"Tall," Cu said, examining me. "Lanky. Big, dumb eyes. Round head. Trench coat. Dark glasses. Fedora."
I laughed out loud. "That was just a disguise," I said, "to fool you."
"Fool me into what?"
"Thinking I wasn't watching you anymore," I told him. "Which reminds me, that was my best fedora and I left it in your house. Don't let me forget about it when I leave. If I leave? Am I ever going to leave?"
"I was kidding," Cu said.
I stood with my mouth open for a minute. "Oh," was all I could manage.
"But," he continued, "since you have seen past the others, I'll tell you what's up." He cleared his throat. "We have been trying to get to Amergin for the last six months. Every month I've brought back a mortal from your realm to aid us in getting past the dragon on the top of this mountain so I can continue on and kill Amergin myself. But no one has made it past the dragon."
"Why me?" I said, then corrected myself. "Why us? I mean, why pick a human being to bring back? There must be other realms that this one and mine. Why pick us?"
"Because you're funny," Cu said.
I crossed my arms over my chest, huffing once again. "Well, I'm glad you find me hilarious."
Cu rolled his eyes until I thought they were going to come unscrewed and bounce down onto the ground. "You understand comedy," Cu said finally, stopping his eye rolling.
"What does that have to do with anything?" I barked.
"The dragon likes jokes," Cu said.
"The dragon likes jokes," I repeated thoughtfully.
"The dragon likes jokes," Cu said again.
I was tempted to continue the repeating game but held my tongue on that. I only said, "What makes you think I know any jokes?"
"I don't," Cu said. "I bring back the people who can see me. I wasn't even looking for you. People who can see me are the ones who've gotten a bad knock on the head. Like you. And humans and dragons understand comedy. The Tuatha Dé don't."
I rubbed my head, which was apparently the source of my current predicament. Or maybe I should just blame the muggers, Al and friend. I thought it over for a minute. "When I get back..." I began, then corrected, "If I get back, will I still be able to see you? After all this is over?"
"Why worry about that," Cu said. "You're gonna die tomorrow."
"I'm not going to die," I said. "Because I'm not going to face your stupid dragon."
"Yes," Cu said, "you are."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Am not!" I stamped my foot for final emphasis.
"You will," Cu said, "and you know why?"
"Why?" I muttered.
"Because I'm gonna let you take the sword."
I could feel my eyes grow big and a smile forced its way onto my face. "Really?" I said, excited.
"Really," Cu said, unstrapping the sword and holding it out to me.
I reached for it but he pulled it back. I pouted.
"One condition," Cu said. "You take it, and you go with me tomorrow. Right?"
"Right." I reached for the sword and tried to take it.
"Here," Cu said, holding it out once more.
I took it, one hand carefully on the flat edge of the blade and the other on the hilt. "Cool," I breathed, watching my breath fog on the silver blade.
"And now tomorrow you fight the dragon," Cu said.
I protested. "But I--"
Cu pointed at what I was holding. "You took the sword! You took it knowing the condition and you still took it!"
"Shit," I muttered, dropping the sword to waist level, but holding onto it tightly lest I drop it onto the floor. "I really wanted it."
Cu gave me a wicked smile. "I know," he said. "Now, here's some bread and water. Eat it all and go to bed. Big day tomorrow!"
I took the bread as I sat down, laying the sword that was really more dagger sized across my knees. Not that size matters in any instances save for TVs. I stroked the sword lovingly as I nibbled on what could very well have been my last bit of bread. I didn't mind it all that much until Cu pulled out what appeared to be a turkey club sandwich. Only then was my mind filled with jealousy. I chewed on my bread and hated him for various reasons.
* * *
chapter 5
I slept well on the hard stone floor, using Fractious the mule's gray back as a pillow, which he didn't seem to mind much. He slept beneath me and didn't even move when I got up to take a piss. Outside in the darkness, I kept my ears pricked for rustling brushes, but I heard and saw nothing. That didn't stop me from rushing back into the cave when I was done with my whiz.
