by Rhonda Bowen
“Adam ...”
“This is not a discussion, Toni,” Adam said. He was mad at himself for not seeing how bad she was before. “Get on the bus.”
She tried one of her scowls, but even that was weak. He breathed a sigh of relief when she finally gave in and got on the bus without protesting. He hoped some rest would help revive her. But he had a feeling it would take a lot more than that.
Chapter 13
Toni was exhausted.
Every jolt and pothole the bus hit reminded her of it. But it wasn’t just her body that was exhausted. She felt tired on the inside.
As she leaned against the window, she was glad that she didn’t have to share her seat with anyone. The thought of trying to muster up any sort of facade of decency was unbearable. She just needed to get through the next three hours and then she could be home and in her bed, and away from the images that were swirling in her mind.
She was stupid for coming here.
She knew it for sure two days ago when their bus pulled up in front of that house. That wretched house that looked just like the one she had grown up in. It was identical, down to the paint on the porch. If she wasn’t sure before, she knew at that moment that the devil was real, and he was mocking her. It had taken everything in her just to stay there. And now she was drained.
She took another deep breath. Only three more hours.
“Is this seat taken?”
“Yes,” she mumbled, without turning away from the window to respond to Adam.
“Too bad,” he said, sitting down beside her anyway. “I just gave mine up to one of the boys so he could sleep. This is the only one left.”
The only word that came to her mind was whatever. But she couldn’t even muster the energy for that, so she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. Thankfully Adam seemed to get the point and didn’t attempt to speak to her.
She should have known better than to choose the seat directly above the wheel of the bus. Sleep was almost impossible as every imperfection of the road vibrated through the window and into her head. She was on the verge of crying from misery, when she felt Adam’s hand on her back pulling her toward him. Without even the slightest thought of resisting, she sunk gladly onto his shoulder, sleep claiming her almost immediately.
Toni’s shoulder hurt. Really badly. She tried to move but the pain that shot through her was so intense it took her breath away. No, moving was not happening. She opened her eyes and blinked several times. Everything was blurry and too bright. She blinked again and it seemed to clear a little. She was looking at white.
Where was she?
Moving her fingers, she felt something soft beneath them. Carpet? She sensed something else. Like movement. But why couldn’t she hear anything? Something was wrong with her ears. She could feel herself panicking. Where was she? Wherever it was, she needed to get out of there.
She tried again to move, this time bracing for the pain. She managed to shift a little. Her shoulder felt heavy, and she reached her other hand over to try and lift it off the floor so she could sit up. That was when she felt the dampness. The panic became dread when she moved the mobile hand in front of her face and realized it was covered with blood. Her blood. She was bleeding!
She forced herself to sit up. Bile rushed to her throat as companion to the immense pain that swallowed her senses. If she wasn’t dead yet, it certainly was happening now. Her vision was going blurry again, and her head was swimming, but she had to move. Had to get help. Somehow her brain had registered the fact that she was at her home.
Rolling to her side, Toni pushed herself onto her knees, then onto her feet, grabbing for the wall as a support. She took a step forward but her feet hit something heavy in the way. She looked down and another bout of panic and cold fear hit her as she caught sight of the body of her mother. She screamed, but it only came out as a hoarse rasp. But it was enough to solicit attention. She felt more than heard the pounding on the stairs, and the movement coming toward her. Stumbling back from her mother’s body, she held onto the wall and limped her way to the kitchen, a trail of bright red blood on the pristine eggshell walls marking where she had been.
The footsteps were coming. Her brain screamed for her to move faster, but her body couldn’t muster the strength to do it. She stumbled blindly backward into the kitchen. Through her cloudy vision she could make out a distorted figure in front of her now. Stumbling backward even faster, she tripped over the corners of the steps, over rugs, over walls and edges that on any other day she could navigate with her eyes closed. The figure moved and she heard the distinct click of metal against metal.
She was going to die.
She pushed back another step but this time her feet didn’t touch anything. There was a loud explosion and the ground shifted from beneath her.
Toni screamed as her hands reached out to grab for anything to keep her from falling.
Her fingers found soft jersey material and she clung to it with everything inside her, hoping desperately that it would keep her anchored. But it was strong arms around her that held her firm instead.
“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. Toni, wake up. It’s okay. It was just a dream.”
Toni’s mind barely registered the voice whispering close to her ear. Her lungs ached as she sucked in huge violent gulps of air. And yet she still felt like she couldn’t breathe. She still felt like she was dying.
“Toni, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
No she wasn’t. She knew she wasn’t. But warm hands on the sides of her face insisted otherwise.
“Open your eyes, Toni,” the voice said. “Open your eyes. Come on, it’s okay. You’re okay. Just open your eyes.”
She opened her eyes and found herself staring into warm brown ones. Concerned warm brown ones. Nonetheless her heart kept pounding at an erratic pace. She took a deep breath. Then another. Then another.
“Adam?”
“Yeah,” he said. He let out a deep breath he seemed to have been holding. “You scared me half to death a while ago and nearly woke up half the bus with that scream.”
