The tree branch slapped me in the face, cutting a two inch gash in my cheek. As blood trickled down my skin, I glared at the little man who was turned around in his saddle, grinning at me.
"I warned you, didn't I?" Cu said.
I rolled my eyes. "Where are we going?"
"To a place called Tara."
"Tara? Who's that? Or what's that?"
"That's the last place Amergin was seen alive."
"How long ago was that?"
"Two hundred sixty years ago."
"Oh." I thought about that for a moment. "So how old are you?"
"One hundred and seventy eight," Cu said.
"And you don't look a day over a hundred and fifty."
"Asshole," Cu said.
"I'm only twenty," I told him. "I can't even drink in my home state."
"Well then, that not only makes me the leader but also makes me your elder," Cu said, turning his head so he could see my face. "Doesn't your race expect you to respect your elders?"
"Yeah," I said, "but only until you're ten."
Fractious the mule brayed in response, but I ignored him. He could bray all day but that didn't make him right.
Soon we came to a town that looked a lot like the town we'd already left. Cu didn't hesitate but went straight down the lane, headed for the marketplace that looked almost exactly like the marketplace of the town we'd already left. It was so uncanny, and when I saw the same dude tip his bright green top hat to Cu, I dragged my heels to stop the pony I was riding.
"Cu," I said, reaching out to grab the tail of Fractious the mule to get Cu's attention.
"What?!" my guide yelled.
"Isn't this the same town we left like two or three hours ago?"
Cu pulled up his pony. The mule, who had already stopped when I yanked his tail, rolled his brown eyes. Cu looked around. "You know," he said, pulling at his chin. "I think you might be right."
"You took us around in a circle?!" I hollered.
"Guess so," Cu said.
"What the hell?" I yelled, throwing up my hands, ready to give up on the whole ordeal.
"Well," Cu said with a big stupid grin on his face, "now we can start our quest."
I sighed and picked up my pony and turned him around in the opposite direction. "I lead this time." I mounted and kicked my feet Flintstones style to get my pony moving again.
"Whatever, shithead," Cu said. He followed me this time, with Fractious the mule balking behind him.
* * *
chapter 4
Two hours later we came across a town that looked absolutely nothing like the town we'd already left twice before. We passed by a sign that named the town Camhail. At least, that's what the sign said. I would have called it Pub Town because there seemed to be nothing else in this town except for pubs. Drunken little men spilled into the cobblestone streets, each and every one with a pint mug in each hand. I instantly liked this town.
"Can we get a beer?" I said.
"You don't fit," Cu said.
I looked at the size of the buildings on the street. The tallest one came to about a foot below my head. "Hhm," I said, assessing the situation at hand. Beer was at hand and I really wanted some. After hours with Cu, who didn't seem to know up from down yet could go back and forth between his world and mine, I needed something to ease the annoyance. "So, can you get me one?"
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"But why not?"
"Because I hate you," Cu said.
"Then maybe I'll ask this dude." I grabbed the arm nearest to me, which happened to be attached to a shaggy blond man who stood about as high as my knee. I had to bend over to be at eye level with the little man. "Will you buy me a beer?" I said.
He had crap-colored brown eyes that were red rimmed, probably from copious amounts of alcohol. This made me want some even more. I wanted to have red-rimmed eyes and copious amounts of alcohol. But instead of smiling and going to buy me beer like a regular dude would have done, the dude yanked his arm out of my grasp and said, "Fuck're you?"
"Guy Fractious," I said.
"Who gave you that stupid ass name?"
"My mom," I said.
"Your mom was fucked up," he said.
I grabbed Cu's bright green top hat off his head and whacked the new man with it. "Nobody talks shit about my mother!" I yelled, standing over him and threatening another bright green top hat attack, this one more violent than the first.
"You're starting to talk like one of us," Cu said from behind me. "Gimme back my hat."