The fire had gone down to nothing but a bunch of red embers. It gave me enough light to see my way back into the cave, and I was surprised to suddenly find myself standing over a sleeping Cu. Had I taken one more step, I probably would have stumbled over him, which surely would have earned me a beating with his ever present bright green top hat. Said bright green top hat now sat upright beside him on its brim, glittering in the glow of the embers like the wings of a green fairy, mocking me all the while. Cu was sleeping soundly except for the occasional loud snore. I felt odd standing there, knowing I could rid myself of this annoying little man with one swipe of the sword he had given me, but I didn't. Instead, I went back to Fractious the mule who was now Fractious my pillow and went back to sleep.
I slept for another hour or so before the light of dawn came creeping silently into the cave. It struck me like a slap to the face and I jolted awake. I sat bolt upright and rubbed my eyes. Cu was already awake and building another teepee beneath which he would start the morning's fire.
"Good to see nothing ate you in the night," was Cu's good morning to me.
I blew out a breath and got to my feet, stretching out the night's stiffness, which I hadn't done during my short waking to potty. "What's for breakfast?" I said. "Or let me guess. Bread for me. Filet mignon for you."
"Funny," Cu said. He paused then pointed at me. "See, you are funny! All you have to do is joke the dragon to death."
"I was serious," I said.
Cu pulled out a center cut filet mignon, stuck a sharp stick through it, and held it out over the fire to cook.
I sat down beside the fire in a typical huff. To my surprise, Fractious the mule got up, came to stand beside me then fell down on the ground in a perfect echo of my huffiness. I smiled at him as he looked up at me with his great, brown eyes. Then I patted his head, rubbed his soft ears and went back to my argument with Cu. "Where's my bread?" I said demandingly.
Cu held out a half loaf to me.
I took it and pulled off a piece, taking huge bites out of it. "Thank you," I said without a hint of honest thanks in my voice.
We ate in silence, me watching him take slow, juicy bites out of his steak and me eating my dry bread and drinking water from a goat skin canteen. I tried to show him up by drinking the remainder of Tat's goat dung tea. That didn't seem to make any impression on him whatsoever, so I gave the last few swallows to Fractious the mule, who still didn't care about the goat dung flavor.
Once he saw I was done with my half loaf, Cu announced it was time to go. "And today we'll reach the dragon," he added as he packed up Fractious the mule.
"Goody," was my response.
I strapped the sword onto my back and leaned backwards when I stood up. It was heavier than Cu made it out to seem but I could manage. After fifteen minutes, I took off the sword and hooked it on the pommel of my pony's saddle. He minded a whole lot less than I did so I let him carry it.
The path through the mountains wound around and around. It felt like we were walking all the way around the damned mountain instead of just over it. We might have been doing just that, to tell the truth. I couldn't really be sure. Cu had gotten us lost once before, just after we left the city of Murias, but he'd been pretty sure of himself since then. The rocky path stopped at a set of steep stairs that were carved right into the granite.
"We're really going up those?" I said, while glancing back at my pon
y and wondering.
"Yep," Cu said. He took the first couple of steps, dragging his pony behind him. The pony didn't even really balk but began climbing, which didn't warrant all the pulling and dragging Cu was doing. I think Cu just enjoyed pulling and dragging.
I followed suit, right behind Fractious the mule's big rump, but I did no pulling or dragging. Fractious the mule's tail swished in my face as he went up step by step. I held back a bit but my pony kept nudging my butt with his nose so I had to keep going. With Fractious the mule's ass in my face and my pony behind me, I climbed up the steps without a thought to anything but my safety until we reached the top.
At the top was the last thing I expected to see.
A lush green field spread before me. Two white mesh goals stood at either end of two giant half circles drawn with white chalk. There was a small stadium-style seating area on the opposite end, but there was nobody anywhere to be seen, seated or no.
"What the hell is this?" I said as I walked out onto the field with my pony in tow.
"Soccer field," Cu answered.
"I can see that," I said.
"Then why ask?"
"Why is it here?"
"So people can play soccer," Cu said.
"What people?"
"Oh, nobody lives here," he answered. "It's here just in case."
