Clean Break

by Wilson, Jacqueline

  It was a success at first, because his prices were very low and if kids came along and looked wistful he’d often bung them free fairy bubbles or pixie toffees. He even hired himself out to do themed fairy parties on Saturdays. All the little girls loved him. The mums loved him too. But whenever Dad had an acting job he shut the stall up, and even when he wasn’t working he couldn’t always be bothered to trail down to the Palace and sit inside his Fairyland. He started to lose customers, so Mum would attach a little card to his white security railings: IF YOU FANCY ANY OF THE FAIRIES, PLEASE APPLY TO JULIE AT THE RAINBOW HAIRDRESSING SALON ON THE THIRD FLOOR.

  Mum went into work five days a week, sometimes six when they were short-staffed, and she worked right through till ten on Thursdays, when it was late-night shopping. She really did dye people’s hair all colours of the rainbow. Vita and I begged her to dye our hair shocking pink or deep purple or bright blue but she just laughed at us.

  She went back to work on 2nd January. I stayed at home with Vita and Maxie and Gran. I got out my brand-new journal and sat staring at the first blank page. After ten minutes I wrote: Saw Dad. I waited, sucking the end of my pen. Then I closed the journal with a snap. I didn’t feel like writing any more.

  It was a long long long day. I couldn’t wait for Mum to come home. She was later than usual. I started to get excited. Maybe that meant Mum and Dad were having a drink together, talking things over. Maybe right this minute Dad was telling Mum he had made a terrible mistake. Then he’d kiss her the way he’d kissed Sarah. They’d come home together, arms wrapped round each other, our mum and dad.

  I went running to the front door as soon as I heard the key in the lock. Mum was standing there all by herself. Her face was grey with the cold and there were snail-trails of mascara down her cheeks.

  ‘It’s the wind making my eyes water,’ she said, wiping them.

  ‘Did you see Dad?’ I asked softly, not wanting Gran to hear.

  Mum shook her head. She closed her eyes but the tears still seeped out under her lids. I put my arms round her.

  ‘He’ll go to the Palace tomorrow,’ I said.

  He didn’t. He didn’t go there the next day or the day after that. He didn’t ever have his mobile phone switched on. There was no way we could get hold of him.

  ‘I need his address. Suppose there’s some terrible emergency?’ said Mum. ‘Can’t you remember where this Sarah lived, Em? What was the name of the road?’

  I thought hard but it was no use. I’d been in such a state of despair and embarrassment I hadn’t taken any of it in. I couldn’t even remember which station we’d got out at, though Mum made me stare at a tube map to try to jog my memory. I stared until all the coloured lines wavered and blurred. None of the names meant anything to me.

  ‘For God’s sake, Em, how could you be so useless?’ Mum snapped.

  I went off by myself and had a private weep in the toilet. I felt useless. I twirled my emerald ring round and round my finger, wishing it was magic so I could conjure Dad from thin air.

  I couldn’t understand how I’d been so mad with Dad on New Year’s Day. Why hadn’t I given him a goodbye kiss? I’d have given anything to kiss him now.

  I knew Vita felt the same way. She was unusually quiet during the day, sitting curled up with Dancer. She went to bed without a fuss and seemed to go to sleep straight away but when I woke in the night I heard someone sobbing. I thought it was Maxie and stumbled out of bed to his little lair. He was huddled up with his bears, breathing heavily, fast asleep. The sobbing seemed to be coming from my own bed.

  ‘Vita?’ I whispered. ‘Are you crying?’

  She was howling, her head under her pillow. She was wearing Dancer like a big furry glove.

  ‘Hey, come out, you’ll suffocate.’

  Vita turned away from me, hands over her face, embarrassed.

  ‘It’s OK, Vita. Here, have you got any tissues?’

  ‘I’ve used them all up,’ Vita gulped.

  ‘Hang on, I’ll go and get you some loo-roll.’

  I slipped out of bed again, pulled off a long pink streamer of Andrex and tiptoed back to our bedroom.

  ‘Is that you, Em? Are you all right?’ Mum called from her bedroom.

  ‘Yeah, Mum, I’m fine,’ I whispered, not wanting to worry her. It sounded like Mum might have been crying too.

  I got back into bed with Vita and tried to mop her face for her.

  ‘Get off! I’ll do it,’ she said fiercely.