I set it back on his head, taking care to set it straight, so as not to offend anybody. I tapped the top of the bright green top hat and returned to my quest for beer. Cu went in the opposite direction to try and find lodgings for us and Fractious the mule. I had serious doubts about finding a bed big enough or even a house big enough for me. Fractious the mule was smaller than any mule I'd ever seen, and he'd fit in a bed better than I would. For a moment, I hated the small world I'd been chucked into.
Nothing a good mug of beer or twelve wouldn't cure.
I accosted the next small person who had a pint of beer in his stubby hands. "Excuse me, sir," I said, trying to appear as polite as possible. I bent over so I was at eye level with the person, who was about the same height as my anti-friend, Cu, except he was lacking the bright green top hat. Instead he wore a baker's hat and a filthy apron that could have been dotted with blood or possibly strawberry juice. He raised an eyebrow at me and it disappeared into his shaggy blond hair. "Will you buy me some beer?"
"Ain't you old enough to buy your own damned beer?"
"Yes, or at least, I think so. In this world, maybe" I said, "But I have no money. And my guide won't share."
The dirty dude in the baker's outfit sucked his teeth in thought then handed over his half-empty pint. "Here," he said.
I felt like getting down on my hands and knees and kissing his hairy toes but I didn't. Instead I took the offered glass and drank down the beer in one suffocating swallow. "Yum."
"Glad you like it," the man said. "Now here's a wicket. Go buy your own." He tossed a coin into the air and it flipped end over end, finally landing safely in my open palm.
"A wicket?" I repeated as I turned the coin over. It was silver and had the face of Tom Cruise on one side, with old Tom looking half-assed and happy. "What the hell is this?" I asked no one in particular.
"A wicket," someone said as they passed by.
I rolled my eyes. On the other side of the coin was a picture of a dodo bird. I guess I should have anticipated that. Before I could spend said wicket and rid myself of the accursed image of Tom Cruise, Cu came and tugged at my pant leg.
"Got us a room," he said. Then he took that back. "Okay, I got me a room. I got you a barn."
"A barn?"
"A barn."
"Oh goody."
I followed behind my so-called guide and found myself outside of an old, wooden barn. It looked big enough to house both me and Fractious the mule, who stood no taller than my hip, anyway. Fractious the mule would definitely be more comfortable in this dwelling, but at least it had a roof and I could keep my head dry if it should rain. If it even rained in this realm.
"Thanks," I said, not feeling very thankful.
"Don't mention it," Cu growled. "I'll bring you some dinner or something."
"Or something?"
"Or something," Cu repeated.
Fractious the mule and Fractious the man watched Cu the Tuatha Dé walk away and duck into a building on the opposite side of the street. I stood and waited, watching the multitudes of people who were all smaller than I was bump up and down the cobblestone streets, drinking and being merry. I wanted to be merry. I wanted to have fun and smile. Instead, I was standing beside a mule who had been given the outlandish name of Fractious, which was also my name, having no fun at all.
Fractious the mule gave the impression he wasn't enjoying himself at all either. He gave a deep bray and knock
ed his long head against my leg, probably wanting food. I had nothing to give though, so only patted his gray head and continued to wait for Cu. The town grew quiet as the people went inside of all the bars and I was left alone on the street, waiting patiently.
Cu returned well after nightfall, after I'd been standing there for hours and hours. It was long after Fractious the mule had settled down on the ground and fallen asleep with his nose on the toe of my shoe. Rather than wake the finally quiet mule, I let him sleep and stood like the tallest statue in this strange new world. Of course, I'd rather not be there. I'd rather be back in the park wearing my trench coat, fedora and dark glasses, still waiting for the little man in the bright green top hat to appear from within his tree. Ah, the good old days.
Cu brought a small satchel with him and my mouth watered with the thought of food. Cu tossed the satchel to me as he passed by. I caught it deftly and watched him stroll into the inn nearby, shutting the door behind him. Fractious the mule lifted his head, looked at me with his great, brown eyes then went back to sleep. Alone in the street with a mule asleep on my foot, I opened the satchel. Inside, I found a loaf of bread no bigger than my hand. And nothing else.
