by Rhonda Bowen
“Don’t be too sure,” Toni said, turning slightly toward him again. “Which reminds me, you owe me an interview.”
Adam stuck his hands in his pockets. “Yeah,” he said, turning to look at her. “At the end of the trip.”
“Come on, Adam. I’m already here. It’s too late for me to back out.” She tilted her head slightly. “How about now?”
Adam raised an eyebrow as he stared at Toni questioningly. “Now? Don’t you need to get ready?”
Toni smiled sweetly. “I’m always ready.”
Adam knew instinctively that she wasn’t just talking about the interview. He watched her pull out her cell phone from the back pocket of her cut-off jeans and start surfing through it.
“I have a voice recorder on this thing,” she clarified.
“And what about your questions?”
“All up here,” she said, tapping her temple with one finger. She sat down on the ground and patted the space beside her, inviting Adam to join her.
He watched her make herself comfortable on the sand, his eyes drawn to her long bare legs like the waters of the Gulf to the shore. It wasn’t like he didn’t try. He did really, but she was wearing shorts and he was already having problems keeping his eyes off her on a whole as it was. He would find himself on his knees for where his thoughts were going.
However, in spite of how inviting she appeared, he was still apprehensive about being interviewed by Toni. Something about the way she looked at him whenever they were together made him feel like she saw right through him. He wasn’t sure how much he wanted her to know about who he was, but he had a feeling that once she started asking questions, he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from answering.
He sighed and sat down anyway.
“It won’t be so bad,” Toni said teasingly. “I promise to be gentle.”
“You don’t know how to do gentle,” Adam said dryly.
Toni tilted her head to the side thoughtfully. “Okay, you have a point there,” she admitted. “I’ll do my best.”
She switched on the voice recorder. “How long have you been at Jacob’s House?”
Adam squinted as he tried to remember the exact date. “Three and a half years.”
“What made you go there?” Toni asked.
Adam shrugged. “I had just finished my tour with the army, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I talked to the chaplain on our base and he told me about Immanuel Temple and how they had this home for delinquent boys called Jacob’s House. He made a few calls to Pastor Reynolds and I ended up there.”
“Did you have any experience working with young boys?” Toni asked.
“Not past the squad I was in charge of in the army,” Adam said, resting his arms on his bent knees as he looked out to the ocean.
“So why did they think you could be in charge of twenty-one boys in the equivalent of a juvenile hall?”
Adam shrugged. “I guess I didn’t realize what it would involve. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have agreed to it.”
“Tell me about your life before the army.”
Adam felt his body tense involuntarily. He looked at Toni, who was watching him innocently.
“I grew up in Baltimore in the projects with my sister and six older brothers,” he said. “My mom and pops were solid from as far back as I can remember, and they tried to keep us out of trouble.
“But I guess raising seven boys in the projects isn’t easy. I got into a little trouble with my brothers every now and then, and when I turned eighteen my mother decided that the best way to save me was to send me away. So she made me enlist.”
“Were you the only one in your family who enlisted?” Toni asked.
“Yup,” Adam said with a nod. “Everyone else pretty much got their act together by the time they graduated high school. But my grades weren’t the greatest and going to college without a scholarship would have been impossible. As well as keeping me out of trouble, the army was the only way I could afford an education.”
Toni nodded and looked out at the sea. “You said you used to get into trouble. Tell me about that.”
Adam swallowed a lump in his throat and tried to think of the best way not to lie. “You know what the projects are like.” He hoped he didn’t sound as vague as he was trying to be. “There was always a gang or three to get mixed up in. It was pretty hard to avoid them. My mom wanted to make sure I didn’t end up ...”
Adam’s brow furrowed as he caught himself. “She wanted better for me than what Baltimore offered to young black men.” He looked away from Toni. “It’s the same thing with the guys. I know what their community, the police, even their own families expect to happen with them. They’re supposed to drop out of school, get some low-paying factory job, have a bunch of babies with a bunch of different women, and end up either selling drugs or going to prison or both. But that doesn’t have to be their future. They can choose another option. God wants more for them than that, and I want them to want more for themselves.
“That’s why I got mad when I saw Rasheed mackin’ on that girl the way he was. ’Cause if he keeps going that way, then he’s gonna end up with some kid he didn’t plan for, and his life will be a lot more difficult. He should already know that.”
Adam forced himself to stop. He knew he was getting worked up about things, but the constant fear of seeing the boys fail always hung heavy on him like a lead vest. Theoretically he knew that he couldn’t save them—only the Spirit of God could set their minds on the right path. He knew that he could only give them the best options and after that it was on them to choose. But somehow in his heart he always felt responsible when they chose wrong. He took it personally when one of them ended up back in prison or dropped out of school. He felt like he had failed them all over again. It made him think of others he had failed in the past.
“You feel like your success and failure is tied to theirs, don’t you?” Toni said, reading his thoughts perfectly.
