Fractious

by Carrie Lynn Barker

  "I filched it back at Black Mountain," she said proudly. "Everyone else was taking stuff, I figured I should, too."

  Cu and I glanced at each other and smiled. "You know, I like you more and more each day," Cu said to Fiacha, giving her a look that might have had a little bit of love in it.

  Fiacha grinned back and tossed the emerald to Nemain, who caught it deftly in midair. "Keep the change," she said, still staring at Cu.

  "How would I make change out of this, anyway?" Nemain said. "Now, what do you all want to drink?"

  Cu said, "Plenty of beers for my friend, Fractious here. As many as he can keep down." Then he glanced at Fiacha with a wicked smile. He held up two fingers. "And two waters."

  A wench delivered our drink orders, keeping the beers coming as long as I could hold them. For me, at least. Cu and Fiacha only drank their waters, not even touching a single beer, and soon retreated to their room. I didn't blame them; they couldn't keep their hands, feet and other various body parts off each other after the water was gone.

  I didn't even bother to listen in at their door. I could guess what they were up to, and with more vigor than any of the previous nights they'd spent together. Not that I could have gone up to their room and listened at the door. I was stone drunk in about an hour. So stone drunk, in fact, that I didn't wake up for twenty four hours. I was glad for once to have slept for twenty four hours instead of having to try and stay awake for twenty four hours. It was a new experience for me.

  I woke up with the biggest headache I'd ever had in all the years of my life. And I woke up on the floor of a bathhouse wearing only shoes and socks, and not my shoes and socks since I'd traded those with Lug in exchange for Bob, the horse. I woke up wearing somebody else's shoes and socks. It was really weird.

  My hands were dangling in the warm and somewhat frothy water of a nearby bathtub. My head was lying on a neat, tiled floor that had images on it depicting various beings involved in various sexual encounters. I suddenly understood that the portal in Intercourse, Pennsylvania, was not there by mistake, then I threw up into the tub.

  "Okay, that is gross!" somebody said.

  "Sorry," I mumbled, as I struggled to my feet. A Tuatha Dé man stood beside a garbage can on wheels and carried a broom and dust pan. He had a bottle of Windex in a holster on his belt. The feather duster tucked into his back pocket made him look like a pretty lame peacock.

  "It's okay, bro," he said. "Happens at least three times a day." He shrugged and gave me a reassuring smile. "Not that that makes it any less gross."

  "How long have I been here?" I rubbed my aching head, not caring in the slightest now that I was wearing shoes and socks that were not my own and that the rest of me was stark naked. I shook my head to try and clear it but that didn't help any. I cleared my throat, excused myself and puked into his trashcan. "Hope that helps," I said afterwards.

  "Better than in the pool," he said. He pointed at me with the yellow straw end of his broom. "You outta take it easy on the beer, man."

  "Where the hell am I?"

  "Bathhouse," he said.

  I knew that, but didn't say as much. "Am I still in Tara?" I said instead.

  He nodded.

  "Good." I had no idea what I would have done had he said I was somewhere else other than Tara. "Do you know where my clothes are?"

  He pointed. Sunk into another, much cleaner pool was my clothing. I fished everything out with the use of the handle of a mop I borrowed from the janitor dude and wrung out the excess water. It took me a good five minutes to put on my wet jeans. Only after I had them on did I realize once again that I was wearing shoes and socks, but not my shoes and socks, since I'd left those with Lug ages ago. I took off said shoes and socks and set them aside.

  "Any idea who those belong to?" I pointed at the shoes and socks so the man who seemed to be a janitor would know what I was talking about.

  "No clue, buddy."

  "Okay." I looked around. There was nobody there but myself and the janitor, nobody to claim the strange shoes and socks. "Where is everyone?"

  "Outside," he said. "Celebrating the death of Amergin."

  "Really?" I said. I stabbed my thumb at my chest. "You know, I helped kill that dude."

  "Sure you did," he said. He pushed a button on the wall and the tainted water began to drain out of the tub.

  I shrugged, not caring that he didn't believe me, and left the bathhouse. Carrying my soaking wet shirt and once again sockless and shoeless, I wound my way through tiled corridors until I found a door that seemed like the right one to go out of. I opened it and stepped into the street.

