by Portia Moore
“It’s all in your own timing,” I squeeze her hand from across the table. She smiles but tears come to her eyes.
“Would you excuse me?” She stands from the table and quickly leaves the room.
“Maybe it’s best that we don’t tell her everything that happened at this particular moment,” Collin says quietly, and I nod in agreement.
The rest of the day is relatively quiet. Everyone is left alone with their own thoughts. Luckily Caylen drowns out so many of mine. She’s so happy to see me, clinging to me the last few hours of the day. Mrs. Scott disappears into her bedroom, I assume giving us our private time alone with Caylen or maybe making sure her emotions are in check before joining us. Collin has disappeared into Chris’s… or his old bedroom. When I walk past, he’s on the laptop and or cell phone, obviously trying to accomplish. His work is diligent, and he speaks with confidence and authority… so Crestfield-esque. The brief moments when he joins Caylen, and me he reminds me of Chris—gentle, kind, and not so stuffy. I think of how much time Cal has missed with our daughter. I think of how much I miss him—even with him making an extremely bad decision of trying to kill his dad, or who he thought was his dad—how broken he was when he realized everything that had happened to him as a child. How does anyone handle that? How does someone not blame himself even though he absolutely shouldn’t? As I hold Caylen in my arms, I think about how a mother could be so vile, so selfish, and hateful. How much further her actions reached beyond herself. Did she think it would hurt Dexter Sr.? From what Clayton told us, he didn’t so much as blink when he came and whisked his son away. How do you walk away from your child after that, when they need you the most? Growing up with the Scotts is probably a lot better than if he grew up as a Crestfield. Dexter Sr. gave me the creeps. Not in a perverted kind of way but in a way where you can sense someone’s desire for power, can almost hear the wheels clinking in their head. Collin has a bit of that same presence to him. I hate that he wants to be so involved in that world. I’d prefer to be as far from it as possible.
“Knock knock.” I turn to see Mrs. Scott at the door. Her long red hair is pulled into a low ponytail. Her eyes are wide and bright but puffy. I wonder how much she’s cried today.
“Hi,” I say cheerfully. She comes in and sits beside me and Caylen on the floor. Caylen keeps trying to eat the Play-Doh instead of making the cake I’ve been sculpting.
“She loves this stuff.” She laughs while taking a red piece and kneading it in her hands. “I’m going to be making dinner soon. Is there anything special you wanted… or you think that Collin would like?”
“Whatever you make will be great. You’re an amazing cook.”
“It helps to take my mind off things. Caylen did a great job of that too.” She twirls her finger around one of Caylen’s pigtails.
“I’m glad. I know she’s had a great time.”
“Has Will tried to reach out to Chris?” she asks steadily keeping her eyes on the Play-Doh Caylen’s been kneading.
I swallow the nervous lump in my throat. “Yeah, I actually called him…” I say feeling traitorous. Her eyebrows rise ever so slightly, but she doesn’t immediately ask for an explanation.
“There were some things that happened with Chris and I didn’t know who else to call.” She looks slightly hurt at my admission. “Not that I wouldn’t call you. It’s just after everything that happened, I didn’t want to put anything else on you,” I explain quickly.
“You can call me anytime you need me, Lauren. I know I haven’t exactly been myself but I took care of myself and two grown men while dealing with cancer. This won’t be the death of me.” She smiles but her voice is stern, and I nod letting her know that I understand.
“So what exactly happened? Why did you call him?” She asks, and I begin to tell her everything that happened. When I finish, tears are coming down both of our eyes. She shakes her head in disbelief.
“What type of woman would do that to her child?!” Gwen’s anger beats out her sadness.
“I know.”
“And Dexter. Ugh,” she growls. “I can’t believe William never told me.” Her lips are pressed together, and I realize that this situation isn’t going to bring them any closer.
“He said that Mr. Crestfield made him sign a confidentiality agreement,” I tell her hoping to soften the blow a bit. She lets out an angry sigh.