  When she’d finished wiping and blowing and snuffling I tried putting my arms round her. She didn’t wriggle away.

  ‘Poor Dancer, you’ve made her all wet,’ I said, feeling her. ‘Have you stopped crying now?’

  ‘I’m trying to. But I just keep thinking about Dad and how I wouldn’t listen to him and now he’s so mad at me he won’t come and see me—’

  ‘Rubbish! Dad never gets mad at anyone, especially you, Vita. You know you’re his favourite.’

  ‘I’m not!’ said Vita, but she sounded hopeful.

  ‘You’re everyone’s favourite,’ I said, sighing.

  Vita gave a small pleased snort.

  ‘Blow your nose again,’ I said, giving her another wad of loo-roll.

  She tried to blow her nose with her Dancer hand.

  ‘There now, Princess Vita,’ I made Dancer say. ‘We all come over a little weepy at times. Let me wipe your little nose for you. There now. Shall I tell you a secret?’

  ‘What?’ said Vita.

  ‘You’re my favourite too. You’re much prettier than boring fat old Em and you’re not a silly little sausage like Maxie.’

  Vita giggled. ‘Yes, he is a silly little sausage,’ she said. She paused. ‘Em’s a bit pretty. She’s got lovely hair.’

  ‘She’s got a lovely nature too, putting up with a sister like you,’ I said.

  ‘When Dad comes next time I’m going to be much much nicer to him,’ said Vita, snuffling. ‘So long as he doesn’t bring that Sarah!’

  ‘She’s horrible,’ I agreed. ‘Dad’s gone mad, liking her better than Mum.’

  ‘When I’m married I’m not going to let my husband run off,’ said Vita.

  ‘I’m not going to get married at all,’ I said. ‘It’s too easy to pick the wrong person. I’m going to live all by myself and I’m going to eat all my favourite things every day and stay up as late as I like, and I shall read all day and write stories and draw pictures with no one bothering me or fussing or needing to be looked after.’

  ‘Won’t you be lonely?’ said Vita.

  ‘I shall have a friendly dog and a little cat to curl up on my lap. My sister Vita will come visiting riding on Dancer the Reindeer with her good kind obedient husband and six pretty little girls, and my brother Maxie will come visiting with his big bold wife and his six silly little sausage boys and so I will have more than enough company, thank you.’

  ‘Will Mum come visiting too?’

  ‘Yes, of course. I’ll take her on holiday and make her happy.’

  ‘And Dad?’

  ‘He’ll come too,’ I said. ‘He’ll have made this fantastic Hollywood movie and be ever so rich and famous so he’ll have his own special holiday beach house. We’ll all go and stay, and swim and laze on the beach and be happy happy happy.’

  ‘Happy happy happy,’ Vita murmured. Then she was still, suddenly asleep.

  I lay awake for a long time, trying to tell stories to myself. I could make them seem real enough to comfort Vita, but it was much harder trying to convince myself. I eased Dancer off Vita’s hand and made her stroke my head with her furry paws.

  ‘Cheer up, dear old Em,’ Dancer said. ‘Don’t you start crying now. Chin up, big smile, that’s my girl. Now, close your eyes and snuggle down and go fast asleep. Fast asleep. Fast fast asleep.’

  I didn’t manage to go fast asleep. It was a very slow process, and even then I still woke up very early. I decided to fix myself a bowl of cornflakes and have a private early breakfast with my
book. I was rereading Elsie No-Home by Jenna Williams. Elsie was good fun, even though she told terrible jokes. I understood exactly how she felt having to look after her little sister and brother all the time.

  Mum was sitting at the kitchen table in her nightie, sipping a cup of tea. We both jumped. Mum spilled half her cupful into her black nylon lap.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum! I didn’t mean to startle you,’ I said quickly, scared she might get cross with me again.

  ‘It’s not your fault, Em,’ said Mum. ‘Oh come here, love. Don’t look so worried. I’m sorry I’ve been so snappy with you.’

  She dabbed at her nightie and then I climbed onto her damp lap. I must have really squashed her but she didn’t complain. She held me and rocked me like a little baby.

  ‘My Em,’ she said. ‘What would I do without you, eh? We’ve come through thick and thin together, you and me, babe. Do you remember your real dad?’

  ‘A bit,’ I said cautiously. I didn’t like remembering.