  It was sunny and beautiful outside but I felt like such shit that I hated the sunniness and beautifulness of it all.

  There was a big party going on in the square, the typical Tara orgy type party, with fucking and more fucking to be seen everywhere I looked. I walked around, taking the occasional glass of free beer that Fiacha's emerald was apparently still paying for, and downing them when I felt capable. A few drinks came back up in a couple of Tara's back alleys but I didn't much care.

  I found Cu and Fiacha on the roof of a building that had a sign identifying it as "Little Miss Muffin's Bakery." Little Miss Muffin, or an older Tuatha Dé who I assumed was Little Miss Muffin, handed me a muffin that I munched on while trying to get Cu's attention. Finally, for lack of any better ideas, I threw what I hadn't eaten of said muffin. It hit Cu on the head. I triumphantly threw my hands in the air with a "Whoop!"

  Cu paused in his thrusting and looked up, obviously not thrilled at my triumph. "What do you want?"

  "Can we go now?" I said.

  "You look like hell, Fractious," he said, and returned to his sexual rhythm.

  "Feel like it too," I said. "I woke up in a bathhouse."

  "This town doesn't have a bathhouse," he said.

  "It did today." I pointed back in the direction I'd come from.

  Cu shrugged, shuddered, and then pulled back from Fiacha. She squeezed then slapped his buttocks before she moved out of my sight. Cu watched her go before he sat on the edge of the roof, his stuff dangling between his legs. He didn't seem to mind in the least that he was naked.

  Tara does that to you. Crista had been the same way in Tara.

  I sighed. "Seriously, can we go now?"

  Cu took one long look at me, his face serious. "Yeah, Guy, we can go now." He rose and disappeared for a minute. He reappeared fully clothed and climbed down a ladder leaning against the house. A moment later, Fiacha, also fully clothed, followed him.

  Fiacha stepped to my side as we walked back to the inn to collect Bob and the rest of our things. "Are you okay, Guy?" Her voice was full of concern.

  I smiled down at her. "As okay as one can expect. I did have a lot to drink last night. Or was it the night before?"

  She only raised an eyebrow at me and turned away.

  I couldn't say, at that point, what had gotten me down. I was hung over beyond belief. I was missing Crista. I was missing my world. I had no idea what I'd done the night before or how I'd ended up in a bathhouse wearing shoes and socks that were obviously not mine. But there was something plaguing me, something I couldn't identify, not until much later anyway.

  We found Bob out behind the stable, a line of mares positioned before him. He'd obviously gotten to the water and so had the dozen or so females who were waiting for a shot at him. Since getting cleaned up at Amergin's place, Bob did look quite handsome, and all the ladies agreed with that. We let him finish up the line, but we had to shoo away two or three late comers, explaining the situation as best we could. We had to get back to Murias and back to the king. The mares protested but in the end they understood.

  When Bob was done with everyone, we left Tara with only the briefest of glances back at the orgy-filled town. And I knew that Cu and Fiacha had bought a gallon of water from Nemain that they were bringing with them.

  Next stop; Balor the dragon.

  And Fractious the mule.

&nbs
p; It was a long trip. Cu and Fiacha walked beside Bob while I lay over Bob's neck, my arms dangling down at his sides and my head resting against his black mane. I couldn't do much else. It was much better doing this on Bob's back rather than draped across the back of my old pony. At least my hands didn't drag on the ground. And while I looked forward to seeing my old buddy, Balor and my even older buddy, although not in years, Fractious the mule, my heart just wasn't in it.

  "Maybe he just misses home," I heard Fiacha saying. She and Cu were walking ahead of Bob. Cu was holding the reins, even though we all knew Bob would follow us to the ends of the worlds, whether he was being led or not.

  "Maybe," Cu said. "Or maybe it's the girl."

  "Maybe both," Fiacha suggested. "He just looks so down. Makes me sad."

  I heard the sound of Cu kissing her. "He'll be okay," Cu said. "I'll have him back in his home world in no time. Then he can get back to his real life. I'm sure Crista will be there, too."

  "Are you really going to find him a house in Beverly Hills?"

  "Yep," Cu said. "That was the deal. He upheld his end, and I'm sure Mac Gréine will hold up his."

  Fiacha laughed lightly. "Even if he doesn't, I took more than just one emerald."