“I shouldn’t be surprised though, after everything that has happened.” She laughs bitterly. I pick up Caylen and hold her close to me before she wiggles out of my arms, her dollhouse now the receiver of her attention.
“My poor boy,” she says quietly, her thoughts obviously going back to the little boy that arrived on her doorstep all those years ago. “I’m so angry I feel warm!”
“Poor Cal, poor Chris… Collin.” She shakes her head and covers her face. “How are you doing, honey?”
“I’m doing,” I chuckle, and she nods sympathetically. “I’m more worried about him.” I admit looking toward the door as if he’ll show up.
She lets out a deep sigh and shakes her head. “Me and Will really screwed this up. We didn’t have a clue what to do, but it looks like we made all the wrong choices.” She starts to cry a little harder, and Caylen walks over to her looking in curiosity. She laughs and hugs her. I get up and grab a box of Kleenex taking one for myself and handing the box to her.
“Things could be worse.” I shrug, and she starts to laugh and I laugh too because it seems unlikely that it could be but things always could.
“Is he nice to you?” she asks after we both come down from our laughter.
I think for a moment. “He is actually,” I tell her honestly. “We haven’t been around each other long, but, I can’t say that he’s been mean…” I trail off, and she waits for me to continue.
I shrug. “He’s just so different and… new,” I say quietly. “Just kind of when I got over the get to know you hump,” I joke and she smiles.
“I’m glad William was there for you.”
A moment passes.
“He misses you, and he looks terrible,” I say honestly, knowing it probably won’t make her feel better.
“I’m sure he does. I just keep thinking about how arrogant I was. Thinking how superior I was to women I knew who’d been cheated on. Thinking that they chose the wrong man, or they let the spark go, or they couldn’t have really been in love. How that would never happen to me,” she shakes her head and laughs.
“I thought my love was enough.”
My heart breaks for her and I’m quiet not knowing what to say, how to comfort her. We all hope that, we have no choice but to believe anything else.
“I’m going to go get dinner started,” she says pushing herself off the floor. I start to tidy things up in the room from the big mess Caylen made. She follows Mrs. Scott out of the room.
“It’s fine, it’s become our ritual,” Mrs. Scott scoops her up in her arms and carries her to the kitchen. I make my way up the stairs to Chris’s room, remembering the first day I walked through it. How I was able to peep into a life that I’d never saw glimpses of before. The door is cracked open, and I see Collin on the phone pacing back and forth with the phone to his ear. His movements are smooth, his stare concentrated but not stressed. He glances at me and smiles. Whenever any of them smile, they have the ability to make a girl swoon. He puts up his finger to say give me one sec, and then tells whoever is on the line that they’ll connect later and hangs up. He walks toward me, his eyes on mine.
“You wanted to talk to me?” We’re only inches apart, and being near him makes my pulse race and my memory go to places they shouldn’t right now. He smells good, like Cal having used his shampoo and wash and for a moment I forget why I’m here. My thoughts taking me to moments of the past.
“Dinner. Mrs. Scott is making dinner,” I say hating my voice for being weak. He looks at me amused and resembles Cal in this moment more than he ever has before. For a moment I wonder if this is a trick, if this is
really the man I’ve always known and fell in love with. Especially when he tilts his head to the side and with a hint of a smile looks into my eyes and asks me if I’m okay. No, I’m not okay. This is so freakin' confusing, and I miss him so much.
“Yeah,” I lie. “You’ve been working a lot.” I try to change the subject.
He nods. “That’s sort of what I do.”
“Right,” I stuff my hands in the pocket of my jeans, and glue my eyes to my shoes. It’s starting to become too hard to look at him without wanting to kiss him. But he’s not Cal, and surely not Chris. He’s Collin, and I’m not even sure if he’s attracted to me… not that him being so should be a priority with as much going on as it is.
“How long did you plan on staying here?” he asks me and I shrug, feeling like a high school girl with a crush on her teacher.