  ‘Whenever he yelled or hit me you’d come and find me crying. You’d put your chubby little arms round me and tell me not to cry, remember? You’ve always looked after me, Em. And now you look after Vita and Maxie too.’

  ‘So I’m not really useless?’

  ‘Oh don’t! I was so mean to say that. I’m sorry, love. Hey, how about coming to the Palace with me today? You be my best girl and help out, yeah?’

  I was thrilled at the suggestion. I went off to work with Mum, while Vita and Maxie had to stay at home with Gran.

  I loved Violet, the lady who owned the Rainbow Hair Salon. She was quite old, about Gran’s age, but she dyed her own hair a crazy pink, and crammed her plump body into very small girly clothes. She always wore hugely high heels, though by the end of the day she usually kicked them off and shuffled round in her stockinged feet.

  She pretended not to recognize me. ‘So you’re the new apprentice, are you, sweetie?’ she said. ‘How do you do! I’m glad you’re coming to work for me. We’d better find you an overall.’

  She wrapped a big blue robe round me. It came right down to my ankles but it didn’t really matter. I rolled the sleeves up and started cleaning the washbasins and sweeping the floor. When Mum had her first client I rinsed off all the shampoo and wrapped a fresh towel round her neck and then I passed Mum the brush and comb and made the client a cup of coffee while Mum tinted her hair. It was great fun, especially when the client gave me a couple of pounds as a tip! I wasn’t sure whether she was joking or not.

  I showed the money to Violet, asking if I should put it in the till.

  ‘No, darling, don’t be silly! It’s all yours. You’ve jolly well earned it too. You’re a nice willing little worker. Your mum can bring you along any time you’re off school.’

  I grinned at Violet.

  ‘So where’s that dad of yours? His fairy shop is still shut up. Can’t he get out of bed these days?’

  My grin faded. I looked anxiously at Mum.

  ‘Oh, Vi, you know what Frankie’s like,’ she said lightly.

  ‘Yeah, I know all right,’ said Violet, shaking her head. She was looking at Mum intently, her eyes narrowed. She took three pound coins out of the till.

  ‘Here, Em, call these your wages. So now you’ve got a fiver, right? Why don’t you have a little skip round the Palace and see what you want to buy with all this lovely lolly.’

  I knew she wanted me out of the way so she could have a proper talk to Mum about Dad. I looked at Mum. She nodded at me. So I sloped off, clutching the five coins in the palm of my hand. I jingled them around, trying to feel pleased I had so much to spend. It was all mine. I didn’t have to divide it into three to share with Vita and Maxie. They hadn’t earned it, I had.

  I went to the T-shirt stall and looked at the five-pound bargain rail. I liked a purple T-shirt with a little cat with diamanté eyes on the front, but it had some funny words on it too.

  ‘Maybe your mum and dad might mind. It’s a bit rude,’ said Manny, the T-shirt guy. He had some very very rude words on his T-shirt. ‘Maybe your dad could find you a fairy T-shirt,’ he suggested.

  ‘Maybe,’ I said.

  I spent ages at the Fruity Lips make-up booth, trying out all the nail varnish testers, purple, silver and navy blue. My nails were so bitten and stubby I could only fit a slither of colour on each finger. I smeared some sample lipsticks round my mouth and smudged mascara on my lashes experimentally.

  ‘You look beautiful, Em,’ said Stevie, the guy who owned Fruity Lips. I think he was maybe kidding me.

  ‘Hey, is Frankie around? I just have to tell him what happened to me over Christmas. I need his advice. It’s been the best Christmas ever! Did you guys have a great Christmas?’

  ‘We had lovely presents,’ I said carefully.

  ‘Kids!’ said Stevie. ‘That’s all you care about, your presents.’

  I didn’t argue with him. I wandered down the aisle to the Jewel in the Crown and gently ran my finger along the hanging bead necklaces so that they tinkled. Angelica just laughed. She was always specially friendly to me and let me try on any jewellery I fancied. I tried on every green bangle and bracelet so that they clanked right up to my elbows.

  ‘You’re going for the co-ordinated look, right?’ said Angelica, flicking her long hair out of her face. She wore so many rings and bangles herself she jangled when she moved.

  ‘Yeah, to match my emerald ring,’ I said, showing it to her proudly.

  ‘Oh wow, that’s lovely,’ said Angelica, holding my hand and admiring my ring from every angle. ‘Is it your mum’s?’