Sighing, I slipped my foot out from under Fractious the mule's nose, trying not to wake him but he woke anyway and brayed. Someone yelled, "Keep that damned mule quiet!" but I had no control over Fractious the mule's vocal cords.
"Fractious," I said to the mule, "keep it down."
The mule blew a nose-full of snot at me, which struck me dead center in the chest. I stuck my tongue out in disgust but shrugged it off. I had no control over the mule's mucus either. So I went inside the barn, with the little mule on my heels, to get a good night's sleep.
* * * *
A good night's sleep is not what I got since my legs stuck out of the door of the barn when I stretched out. That, and Fractious the mule decided that I made a better bed than a pile of straw, and he slept mostly on my chest.
The ball of snot he'd snorted my way the night before had crusted into a white crust that I had to chip away at with a fingernail or two in order to make my shirt appear not so snot-crusted. When I looked more like a human being and not so much of a mule snot ball, I shuffled out of the barn and dragged the mule out by his heels. Outside, whether out of spite or by accident, Fractious the mule blew snot at me again, coating my shirt once more. I sighed and used his tufted tail to wipe the snot away.
"Do that again," I told the mule, "and I'll make you wear this shirt." I pointed my forefinger at his black rimmed nose. "Got it?"
Fractious the mule brayed curtly, getting the message.
"Now, where's Cu?"
Fractious the mule flipped his tail. He obviously didn't know.
I stepped out into the town, pausing only to take a quick drink from a horse trough that stood outside one of the hundred or so bars that dominated the town. Fractious the mule put his nose down into the same horse trough beside me but I didn't care much that I had to share. I had eaten the bread last night but it had barely made a meal. Maybe it was a good meal for a member of the Tuatha Dé, but it made a measly mouthful for me. I was hungry. And I still had my wicket with its image of Tom Cruise on one side and a fitting dodo bird on the other. I wondered what I could get with it.
I knelt down and stuck my head inside the small door of the nearest bar. There weren't any people outside to beg a beer off of, but there were plenty of people inside the bar, already drinking and becoming merry. I wished I was merry.
"Any food to spare?" I said, my head stuffed inside the doorway.
A baker's dozen folks stopped what they were doing and looked my way.
"Get out, giant!" a woman yelled.
I realized that I hadn't seen any women yet and should have wondered earlier about such a thing. People needed women to reproduce but I had thought little about it. I suddenly longed for a woman of my own to reproduce with, but then I shook my head. Hunger was my priority. Not sex.
Ooohh, sex....
Fractious the mule brayed at my heels and knocked his head against my ass. I found this rather funny and began to laugh but got control of myself long enough to realize that the big breasted little person and all her friends were staring at me, wondering why I was laughing since they couldn't see around my big head at the mule bumping my butt.
"Food," I said simply.
A man chucked a loaf of bread at my head. The bread struck my smack between the eyes, leaving crumbs in its wake. I muttered a thanks and withdrew my head from the doorway.
Sitting back by the barn with Fractious the mule, who was looking longingly at my bread, I nibbled at said bread. At least it was tasty. I half expected Napoleonic era weevils to come maggotting their way out of the bread at me, but the bread was clean and fresh. The crust crackled and steam escaped from the hot loaf when I broke it in half. I made the loaf last, but gave a little bit to the mule, wondering why he didn't go chop at some of the green grass that grew around the back of the barn. Apparently the bread tasted better than grass for he just sat on his haunches before me and drooled.
Cu came sauntering out of the nearby inn an hour after I'd finished my bread. I was attempting to teach Fractious the mule how to play Tic-Tac-Toe on a game board scratched out in the dirt. He just wasn't getting the hang of it. I was about ready to give up the attempt when my Tuatha Dé guide appeared. Cu was drinking down the last of a pint of beer and eating the last of what appeared to be a hamburger with all the trimmings when he reached me. I found myself drooling into Fractious the mule's already significant drool puddle, which had been muddying up our Tic-Tac-Toe game. How the hell do you stop a mule from drooling, anyway?