“Well, I just think it’s important for me to start seeing Helen.” I look up at him in shock. He smiles widely, then steps a bit closer to me, and I hold my breath.
“I’m not your enemy Lauren, if anything I’m your asset. I want what you want.”
“Which is…?” I search his eyes, the eyes that can reveal so much and so little about him.
He leans down near my ear. “For us to exist as a whole.” His lips graze my cheek before leaving the room.
Family dinners shouldn’t make you nervous, but we haven’t exactly had a good track record with them. It’s hard not to shake the feeling of dread that’s lurking in the back of my mind regardless of how good the food is. It feels less tense than it was earlier, but I guess it would be for a woman to meet another segment of her son. Caylen being here has helped the awkwardness in the room as well. Laughing and spitting out random words she’s picked up. What’s the most shocking to me is how smitten she is with Collin and he with her. He just didn’t seem like someone who would take to a child. I catch him making funny faces at her, and she bursts into giggles which make us all do the same. It’s especially funny how serious he looks in between his goofs for her laughter.
“This is so good. Your food could be the answer to world peace,” I joke destroying the last of my asparagus. I don’t even like asparagus, but the moment I put it in my mouth, I fell in love.
“You’re too kind,” she says bashfully.
“It really is spectacular. Have you ever thought about writing a cookbook,” Collin asks, and she smiles brightly.
“Thank you, no I haven’t. I have recipes here and there,” she says a little taken aback.
“That would be an awesome idea actually,” I say encouraging her and she fans her hand.
“I’m serious. It’s the digital age, and it’s much easier to market and create a platform,” he continues. He starts to go into the analytics of e-commerce and the ideal conditions for content to go viral, and we both look on a bit stunned.
“That is something to think about. At the very least it’d give me something to do, and I’d always wanted to pass along my recipes.”
“I could help you with whatever you need,” he adds, then turns his attention towards me.
“And an art gallery in the area we’re in, you have the perfect demographics.” Collin finishes a glass of wine and it’s my turn to be stunned. My thoughts drift back to the night when Cal suggested it, but we are interrupted by knocks at the door.
“Are you expecting anyone?” Collin asks and I can see her eyes widen.
“No,” she says quietly. Collin stands and goes to open the door.
“I knew she was here!” I can’t help but crack a wide smile hearing that voice.
“Hillary!” I say excitedly getting up from my seat.
“Nice hair cut, Cal.” She jokes referring to his hair being styled so neatly. She maneuvers past him, and he steps back gesturing for her to go.
“What are you doing here?” I ask surprised as she tackles me into a hug.
“Aidan,” she giggles in my ear, and my mouth drops in shock.
“What?!” I scream and Collin clears his throat.
“Since when did you become such a prude, Cal,” she laughs rolling her eyes.
“Actually I’m not Cal, and Gwen is sitting right here,” he says slightly annoyed.
“No, it’s okay, Collin.” Mrs. Scott turns red with embarrassment.
“Who the hell is Collin?” Hillary asks, confusion evident all over her face as she shoots me a glance.
“I’m Collin!” he says with a sigh.
“Not another one,” Aidan is in the kitchen now looking exasperated.
“Aidan…” Collin gives him a half-hearted greeting.
Aidan begins to laugh. “What are you auditioning for the cover of Ralph Lauren?” Hillary joins in laughing with him while giving Caylen a quick kiss on the cheek. Both Mrs. Scott and I turn red.
“Aidan!” Mrs. Scott says in a warning tone. He throws his hands up in defense, his laughter only subsiding a small amount.
“It’s okay, Gwen. Kids will be kids,” Collin says returning to his seat.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Red. It’s just…” he looks at Collin with confusion all over his face.
“Don’t look at me,” Hillary squeals. I can see she’s trying her hardest not to laugh.
“It’s just so weird,” he looks at Collin as if he’s trying to examine him. I have to give it to Collin. He only looks mildly perturbed. Cal would have punched Aidan in the face by now.
