Superficial

by Andy Cohen

  WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2015

  I want to insert emojis now after every sentence—for instance, a bleary-eyed one here, as I barely slept. Frances passed on the pitch and said they’d had a “really good debate” about the show, which is a nice way of saying no. She said it’s a little darker than they want to go. The good news is it looks like we sold Match Game to NBC stations for 2016. 2016?! Jesus. Will the world still be here? Will we have water?

  Daryn’s ex-girlfriend is in New York City packing her bags with the hateful mother who threatened Daryn’s life if she contacted her (formerly) lesbian daughter. The girlfriend has totally shut Daryn out—blocked all her social media and her phone and wants no communication with anyone here. So the mother is brainwashing her, and apparently she brought her gun to New York City. I wanted to find that mother and confront her but the gun was a deterrent. The Top Chef Dave and I did aired tonight. We watched together in my office, then Dave bartended on the show, which was Nicolle Wallace and Patrick Wilson. It was a This Is Your Life show for Patrick—his wife, his college roommate, and two separate girls he went to high school with called in. Finally, an episode that my mom liked.

  THURSDAY, JANUARY 8, 2015

  I was supposed to work out with the Ninj today for the first time since the book came out—exactly two months ago—and I cancelled. It was cold and I woke up in an Ambien haze. Instead I decided to get a daytime massage, and on the table I realized that I make a shitload of money and I should just spend stupid money on a temporary apartment. I emailed Fredrik from the table and told him I want to see the super-expensive loft in Chelsea. Raced to meet Amanda at the Polo Bar, where it was Friends and Family Night, and in the Uber on the way up John Hill asked if horse was on the menu—very humorous. The restaurant is like a country club, which are basically clubs that give alcoholics another reason to drink, making my sober January all the worse. Okay, it’s not a totally sober January—I was stoned off a vape pen. The place was overstaffed, and for good reason: There was a famous person at every table, so they clearly didn’t want to fuck anything up. But as a result eighteen people told us to be sure to try Ralph’s favorite menu item, the corned beef sandwich. We had a quick hello with Martha Stewart. Sat down and Ricky Lauren said hello and be sure to try the corned beef sandwich; it’s amazing. Then Bette-Ann Gwathmey said, have you heard about the corned beef sandwich? Ali Wentworth came by to say hi; then I realized Brian Williams was at the table right behind us and said hi. It was too intense a social situation to be dealing with stoned, I’ll tell you that. Mr. Lauren came by and was very sweet, says he sees me on TV, which is what he always says and totally kills me. Two managers came over and each gave me their card and told me to try the corned beef sandwich. I said that I had been inundated with talk of the corned beef sandwich, and could they please just bring me a bite with our order (chicken paillards and dover sole). They brought an entire sandwich, though, and we looked like pigs. I took two bites and guess what: It was good! I had them take it away because it was also draped in butter and not exactly dietetic. My chicken paillard was cold, and since it was Friends and Family Night and they were testing the restaurant out I politely told the waiter, which unleashed a flood of new managers with business cards coming over to say they were very upset to hear about my chicken. I mollified them by telling them that I loved the corned beef sandwich! Charlie Rose came by and we chatted. I said I was so impressed that he was still out at 9:30 p.m., Stephanopoulos had headed off to bed an hour ago. On the way out, one of the managers told me that Ralph had personally tried each item on the menu “more than twice” to determine whether it should go on the menu, and I said that I would hope that was the case because it was his restaurant. Can’t wait to go back.

