Fractious

by Carrie Lynn Barker

  "No change!" I yelled, downing my second pint. "More beer!"

  Cu ignored my desires and said, "So what makes you think Amergin went to Black Mountain?"

  "A little bird told me," Nemain said.

  "Seriously?" Cu said seriously.

  "Seriously!" Nemain echoed. "I have this bird, see. I had him follow Amergin home just in case some people eventually came to kill him. I really hate that guy. He never pays his tab. He just waves his magic staff and turns someone into a bullfrog instead of paying up." Then he muttered, "Jerk."

  I yelled, "More beer!" and was significantly ignored.

  "Can I speak to your bird?" Cu said.

  "Sure," Nemain said, pushing himself to his feet. "Just let me go get him."

  When Nemain was gone, Crista said, "You really think he has a talking bird?"

  "Why not?" Cu said. "He talks," he added, pointing at me.

  At this point, I was hoisting my glass and singing an Irish drinking song. The wench and a few of her friends had joined in and had even given me a free pint. I couldn't have been happier.

  Nemain returned as I went into the third verse. He held a blanket-covered bird cage in his hand. When he lifted the blanket, a bird that could have been or could not have been a parrot immediately joined in on my drinking song. I was surprised that he knew all the words.

  "Shut up!" Nemain shouted at the bird.

  "Whatcho want, Nemain?" the bird squawked.

  "Details," Cu said to the bird.

  "You ugly!" the bird squawked.

  "About Amergin," Cu said.

  "He ugly, too!"

  Cu rolled his eyes. "Where did Amergin go?"

  "Ugly black mountain!" the bird squawked. "He always go there!"

  "You're sure?" Cu said.

  "Sure as you ugly!" the bird squawked.

  "That's pretty sure," Nemain said with a grin and a nod.

  Cu ignored him, then took off his bright green top hat and whacked me over the head with it.

  I fell down, and woke slung over the back of my pony, my head and feet dragging in the dirt. My nose was filled with dust and I blew out a muddy snot cloud when I came to. Through the dust cloud, I could see Cu and Crista engaged, not in sex thankfully, but in conversation. I stuck my fingers into my nose to dislodge more dirt, then hollered, "Somebody get me off this pony!"

  The pony came to a halt and dislodged me easily enough. He kicked up his back legs and I flew over his head, landing on my face a few feet ahead of him. I slowly got up and brushed myself off. I faced my guide and Crista, who were both smiling. Crista was trying to hide her smile behind her hand, and she was obviously trying even harder not to laugh. She lost that battle and burst out laughing.

  "Funny," I said. "Why'd you put me on the pony like that?"

  "We couldn't very well wait until you'd sobered up," Cu said, still grinning. "Three pints of beer in five minutes. Hell, that woulda put me under!"

  "I think I had more than three," I said, swallowing something disgusting that suddenly came up from my stomach. "Anybody mind if I go vomit?" Nobody minded so I walked off into the woods and did just that. I examined said woods as I returned. "Where are we?"

  "The woods," Cu said.

  "Oh," I said, looking around as if I hadn't already noticed that. "Are we going to Black Mountain?"

  "Yep," Cu said. "Can you walk?"

  I nodded a headachy head. "Hey, I didn't fuck the wench, did I?"

  "No," Crista said with a smile. "We managed to keep you away from the water."

  "Maybe next time," I said. The two of them began walking. Crista led my pony and I trudged along behind them.

  Crista was telling Cu all about her life, how she hated her job at the bank, how she hated the place where she'd been living, how she was looking for a hero to take her away from it all, and how she really hated the kid she babysat. "He's the worst!"

  "Babysitting sucks," Cu said.

  "You babysat?"

  "Naw. I saw Adventures in Babysitting once."

  "So what really lies ahead of us?" Crista said. "All I really got to see of this world was Orgyville back there. I mean, I like Sodom and Gomorrah. Who doesn't? But that? That was out of this world!"

  "It was very much in this world," Cu corrected.

  Crista rolled her eyes.

  "Well, Amergin is a very powerful magician," Cu said. "He banished my people to this place..."

