Cu wasn't too much of a host. He had tied a rope tightly around my left wrist to keep me in tow, and he kept pulling on this rope when I slowed down. For a little man, he walked pretty fast and yanked pretty hard. At times I was trotting just to keep up, and my wrist was red and raw by the time we got to where we were going. Which, by the way...
"Where are you taking me?" I said when we were about a mile out from his tree home, which looked exactly like the same tree from the park except now it was in a forest full of other similar trees.
"How many times do I have to tell you to shut the fuck up?" he shouted back at me. "We're almost there and then you'll see where the hell I'm taking you."
"Okay," I muttered. "I was just asking."
So I followed like a bummed out dog behind Cu through a woods full of similar looking trees. The ground beneath my feet was much like the floor of any normal woods; dirt enhanced with dried leaves and more dirt. The sky above was much like the sky of home; blue. There were birds calling in the trees and I could hear animals rustling, but I never saw anything. All I saw was a bright green top hat on the shaggy head of a man who called himself Cu and was a part of something else called the Tuatha Dé. Whatever that meant.
Another half mile went past before we came across a stream with a quaint little bridge built over it. We went over the bridge and Cu made a right turn when the path came to a fork. I barely had time to read the names on the sign, which had no meaning to me. Off in the direction we were headed was a place called Murias and in the opposite direction was Magh Tuiredh. I couldn't even pronounce the second name and wasn't quite sure about the first. Whatever they meant and however they were pronounced, Cu was taking me to Murias. I didn't have much to say on the matter since I was tied to Cu, so I followed obediently.
The landscape began to change after we walked another half mile. The elms thinned out and the forest with its similar trees disappeared. We entered a large plain that supported a bustling burg. I felt like I'd just walked into a medieval market place surrounded by thatched roofed huts. The people there were all much like the man who was leading me around like a donkey; short with shaggy hair and looking much like leprechauns. A few even wore bright green top hats.
"What's with the bright green top hats?" I felt the need to ask, after which I ducked in expectation of a smack with said bright green top hat.
Instead, Cu answered me as if he'd always been a gentleman and was not leading me around with a rope tied to my wrist. "It marks us as members of the king's company," he said with pride. "Only the elitist of the elite wear these hats."
We entered the township as I thought over why someone would choose bright green top hats as a symbol of anything, especially the elite. I towered over everybody and felt a little like Bill Murray in Japan in that movie Sophia Coppola made, something about translating? I forget. But I felt like Bill Murray in that movie. The tallest person in the town came up to my waist and the shortest was below my knees. The kids were part of the shortest category, and there were a lot of them running amok and laughing and pointing at me. I only laughed and pointed back but that did nothing to deter them in any way. It only made me feel stupid.
As we walked through the market place, I saw chickens that were too small to be chickens, a dude wearing a purple sash and plaid pants on a very small pony, and a cart full of something that looked like beets. They were alive and kicking, -and were being sold to the unwary people around the cart.
Cu veered off to the left and took me down another pathway to a large hut. Another man in a bright green top hat nodded and opened the wood-grained door to the hut. I had to duck until I was nearly bent in half to get inside but the hut's ceilings were high enough so I could almost stand upright. Cu gave a yank on my lead and I followed him until we stood before a raised platform. On said platform was a throne that appeared to be made out of the twisted branches of some kind of tree. The branches were so twisted that the throne looked unsteady and about to fall over. Cu and I just stood there alone for a moment before a man came out from a side chamber.
"Ah, Cu," the man said as he sat in the throne that apparently wasn't unsteady at all, since it didn't fall over when it took his weight. And the way he said the leprecha... eh, Tuatha Dé's name, he might as well have been sneezing.
"Okay." Cu hooked his thumb over his shoulder at me. "You wanted him. I brought him. Can I go now?"
The man, who must have been the king since he was sitting on a throne and wore a red robe with white trim but looked more like a thin, smaller version of Santa Claus, actually smiled down at me.