  FRIDAY, JANUARY 9, 2015

  Woke up to a stack of business cards from that Polo restaurant. Which one do we actually call for a reservation, I wondered. I threw them all out. I basically crawled in the freezing cold to work out with the Ninj and it was a pathetic showing. I did thirty pull-ups and I don’t know what else. I talked a lot, that’s for sure. There was gym gossip to catch up on! Meanwhile, Willspace is a teeny private gym so the gossip is meager. Nonetheless, I milked it in order to defer working out, much like I deferred my Hebrew studies by leaving my tutor, Yitzi, little props (electronic football and comic books) to distract him. I hated Hebrew. I hate working out. I am old and creaky. Fredrik and I went to see the Chelsea loft that costs stupid money—it’s got crazy outdoor space and is lofty and really sexy. Fredrik kept saying you work hard, you should treat yourself, you deserve this. I said I’ve seen your show, honey, don’t do your lines on me. But I had come to the same realization mid-massage, so I’m gonna bring Hickey by tomorrow. And I told Fredrik to look for places on the Upper West Side with a terrace overlooking Central Park West. That should be simple to find. Had a late dinner with John Hill at Rossopomodoro and went home bored with myself from having no booze. Tried watching the premiere of Downton Abbey but it bored me even more. Mr. Molesley dyed his hair? This is part of the plot? Who wants to see Mr. Molesley dye his hair? Who?

  SATURDAY, JANUARY 10, 2015

  I hate not drinking. I woke up in a lather about it. I decided I was going to perhaps have a tequila on ice tonight at Mark and Kelly’s. Took Hickey to the apartment and he said it’s like a line of cocaine and that I have to do it. BTW, I don’t feel like I have to do a line of cocaine, but I understood his reference. The agent, who is very cute, let it drop that the gardener is not included in the rental cost and that’s another two grand a month. So that’s insane. I freaked. Hickey thought I was playing it for the agent but I was being honest. Well, I was being honest while knowing that it was an effective bargaining technique. He also said I was being rude and interrupt-y to the cute agent.

  Dale’s bar mitzvah was really nice. Leave it to Lauren Zalaznick to have found Dale a black Hebrew tutor. I love it. Michael Hirschorn reaffirmed that we’re moments away from TV dissolving; the whole business is changing and we are all going under. So that was terrifying to hear right before the haftorah. It made me rethink the big loft. Rabbis and drag queens have one thing in common—they both never met a microphone they didn’t love. This dude went on a beat too long, but Dale was phenomenal. I gave Monica Halpert’s fifteen-year-old son an Uber lift uptown and drilled him with sex, drugs, and lifestyle questions about the prep-school kids of Manhattan. He was very open, and I swore I would take his answers to the grave. Went to Mark and Kelly’s, where she had made homemade pizzas, which I devoured (pizza two nights in a row). What’s the point of not drinking if I am going to eat like a pig? (I didn’t drink, though.) Kelly pointed out that the risk of moving to such an amazing place is that I could wind up liking the outdoor space more than my new apartment. Good point. Outdoor space is my kryptonite.

  SUNDAY, JANUARY 11, 2015

  Lisa Rinna tweeted that it’s Kyle and Yolanda’s birthday today, so I sent a tweet. Then someone said, you forgot about Naomi Judd’s birthday; hers is today too. Then I took Wacha out for a walk and I saw a Naomi Judd look-alike on the street. I thought it was odd, and then I saw her again twenty minutes later. So I tried to wish the real Naomi a happy birthday on Twitter, but she doesn’t appear to have an account. She did give me her home number, her “private line,” all those months ago when she was trying to break up my family before the holidays, but I am not going there. I put in an offer on the rental, but I can’t stop thinking about what Kelly said last night. At the end of the day I found out I didn’t get the place: Someone offered to pay for the gardener and do a two-year lease. So that’s that, and I can refocus my energy on my real dream apartment, the one I own.

  I FaceTimed the really Waspy guy I met on Tinder when I was in Boston on the book tour but didn’t actually meet because I was busy trying to make my Penthouse Forum thing happen. It was like an hour-long blind date on FaceTime, which I quite enjoyed. You get to see the person’s apartment too. He seems really nice and looks a little Don Draper
-ish. He is only thirty-four but looks and seems like a man.

  MONDAY, JANUARY 12, 2015

  Someone tweeted me a picture of an article from The Onion lampooning incontinent old people that used a picture of my dad to illustrate an older man who shits himself. I was furious. Tweeted at The Onion and said WTF is up with you using some random picture of my dad in this article? Then someone tweeted at me and said the picture came from a Getty Images page featuring pictures of random people on the street, including both my mom and dad with the caption “Old people on the street.” I decided never to tell my parents that they are now stock photos of senior citizens.