He felt her eyes boring into him, seeing more of him than he wanted anyone else to see, getting too close to the things that Adam had tried to hide away from everyone, even God.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw her hit the pause button on the phone recording.
“You shouldn’t do that,” she said quietly. She reached over and touched his shoulder. “You’ll burn yourself out. Those boys are smart. They know what will happen to them if they mess up. You’ve given them all the opportunities you can. Stop feeling guilty because of the choices they make. It’s about them—not you.”
Her last words made him look up at her. She was watching him with concern. She hadn’t intended to insult him or put him down. She was just telling him the way it was.
He sighed. “I know,” he said after a moment. “I guess that’s the control freak in me that you and Jerome like to talk about.”
Toni’s mouth fell open a little bit. He grinned, loving that for once he had been able to catch her off guard. He knew she and Jerome had thought no one had heard them while they were talking about him in the back of the orientation session the previous day.
“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” she stammered.
“Maybe both of you shouldn’t talk so loudly during orientation then,” he said.
“Let’s get back to the interview,” Toni said, turning the phone back on, and still a bit ruffled. “What does the future of Jacob’s House look like?”
A thousand thoughts sprang to Adam’s mind but he looked down at the sand and said nothing for a moment. “I don’t know,” he said finally. “I would love to see the place expand, accommodate more boys. I would love to have more staff, and more equipment, and see the program do more for the boys once they get to the age where they have to leave. A lot of these guys are really talented, but they don’t know the first place to go to get direction. I would love to see some sort of extension program that helps with that.” He watched Toni nod as if understanding.
“What about your future?”
He shrugge
d. “I don’t know. If you had told me seven years ago I would be doing this, I would have laughed, but here I am. I am learning to take things day by day as God leads.”
“Final question,” Toni said, stretching and sitting up straight. “Any regrets?”
Images from Adam’s past flashed before his eyes in quick succession, bringing with them the heart-wrenching emotions that were so tangible they often kept him awake at night. He looked out at the vast horizon, which seemed to go on into eternity. It seemed endless, like the pain that he had carried with him for so many years. He knew about regrets. Knew lots about them.
He could feel Toni’s eyes on him again, waiting for his answer. But he was tired of answering questions. He stood to his feet and brushed the sand off his pants. “I think you have enough for your piece,” he said, reaching a hand down to her.
She looked at him curiously for a moment before grasping his hand and letting him pull her up into a standing position. She held onto his hand a moment longer, forcing him to turn his eyes on her. The expression there held him in place and sent a chill through his bones. Even moments after she let go and wordlessly began the trek back to the house, her last look haunted him.
It was impossible, but for a moment, it had felt like she knew everything.
Before that morning Toni thought she could handle anything. But the moment she stepped out of the van that brought them into the community of houses that HFH would be building, she realized that she was out of her depth. She had seen the pictures of what Katrina had done on the television, had watched the reports. She had even heard some of her fellow journalists talk about what they saw when they visited the affected areas. But there was nothing like seeing it firsthand. Toni couldn’t believe that even after so long there were still places like where she was standing. Places that looked like the hurricane had just passed through some days earlier instead of some years. What was worse, there were actually people living underneath these piles of board and dirt.
“Pretty bad, eh?” murmured Tina from beside her.
Toni didn’t remember whether she nodded or not. In fact, she remembered little of what she actually did that day—even though her muscles burned from the manual labor, and the heat of the sun sucked every ounce of strength out of her. She felt like her efforts were useless.
She had no concept of time, except that at some point she noticed the sun dipping down behind the horizon and realized that they probably had been out there most of the day.
The work teams, which included several other groups from inside and around Mississippi, broke up for the day and got on the buses that would take them back to the house. Toni rested her head against the window and sighed as she looked back at the work site, which in her mind’s eye only looked mildly better than it had when they had arrived that morning.
“How you feeling?” Tina asked, falling into the seat next to Toni.
Toni sighed again. “Useless.”
Tina laughed. “I know,” she said. “We always feel that way on the first day. Especially the first time out. But you’ll feel different soon.”
“Look at all these houses, Tina,” Toni said, nodding to the other dilapidated structures they passed on their way out of the community. “When will all of these get rebuilt? What will happen to the people who live here until then?”
“You have to take it one day at a time, chica,” Tina said, putting a reassuring hand on Toni’s. “This community wasn’t built in a day. We can’t rebuild it in one day either. But we do what we can. We build one house at a time until it all gets done.”
“And when is that?” Toni asked. “It’s been years.”
Tina sighed. “I know. That’s the hard part. But you know what? It’s just like these muchachos. They come to us at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, after years of bad influence. We can’t fix everything in one day. We can’t fix anything in one year. But does that mean we don’t try? No. We have to try. We have to do a little. If we help one, then it is all worth it. It is the way God feels about us. Some of us take a longer time to fix than others, but it’s worth it for Him.