“Chris, come out!!!” Aidan says loud and exaggerated in Collin’s face, and at that point I realize they both smell like Tequila. They’re drunk! I see Collin stand, and I immediately rush over between them.
“What, are you upset prep school?” Aidan asks.
“Collin, please.” I beg him, but I only see his fist clench. “Please not while Caylen is here.” I beg and he allows me to guide him to the other side of the room.
“Aidan, you’ve got to go right now,” Mrs. Scott leads him toward the door with Hillary in tow.
“I’m going to call you, hun!!!” Hillary sings to me.
The Scotts kitchen is seriously jinxed.
“I’m so sorry about that,” I say breathlessly once we make it upstairs to Chris’s room. Collin lets out a held in breath and rubs the back of his neck. His skin is tinted red, and it’s the only tell that he’s flustered. Though I admit, it’s nice to see that he can be affected, that he’s human.
“It’s not your fault that Chris’s friends are idiots,” he sits on his bed.
“Well, one of those idiots is my friend.”
“They were just drunk,” he says calmly. I chuckle watching him remembering my thought from earlier.
“What?” he asks curiously.
I shrug. “Earlier I just had this thought that you were Cal playing me,” I admit.
He grins. “Yes, Calvin has a hard time walking away.”
“Yeah, that he does,” I say, and my thoughts can’t help but drift to when he walked away from me.
“He loves you.”
My eyes widen. “Are you a mind reader?” I joke to lighten the mood.
“You don’t have to be psychic to tell what those you’re closest too are thinking,” he says, and I wrap my arms around myself. It’s so odd for him to look at me as if he knows all of my secrets. I think of his words from earlier, saying that we want the same thing, that he wants them to be one. Chris nor Cal has ever said that to me.
“When you said earlier that you want what I want, about you all being one, you really feel that way?” I cautiously sit near him on the bed.
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“How do we do that?” I am almost afraid to hear the answer.
“Is that really what you want?” he asks me, and his look is serious.
“Of course that’s what I want. Why wouldn’t I?” I ask offended.
“The man who comes out on the other side may not be the one you fell in love with,” he says, and I swallow hard.
“Please don’t tell me that you’re going to ask me who I love t
he most,” I laugh nervously.
“No, there isn’t a competition. If we all don’t cross the finish line then none of us will, but if they don’t believe that, none of us have hope,” he says quietly.
“The barn’s been cleared.” We turn to see Mrs. Scott in the doorway with Caylen on her hip. “I could put her to bed if you like.” she says a little awkwardly.
“No, I can do it,” I quickly stand.
“Are you sure,” she asks again. I look back over at Collin.
“No it’s fine, I’m sure she’s missed that,” he answers back.
“Okay.” I go over to Mrs. Scott.
The weight of his words are heavy in the air. Does he realize what he’s just told me, how important that is to me?
“Collin, do you mind if we talk for a little while?” Mrs. Scott asks as I take Caylen from her arms. I wonder if she heard what he said, I wonder if she believes him.
“I’ll be downstairs,” I tell her before leaving the room.
Collin
Most men think women are difficult to understand.
Too complicated to figure out, their motives foreign. I’ve found the opposite to be true. It doesn’t take someone to be a genius to understand them—even though with my IQ it wouldn’t be misleading to call me that. It just takes attention, the majority of them are easy to read. Understand what motivates them as an individual, not as an entire sex. It’s all different—love, control, consistency, wealth, assurance, and fear. The same things that motivate men—because when it comes down to it, we all want the same things—we’re just guided by different principals.
Once motivation is found, determine if they’re seeking acceptance. Are they operating out of guilt? Who is on offense, who is on defense? The person that knows their place holds the power. Most people don’t know what to do with that power when they get it, and if they don’t know that, they won’t keep it.
It’s all very simple. Give a person what they’re lacking, make sure you know that you have something that they want or think that they need, and if they don’t need it, you make them believe that they do. It is what both Cal and Chris didn’t understand.