One Way or Another

by Rhonda Bowen

  “But God said no,” Adam said, already familiar with the story.

  Pastor Reynolds nodded. “That’s right. He sent the prophet Nathan back to King David, to let him know that the building of the temple wasn’t his work to do. It was to be left to his son Solomon.

  “I especially love verse sixteen. After David’s request is denied he doesn’t sulk like a child. He goes to God and says, ‘Who am I, O God, and what is my house that You have brought me so far.’ He humbles himself and accepts God’s decision. Even though it must have disappointed him—even though it must have frustrated him to have all the wealth and resources but not the permission to build—he received God’s message with gratitude and went on to renew his covenant with God.”

  Pastor Reynolds paused and shook his head. “I don’t know if I could have taken it as well as David. It’s like me wanting to build a bigger Immanuel Temple over in the southeast and God saying, ‘No, Reynolds. That’s not for you.’ Building a temple is a good thing. How could God be against something like that?”

  Adam knew where Pastor Reynolds was going.

  “But you know what I realized when I read this? It’s about letting God choose our work. If we are going to claim to be totally submitted to God, we have to be just that, totally submitted. We have to remember that our ways are not His ways. And sometimes, He refuses our seemingly noble intentions because they aren’t best for us and for His cause.

  “It’s a hard lesson for many of us to learn, but sooner or later we must. Especially those of us in ministry. Not everything benevolent that we want to do for God is ordained by God.”

  “Me going to Baltimore is not like that,” Adam said stubbornly, his brow furrowing.

  “I didn’t say anything about Baltimore,” Pastor Reynolds said, sitting back. “I was just sharing my morning devotions.”

  “But you were thinking it.” Adam frowned. “I don’t understand. I thought you thought me helping with this project was a good idea.”

  “I do,” Pastor Reynolds said calmly. “But helping with the project and moving to Baltimore to head it up are two different things.”

  “But I know all about it,” Adam insisted. “Plus the experience of being at Jacob’s House gives me a practical advantage to helping it work well.”

  “I am sure it does.”

  “Baltimore is my home,” Adam argued.

  “That’s true too.”

  Adam sighed when he realized he was running out of explanations. “I’ve done all I can do here in Atlanta,” he said, looking down at his hands. “I have nothing left to offer these boys.”

  Pastor Reynolds said nothing, and Adam knew he was waiting for the rest. He always had a way of pulling every last bit of truth out of the core of Adam’s being.

  Adam stared across the office at the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves without really seeing any of it. “You were right three years ago when you told me to go deal with my issues in Baltimore,” he said after a moment. “I didn’t do that right away. Now I feel like maybe I’m not the kind of leader these boys need anymore. I have nothing left to teach them.”

  “You can teach them it’s never too late to take ownership of your past,” Pastor Reynolds said, sitting forward. “You took responsibility for your mistakes. You might have taken a long time to do it, but you did it. That’s a powerful lesson for young men to learn.”

  Adam’s stomach was in knots. He was starting to feel unsure about his decision and he hated that.

  Pastor Reynolds continued. “In the past few weeks you have faced up to what happened. You’ve been upfront and honest with the boys, with the church, and with the world. These boys need to learn how to do that. All of them have tarnished pasts. And even if they clean up and become amazing men, one day, someone’s going to throw that tarnished past back in their faces. They have to learn how to deal with that. Do you want them to learn how to acknowledge their past and show that they are changed? Or do you want them to learn that they should change locations every time their past comes to the surface? Should they find a new job every time a coworker finds out they were convicted of a crime? Should they abandon every relationship once their criminal history becomes known? What about their children? Should they hide who they used to be from them?” Pastor Reynolds let out a long breath and shook his head.

  “Adam, this is still about honesty and personal responsibility. Running every time your past comes up is the same as hiding from it.”

  “I’m not running,” Adam said strongly. He was tired of everyone implying that he was. “I’m going back to Baltimore, to the place where all my mess happened. How is that running?”

  “Your face was never on the front of a newspaper in Baltimore,” Pastor Reynolds said. “Plus all those years ago when you lived in Baltimore you weren’t ashamed about being a criminal. You weren’t in touch with Christ yet. You didn’t have people who respected you and who might be disappointed in your past.”

  Adam sunk lower in his chair.

  “But you have that here. And facing it is hard,” Pastor Reynolds said gently. “But part of letting Christ forgive us of our past, is letting go of the shame of that past. It means having the humility to acknowledge where God brought us from to where we are now, knowing that none of that could have happened without Him.

  “Until we do that we will struggle with knowing which decisions are of God and which ones are just reactions to our own fears.”

  “So you’re saying I shouldn’t go,” Adam said, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice.

  “No,” Pastor Reynolds said, shaking his head. “I’m saying, don’t build the temple unless you’re sure God has given you the green light.”

  Pastor Reynolds closed the Bible in front of him. “Adam, you know that you’re like a son to me. I know in your heart you love God and want to serve Him. I want you to make the right decision on this. Can I pray with you?”

  Adam nodded and lowered his head. Pastor Reynolds’s prayer was quick and to the point.