"Of course," I muttered. "So where's this dragon you keep telling me nothing about?"
"He'll be around in a few minutes, I suspect," Cu said. "I'm sure he can smell you by now."
A few minutes passed.
No dragon.
I waited patiently after venturing over to the little grandstand and taking a seat. The seats were obviously made for people smaller than me. My knees were at my chin when I sat on the bottom row. I didn't much care, just rested my chin where it apparently belonged and waited. And waited.
And waited some more.
I got very good at waiting as the hours passed. Fractious the mule and I ran around in circles for a while until the mule got tired and went to sit under the shade of a tree. He stared at me and mocked me for a bit, trying to pass the time. I tried to teach Cu to play Tic-Tac-Toe, but he wasn't getting the hang of it and it was getting really dull. I walked along the white chalk lines, pretending I'd been pulled over by a cop and was being tested for drunkenness.
I would much rather have been back home being pulled over by a cop and being tested for drunkenness then waiting for a dragon who seemed reluctant to show. Not that I wanted him to show, since the plan was for him to eat me. And Fractious the mule. Neither of which sounded very appetizing to me, but who am I to mock the taste buds of a dragon?
Said dragon made his appearance a couple of eons after we arrived. I heard the flap-flap of giant wings and looked up. The dragon apparently wasn't too fat yet to fly for, to my genuine surprise, it swooped down out of the sky and landed right in front of me.
He looked like any other dragon you'd see in a movie. Except for the pot belly, he was a normal, healthy looking dragon. I reached for the sword, but I'd forgotten that I'd left it on the grandstand. I went to get it while Cu made introductions.
"Hey, Balor," Cu said, waving in the most unafraid and friendly manner. "It's me again."
The dragon gave a mighty laugh that sounded all too much like a roar to me. "Cu, my man!" he said, holding out a large, scaled and clawed hand.
Cu went up and gave the clawed hand a high five. "How's it been?"
"I been waitin' for ya, bro!" the dragon said, clapping his hands together with a thunderous bang. "What took ya so long?"
"Had to find another fool to bring over," Cu said. "This one is just a tad bit smarter than the rest."
"Just a tad, eh?" the dragon, whose name apparently was Balor, said.
Cu held his forefinger and thumb a few centimeters apart for emphasis.
I got the picture.
"So," I said, strolling forward and awkwardly holding the sword out at this not-so-ferocious dragon. The sword's pointy tip shook slightly. "What's a Balor?" I said, trying to sound brave, yet failing quite miserably.
"That's my name, brother!" the dragon bellowed. He turned his head and I caught sight of a disgusting eye. It was pussy and weeping yellow fluids, swollen and red around the edges.
"Ew," was all I could muster.
"Call me Balor. 'cause of the eye, man. Pus is poison, son. King Balor had the same kinda eye." He yelled all this, which was apparently how he said everything. "I's named after King Balor, who slew King Nuada back in the Fomorian days."
"What's a Fomorian?"
The dragon stood tall over me. He was as big as a couple of small houses and his wings were spread wide as he stood on his two hind legs, which also ended in clawed feet. His claws were each as big as my hand. I didn't much like the look of them.
"What's a Fomorian?" he roared, laughing. "Dude, where'd you get this guy?"
Cu shrugged.
I drew back my lips in an attempt at a snarl, trying to look mean and evil, which I wasn't. "So," I said less than ferociously, "I guess I'm here to slay you."
"Slay me?" the dragon said, pointing a clawed finger at his chest. "Slay me?" he repeated. "You joking."
I couldn't help myself. "You sound like the Oogie Boogie Man from The Nightmare before Christmas."
Balor looked to Cu and then back to me, then back to Cu again with a curious expression on his long, scaled face. His drippy eye oozed. "Dude," he said to Cu, "you said he was a tad smarter than the others. You lost your mind?"
Cu shrugged. "I said just a tad."
I hefted the sword so the point was right up against Balor's green midsection. The dragon gave a mighty laugh. "You think you gonna slay me with that measly piece o' metal? You jokin', boy! So, what's your name?"