  "You did?"

  "Yes, I did," she said. "Lots more." I heard the sound of her kissing him. "But what do we do with him in the meantime?"

  "Maybe Balor will cheer him up."

  Balor did cheer me up, but only just a little.

  We came across the dragon and his soccer field the very next day, after spending yet another safe night in woods and not getting eaten, or even eaten slowly by what Lug had called the Slow Eaters. Balor was overly excited to see us returning safely, and so was Fractious the mule. Fractious the mule galloped over to me and bowled me over, ass over neck meats. I laughed, feeling better than I had in days. I had hoof marks on my chest and mule drool on my face, but I was glad for it.

  Balor turned on the Michael Jackson music, roasted a couple of pigs on multiple spits over roaring fires, and brought out marshmallows and chocolate and the Tuatha Dé equivalent of graham crackers so we could make s'mores.

  We introduced Bob and Fractious the mule. They had a lot to talk about and began swapping stories instantly. I drowned out their braying and neighing after a while and bobbed my head to various tunes.

  "You know," Balor said, as he sat before one of the fires, roasting a marshmallow on one of his long claws, "I finally taught that mule how to play Tic-Tac-Toe."

  "You did?" I said, surprised.

  "Yeah," Balor said. He winked his pus-filled eye at me, the very reason for his name although I still wasn't quite sure on the tale behind the other Balor who had a poisonous eye. "Once he got the hang, he was all over it!"

  Fractious the mule gave a quick bray in my direction.

  "Good job, old buddy." I gave him a thumbs up.

  Fractious the mule lifted a hoof in reply and went back to his conversation with Bob.

  I took a bite out of a gooey s'more and let the chocolate get all over my fingers so I could lick it off with relish. Then I stuck another marshmallow on my stick and held it over the fire until it caught fire. I brought it to my mouth to blow out the fire. Then I stuck the entire hot and sticky marshmallow in my mouth. It was sweet and delicious and was one of the best things I'd ever tasted. There was no way it was a normal marshmallow.

  "So what do you do to these marshmallows, Balor?" I said as I greedily grabbed another one.

  "I soak them in chocolate liqueur." The dragon puffed at a flaming marshmallow.

  "Really?" I said.

  "Hell yeah, boy! Soak 'em, let 'em sit, then roast 'em."

  "How do they not go right up in flames?" I blew out the fire that had attached itself to my current marshmallow.

  Balor only lifted a scaly eye brow ridge at me and grinned, showing all his pointy teeth. He devoured an entire s'more in one gulp, and then loaded up another marshmallow on his claw. "So where ya'll headed next? Back to Murias?"

  Cu nodded.

  "Then back to my own world," I said.

  Balor blew a warm breath in my general direction. "You mean to go back afta havin' so much fun in our world?"

  "Yeah," I said, startled somewhat. "What else would I do?"

  Balor exchanged a look with Cu that I couldn't read. Then he popped a flaming marshmallow into his mouth and chewed it thoughtfully. "Just askin'."

  I looked into his eyes, both his pussy one and his regular one, but couldn't figure out what he was trying to convey. So we all just sat and roasted marshmallows for the rest of the night, swapping stories about what had occurred in our lives since we first parted.

  It was fun. It was entertaining. Balor even laughed his dragon ass off when I told him my full name again--at his request, of course. I even laughed when he rolled on the ground. But still, something was missing. Maybe not missing...

  Maybe it had just never been there at all.

  * * *

  chapter 15

  We stayed the night in Balor's cavern. Fractious the mule curled up next to me and slept like a snoring, albeit extra large, baby. I didn't get much sleep though.

  I couldn't. I tried really, really hard. I shut my eyes. I counted wooly sheep. I counted wolverines. I counted Fractious the mule's snores. I pretended I was someone else who was fast asleep. Nothing worked.

  So I got up and went outside onto the soccer field.

  Balor was lying on his back in the middle of the field, his two arms tucked behind his head and his wings neatly tucked behind his back. He was blowing smoke rings into the sky, watching them dissipate into the air. He looked so peaceful that I almost didn't want to disturb him.

  But I did. "Hey, Balor," I said as I walked up to him, my hands in my pockets. I'd been careful to remember to get dressed before going outside this time. Balor had had one look at my junk; he didn't need a second.