I felt a little unnerved by said smile, mainly because he looked like a psychopathic Santa ready to chuck gifts at my head. Even though he didn't chuck anything at me, I still felt unnerved.
"Welcome," the king said. "I am Mac Gréine, king of the Tuatha Dé."
Still unnerved. "Is anyone ever going to tell me what the hell the Tuatha Dé are?" I said instead of voicing my uneasiness.
The king was more patient and less violent and virile than Cu. He didn't even have a bright green top hat to hit me with. "We are the gods' chosen people."
"You're Jewish?"
Mac Gréine raised an eyebrow in an uncanny imitation of my former workmate, Crista. People are always raising their eyebrows at me for some reason.
"Okay, so you're not Jewish," I muttered. "What the hell are you?"
The king gave a loud sigh, as if I was irritating him or something. "We are the former inhabitants of what is now called Ireland," he said, "cast out by a druid warlock who had a long-standing feud with one of my ancient ancestors."
"Oh," was my answer to his explanation.
"The Tuatha Dé have been at peace for many years," Mac Gréine continued. "But now war is upon us again."
I held up a hand. "Let me guess, that's where I come in, right?"
"I am to assume Cu explained that to you then," Mac Gréine said.
I shook my head. "Nah, that's just the way these fairy quest things go, isn't it?"
"Asshole," I heard Cu mumble behind me.
"Can I hit him?" I asked the king, pointing over my shoulder at the man with the bright green top hat.
"Cu is my most trusted advisor," King Mac Gréine said firmly. "No, you cannot hit him."
"He hits me all the time." I pouted. "With his bright green top hat. And he cusses a lot. A whole lot."
Cu grumbled something from behind me but I didn't quite catch what he said. All I caught were the words "donkey" and "fruitcake." I couldn't formulate a single sentence that would have both words in it at once. Must have been a Tuatha Dé kind of thing.
"So," I continued after being faced with a bit of silence. "What exactly am I doing here anyway, Mac?"
"Mac?" the king repeated.
"Yeah," I said with a shrug. "I thought that was your first name. Mac," I gestured with one hand. "Gréine." I gestured again with my other hand. "That makes you Mac. Right?"
"Whatever," the king said with a nonchalant shake of his head and a blasé wave. I don't think he cared in the least what I called him, as long as I did whatever it was that he wanted me to do. But apparently his people weren't too keen on explaining outright, for he said, "What do they call you?"
"Well, Cu calls me asshole," I said.
"Okay, Asshole," Mac said.
I held up my hands in protest. Then I pointed back over my shoulder at the bright green top-hatted man. "No, that's just what Cu calls me. That isn't my name."
"Then why did you tell me it was your name?" Mac said.
"I didn't," I said. "I said that's what he called me."
"Then what the fuck is your name?"
"Are you all so foul mouthed?" I said.
"Yes."
"Okay then." I muttered, satisfied with his answer. "My actual name is Guy Fractious."
"What kind of stupid name is that?"
"Yeah, tell me about it." I cleared my throat as Mac just stared at me, contemplating who knew what. "So. Is anybody gonna
tell me what this is all about?"
Mac echoed my clearing of the throat. "A long time ago, the Tuatha Dé came to Ireland from Nemed."
"What's a Nemed?"
"It's where we're from," Mac said.
"Yeah, but where is that?"
"No one is really sure," he said.
"Then how do you know you're from there?" I said, my curiosity piqued to the point of lack of oxygen.
"Legend says."
"But how do you know it's really where you're from?"
"Do you ever stop asking questions?!"
I shook my head. "No."
"Well stop it, shut up and listen!"
I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted. "Fine. I'm listening. But don't tell me anything that you don't know is true. And I mean real true. Not true according to legend or I heard it through the grapevine true. Real true. The truest true."
Mac was silent.
I stared at him for a while before I couldn't take it anymore. "Why'd you stop talking?"
"Because nothing I can tell you is most definitely true."
