"That is the funniest thing I ever heard," Balor said, sniffing. "I still don't hardly believe it's true. Yo' mama really named you that?"
I nodded proudly.
"Whatcho middle name, bro?"
"You'll start laughing all over again," I said.
Balor made a come-on gesture with both his hands. "Come on, gimmee."
"Ready? Guy Alamode Fractious."
Balor gave a huge roaring laugh. "Alamode? Like 'A la mode,' right? Kiddin'? Please tell me you kiddin'?"
I shook my head. "Nope."
Once again the dragon bellowed huge bellows of laughter, rolling about on the ground and holding his belly as if it was fit to burst.
Cu yanked on my shirt to get my attention. "I think you won," he said.
I smiled down at him.
"Is that really your name?"
I nodded. "Told you my mother was French."
Cu chuckled then gave a belting laugh. "Well, at least your name is finally good for something."
"What are you talking about?" I said. "My name has always been good for a laugh. By everyone who isn't me, anyway."
So we ended up having dinner with the dragon, not being dinner for the dragon.
Balor didn't kill Fractious the mule but went out for a moment, flying off on his big, veiny wings with his big, fat belly hanging down, to go catch a wild boar. He spitted the tusked thing and lit a fire with a belch of flame from his own toothy mouth.
He turned the spit as he sat and talked with us. "Can't believe you named your mule Fractious. Funny as shit."
Cu poked me in the ribs and grinned. "See, told you it was a good idea."
I shrugged, taking in the smells of the roasting boar that I probably wouldn't even get to taste. "I'm just glad to still be alive." I nodded towards the mule who bore my name. "I'm sure he's happy, too."
Fractious the mule seemed less stressed since he now knew he was not going to become dragon food. He was happily chomping down on some tasty looking alfalfa, along with the two ponies. The three of them seemed quite content, and I almost wanted to taste their dinner since I doubted I'd be getting a hunk of roast boar.
I was wrong in that, though. Balor served carefully, mindful of his claws. He handed both Cu and me fancy dinner plates with rose borders and gave us each a fork and a cloth napkin that was just about the same shade as his skin.
Sitting just off to the side of the soccer field, cross legged on the green grass, I forgot all about home and my life as it had been. The roast boar was moist and delicious, the first good meal I'd had in a while, since back home I'd been eating flour paste and here I'd only been eating bread. There was water aplenty, fresh from a nearby stream and it tasted like nothing I'd ever tasted before. It was cool and crisp, like juice from the first bite of a summer watermelon. I almost never wanted to leave this magical soccer field.
Balor broke my thoughts. "So, you guys off to kill Amergin?" He sucked his claws after finishing off the entire rump of the boar in one gulp.
"Yes," Cu said. "The mission remains the same."
"How you plan on findin' that dude?"
Cu sighed. "Starting in the last place he was seen. In the city of Tara, up in the North Country."
"And you takin' this mortal boy with you? To Tara?"
Cu nodded.
"I'm not a boy," I said. "I'm twenty years old."
"Baby then," Balor said, eyeing me with his good eye, which gleamed a bright gold in the light from the roaring fire. "Either way, you bested me, made me laugh for the first time in a hundred so years. You might have a chance at killing Amergin."
"Might?"
"Might," Balor repeated. "He's a powerful wizard, you know."
"Really?"
Balor nodded his massive head, blowing two rings of smoke from his nostrils. "He banished an entire people to this place. Imagine what he could do to you, Guy Alamode Fractious."
I rolled my eyes. He'd been repeating my name for the last few hours. If my mother were still alive, I'd be on the phone with her right that instant, telling her that my name was finally good for something. What had she been thinking anyway? "Good boar," I said.
Cu licked his lips then licked his fingers. "Very good. We'll stop by on the way back, eh? Bring some good wine?"
"Sounds great," Balor said, stretching his long neck. "You dudes wanna stay the night here? I got beds."
Cu looked at me, but he was the leader and I told him to make the decision. After a moment, he said, "Sure. We'd love to stay."
"Great!" the dragon roared, clapping his hands together with a loud slap. "Awesome! Love it! You like the king?"
