by Ivy Jordan
“I’m ninety-three,” he said as if he read my mind.
“Can I ask why you came to the ranch?” I inquired, curious about his motives.
“My family’s gone, lost my only grandchild a few years back to cancer. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I sold my house, couldn’t stand being there alone, living on the same street where everyone I once knew was gone. Here, there are new faces all the time. I like that,” he smiled.
I couldn’t help but smile back at the man. He was warm, his personality genuine and inviting, and his physical appearance, although wrinkled and aged, strong and straight, not what I’d expect from someone his age.
“I’m glad you’re here. There’s a new face in the barn today: Candace,” I told him.
He lit up, his bright blue eyes nearly sparkling.
“I’ve noticed her in there with the kittens,” he smiled.
I nodded. “She starts today, tending to the animals in the barn, not just the kittens. If you need any help with the horses, I’m sure she’d love to help.”
“I’ll certainly need help from time to time,” he grinned.
I handed him my card, complete with the phone number assigned to my work cell phone issued by Theo.
“I better get back in there. It’s probably time for cookies,” he snorted, waved his hand in the air like he was swatting at something, and turned to walk away.
I spent the rest of the afternoon talking to the people at the ranch. Some were distant, others friendly, and a few overly friendly. I was exhausted by the time I got back to my office—and starved.
The brown bag Candace had packed me contained a ham sandwich, a bag of chips, and an apple. I smiled as I set the items on my desk, staring at them as if they were gourmet delicacies. I’d never had anyone pack my lunch before. It was nice.
I finished my lunch and was ready to head towards the barn to check on Candace when my personal phone rang. I quickly answered, hoping it was her, asking for help, needing me for something, but it wasn’t.
“Hey stranger,” Xander’s voice boasted.
“I was just thinking about you,” I admitted.
“You can daydream all you want, but you’ll never be as good lookin’ as me,” Xander joked.
“Good looking? I figured you grew all that hair and fur to hide how ugly you really were,” I teased.
We teased one another back and forth for a few minutes, and then the conversation grew silent.
“How’s Candace?” Xander asked.
“She started work today, caring for the animals in the barn,” I explained.
“Good. She needs to feel needed,” Xander replied.
“Yeah,” I sighed.
“What’s that?” he questioned.
“What?” I asked.
“That sigh of self-pity,” Xander chuckled.
“Oh, it’s just the counselors here seem to think she’d be better off in her own place,” I growled.
“I agree.” This surprised me.
“She has serious panic attacks and can barely breathe. I’m not sure she needs to be left alone. She’ll be scared to death,” I argued.
“She’s going to be scared, no matter where she is, at least for a while. It’ll do her good after a panic attack to know she made it on her own,” Xander explained.
I wasn’t sure I liked where this conversation was going, but a part of me knew he was right.
“I guess, if I’m telling the entire truth, I’m afraid she won’t need me anymore,” I admitted.
Xander chuckled. “Maybe not. But, do you want a woman that needs you or wants you?”
I laughed. Okay, so he was right. Everything was clearer, and suddenly the fear, the anger, and the hurt dissipated. I wanted Candace to no longer need me.
“Be patient with her. She’s going to make a lot of mistakes along the way, but that’s something she must do in order to find her own path. You may not agree with all of her decisions, but remember, they were hers to make,” Xander added.
“Thanks. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that,” I sighed.
“I may have had an inkling,” Xander laughed.
“Aiden or Liam?” I rolled my eyes as I spoke, even though just on the phone.
“Aiden,” Xander chuckled.
Chapter 20
Candace
I sipped my coffee while staring across the table at Luke. I’d been rattling on about the animals all morning, and he wasn’t offering much response.
I noticed he was quieter than usual. Mornings were not his favorite time of the day, but he normally would work on creating conversation, or at least smile.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
His eyes lifted from the coffee in his hand to mine. A faint smile worked on his face, obviously forced.
“I’m good,” he said softly, but without conviction.
“Have I upset you?” I asked.
My nerves were beginning to tremble under my skin, and my heart started to race. I hated the feeling of disappointing Luke in some way.
His eyes softened, and his smile showed more natural on his face.
“You haven’t upset me. It’s probably just the situation,” he promised.
“What do you mean?” I inquired carefully, still aching inside with anxiety.
Luke hesitated, his actions strange and awkward.
“It’s j-just, well, Lyla said, and even Theo agreed that you’d probably be better to be on your own. You’re sleeping on my couch, and that’s no way for you to start your life,” he stammered.
“Do you not want me on your couch?” I asked, feeling my gut wrench as I spoke.
“I do. Candace, taking care of you makes me feel good. I want you here, so I don’t have to worry about you, but not if it’s hurting you, somehow hindering you from working or getting on with your life,” he added.
The sadness in his eyes was obvious, and his words, so soft, so struggled, it was clear he didn’t want me to leave. I didn’t want to leave either.
“Our life is so complicated,” I chuckled, hoping to break the tension.