  “Kind and compassionate Father, thank you for your salvation and grace. We would be nowhere without them. Take Adam into your care, and lead him down the path You have for him. Give him true freedom from the guilt and shame of his past. Help him see Your vision for his future. All these things we ask in Your Son’s name, amen.”

  And with the end of the prayer came the end of the discussion. Even though they met for over an hour afterward about administration matters related to Jacob’s House, the topic of Adam’s leaving never came up again. Nonetheless, the uncomfortable feeling in Adam’s stomach had seemed to intensify since the moment Pastor Reynolds prayed on him. He didn’t want to make the wrong decision.

  There were many good reasons why he should go, and he had named all of them to Pastor Reynolds. But there were also just as many convincing reasons to stay, one of them being a petite five-foot-four beauty who was the reason he’d finally had the courage to face his past in the first place. A part of him was willing to ditch the whole idea of leaving just to see what could happen with the two of them. But he couldn’t base a life decision like this on a woman he had known for only a few months—even if she was the kind of woman he could imagine knowing for a lifetime.

  Regardless of where he went, someone would get hurt. But at the end of the day, everything would resolve itself if he was where God wanted him to be.

  Now if he could only figure out where that was.

  Chapter 37

  “I’m not going,” Toni said stubbornly, returning to her couch and plopping down on it, as she pulled a pillow to her chest.

  Jerry Springer was on television and she was watching two pregnant women fight over a man who wasn’t worth half their energy.

  “What do you mean you’re not going?” Afrika asked, closing the front door to Toni’s apartment and following her to the living room. “You have to go. It’s the boys’ end of year barbeque. Plus it’s Adam’s last night. You remember him? The man you’re in love with.”

  To
ni pouted. “You’ve been talking to Camille, haven’t you?” she said, switching the channel to Law and Order. But not even the antics of the SVU team could keep her distracted.

  “No,” Afrika said, coming to stand in front of the television. “I’ve been watching you. I see the way you look at him. You’re slick, but you’re not that slick. I know you done gone and caught feelings over him.”

  Toni scowled.

  “Look, honey, I get that you’re upset he’s leaving, but if you don’t go you won’t forgive yourself,” Afrika said. “So go get dressed.”

  Toni pouted. “He’s making a mistake.”

  “Maybe,” Afrika said. “But being a real friend to him means being there for him even when he does something dumb.”

  A knock on the door interrupted whatever else Toni wanted to say. Afrika went to get it, and came back with Camille. She frowned as her eyes took in Toni’s sweats and T-shirt.

  “Why aren’t you dressed?” Camille asked, placing a hand on her hip. “Do you know what time it is?”

  “I’m not going,” Toni repeated. She flipped the channel again. The Real Housewives of Atlanta reruns.

  “You have to go,” Camille said. “Adam’s going to be there.”

  “Is there an echo in this room?” Toni asked, annoyed.

  “What’s her problem?” Camille asked, turning to Afrika.

  “She’s still mad that Adam is leaving,” Afrika answered, sitting down in the armchair next to the coffee table. She turned to Toni again. “Did you even go talk to him like we discussed?”

  Toni scowled and turned up the volume on the television.

  “I’m guessing that’s a no,” Camille said.

  “Okay, Toni, we’re about to keep it real here.” Camille reached over and turned off the TV to show her friend she meant business. “I know you won’t admit it, but you have deep feelings for Adam. Nothing’s wrong with that. But this is his life and he’s made this choice for himself that quite frankly has nothing to do with you. How can you be so mad about it?”

  “Because I don’t think it’s the right choice,” Toni said stubbornly.

  Camille shrugged. “So what? So because you don’t agree with him, you’re not going to talk to him? Even if it’s not the right choice, is that a reason to end the friendship? I hate to bring this up, but are you not feeling déjà vu on this?”

  Toni’s mouth fell open and she looked across at her friend. She knew Camille was talking about what had happened to their friendship after Camille’s abortion. But the look on her face wasn’t a spiteful one. She wasn’t bringing it up because she was still angry at Toni for leaving. She was mentioning it because she loved her and didn’t want her to make the same mistake again.

  “I’m sorry, Camille,” Toni said. “I should never have walked out on our friendship back then. But this is different.”

  “Really?” Camille asked gently. “How? You didn’t agree with the choice I had made, and it ruined our friendship. Now you are about to distance yourself from Adam because you don’t agree with what he’s doing. How is that not the same?”

  “She’s right, T,” Afrika said. “And if we’re keeping it real, that’s what you did with Jasmine after the house thing too.”

  Toni bit her lip as she suddenly saw her pattern.

  “Look, honey, you were mad at God for a long time because you didn’t understand how He could take your parents away from you; you were mad at me for a long time because of what happened; you were mad at Jasmine because she hurt you,” Camille said.

  “I’m glad that you are starting to repair all those friendships, but don’t make the same mistake again. Don’t cut off the people who love you because they sometimes disappoint you. Loving someone means taking the good with the bad. What if God cut us off every time we did something that He didn’t agree with? Can you imagine where we’d be?”

  Toni rested her head on the cushion as she thought about her friends’ words. She knew they were right, but she was so used to cutting the painful things out of her life, that she wasn’t sure she knew how to do things any other way.