I shook my head quickly and said, "Mac Gréine?"
Balor laughed out loud. "Now you just gonna keep 'em comin', eh? Not that old bastard. The king of pop."
"Elvis?"
"He's da king of rock, man." Balor belted a hearty laugh. "Be right back."
He thundered off, leaping over the edge of his soccer field and stretching his wings. He disappeared over the side of the mountain and in a few moments, I heard the unmistakable sounds of "Beat It". I found myself bopping to the beat.
Balor returned and snapped his clawed fingers. "MJ, man! Like?"
"The king is dead," I said solemnly.
"Yeah," Balor said thoughtfully. "If I'd bought the rights to this song like I wanted, I woulda made a fuckin' fortune!"
"That...sucks," was all I could think of to say, but Balor was too caught up in the song to hear my statement. I sat back and watched as the dragon began to moonwalk across the field, twitching along to the beat of the song and the next and the next. He sang what few lyrics he knew, mostly making them up as he went along.
A few hours later I lay in a bed of soft straw, hearing more songs played throughout the mountains and valleys, echoing through the midnight hours and beyond. I'll tell ya, it's really hard to sleep when Michael Jackson is playing full blast and a dragon is dancing just beyond your bedroom door.
* * * *
The next morning, after not much sleep, but still the best night's sleep I'd had in days, I rose to the braying of Fractious the mule. Once the bray had dissipated, a huge roar echoed throughout. I had slept in a cavernous area carved out of the mountainside. It was the cave from the previous night times thirty. It was big enough for Balor to sleep in but he said he preferred to sleep outside. Another bray broke through my thoughts and a sudden fear for Fractious the mule made me leap to my feet.
I bounded outside, mindlessly naked, and ran out onto the soccer field. Much to my relief, all I saw was Fractious the mule being chased by Balor the dragon. Both seemed to be having pants-loads of fun. I took a moment to catch my breath. From the sound of Fractious the mule's braying, I had thought Balor had changed his mind and wanted a mule meal after all. But they were only playing.
The sun beat on my private parts as I watched Fractious the mule running before Balor, kicking a soccer ball along with his hooved feet. The ball slipped between the poles of the farthest goal and Fractious the mule gave a wild bray, kicking up his back feet.
Balor stopped mid-field and scratched his head. "How the hell am I being beaten by a donkey?"
Fractious the mule gave yet another bray and trotted past Balor, his heels and head high. He saw me and snorted in my general direction.
I smiled at the sight of the dragon and mule playing soccer. "I tried to teach him Tic-Tac-Toe," I said, "but he never got the hang of it. Guess soccer was his game."
Balor gave me a look. "Why would you teach a mule Tic-Tac-Toe?"
"Dunno," I said. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Not like running around mother naked," Balor commented.
I looked down at my dangling stuff. "Oh, that." I turned a couple of shades of red and maybe some purple thrown in for good measure. "Maybe I should go put some clothes on." I spun around and went back into the mouth of the cave, back to the comfy bed of straw that I'd slept on where I'd dropped my clothing in a pile upon removing it the
previous night.
I wished for clean jeans when I donned the crusty old ones. But I had nothing else so I settled for what I had. I had no damned choice anyway. It was dirty clothes or no clothes, and as much as I liked wearing no clothes, Balor and Fractious the mule didn't seem too keen on it. So, wearing my grubby old clothes, I headed back outside. Balor was sitting beside Fractious the mule and both of them were staring off at the orange glow of the rising sun. They seemed to be enjoying each other's company.
"Sup," I said as I joined them, mimicking the tones used by Balor the dragon in his every day conversation.
"Sup, bro," Balor said to me, holding out his clawed hand for a high five.
I leaped up and slapped his scaled palm.
"I like your mule," the dragon said. "He's pretty cool. Can I keep him?"
It wasn't the last thing I expected him to ask but it was close. "Um," was all I could think of to say.
Fractious the mule looked at me with begging eyes.
"Well," I said after a moment, "he isn't my mule to give away."
Fractious the mule gave a whiney snort.