  Lunch with Scott Greenstein at Morandi to talk Andy Radio. I pitched him all my programming ideas and he said the thing to do is to close the deal, announce it, and see who comes forward and wants to work with me, to be on air. Like Cher, he kept saying. What about giving Cher a show once a month?

  FaceTimed again with the Boston Wasp tonight. He loves Sherlock Holmes and wakes up at four-thirty in the morning to work out every day. I told him we have nothing in common. I am enjoying getting to know him. The early show was Kevin Hart and we had a bit of a debacle with Plead the Fifth. I asked him what he thought about all the Bill Cosby drama and he gave a perfectly politic answer. As we were going to commercial break Deirdre tells me in my ear that his publicist is freaking out and wants us to cut the question. So that drama was playing out in my ear for the entire show and, meanwhile, when it was over he said he loved the show and would be back. I apologized for the Cosby question and he said, “You can’t faze me with something like that, don’t worry.” How are we not going to ask the biggest black comedian going right now about Bill Cosby?

  I had emailed Lisa Kudrow weeks ago for the name of the genealogist they use on Who Do You Think You Are? because I wanted to hire that person to research my family as a gift to the family. TLC had long ago passed on me being on the show, but Lisa said let me go back at them and see if they’ll do it. So I got an email from her before my show saying, “You’re in!” I was really pumped. She said to call her and she will explain how it works. The live show was Wolf Blitzer and Scheana Marie. I think Wolf was nervous, but he did great. I didn’t have to take any pictures after the show, so they held the audience for a second and I ran out and was on my couch at eleven forty-five. It was blissful!

  TUESDAY, JANUARY 13, 2015

  Wacha is fat again. I guess I would rather have him fat than biting Anderson over a bone. Skyped with Mom about Who Do You Think You Are? She was initially kind of excited and then came to the conclusion, “WE ARE BORING! They won’t want us!” She was on fire. She is concerned about AC and I selling out our tour. “College kids CAN’T AFFORD a hundred dollars!” I told her I hoped three thousand people in Boston could afford this. “Be ready for EMPTY SEATS,” she said. Thanks for the pep talk, Mom!

  Conference call about Lip Sync Battle against Willie Geist, which I have been dreading and thinking about for weeks. My final song contenders are “I Found Someone,” “On the Radio,” “Rock Lobster,” “Working for the Weekend,” and “Country Grammar.” They really want me to do “Country Grammar,” but it may be too hard for me. I hung up and put on the Cher song and I know every single word, so that’s definitely in.

  The show was Bob Harper and Lisa Rinna. I had a big flirt going with Bob, and when I left the studio the entire control room was standing in a line looking like the cats that ate the canary, with eyebrows raised and an expression that said “Do you like him??? Are you going to go on a date???” We exchanged numbers and texted/flirted but he kind of shut it down around twelve-fifteen and said good night, which made me think he was with someone, which in turn made me like him. I can respect a player. I like that he is an equal—my same age, successful, got his own thing going.

  WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2015

  Spent the day fighting with headsets. I somehow lost mine and so I went to the Apple Store, where I bought a shitload of stuff I’m not sure I need, like a new laptop and a new iPad, but rejected their headsets as a matter of principle because they’re always tangled and sucky. I can’t even remember what soapbox I was standing on but I went off to the Verizon store and got those ones that don’t twist around and made a huge show of throwing the receipt out in front of the guy, who said are you sure you don’t want that receipt? I said of course not. I got on the phone with Liza an hour later and the headset absolutely doesn’t work. Went to Duane Reade and got a shitty pair of headsets and when I talked to Liza she said it sounded like someone was knocking on the door during the convo. Anderson was appalled that Mom said to be ready for empty seats. He said if his mom said that, he would never speak to her. I told him he doesn’t know the vocabulary of a Jewish mother. Gwyneth Paltrow was on the early show and was very cool and down to earth. Jessica Seinfeld came and brought friends into my office and Wacha freaked out and barked at her. He gets very territorial in that office. The live show was George Lopez, Angela Bassett, and the Whitney Houston drag queens.

  THURSDAY, JANUARY 15, 2015

  Allison and Ricky came over and we caught up on the last few months and I totally forgot to ask her about getting her ass eaten out on Girls. And I found my headset in the couch while they were here and threw out the two bum ones. So that drama is solved.