  Toni sighed and shook her head. “I guess you have a point. But am I just supposed to act like what he’s doing is okay?”

  “No,” Afrika said. “You don’t have to agree with what he’s doing. But you have to support him—show him that you’re still there for him even though you think he’s going the wrong way. That’s what you do when you love someone.”

  “I don’t love him,” Toni said quickly.

  Camille rolled her eyes.

  “Yeah, we don’t have time to argue that with you right now,” Afrika said, standing up. “We’re already late. Get dressed. We’re leaving in five minutes.”

  Toni pouted. “I’m a grown woman. You can’t just barge into my apartment and tell me what to d—”

  “Get dressed,” Camille and Afrika said together.

  Toni scowled but got up and headed to her bedroom, wondering when she had lost control of her life.

  The party was already in full swing by the time Toni, Afrika, and Camille showed up. Smells of barbecued everything greeted Toni as she followed Afrika and Camille out of Jacob’s House to the lawns and basketball court in back. Some sound equipment was borrowed from the church and speakers were set up around the perimeter of the event. Rasheed was over by the turntable spinning tracks while a guy Toni recognized from church stood nearby overseeing.

  As Toni had expected, the event was packed. Apart from the boys and the Jacob’s House staff, there were a few parents, friends from the school, and many of the members from Immanuel. She laughed as she caught sight of Pastor Reynolds trying to keep up as he played three on three against a few of the boys with Sam and another brother Toni didn’t recognize. A few feet over on the sidelines, his wife, First Lady Loretta Reynolds, stood with her son, Joshua, taking in the action.

  Slipping away from her friends, Toni headed over to where they were standing. “Sister Reynolds!” Toni called out to the older woman, who was stylishly dressed in skinny jeans that weren’t tight but looked amazing on her. The short-sleeved white jacket and matching inset blouse that finished the ensemble made her look casual but elegant.

  “Hey, Toni,” Loretta said, warming her with a smile. “How are you?”

  “I’m good,” Toni said, smiling back. She turned her gaze to the tall man beside Loretta. “How’s it going, Josh? Where’s Samantha?”

  “She’s over by the benches, swapping baby stories with Jasmine,” Joshua answered, giving Toni a half hug.

  Joshua and Trey were about the same age and had been very close growing up. However, they had gone to different colleges and Joshua had moved to a suburb an hour outside Atlanta with his wife, Samantha, after he had graduated. He and his family often came out to Immanuel to visit his parents and catch up with old friends.

  “Foul!”

  Toni turned to the court where there was a bit of a scuffle. Pastor Reynolds was groaning and holding his back while the other players crowded around him.

  “Oh no.” Sister Reynolds cocked her head to the side like she was inspecting damage. “Looks like your father has gone and injured himself again.”

  “Again?” Joshua asked. “Has he hurt his back before playing with the boys?”

  “Not his back,” she answered, heading onto the court. “Just his pride.”

  Joshua and Toni chuckled as they watched the First Lady rescue her husband.

  “Josh, brother, you should be out there on the court.” Trey appeared at their side with three sodas.

  Joshua laughed. “No way,” he said, taking the soda Trey offered him. “I can’t even handle my dad. You want me to go up against those boys too?”

  “I’m getting you on the court before you leave today,” Trey said. Then he directed his attention to Toni. “Baby sis. How you holding up?” He put an arm across her shoulder and handed her a drink with the other.

  “I should be asking you that question,” she said, popping the
tab on the can. “I feel like I’ve barely seen you outside the house since the baby was born.”

  A look of weariness slipped over Trey’s face. “Don’t ever have kids, Toni. They are beautiful little creatures until they start crying. Then they just turn into howling monsters that refuse to let you sleep.”

  Joshua and Toni both laughed.

  “I’m serious,” Trey said, shaking his head tiredly. “I’ve been sleeping like three hours a night since Isabel came home. And Jasmine’s decided that since she has to take care of her all day I get to take the night shift.”

  Toni raised an eyebrow. “So she’s not breast-feeding her at night?”

  “Breast pump,” Trey and Joshua answered at the same time.

  Toni laughed.

  “Yeah, been there, done that,” Joshua said with a chuckle. “Welcome to parenthood, brother.”

  “I know.” Trey stifled a yawn. “Tell me about it.”

  “Man, are you yawning at our party?” Adam asked with a laugh.

  Toni hadn’t even seen him come up.

  “Bro, I’m about to find a couch inside and crash,” Trey said, swallowing back another yawn. “I am beat.”

  “I understand,” Adam said with a laugh. “But know that for bailing out early you’re gonna have to come visit me soon in Baltimore.”

  “Yeah,” Trey said. “You’ll need to ask my kid about that, since she’s the one running my life now.”

  “Will do,” Adam said with a laugh. “Can I steal this one from you guys for a minute?” He had a hand on Toni’s back and was already easing her gently away.

  “Sure,” Joshua said with nod.

  “Steal her for as long as you like,” Trey said with a mischievous grin. She watched a look she didn’t understand pass between Adam and Trey. But she didn’t have time to think about it as he pulled her in the direction he was going.