"You'll just laugh at me," I said to him. "And not in a good way."
"Fine, no names then," Balor said. "You ready to use your funny bone?"
"I'm not very funny," I said. "But I know a couple of jokes. Ready?"
Balor sat back on his dragon haunches and clapped his hands together eagerly. His tail, which ended in a spiky diamond, swished impatiently on the ground.
I cleared my throat. "Will you really die if I tell you a good joke?"
"No," Balor said.
"Will I really die if I can't tell a good joke?"
"Yep," Balor said. "Ain't no helpin' that. Just the way o' the world."
"So if I tell you a joke, you'll let us go past?"
"I'll let you pass."
My next sentence was directed at Cu. "Hey, Cu," I said. "How come we didn't just walk past this place when it was unguarded? Before Balor with his pussy eye got here?"
Cu shrugged his shoulders. He was now seated in the perfect viewing area on the top row of the mini-grandstand. The mule and the two ponies were seated beside him. "We could have."
"So why didn't we?"
"It's more fun this way," Cu said. "Besides, you didn't mention that you didn't want to meet with the dragon."
"Yes, I did!"
"Oh, yeah." Cu scratched his chin. "You did. I remember now."
"Hey, kiddo!" Balor yelled. "Get on with it! I wanna hear some jokes, son!"
"Okay," I said, giving him my full attention. "Here goes. Your mama is so old that she remembers the Grand Canyon as a ditch."
"So?" Balor said. "What if she does?"
I didn't quite know how to respond to that so I tried again. "Okay, so have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?"
The dragon shook his head. "Nope."
"Well, neither has he."
"True," Balor said. "When you gonna get to the jokes, man?!"
"I'm doing the best I can," I mumbled to myself. And tried again. "A man walks into a bar with a ham sandwich. He says to the bartender, 'A pint of beer for me and one for the ham sandwich.' The bartender says, 'We don't serve food here.'"
"Don't get it," Balor said.
I tried to explain. "See, the guy wants beer for himself and for his sandwich.
Bartender says they don't serve food there."
"Don't make it funny," Balor said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Eddie Murphy you ain't."
"Never claimed to be," I said. "You're gonna kill me, aren't you?"
"Probably." Balor made a continue gesture with his claws. "I'll give you a few more tries."
"Can I borrow your face for a few days?" I said.
"Why?" Balor said.
"Because my ass is going on vacation."
"Oh, yeah?" Balor said. "To where?"
I cleared my throat. "Where do you find a mule with no legs?"
"Where?" said the dragon.
"Right where you left him."
The dragon gave a mighty sigh. "Okay, enough of your blubberin'. I'm ready to kill and eat you now. Where's my mule snack?"
Fractious the mule could be seen out of the corner of my eye. He was silently backing away from the grandstand, trying to hide behind a big tree. The dragon saw him anyway.
I suddenly had an idea. "Wait!" I called out.
Balor, who had spread his wings and was bunched up, ready to take off to catch Fractious the mule, stopped mid leap.
"Give me one last try," I pleaded.
Balor snorted laughter. "After that mess? You ain't nothing but a stupid human."
"Stupid human I may be," I said, suddenly standing tall, "but I have something you'll certainly laugh at."
Balor settled back onto the ground and looked at me with his good eye and his pussy eye. "Shoot."
"My name..." I said, drawing out the words.
Balor's eyes grew big and one ridge above one eye raised in anticipation.
"Is Guy Fractious."
Balor snorted more laughter. "You serious?" he said, now sniggering.
"Totally serious," I said, trying not to smile.
"You jokin'," Balor said. "You gotta be jokin'!"
"No joke." Cu suddenly stepped to my side. "That's really his name."
Balor laughed and laughed. Smoke eventually began to stream out of his nose. He rolled over onto his back, folding up his wings as he bawled with laughter. His good eye cried clear, perfect tears like little diamonds. His poison eye dripped yellow pus and white liquid that looked like glue--or something else I won't even begin to mention. But, despite the variation in his tears, he continued to laugh until he sputtered and forced himself upright, wiping away the tears from his face with a clawed hand.
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