Luke’s eyes widened, his smile creeped wide across his face, and for a moment, I thought he’d leap right out of his chair. What had I said?
“What?” I questioned, chuckling nervously.
“You said our life. Is that we have?” Luke grinned wildly.
It was a slip. I hadn’t meant to say our life. The way he looked at me, his eyes sparkling with hope, his smile genuinely happy for the first time since I’d been here. I couldn’t tell him that wasn’t what I meant, that I didn’t know what I wanted, not yet, maybe not for a long time to come.
I smirked in his direction, avoiding any comment that could hurt him, and turned to stare out the window towards the barn.
I was doing well in the barn, with the animals. I enjoyed working, but more than that, I enjoyed the feeling of independence it gave me. Lyla visited the barn a lot, and I knew it was more of a counseling session than a check up on my progress at work. I didn’t mind. She was patient, never pushing too hard, and her advice always made sense.
Even with the job, the newly found freedom, and Damien locked behind bars, I was still a broken woman. Used goods. The baggage that I carried, that I would probably carry for the rest of my life, was more than anyone should have to handle, especially Luke.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged as Luke stared, still eagerly awaiting an answer.
I knew it wasn’t the one he wanted to hear, but it was the best one I could give him.
“Oh,” he grumbled, the excitement erased from his face like chalk on a teacher’s blackboard.
“I plan to get a job, something outside of the ranch eventually,” I explained.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Luke questioned.
“Not right away. I want to stay on the ranch to heal, get through this with Damien, and figure out my next step,” I explained.
“You know I’m here to help you any way I can,” Luke in
sisted.
“I know,” I sighed, turning to stare back out the window.
“I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay here with me, but I do enjoy having you here,” Luke smiled warmly.
“I’ll stay with Lyla, so I’ll still be here at the ranch, so you don’t have to worry about me,” I turned to meet his eyes with mine.
There was something still lingering between us, the tingle that shot through my veins proved that each time we looked at one another.
“I didn’t mean that. Don’t stay because of me,” he insisted.
“Then you want me to go?” I asked.
My mind was spinning out of control as Luke’s lips tightened into a thin line. His eyes glared into mine, a look of frustration, anger even. I didn’t care for it.
“I don’t want you to do anything. You should do what you want to do,” he growled, his tone no longer sweet and gentle.
My first reaction was to run, to hide, or to cry about how he’d spoken to me. I was frustrated too, much more so than him, I imagined.
“I didn’t say I wanted to go,” I argued, feeling a strange burning in my chest.
The warm sensation flowed through my veins heating my blood.
I couldn’t remember the last time I felt anger. Hurt, fear, hate, yes, but not anger.
“You didn’t say you wanted to stay either,” Luke spat.
My hands clenched into fists, and the blood in my veins began to boil. I stood from the table, my eyes pushing hard into Luke’s as my fist slammed down on the table. Coffee cups rattled, the salt shaker fell over from the sudden quake, and Luke looked as stunned as I.
“I said I wanted to stay. I just think it’s best that I stay with Lyla,” I demanded.
“Fine. Do whatever you want,” Luke stammered.
I could tell he wasn’t satisfied. But for some strange reason, I was. This was the first time I’d stood up to someone without fear, without tears. I wasn’t hurt. I was okay.
Even though Luke looked at me with a grumpy face, I looked at him differently now. He was kind, generous, and extremely handsome. The goatee that dangled from his chin gave his squared chin even more masculinity, and his shoulder-length hair peeking out from his cowboy hat softened his rough and rugged appearance. I wondered what it was like, his life. And then, out of nowhere, I began wondering what it would be like to truly be a part of his life.
Chapter 21
Luke
I’d watched Candace pack her things, even helped as much as I could stand. Lyla loaded the bags from the house to her car, happily taking her away from me.
Two days had passed, and each morning seemed to be worse. Waking up without Candace there was harder than I’d imagined, and sleeping without the hope she’d sneak back into my room was even harder.
My fingers dug into the scars on my neck, trying desperately to stop the itch. There were days I’d forget about them, but not today. Today, I remembered everything, reliving it with quick flashes through my mind.
I sipped on my coffee, trying to push other thoughts into my mind. I didn’t want to admit that Lyla could be right, that Candace could be a distraction from my own therapy.
The morning would be busy with work and a quick therapy session where I’d stand in and observe before lunch would hopefully get my head on straight. Lunch would be my highlight, my time with Candace, hopefully alone this time. Lyla had been moving in on our picnics outside the barn, and although I understood her concern for us both, it was a nuisance I’d rather avoid today.
I stared out the window towards the barn as I finished the last of my coffee. I wondered if Candace was already inside, feeding the animals and playing with the kittens.
A sigh rolled from my throat as my hand moved away from my neck, releasing my fingers from their deep imprint into my thickened skin. I knew stress was causing the irritation to the old burn wound and bringing back painful memories. As my thoughts drifted to Candace that night in my bed, the itching stopped.