  I'd already heard this story so I drowned it out. Instead, I went and got my sword that was still really just a dagger and took to practicing with it again. I swung it over my head and around myself in an arcing whirlwind. I lagged behind so I wouldn't lop off the tails of the ponies, and I began to lag sufficiently behind as time went on. I'm pretty good at lagging. I swung and whirled, lopped at overhanging branches and drew lines in the dirt. I felt I was getting very good at hefting the heavy thing when I suddenly realized I couldn't hear Crista or Cu talking anymore. I stopped dead in my tracks and the sword hung limp at my side.

  I was alone in the woods.

  The trail spread out before me and I ran down it, keeping my head low so I could keep an eye on it. The last thing I wanted was to be forever lost in the woods on the way to kill the wizard. That would leave the task to Crista, who I doubted would be much good at anything but screwing a guy like Ken. Oh, I didn't doubt her banking abilities. She had a way with numbers, but as far as being a warrior, well... She hadn't had as much practice as I had. She hadn't bested a dragon with only her name. Of course, that might or might not have been pure luck. Plus, I had the sword. They'd be lost in their attempts to kill Amergin without said sword.

  I reached a point in the trail where it split down two paths. There was a sign post standing in the fork with two arrows nailed to it. Unfortunately for me, the signs were so faded that I couldn't make them out. Wondering how long they'd been there, I stood and scratched my head. I looked down at the ground and saw pony tracks but they went in both directions. There were fewer in one direction, so I took that path, hoping it would lead to Black Mountain, a place where I figured few would want to go.

  I ran until I ran out of breath then I walked until I was even more out of breath. I walked for a long time, listening, hoping I would hear someone calling my name or the whicker of one of the ponies. I thought that they might notice I was missing, but then I thought Cu might be so happy at my loss that he might convince Crista it was a good thing.

  I had a flash of the two of them rolling naked on a bed of pine leaves and picked up the pace. I can't tell you how long I trotted down the wrong path before I even knew it was the wrong path. And I knew it was the wrong path when I came to a little cottage.

  Feeling like I'd walked into a fairy tale and I was about to be accosted by seven dwarves and quite possibly the Mad Hatter, I went up and knocked on the front door. I waited impatiently, shifting from one foot to the other. It was getting dark, and I hated to think about what lurked in the darkness in these woods. I'd heard the rustling of something in the dark of the mountains, and I wasn't too sure if there was something like that out here, in these woods, something that would rustle.

  After a moment or two during which I contemplated the meaning of death, a small old woman answered the door. She was wearing a flower print shift and had long, flowing white hair. She could have been anybody's grandmother except short. "Who is it?" she said, staring at my knees.

  "Up here," I said.

  She lifted her chin as high as it would go and I bent down a bit. Then I saw her snow white eyes. "Up where?" she said. She was staring at the eaves of her home.

  "Sorry," I said. "I didn't realize you were blind."

  "I'm not blind!" she said forcefully, shaking a walking stick at my head, which I expertly dodged, having learned from experience. "I can see you just fine!"

  "Oh yeah?" I said. "Then what color are my eyes?"

  "Purple!" she yelled. People in this place do a lot of yelling, I suddenly thought. "Your eyes are purple!"

 
; "Wrong," I said, pointing a finger at her, which she couldn't very well see but made me feel better nonetheless.

  She put the tip of walking stick on the ground and sighed. "Okay, you got me. Who are you and what do you want?"

  "I'm..." I stopped myself before giving her my name and sending her into gales of laughter. I doubted her old heart could take it. She looked at least three hundred years older than Tat the sword maker, and I thought I was getting pretty good at guessing the ages of the Tuatha Dé I'd come across in my travels. But still, I wasn't about to give her my name. "I... uh, got lost in the woods. Could you point me the way to Black Mountain?"

  "Black Mountain?" she repeated. "Why the hell would you want to go there?"

  "I'm looking for Amergin," I said. "I'm supposed to kill him."

  "Yeah, him I know," she said. "Never pays his tab. You're a long way from Black Mountain and off in the wrong direction," she told me.

  "I figured that," I said.