I rolled my eyes. I was already getting really tired of these Tuatha Dé people, who didn't seem to have a clue who the hell they were, where they came from or what the hell they wanted to do with me. Whatever Mac had to tell me was probably just hearsay, anyway.
Cu, who was still standing at attention behind me, cleared his throat. "Now can I go?"
"No, dammit!" Mac shouted, thumping a meaty fist down on the arm of his wobbly throne.
Much to my surprise, the thing still did not collapse. Some kind of miracle Tuatha Dé engineering, I guessed. I really wanted one of those things to take home with me.
I swayed back and forth on my feet, bored. "Is anyone ever going to tell me why I'm here? Or should I just find a seat and order dinner?"
"Listen up, you--" Cu came over to me, clutching his bright green top hat in a threatening manner.
"That's enough, Cu," Mac said, holding up a hand.
Much to the return of my surprise, Cu put his bright green top hat back safely on his head where it couldn't hurt me.
Mac turned his attention to me. "My people fought three great battles and lost many great kings and warriors," he said seriously. "We lost the final battle and were banished here by the Milesian sorcerer, Amergin and his fellows, Eithear and Uar."
"Huh?" I asked but Mac ignored me and went on.
"Of the three druids, Amergin was strongest but his fellows soon overpowered him and sent him away to the underworld. Now Amergin has returned with an army and he looks to destroy our world."
"So what does that have to do with me?" I said.
"We want you to stop him." He pointed at me so I'd get the picture.
I didn't. "Stop who?"
"Amergin," Mac said.
"How?"
"Well how the fuck should I know?" Mac said. "We brought you here to figure that out on your own. If we knew how to stop him, why the hell would we need you?"
"Good question," I said.
Mac stared.
I lifted my empty palms in a shrug that said, I'm clueless. Which I was. "How am I supposed to stop a druid sorcerer dude from destroying your world? And why should I even care?"
"Because," Mac said.
"Because why?"
"Because you cannot return to your home world unless you do what we ask," Mac said.
"What if I don't want to return to my home world?"
"Are you shitting me?" Mac said.
"Maybe," I said, making the word sound a lot longer than it really was. "Don't I at least get a reward or something? A pot of gold maybe?"
Cu's bright green top hat hit me on the head. "We're not fucking leprechauns!" he hollered as he came around to face me, fists up, ready for a boxing match. He might have been small but he had fists like ham hocks.
I couldn't help myself. I rarely can. "You aren't fucking anyone," I said under my breath, risking a strike of the bright green top hat that didn't come.
"Why does he think we're leprechauns?" Mac said.
"You wear bright green top hats and come from Ireland," I spoke up. "That would classify you as leprechauns."
"We come from Nemed," Mac corrected.
"Yet you don't know where that is," I raised a finger like I'd made a score, as if that would fix my entire situation. Yet...
What did I really have to lose? I'd never been on an adventure. Better than going back home to my lonely apartment and joblessness and the possible return of my agoraphobia, which hadn't reared its ugly head since the first time I saw Cu, back when I thought he was a leprechaun. Shit, I hadn't even filed for unemployment yet. Who was going to pay my rent now? "Buy me a house," I said suddenly.
"A what?!" This from Cu.
"Buy me a house and we have a deal," I said then held up a finger. "A house in my home world. And not some shit shack. I want a nice house in Beverly Hills with a yard and a butler. Do that and I'll vanquish this Amergin for you. Whoever he is."
Mac raised both his eyebrows at me then dropped his chin into his hand in deep concentration. "That would require an entire pot of gold," he said under his breath.
"Ah hah!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.
"Ah hah what?" said the king.
"You said pot of gold! That proves it! You are leprechauns!" I punched my fist in the air and did a little dance of absolute victory.
Nobody echoed my overjoyed battle cry, but Mac said, "Just for that, you have to take Cu with you."
"What?!" Cu and I yelled at the same time.