Balor put his hands together in prayer fashion, his eyes also taking on a begging pallor. "I like him," Balor repeated. "Come on, man. Show some love."
"Love?" I said. "What does love have to do with anything?"
"You love me?"
I was shocked. "No!"
"Damn," Balor said, shaking his head. Then he gave me a toothy grin. "I's just teasin'," he said. "I'll ask Cu if I can keep the mule."
Cu appeared a few minutes later and the question was posed to him. Cu looked at me. I put up my hands in a gesture of innocence.
"He likes Fractious," I said to Cu. "They played soccer together."
"Who will carry our packs?" Cu said.
"My pony," I suggested.
My pony, who was standing with his companion nearby, jerked his head up at the suggestion. He gave a whinny and snorted loudly, obviously protesting, but Cu didn't seem to notice or perhaps just didn't care. I did the only thing I could; I shrugged in the pony's general direction and mouthed, Sorry!
"You don't mind not riding?" Cu said to me.
I turned my attention back to him. This was the nicest thing he had ever said to me. I wiped an imaginary tear from my eye. "Are you concerned about me doing all that walking?" I said.
Cu opened his mouth to speak then snapped it shut with an audible snap.
"My feet drag on the ground," I said, looking back at the little horse. "I can walk faster anyway. I think the pony minds more than I would."
The pony gave another snort and stomped a hoof.
"You'll have to carry some of the stuff," Cu said.
I found myself agreeing easily. All I wanted was for Fractious the mule to be happy, and if staying with Balor made him happy then I was all for it.
"Okay," Cu said after an instance of thought. "Then yes. The mule can stay."
Fractious grinned, showing his square teeth. He gave a delighted bray and came over to me, butting me in the stomach with his long head. I rubbed his soft ears and patted his head.
"Have fun, buddy," I said to the mule who bore my name. "When I come back, we'll work on Tic-Tac-Toe again, okay?"
Fractious the mule rolled his eyes and licked my cheek. Drool ran down my skin and I used the hem of my shirt to wipe it away. The mule just licked me again, wanting me to keep his spittle as a souvenir of our time together. This time I didn't wipe it away, just let it slowly slide down my cheek and drip off my chin. I smiled through my disgust, but only because I had a fondness for that damned mule.
Balor was clapping his hands together in delight. "Got me a mule!" he hollered. "Friend mule," he said. "What they call you, mule?"
Cu looked to me to answer. I said, "Fractious," very softly, though I swore Balor already knew this.
"What you say?" Balor said.
"His name is Fractious," I said louder.
Balor burst out laughing. "Haha, I knew dat. Just wanted to hear you say it again! You named the ass after yourself. Funny, fucker!"
I stuffed my hands into my pockets and kicked my toe in the dirt. "I didn't name him," I said quietly.
Cu stood up for himself and said, "I named the mule that. Seemed fitting at the time."
I raised my eyebrows at him and gave him a tiny smile.
Cu only lifted his middle finger in reply.
Balor was still obviously delighted despite the fact that the mule bore my name. "Got me a mule!" he bellowed. "Gonna play lotsa soccer, ain't we, Fractious?!"
"Can we go now?" I said.
"Yes," Cu said. "Let's pack up and be outta here."
We did just that, with half our stuff piled onto my back and my pony giving me looks that told me I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. I asked Cu twice where we were headed, but he gave me no answer so I stopped asking. He'd only just hit me with his bright green top hat or give me the finger or something of that nature. I was cool with not knowing.
* * *
chapter 6
Down the mountain path we headed now, away from Balor the dragon's soccer field and away from Tat the sword maker and away from the doorway to my own home world. I began to wonder if I'd ever see my realm again or if I'd be permanently stuck here with Cu and his kind. I'd never be accepted, that was for sure. A giant among small people? I felt like Gulliver and wished for the kinder, gentler methods of the Lilliputians rather than the somewhat sanity-lacking Tuatha Dé.
After we'd been walking in silence for hours on end, I finally got up the courage to ask a question. "So, Cu," I began, "what's this Amergin dude like?"
"Evil." He said no more.
