and holds me tight. I look behind me and see Collin has stood back at the bottom of the stairs. She looks past me, her eyes wide with excitement as she looks down at him.
“What are you doing down there, honey? I made your favorite for lunch so hurry inside.” She’s doing a good job covering up whatever pain she’s feeling.
“Hello, Gwen,” Collin says evenly, but there’s a hint of warmness and a bit of sympathy to his voice which I haven’t heard from him before. I guess Gwen holds a special place in all of their hearts. I watch her eyes squint, and they dart to me before landing back on him. Realization dawns on her face, and there is obvious confusion, but she hides it well.
“Cal?” she asks with a small smile.
“Not exactly,” I walk into the kitchen, and I hear Collin follow behind me. She closes the door behind us, and we stand around awkwardly for a second.
“Hi, Gwen. I’m Collin,” he says, keeping one hand in his pocket and extending the other out to her. I see her swallow hard and her eyes widen, her eyes meet mine and I nod and smile. She lets out a nervous laugh.
“Oh.” She says biting her lip. Collin puts his outstretched hand back in his pocket.
“I understand that this can be quite a shock for you.” Gwen looks frozen for a moment, but then she smiles widely before shaking her head and giving him a big bear hug. After a half of a second, he hugs her back.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” Her eyes are closed tightly while holding him. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking, but I guess considering the circumstances, she’s glad that he’s home—here and safe—and in this moment I am too, especially after the events that just transpired. Collin looks over at me, and I give him a genuine smile. After a minute, she lets him go and wipes the wetness from her eyes.
“Well, do you like smothered pork chops and mashed potatoes?” she asks.
“I do.” Collin flashes a wide, charming smile, and I can’t help but blush.
“Great! Great.” She repeats to herself rubbing her palms on her thighs.
“How about you and I go check on Caylen?” Collin says to me.
“Yes, that’s a great idea, and I’ll set the table,” Gwen smiles. “She’s in her room.”
“Okay, we’ll be back.” Collin and I quickly leave the room, and I can imagine her letting out a big sigh of relief that things went so well when we leave.
“That wasn’t so bad right?” I whisper as we cross the house to Caylen’s room.
“As compared to what?” he asks smugly. I roll my eyes.
“Well, she could have fainted,” I laugh. I open the door to Caylen’s room, and I feel so much stress melt off me just seeing her. Tears immediately come to my eyes, and it’s the first moment in a week where I’ve been truly happy. She sleeps on her back and looks so peaceful just like her dad. Her dark, curly hair is in two pigtails, and I lean over and give her a kiss o
n the forehead.
“Mommy’s missed you so much sweetheart,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I’ve been gone.”
“I have to take the blame for that princess.” He kisses her on the cheek and puts his hand on hers. He squats down next to me and looks at her the same way Chris did.
“She’s the best thing we’ve ever done.” I can’t help but smile at this, and I put my hand on his. He looks at me a little surprised, and I’m surprised myself actually. I won’t say that it feels right, but it doesn’t feel as awkward as I thought it would be, even though he sort of flinched when I put my hand on his at first. What if Collin doesn’t like me? What if he secretly hates me? I could see Jenna being more of his type, but that’s neither here or there. Only happy thoughts now.
“I’m starving!” I say standing quickly. He does the same and gestures to the door.
“Ladies first.” I smile tightly before heading to the kitchen.
I wonder what Mrs. Scott is thinking. Her eyes are glued to Collin, and she’s been awkwardly silent for a woman whose marriage just imploded, and now her son’s alternate personality is sitting down for dinner with her.
“This is so good,” I say trying to fill the awkward silence.
“It’s delicious,” Collin adds.
“Oh thank you,” she smiles nervously. “Would you mind calling me mom?” she asks hesitantly. He smiles again, and I’m reminded of Chris.
“No, not at all.” I’m shocked by how warm he is with her.
“Good,” she lets out a relieved sigh. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but… where is Chris? Is there a reason that you’re here and not Cal?” she asks cautiously.
Collin looks over at me, almost as if asking for permission to answer honestly.
“Was it because of… what happened… what Will did…” her voice is lower and audibly shakier.
“When was the last time you spoke to him?” I ask hesitantly.
Her eyes fall. “He calls every day and leaves a message. I’m just not ready right now,” she says almost apologetically.