"Take him," Mac said with yet another wave of his hand. "He gets on my goddamned nerves anyway."
Cu and I glared at each other. I didn't like him because he'd made me look like some kind of crazy fool who hung out in the park every day and stared at elm trees. He didn't like me because I'd been sitting in front of his door and had vomited flour paste into the bucket he seemed to keep around for just such an occasion.
The last person I wanted to have along with me was Cu, simply because I thought he'd keep me tied to him for the entire length of our journey or else find some other way to torture me. I'm sure Cu felt the same way about me, which he demonstrated in the usual way. I began to wonder how his bright green top hat kept its perfect shape after so much hitting.
I was rubbing my head as I agreed. "Okay then. You buy me the house I want and get me a butler so I don't have to do laundry and our deal is settled."
"Okay then," Mac echoed. "You and Cu will leave immediately. I've already arranged for a pair of horses and a pack mule to accompany you."
"That's accompaniment?" I said, but Mac ignored me.
"So stop standing around and get the hell out of here!" the king yelled. "You two look like doofs. Go away!"
I followed a reluctant Cu out of the building and back out into the sunshine of Tuatha Dé land, or whatever it was they called it.
* * * *
"Come on, Fractious," Cu said, but he wasn't talking to me. He'd named the stubborn mule Fractious, which was going to create some confusion as I too, answered to that name.
"That mule doesn't like you," I said to Cu as I trotted, completely unbalanced on my pony. The little horse was so small that my feet dragged on the ground and I had to cross my ankles on his neck to sit even somewhat comfortably.
"Asshole," Cu muttered but I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or to the mule, although I doubted he'd use such a bad name when speaking to the mule.
Poor Fractious the mule was laden with burlap bags filled with food and stuffs. A wineskin thumped against his rump, and I longed to get my hands on it, but the first time I'd reached for it, Cu had thumped me on the shin with his bright green top hat, claiming the entire skin for himself.
"Fine, have your wine from a goat's stomach," I had said to him, sticking out my tongue for good measure and emphasis. Now I wished I'd been nicer so maybe he'd let me have a sip sometime. It would have been nice to have some alcohol on that journey. Cu and I had been riding
two of our three four-legged companions for two hours now through dense forests and denser silence. At least he'd untied my wrist.
I didn't blame Cu for not talking to me and having long and intimate conversations with Fractious the mule. He didn't want to be here any more than I did. And he was here because of one of my stupid cracks. Though his being here with me was apparently punishment on my account, because there seemed to be nothing to punish him for except for being completely annoying to his king, Mac Gréine. I wasn't sure I really understood these Tuatha Dé people and I'm not really sure I do now.
"So, Cu," I said, after standing around for fifteen minutes watching him try to get the mule to move from its position with its gray ass on the ground. Fractious the mule was having no more of this journey, apparently, but that didn't mean I couldn't try my hand at small talk. "Where ya from?"
"Brooklyn," Cu said.
"You don't have a Brooklyn accent," I said.
"And you don't have that asshole accent though you are definitely from Asshole Land!"
I shut up.
Fractious the mule gave a perturbed bray before hauling his great gray butt off the ground and getting on the move again. I went to my brown eyed, brown haired pony and straddled him. He turned back to look at me, probably thinking this whole charade of my riding him was really ridiculous. Which it was. So was going on a mysterious quest to find some dude named Amergin, who had once vanquished the entire population of the Tuatha Dé to this land for no reason I could fathom, so I could stop him from bringing about death and destruction once more. If death and destruction were really his intent. He could just be trying to bring about the end of the world for all I knew, and who was I to try to stop that?
I attempted small talk again as Cu mounted his pony, who was a lot better suited to his size, or maybe that's the other way around. "So, Cu," I said, "is everyone in this place the same size as you?"
"No," Cu said firmly. "Some of them are the same size as you. Just as stupid, too."
"Good to know," I said. "What else should I know about this place?"
"Don't run into that low hanging tree branch," he suggested.
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