Toni blinked and looked around her, realizing, as she saw the curious faces watching her, that she had been asleep. She had only been dreaming. It had felt so real.
She also realized that she was still holding on to the front of Adam’s shirt like it was a lifeline. She willed herself to let go. It took a couple moments for her brain to transmit the action to her hands. When she finally did, she slid back over to the window, sinking low in her seat in embarrassment.
“She okay?” she heard one of the boys whisper.
“Yeah, I think she’s fine,” Adam answered. “She just had a bad dream. Go back to your seats.”
A few moments passed before she dared another glance at Adam. ”I’m sorry,” she mumbled.
He shrugged it off. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
She nodded and turned her head away. But even though she stared out the window, all she could see were the images from her dream replaying in her mind. The blood on her hands, her mother’s body on the floor. The gun aimed at her. The explosion when it was fired. Involuntarily her whole body began to shake.
Out of nowhere she felt Adam wrap his arms around her.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he murmured, pulling her into his chest to hold her still. “It’s over. You’re here. You’re okay.”
She hated crying. But she was so exhausted that she couldn’t stop the tears. She silently wondered how long she would have to go through this. It felt like every year it got worse, instead of better. Every time she closed her eyes the memories became clearer and clearer. Her dreams felt more real than everything around her. More real than the bus she was sitting in. More real than Adam’s arms around her. More real than life. And if this was how life was going to be, she wasn’t sure she wanted it anymore.
“Was it your parents?” Adam asked after a long moment.
Toni nodded. She heard him sigh.
“Is this why you can’t sleep?”
She nodded again.
“I’m sorry,” he said from somewhere above her head. “I know it probably doesn’t mean much, but I am.”
It was something. Enough to start the quiet tears again.
“What happened?” he asked.
Toni knew what he was doing. He was trying to talk her out of her head. Connect her back to reality by engaging her. She remembered the technique from her brief time on a therapist’s couch. She let him use it on her.
“I was sixteen when our parents died.” Her voice sounded hoarse to her own ears. “Trey was in the middle of college. I was getting ready to graduate. And then everything fell apart.
“In an instant they were gone, and we had nothing.”
“What about your other family?”
Toni sniffled and shifted away from Adam, back into her own seat. “We had one aunt living in California. She stayed with us for a while. But we were already grown and she didn’t know what to do with us. She left after a month. Then Trey went back to school, and it was just me.”
Toni sighed. Why was she even telling him this? Maybe because she still felt hazy about what was real and what was a dream. This could be either. And talking was making her feel better. Or rather, less insane.
“What did you do?” he asked after a moment.
“I got emancipated,” Toni said with a sigh of release, her voice finally evening out. “I got a job. Did what I had to do. Plus there was some insurance to help. Trey finished school and got his commercial pilot license.”
A weak smile lifted her lips as she thought of the day her brother got his wings. “He always wanted to fly. That was his dream.”
“What about your dreams?” Adam asked.
Toni shrugged. She couldn’t remember any of them.
The hum of the bus engine filled the silence that fell after that.
“I’m sorry,” Adam said after a moment, the empathy in his voice reaching out and caressing her. “You deserved more than that.”
She could feel his eyes burning into her, but she couldn’t face them. So she turned away to the window. Empty, barren land rushed by them as they sped along the highway. There was nothing to see. But the nothing out there was better than the nothing Adam would see if she let him look into her like he was trying to.
It was a nothingness that had been there for a long time, and which had finally taken over completely.
The red letters stared mockingly back at Toni from her bedside table. 10:00 a.m. It had been twelve hours since she’d crawled into her bed. But she hadn’t slept a wink.
The rest of the trip home had been uneventful. When the bus pulled into the Jacob’s House parking lot at 8:30 p.m., Toni had made a beeline for her motorcycle and her apartment. A shower and two aspirins later, she had been in bed. However, sleep had been the one thing she’d been unable to tackle. Even though her bones were so exhausted they screamed for rest, her exhausted soul was what kept her awake.
She wished she could close her eyes and make it all go away, but her eyelids were painted with images from the past. Whatever box she had locked them in was now completely open, and they now had free reign all over her, running amok in her mind and wreaking havoc over her sanity. She couldn’t shake the image of her mother lying still on the floor. Her blood, as it seeped slowly across the pale tiles.
Toni buried her face in the already soaked pillow and drew her knees up to her chest.
God, I don’t know if you still know me, but if you are there ... if you can hear me ... please let me die. I can’t do this anymore.
Though it was morning, darkness seemed to wrap around Toni like a cold, wet blanket. It weighed down her entire body, making it hard to move, or even breathe. She was drowning and she didn’t know how much longer she could last.
Let Me help you.
The words echoed in the caverns of her battered mind more clearly than her own thoughts. With them came a flicker of hope that lit up the corners of her being for a brief moment. But almost immediately it was swallowed up by the darkness that was slowly eating her from the inside out. It was too late for her.
Let Me help you.