  ‘No, it’s my very own ring. Dad gave it to me for Christmas,’ I boasted.

  ‘Your dad is just so wonderful,’ said Angelica, sighing. ‘His stand is still shut up. Is he coming in today? I was wondering about buying a really big fairy to display some of my jewellery. Do you think he could find one for me?’

  ‘I’m sure he could. I’ll tell him when I see him,’ I said, and slipped away.

  I went right to the end of the aisle. I peered through the white security railings into Dad’s darkened Fairyland. The luminous stars stuck on the ceiling shimmered softly. A single strand of fairy lights flicked on and off, on and off, on and off, red and deep blue and amber and glowing emerald green. I looked at the fairies inside, grey and ghostly in the half-light, wings limp, wands trailing.

  ‘Wish for Dad to come back,’ I whispered. ‘Wish wish wish.’

  I shut my eyes and imagined every single fairy waving her wand and wishing, all the big fairy dolls and the little fairy ornaments, all the fairies on the prints and postcards, all the carved fairies on the rosebud soap and the lavender candles, all the pouting baby fairies on the dolls’ china tea sets and all the beautiful painted fairies inside all the Casper Dream books.

  6

  I WAS VERY worried about going back to school. Dad still hadn’t come back. I didn’t know whether to tell Jenny and Yvonne, my best friends.

  We hadn’t been friends for that long. I’d only been at this school since we moved in with Gran. It had been horrible trying to fit in with a new class of kids. They didn’t treat me like a proper person at first. I was simply Fatty and Greedy-guts and Hippo and The Lump.

  Dad heard them calling me names one time last year when he came to collect me from school. He acted like he hadn’t heard a thing, but next Monday morning he dropped a handful of tiny silver glittery fairies inside my school bag.

  ‘These aren’t selling very well in Fairyland,’ he said. ‘Maybe you’d like to give a few of your special friends a present?’

  He knew I didn’t have any friends, special or otherwise. The fairies were a cunning bribe. I wasn’t sure they would work though. I thought the fairies were magical but probably the other girls would think them pathetic or babyish.

  I decided I’d keep them incarcerated in my school bag along with my secret comfort Mars bars and Galaxies, but one fell out as I was taking my homework out of my bag and Jenny picked
her up.

  Jenny was the girl who sat in front of me. She had very glossy neat black hair, bright blue eyes and pink cheeks, just like one of those little wooden Dutch dolls. I’d always liked the look of Jenny. She liked reading and always had a spare storybook stuffed in her school bag. She sometimes read underneath her desk in maths. She wasn’t too clever at maths like me, but she didn’t seem to care. She wasn’t that great at sporty things either. Her cheeks went even pinker when she ran, and her arms and legs stuck out stiffly as if she was really made of wood. She never joined in any games of football or rounders or skipping in the playground. She liked to go over to the brick wall by the bike shed, hitch herself up and sit swinging her legs, reading her book. I always wanted to clamber up beside her and read my book too, but there was one small problem. Yvonne.

  She was Jenny’s best friend. She really was small, only up to Jenny’s shoulders, a little skinny girl with a mop of curly red hair. She didn’t seem to think much of reading. She didn’t sit on the wall beside Jenny, she did handstands up against it, showing us her matchstick legs and her white knickers. She was so-so at most school things but brilliant at arithmetic, so lucky Jenny got to copy off her.

  Jenny and Yvonne had very little in common but they’d been best friends since their first day at nursery school together, so it didn’t seem remotely possible that they’d ever split up so that I could be Jenny’s best friend.

  They weren’t mean to me like some of the other kids. They were so caught up in their own happy best-friend world they barely noticed me. Until Jenny picked up my fairy.

  ‘Oh look! She’s so lovely. Where did you get her, Emily?’ Jenny asked, balancing the fairy on the palm of her hand.

  ‘She comes from Fairyland,’ I said.

  Jenny looked at me. I blushed scarlet in case she thought I meant a real fairyland.

  ‘It’s a stall in the Pink Palace; down near the market,’ I said quickly. ‘It’s called Fairyland. My dad runs it, when he’s not acting.’

  ‘Is he that guy with the long hair?’ said Yvonne. ‘Yeah, I think I’ve seen him on telly. I saw him in The Bill once. So he’s your dad, Emily?’