I felt the need to prompt even further. "But what is he?"
"Evil."
I decided upon a different tactic. "How old is he?"
"Old," was Cu's answer.
I sighed in frustration. "How many years old?"
"A lot," Cu said.
I balled up my fists. "Is he bigger than you?"
"He's your size."
I started. "He's human?"
"I don't know if human is the word for him," Cu said, "but he's about your height."
"Cool," I said, excited to meet someone of my stature, even if he was evil.
"He's a killer," Cu told me sternly, looking back over his shoulder at me. "He banished my people to this world and murdered thousands before he did so. We had to rebuild our lives here. We did nothing but fight for our own rights, for our own country, but we lost. Amergin is a powerful sorcerer. And he is certainly no coward."
I raised an eyebrow at him, but he just put his attention back on the road ahead. There was enough room for both of us to walk abreast so I yanked on my pony's reins and jogged to catch up to Cu. When we were walking side by side, I said, "Do you think I can beat him?"
"You won't be able to laugh him to death, if that's what you're thinking."
"I admit that the thought had crossed my mind," I said. "But how can I defeat him? And why the hell should I?"
Cu suddenly came to a stop. He touched my shin with a gentle hand, one I assumed would be resting on my shoulder had he been tall enough.
I angled my head to look down at him in curiosity. "What?"
"Amergin aims to destroy this world," Cu said. "Then he will move on to yours."
"What!"
Cu nodded somberly. "I've never told any of the others I brought through the door in the tree. I never thought any of them would make it past my buddy, Balor. Amergin had been hatching his plan for years now, and only in the last few months have we gotten wind of the extent of his plans. Though we were banished from our homeland in Ireland, we do not want to see it destroyed."
"Why don't you all just go back?" I said. "To Ireland?"
Cu gave me an inquisitive look.
"I mean," I muttered, "you obviously have a portal. You can obviously go into my world. Why don't you all just go through the portal into the park and take a plane to Ireland? You wouldn't eve
n have to pay because no one can see you. Unless they've been hit on the head, I guess."
Cu gave me a weak and pained smile.
I regretted having asked.
My guide patted his pony on the head before saying, "We used to be a harmonious people. We lived in peace with nature and everything around us. Ireland is now populated with big cities and cars. It has buildings a thousand times the height of a Tuatha Dé. It hosts Madonna concerts, for gods' sake. It isn't our home anymore. That doesn't mean we don't feel...an affinity for it. We just can't go back there. It just isn't home."
I kind of got it. I wasn't really sure what all the big fuss about cities and Madonna concerts was, but I was trying to understand. Not that I had anything to say about it.
Cu apparently had a bit more to say. "When we lived in Ireland, we could be seen by all. We were accepted and we cared for the land we lived on. We were a part of the land. If we went back now, we'd be the laughing stock. We would have to form a circus act or something because we'd have nothing to offer your world. It's just...different now."
I got it. It would be like me going back to work at the bank. It would be a familiar job, but it wouldn't be the same as it was. So I nodded at Cu and gave him a smile. Then I dropped back with my pony and resumed walking behind him. He moved slowly now, his head down, his bright green top hat tipped forward on his head. I sincerely regretted bringing up old wounds.
We walked on, slowly making our way down steep paths and rounded corners. Far in the distance, I began to see the faint outline of a city of some kind. I could see large homes and the spire of something that might have been a church, or possibly a bank. A wall surrounded the city, a tall wall built of white and red bricks. It appeared to be made of candy canes and I felt a sudden craving for peppermint.
It was getting late. We'd taken all day to walk down the mountainside. I missed Fractious the mule, especially since I was now carrying most of the baggage. Our load was lighter than it was when we'd started, since we'd eaten a lot of our food. The city in the distance only meant that we'd be refitting and there'd be more for me to carry. I wouldn't be surprised if Cu asked me to carry my pony too. My pony had bitten me back at the soccer field when I tried to put everything on his back and not carry anything on mine. I had gotten the hint when I saw his flat teeth had drawn an oddly perfect ring of blood on my arm, and that's why I was carrying pretty much everything.
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