  "Hey, Fractious!" the dragon said, angling his head to get a better look at me. "You ain't naked this time!"

  I glanced down at my pants. "Yeah, I figured there was no need for nudity right now."

  Balor winked his non-pussy eye. "Good thinkin', bro. Whatcha doing up?"

  I sat down by his head, which was the size of my entire body. I leaned back on my hands and looked up at the stars that filled the night sky. "I couldn't sleep," I said. "The mule snores. I thought maybe I'd sleep better out here." I was lying through my somewhat crooked teeth but I knew Balor wouldn't notice. He was a dragon, after all. There would be no sleep for me that night.

  "Yeah," Balor said, "He does snore somethin' fierce."

  I sighed and closed my eyes for a bit, but I didn't fall asleep.

  Balor didn't seem bothered by the silence between us. I didn't mind either. It was comfortable. After a while, I opened my eyes and looked back up into the beautiful skies. There were more stars in this realm than I'd ever seen in mine. I liked it. I liked it a lot.

  "I know whatcho thinkin'," Balor said quietly.

  "Really?" I said. "What?"

  "You thinkin' about dat girl." He turned his good eye toward me.

  I shook my head. "Not at all. I was thinking about all the stars."

  "Stars?" the dragon said. "What da hell is that?"

  I pointed at the tiny pinpricks in the velvet night sky. "Those."

  Balor gave a grumbly laugh. "Them ain't stars."

  "If they aren't stars then what are they?" I was watching him gaze thoughtfully at the sky.

  "Those are the souls of our ancestors." He pointed a clawed hand upwards. "Don't know what they are in your realm, but here, when you die, your soul flies up into the sky and becomes a light. Just like all them other little lights."

  "Really? You aren't pulling my leg?"

  Balor stared at his hands. "My hands right here. 'Course I ain't pulling your leg. I ain't pullin' your nothing!" He gave a chuckle.

  "So if they aren't stars, what do you call them?"

  "Anam Oiche." He paused
, breathing a dragon sigh. "It means 'Soul of the night'. Basically. In, like, old Irish or something. Maybe Gaelic. Anam Oiche."

  "Ah," I said. "Good word choice."

  The dragon gave a one shouldered shrug.

  I smiled. "Anam Oiche. There's a lot of 'em up there."

  "Lotsa folks die," Balor said.

  "So how do you know which ones are your ancestors?"

  Balor blew a ring of smoke, and quickly blew a second that passed right through the first. "Ya don't. That's the beauty of it. You look up dere, you ask for guidance or whatev, but you neva know who ya askin' it from. Might be you lookin' right at your grandpap or you might be lookin' at the Balor of the past, the one with the poison eye. You know?"

  I wasn't sure if I did know. But I said, "I get it."

  Balor gave me a half smile, lifting one corner of his scaled, dragon jaw. He winked his eye once more, and then turned his attention back to the skies. Back to his ancestors.

  "What do you ask them for?" I said after a while.

  "Strength," Balor said. "And compassion."

  "Compassion?" I was surprised.

  Balor grinned, this time showing his row of pointed dragon teeth. "Everybody got to ask for something. I haven't always been a good guy, you know?"

  "Well, I like you," I said firmly. "You're a good friend."

  "Me?" the dragon exclaimed, a scaled hand on his chest. "Me? You callin' me a friend?"

  "Yeah," I said. "Why not?"

  "I ain't never been anybody's friend ever in my life," Balor said.

  "Well," I said. "You're mine. Is that okay?"

  Balor was quiet for a few minutes before saying, "Yeah. Yeah, I like that. You mine, too. Fractious. I guess. You and that mule."

  I smiled at him, but he wasn't looking. I liked having a friend, even if that friend was a smoke-ring blowing dragon who had a pussy eye. And I liked him. I liked Balor.

  * * * *

  Fractious the mule decided to stay on with the dragon. I didn't blame him; Balor was a lot of fun to hang around with, especially if you liked Tic-Tac-Toe and Michael Jackson. Fractious the mule liked both and even liked Balor, too.

  We said our goodbyes. The mule gave me a big wet kiss with his pink tongue, and the dragon, although he said he was tempted to do likewise, simply knocked knuckles with me. He gave Cu the same goodbye and winked knowingly at Fiacha.