  "You took the wrong fork."

  "I figured that, too," I repeated.

  "You do lotsa figuring," she said. "But by my calculations it's getting dark. You don't want to be out after dark. You'll get robbed or eaten or worse. Come inside and have a bite and a drink."

  "Worse?" I muttered as I ducked my head and went inside her tiny home, glad I could even get my shoulders through the door.

  * * *

  chapter 7

  Even sitting down, I had to bend my neck, and doing so I took up most of the room so that the blind old woman had to climb over me to get around.

  "You're like an obstacle course," she said as she clambered over my foot.

  "Sorry. You're pretty good at getting around for a--"

  She glared at me hard enough that I stopped before I could say "blind lady."

  "How come you're so big, anyway?" she said, handing me a thimble full of a drink I could not identify, even after tasting it.

  "I was born this way," I told her.

  "You were born this damned big?!" she exclaimed, a hand over her heart.

  "Well, I grew up. When I was born I was about your size. Probably a little smaller."

  "Having you woulda killed me," she said with a crusty laugh. "You like my tea?"

  I had already down my thimble full and said, "That was tea?"

  "Made from--"

  "Don't tell me!" I held up my hands, as if to block her words with them. "Please, don't tell me." I hadn't seen any goats but that didn't mean they weren't out there.

  "Fine, I won't tell you." She scrambled over my right shin and handed me a plate with some food on it. The portions were fit for her but made only mouthful for me. I didn't complain. "Like it?" she said me after a moment. "It's my grandmother recipe. Fish eggs and Spam. Yum!"

  I made a face knowing that she couldn't see it. "Fish eggs?" I repeated. "I didn't see a river anywhere."

  "It's over there!" She swung her cane in what I assumed was the direction of the river.

  The cane smacked me upside the head and I saw stars.

  "Oops." She put a hand to her mouth. "Did I getcha?"

  The room was spinning slightly faster than normal but I said, "I'm okay." I shook my head to get rid of the flashing lights and sighed. "You sure it's not safe to go out in the dark? I really need to get back to my friends."

  "Not in these woods. Remember what I said? Eaten or worse." She once again pointed with her cane, but I managed to dodge it that time.

  "What's worse than being eaten?" I said, very curious.

  She waggled a warning finger. "Being slowly eaten."

  "Oh," I said in a subdued tone. "Guess that would be worse."

  "You can sleep here tonight."

  "Thanks," I muttered, wondering how I would accomplish that. In the end, she climbed into her bed, which was wedged into a corner, and I slept where I was, curled up into a very small ball with my forehead nearly at my knees. I didn't sleep much but how could I refuse when the other option was being eaten, and possibly very slowly?

  I woke in the morning to a beautiful ray of sunshine but I was unable to move. I was still curled up in a little ball but my feet were tied to my neck and my hands were bound together. The rope was so tight around me that I was stuck as a ball. "What the hell is all this?" I said to what appeared to be an empty room.

  "Who are you?" someone called out in a loud masculine voice.

  "Guy." I waited for a laugh I didn't get, but then I realized I hadn't given my last name. "I got lost in the woods last night. What happened to the nice old lady who let me in?"

  "What did you do with my grandmap?" the unseen speaker said.

  "Grandmap?" I repeated quietly. I figured out that he meant the old lady. "Nothing," I said as innocently as possible.

  "Did you rape her? 'Cause if you did I'm going to cut your little balls into--"

  "Rape her? How could I do that? I can't even move in this little house. I couldn't rape anyone in here, not that I would ever rape anyone anywhere. Who are you?"

  A little man, obviously of the Tuatha Dé came around to face me. He was smaller than Cu, which made him about two feet tall, and surprisingly skinny. He wore purple livery with a gold shield embroidered on his right shoulder. The sword strapped to his back looked like it would put a butter knife sized hole in me if he got it in his head to do so. Not wanting any butter knife sized holes in me, I gave him my most innocent expression.

  "Who are you?" I said again, gently and quietly.

  "I am Lug," he said.

  "Lug?" I repeated, choking on my laughter. "And I thought I had a terrible name."