"How come you get beef but I only get bread?" I said, getting to my feet.
"You have to ask?" Cu said.
"I just did so I guess so."
"'Cause giant idiots only get bread. Now pack up Fractious and let's get moving. Today we'll probably reach the dragon's lair and I want to make sure we can pick up a sword."
My jaw struck the ground. "A sword?" I said. "What are we going to do with a sword?"
"Fighting the dragon, of course," Cu said. "If it comes down to it."
"Who said anything about fighting a dragon?" I asked as Cu began to pack up the mule himself, since I obviously wasn't going to do it. I was too absorbed in the idea of fighting a dragon and wielding a sword and doing both at the same time, neither of which I'd ever done before. "Nobody told me anything about a dragon. How come nobody told me anything about a dragon?!"
Cu rolled his eyes as he tied the packs on the mule's back. Fractious the mule stood stalk still, taking the abuse with only a waggle of his eyebrows. Finally, Cu decided to answer my questions, but only after two hours had passed and we were deep into an elm forest.
"'Cause maybe he'll just let us pass by without incident," Cu said suddenly.
"Huh?" I had no idea what he was talking about.
"The dragon," Cu said. "You asked why no one had told you about the dragon."
"Dragon?" I muttered.
"Never mind"' Cu muttered back.
"No wait," I said, kicking my pony and pushing my feet on the ground to make him go faster to catch up to Cu, who was up ahead on his pony, dragging the mule by his lead line. "Tell me about the dragon."
Cu sucked his teeth. "He lives on a mountain top, a mountain top that we have to cross to get to where we want to go."
"Where do we want to go?" I said.
"Do you want to hear about the dragon or not?" Cu yelled back at me.
I held up my hands. "Okay, I get it. Dragon. Go."
Cu went on. "The dragon lives on a mountain top--"
"You already said that." I dodged a swing of his bright green top hat.
He settled his bright green top hat back on his head and continued. "The dragon lives on a mountain top, a mountain top that we have to cross to get to where we want to go."
I almost spoke, but bit my tongue to make myself stop.
Cu
waited for my words but saw the blood dripping from my bit tongue and smiled. "That's better. The dragon's about ten times your size. Massive with a long neck and big wings. He can fly, but he's almost too fat for that. Maybe he's finally gained too much weight and can't fly, which will give you an advantage. And he's got lots of teeth. Gotta watch out for those teeth."
"Obviously," I whimpered, unable to stop myself.
Cu ignored me. "Now, the dragon will either let us pass without incident if we give him the mule to snack on or he'll make us fight him until he's satisfied."
"Satisfied?" I whispered.
"Until either he's dead or you are."
"Wait!" I yelled, once again kicking my poor pony until he was abreast of Cu's. "Him or me?"
"Yeah," Cu said. "Nobody's killed him yet, so it'll probably be you that ends up pushing up marigolds."
"Why me?" And then I said, "Marigolds?"
Cu ignored the marigold comment. "Well, I obviously am not going to risk my life to get past the damned dragon." He laughed raucously at my stupidity. "And if he kills you then he'll let me pass."
"So I get the sword, right?" I said.
Cu laughed some more. "No, I get the sword."
"How come I don't get the sword?"
"What do you need a sword for?"
My jaw dragged on the dirty ground. "To kill the dragon?"
"You can't kill him with a sword," Cu said, still laughing.
I was getting way tired of him laughing at me. I clenched my fists but composed myself before I could begin beating him to death. "So," I began after a moment, "how do I kill the dragon?"
"With your wit, of course!" Cu said, his laughter getting louder and full of more hilarity. "How else do you kill a dragon?"
"Uh... With the sword?"
"Then how will we kill Amergin?"
"Uh... With the sword?"
"How will we do that if the sword is lodged in the dragon?"
"Uh..." was all I could come up with.
"See," Cu said, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. "Foolish Guy Fractious who has the worst name ever. You know nothing of the ways of dragons."
"He's gonna eat me, isn't he?"
Fractious Page 4