The smell of strawberries in her hair, the silkiness of her skin, and the taste of her sweet lips all brought a new tingling sensation to my flesh, nowhere near my scars.
Theo: Come by my office this morning.
The text from Theo pulled me from the daydream I enjoyed.
Me: See ya in a few.
I responded without asking his purpose.
Sun beat down on my face as I walked outside, and a rainbow rose from behind the barn, shooting high into the sky. I couldn’t help but smile at the thought Candace brought that colorful miracle to this ranch, to my life.
I drove to Theo’s office and waited in his lobby while he was with someone. When the door opened, he waved me inside.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“I just wanted to check on you,” Theo said, his voice filled with concern.
“I’m good,” I replied quickly.
“So, things have been okay since Candace left?” he asked.
“Sure. She’s not far, just up the road with Lyla, and I see her every day for lunch,” I assured him.
Theo leaned back in his chair as I stood in front of his desk. I watched him carefully, his eyes squinting, his lips tightening, and a strange twitch erupting by his left eye.
“I’m worried you’re too emotionally attached to this situation,” Theo stated firmly.
“This situation?” I gasped.
This situation had a name. It was Candace, and it wasn’t a situation at all. She was an old friend, a lover, someone I cared deeply for. Of course I was emotionally attached.
“I’m not trying to step on your toes. I want Candace to get the help she needs, but you’re here because you need help of your own and have the ability to help many others,” Theo said.
I sat in the chair across from him. My body fell limp as I realized his concerns. It wasn’t just about me, about Candace, it was about the ranch, the reason I’d come there in the first place.
“I know I’ve been preoccupied. This was unexpected, and I’m not sure anyone else would’ve handled it any other way,” I explained.
Theo nodded, his facial expression loosening up as a smile started on his lips. “I think you’ve handled things great, and the fact you’re so caring is why you’re here,” he smiled.
“I appreciate that,” I replied.
“My only concern is that Candace may not be here for long. After sentencing for Damien, she may take off. We don’t know what kind of life she’s lived or what kind she’s capable of living. In my experience, I fear she’ll disappear, and you’ll chase after her,” he explained.
I thought about his words. I didn’t like any of them. Why would he say Candace would leave? She was happy here on the ranch with the animals.
“In your experience?” I questioned defensively.
“I’m just saying, domestic abuse victims, sexual abuse victims, they often go back to that life, often times to the same person they escaped from,” Theo continued.
“No,” I insisted, standing and slamming my clenched fist on his desk.
“Damien’s headed to jail, and she would never go back. She fought too hard to get away,” I demanded.
“It’s doubtful he’ll be there long, and if she drops charges, he may not go at all. I just want you to be prepared for the worst,” Theo leaned in as he spoke.
His hands wrapped around each other, fingers intertwined and stiff on his desk.
“She won’t drop the charges,” I spat.
“I hope you’re right. I just need you to promise me that your loyalties are with the ranch, and the people here that need you,” Theo pushed.
I nodded, unable to speak without yelling. I was fuming, my blood boiling, and I wanted to flip over his desk. He may have experienced other victims, but not Candace. She was strong and smart, and she wouldn’t leave here to go back to that life.
“I’ve got to get to work,” I sighed, turning to leave Theo’s office without a goodbye.
I thought about his warnings all mo
rning. If Candace did leave, go back to Damien when he was released from jail, or worse, dropped charges to be with him sooner, would I go after her?
I wasn’t sure about much, but I was sure that I’d go after him, finish the job she started, and get him out of her life for good. She deserved better. Even if she didn’t believe that, I believed it.
I worked on an older cabin with a crew Theo had assigned to me. They were younger boys, still in their early twenties, and not home from their service long. It was easy to see the stress they brought home with them, making me suddenly feel foolish for being angered by Theo’s concerns.
“What happened to your neck?” one of the boys, Thomas, asked.
I lifted my end of the heavy board and walked back into the cabin as he anxiously awaited my response.
I could see similar burns on his arms and red blotches peeking out from under his t-shirt around his neck.
“IED,” I replied simply.
“Me too,” his eyes locked onto mine as if looking for a connection.
I sat the board down, took a seat on an old paint bucket, and asked him to tell me his story.
He was reluctant at first, but finally explained he’d patrolled an area for days, the same path, and had just told one of his platoon buddies that he was pissed about being sent out on stupid patrol out in the middle of nowhere. He wanted to see action, to be a part of it, not take a five-mile walk in a circle each day.
“I distracted him. He turned, laughed, and started to say something when it happened,” he choked.
I reached out, patting his back slowly as he finished telling me the buddy had stepped on an IED, the blast that killed him left him with the reminder that he caused his death.
“No. You’re not to blame,” I tried reassuring him, but I knew no amount of that would help. He would carry this guilt to his grave, just as I would mine.
“If I hadn’t distracted him, he would’ve noticed the wire,” he said softly, drifting into a place of seclusion within his own mind.
I knew the place well. It was a place I’d spent many years.