There was a buzzing in her ears. It kept going and wouldn’t stop. Toni pulled the pillow over her head but she could still hear it. Maybe this was another symptom of her insanity.
Pounding soon accompanied the buzzing and Toni realized that it was the door. With energy she didn’t know she had, she crawled out of bed and felt her way over to the door. She stopped a few times just to catch her breath. Her head was spinning and pounding at the same time. Each step felt like a hammer to her temples. When she finally got to the door, she had to brace herself against the frame to open it.
She barely remembered turning the locks when it swung open.
“Toni! I’ve been out here for like fifteen minutes. What took you so long ... Toni?”
Every word from Jasmine was like a shard of glass through Toni’s brain. Her head began spinning and she tried to grasp the door frame, but her hands were too weak. She was too weak. And tired. Too tired to think, too tired to breathe, too tired to live.
And so she just stopped trying.
She never even felt her body hit the ground.
Chapter 14
“Adam! Come quick! Oh God, she’s dead!”
Adam dropped the plate in his hand. It shattered to pieces on the floor of the kitchen, but he barely noticed. “Jasmine, what’s going on?” he shouted into his cell phone, jogging through the house toward the door. By the time Jasmine responded he was halfway into the car.
“It’s Toni... . She’s not breathing.... I can’t reach Trey... .” Jasmine sobbed hysterically.
“Jasmine.”
He had to repeat her name several times before she finally responded. Even though his heart was thundering in his chest, he forced himself to stay calm. If both of them were panicked, no one would be helped, especially not Toni.
Toni.
The thought of her being dead brought the weight of a ton of bricks down on his chest. He whispered a prayer and switched the car into a higher gear. It creaked and shuddered but it did what it was supposed to.
“Jasmine, are you sure she’s ... ?”
He couldn’t even say the word.
“Have you checked for a pulse?”
“She’s not breathing. I can’t find a pulse. Adam ...”
Adam floored the gas pedal, ignoring the speed limit. “Have you called the paramedics?” he asked frantically.
“Yes.” There were more sobs from Jasmine. “Oh God, Adam, what if she’s ... ?”
Adam felt his jaw tense as the thought finished itself in his head. He turned the car onto the main street.
“I need you to take a deep breath,” Adam said calmly, even as he bypassed two slow-moving cars and cut back into the left lane. “Can you do that for me?”
He heard Jasmine breathe in and out on the other end of the line.
“Yes.” She choked back a sob.
“Good.” Adam tried to keep the reassuring tone in his voice. “Now, Jasmine, you have CPR and First Aid training. You know what to do, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she said, with uncertainty first but then again with more confidence. “Yes. I know what to do.”
“Good.” Adam turned the car onto Toni’s street. “You do what you need to do. I’ll be there in a minute.”
He clicked the phone shut as he pulled the car into a no-parking zone in front of Toni’s building. As he jogged the last few yards up her front walk, he whispered a shorter more urgent prayer.
God, please let her be okay.
“Please sit down. You’re making me dizzy walking in circles like that.”
Adam stopped midpace and looked down at Jasmine, who was trying to find a comfortable position in a stiff waiting room chair at Saint Joseph’s Hospital. That was hard normally, but became even harder when you were so pregnant you could barely see your toes.
It had been hours since the ambulance w
ith Toni had arrived with them right behind, but they still had not been able to see her. All they knew for sure was that she was alive.
“Sorry, I didn’t realize I was doing it.” He sat down beside Jasmine and rubbed his hands over his face. “Still no word from Trey?”
Jasmine shook her head. “I left a couple messages on his cell phone but nothing. He had to fly to Florida today so his phone is probably off.”
Adam nodded and leaned back, closing his eyes. The memory of the last time he was here flashed behind his dark eyelids.
It had been a Thursday night. He had been playing basketball late with Trey and some of the other guys who volunteered at the center. Then the call came that Khani was in the hospital. Khani had broken curfew and been hanging out in his old neighborhood, disobeying two of the center rules in one fell swoop. Something had happened and he had been stabbed several times in the stomach. By the time they had gotten to the hospital he was dead.
Adam clenched his jaw and took a deep breath. He hoped to God that the outcome tonight would be different.
He felt a small warm hand reach over and grab his.
“She’s going to be okay,” Jasmine said, squeezing his fingers. “Just pray.”
He was way ahead of her on that one.
“Where is she?”
Trey’s voice filled the quiet space of the waiting room. The nap of his hair, normally flat and neat, was disheveled from what Adam assumed was the same nervous raking over his head that he had been doing for hours. But more obvious was the fear that locked his pupils. Adam realized if he was feeling this crazy about the possibility of Toni not making it, Trey had to be going ten times more insane.
As soon as Jasmine saw him her facade of strength crumbled. She burst into tears and collapsed into his arms.
“How is she? Is she alive?” Trey asked desperately as he held Jasmine and looked around for the doctors at the same time.
“Oh God, Trey, she wasn’t moving, wasn’t breathing.” Jasmine threw herself against her husband’s chest and another round of sobs erupted.