“It might take a long time, but it will get finished,” Tina said confidently. “I am sure of it.”
Toni forced a small smile but said nothing. She wished she could be as sure as Tina, but she knew better. Maybe God fixed some people. But she was pretty sure that there were some who had to work out their lives on their own. She was one of them. And she was fine with that. At least she had no one to blame but herself. And if things didn’t work out, well, the only person she could be disappointed in was herself.
She watched as another house passed by her window. From afar it looked like it might be okay, but a glimpse through the door hanging open showed that inside was a mess. The walls were rotted and there was no floor. It reminded Toni a little of herself.
Tina was wrong. Everything didn’t eventually get finished. Not everyone got fixed. She was living proof of that.
Something was wrong with Toni.
Adam wasn’t sure how he knew but he just did. The problem was he couldn’t figure out what it was because for once she was doing exactly what she was supposed to when she was supposed to be doing it.
It was the last working day on the project. They had completed the houses they originally came to work on two days earlier and had joined with another project to help finish it up. Things had gone better than Adam had expected, and he was already seeing a huge change in attitude for a lot of the boys. He just hoped that it was real, and not just the effects of the exhaustion of working six days in the Mississippi heat. He wanted to believe that the same exhaustion was what had gotten to Toni. But as he watched her move a paint roller up the side of the house they were working on, he sensed it was more than that.
“Hey, you okay, Bayne?” Sam asked, setting down a pail of cement next to Adam. “I think I see three new wrinkles in your forehead.”
Adam barely managed to crack a smile at the only other male staff member from Jacob’s House along for the trip.
“Yeah, I’m good,” Adam said, glancing up at Toni again as he poured cement for the walkway. “Hey, let me ask you, you notice anything strange about Toni?”
Sam shrugged. “Nah, not really,” he said distractedly. “Although, she does seem quieter than usual. Not chatting it up with the guys as much as she used to. But then most of these guys are so wiped out by the end of the day they’re not in much of a talking mood either.”
Adam nodded. He knew that was true.
“Why you ask?” Sam asked curiously, as he emptied the rest of the cement in the pail onto the walkway and got on the other side to help Adam level the surface.
“She’s just been very cooperative and low-key, that’s all,” said Adam. “Very un-Toni.”
Sam laughed. “Well, maybe she’s just worn out like the rest of us. Although Tina did mention that she freaked out a little yesterday.”
“Oh yeah?” Adam said, looking up.
“Yeah,” Sam said, not pausing from his work. “Apparently she was acting all weird when the bus pulled up here—almost like she didn’t want to be here. And then when they handed out work assignments, she switched with Tina so she wouldn’t have to work inside the house.”
Adam frowned. “She didn’t want to work inside?”
Sam nodded. “That’s what Tina said. I don’t know what her problem was. If I got to work inside and be out of this killer sun, I would not be giving that up, you know?”
Adam did know, and although it was a small thing, it made him even more convinced that something was going on with her. He was determined to talk to her as soon as he got a free moment. But when the foreman called for a break, she disappeared.
“Tina, where’s Toni?” he asked, after searching the grounds in vain for several minutes.
“I think she’s on the bus,” Tina said. “She said she was going to rest for five minutes.”
“Thanks,” Adam said, already heading toward the direction of the bus.
> “Adam?”
He paused to look back at Tina, and caught the concerned look on her face as she stepped toward him.
“I don’t think she’s okay,” Tina said, lowering her voice. “Something’s not right with her.”
“Yeah, I’ve been having that feeling too,” Adam said. “Let me go talk to her.”
It didn’t take long to find her. She was sitting outside on the ground, on the shady side of the bus, away from the crowd. Her head was rested against her knees, which were pulled up to her chest. He almost thought she was sleeping, except she was breathing way too fast, and he could see it.
“Toni?” He stooped down beside her. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”
She moved slightly, but didn’t answer.
“Toni.” He placed a hand on her back. It was warm and damp.
“Go away, Adam,” she said, her voice muffled since she never bothered to lift her head.
“Toni, talk to me,” he said, unable to hide the concern in his voice. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing.”
“How about you look up and tell me that?”
She lifted her head and rubbed her palms over her face. “I’m fine,” she said, finally turning her head to look at him. Her eyes were blotchy and her nose red. She was not fine.
“If you’re fine, why are your eyes red?” Adam challenged.
“Grass allergies,” she lied.
“They just showed up today?”
“Yes,” Toni said, stubbornly looking away.
“No they didn’t,” Adam said. “You’ve been crying. Talk to me, please.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
She took a deep breath and tried to stand up. But her legs wouldn’t hold her and she began falling as she lost her balance. Adam stepped closer and grabbed her before her body slammed into the hard side of the bus.
“Okay, that’s it,” he said. “We’re taking you back now.”
“No, I’m okay,” she protested, pushing away from him.
“You’re not okay,” Adam said. “And I’m not going to just let you run yourself ragged.”