  "Mock me not, giant!" He drew his sword and holding the tip of it to my eye.

  Terrified, I gulped. I happened to like my eyes the way they were and didn't want to risk losing one. "Sorry, sir," I sputtered. "I didn't mean anything by it. Please don't poke me."

  "Where is my grandmap?!" he yelled once again.

  "I don't know," I said. "She was here a minute ago." I rolled my eyes around in my head, pretending to look, even though I couldn't see much more than a few inches of the wall in front of me.

  "Lug!" someone called in a crackly voice. "What have you done to my house guest?!"

  The old woman appeared in my sight and I breathed a sigh of relief. She stood with her hands on her hips, her cane standing straight out behind her.

  "Grandmap!" Lug cried out, throwing his arms around her and nearly knocking her off her feet. "I thought for sure he'd raped you!"

  The old woman pushed him off of her and said, "Now why would you think such a thing?"

  "Well, being so close to Tara, I just thought..."

  "You thought wrong," the old woman said. "Now untie my house guest before I hurt you."

  "Of course, Grandmap," Lug said, kicking his toe in the dirt of the floor, obviously disappointed that he wasn't going to be able to poke me. He used his sword to cut through the tough rope that bound me up in a ball.

  The first thing I did was crawl outside so I could stretch my aching limbs. Lug and his grandmap followed me, watching me curiously. Well, Lug watched anyway. After cracking every joint fit to crack, I sat down in the dirt outside the house.

  "Sorry about all that," Lug said, looking me up and down. "I wasn't expecting to find a giant in my grandmap's house this morning."

  "Nobody expects to find a giant in his grandmother's...er, grandmap's house," I said. "I'd certainly be surprised, especially considering my grandma's been dead for seven years."

  "What are you doing here, anyway?"

  "I got lost in the woods last night, and your grandmap was kind enough to let me sleep here. She mentioned things in the woods that would eat me, possibly slowly, and she thought it best that I stay."

  "She's right," Lug said. "There are things out there that would eat you, possibly slowly. Not the best way to die."

  "Got that right," his grandmap said. "Shall I make us some breakfast?"

  "Sure," Lug said. "Oh, and I brought your groceries for the next week."r />
  "Thanks, sonny." She retreated into the house.

  "She gets around pretty good for a blind woman," I said.

  "She's been blind all her life," Lug said. "She's had experience."

  "Oh," was all I could think to say.

  "So, where you from?" Lug said.

  "New York. You?"

  "Banba," he answered.

  "Oh."

  "What are you doing out here anyway?" he said.

  "I'm supposed to kill Amergin," I told him.

  "Oh, good!" he said, smiling broadly. "It's about time someone did that."

  "You people don't like him much, do you?"

  Lug shook his head, his smile fading into a grimace. "He's evil."

  "So I've heard. Hey, how come nobody seems to care much about this Amergin dude?"

  "Whaddya mean?"

  "Well," I said, pulling at my chin, "He's evil and apparently trying to take over the world. Or destroy it. Or both, I'm not sure, but nobody is getting ready for war or anything. Seems like everybody just goes about their daily business. I don't get it."

  Lug shrugged. "What are we supposed to do?"

  I shrugged back. "Fight? Try and stop him?"

  "Isn't that what you're trying to do?"

  I nodded.

  "Then we're doing something to stop him. So what are you complaining about?"

  "Dunno," I muttered.

  "You're Guy, right?"

  "Guy Fractious." I bit my tongue after it came out.

  For once, I wasn't laughed at. Lug only rolled my name around on his tongue for a bit before shrugging. "Could be worse," he said.

  "What's your grandmother's...er, grandmap's name?"

  Lug opened his mouth to speak but came up with nothing. "I have no idea." He blinked. "I never thought about that before. Hhm."

  I laughed. "You don't know your own grandmap's name?"

  "Why? Do you?"

  I opened my mouth to speak then shut it with a snap. "Uh... no."

  We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before the old woman came out and rescued us. She held out a small plate to me that was heaped with scrambled eggs. I took it and thanked her.

  "That's all I could fit on the plate," she explained. "I'll make some more if you're still hungry."