  During a Skype call with Mom and Dad, I broke and mentioned the article in The Onion and the Getty Images stock photos. Mom immediately remembered that they were bored on the street one day, killing time before meeting me at 30 Rock, and posed for pictures for a guy. I asked if they had signed a release and they both thought they did. Little did they know they would become “Portrait of a senior man on the street” and “Senior woman smiling.” I told them Getty was selling these pictures and earning a profit for it. They thought it was hilarious. “THEY CHARGE 300 DOLLARS FOR THIS PICTURE, LOU!” On another note, Mom is concerned that the Who Do You Think You Are? people are going to find alcoholics in the family, which was rich during my month of sobriety. I told her that’s not the kind of thing they look for, it’s more like Civil War heroes. “Well sorry to BURST YOUR BUBBLE but we don’t have ANY CIVIL WAR HEROES in the family!”

  Met Bob Harper for tea this afternoon and we had a really nice talk—it got deep. We discussed my relationship blockage. I can’t say there was crazy chemistry, but I loved talking to a peer. He’s going through similar stuff. He likes to be alone and travel alone.

  Worked on choreography for Lip Sync Battle with John Hill. He said to start really small with the Cher song, then build it out. I chose Loverboy’s “Working for the Weekend” for my big one, which he says will be fully dependent on the choreographer. I am rehearsing tomorrow. Watched the World Dog Awards while FaceTiming with the Boston Wasp. Wacha lost to some hero dog. He didn’t have a chance. I love him so much, but what has he really done???

  FRIDAY, JANUARY 16, 2015

  Got invited to be on Bill Maher! An open invitation. Ha! Forwarded it to Mom—her absolute worst fear in writing! She said, “THIS DOESN’T WORK!!” with a bunch of freaked-out emojis. Went to rehearsal for Lip Sync Battle. It’s gonna be great. I told the choreographer that I want my rendition of “Working for the Weekend” to be the most blatantly heterosexual performance ever. So girls are running over to me and I am grinding their faces and slapping their asses. The censor lady said I am not allowed to simulate slapping their faces, though. I texted Cher for advice on “I Found Someone” and what I got back was incredible:

  Be Sad IN BEGINNING OF VERSE. By the time you get to “BUT YOU WALKED AWAY” START THE “AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU … HOMIE DONT PLAY THIS SHIT!” By the time you get to I FOUND SOMEONE, YOUR ATTITUDE IS “YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE, YOU ARE DUMPED DUMPED DUMPED. DONT CRY! BEG! YOURE FKD! I WAITED & I’M OUTTA HERE! FYI, YOU MIGHT WANT TO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO MY ASS AS I WALK OUT THE DOOR, CAUSE IT’S THE LAST LOOK YOU’RE GONNA GET!” Throw your pretend hair back, lick your lips once in a while, and on “I FOUND SOMEONE” THROW YOUR HEAD BACK … AND STRUT BACK AND F
ORTH ACROSS THAT STAGE LIKE YOU OWN IT. LOVE, ME

  Stage directions from Cher? How can I lose?! Then we went back and forth and I said I just rehearsed and it’s gonna be great, that my temptation is to do her but I gotta do me for the song. And she said:

  “But ANDY … DOING ME … IS REALLY DOING THE SONG! IT’S EASY TO BE YOU, BUT NOT AS HILARIOUS. BE WHO EVER YOU WANT TO BE, BUT YOU’RE YOU 365 days a year. Step into my G-String for 3 MIN. ”

  When Cher is right, she’s right.

  SATURDAY, JANUARY 17, 2015

  Breakfast with Sean Avery at La Bonbonniere. I tried to get him to go to Hamilton’s because I’ve been dying to try it, but he said I’m always “trying to change the game.” I am? Trying to change the game? He came straight from several hours in the gym and ordered chocolate-chip pancakes and sausage. He puts pounds of butter on each pancake and chops the sausage into little bits and bathes the whole casserole in syrup. Brought Sean to my fitting for my Loverboy routine—red leather pants—at the Leather Man on Christopher Street. Sean asked the salesman if he thought he was gay and the guy—an old bald guy in leather—said well, I don’t know, I haven’t slept with you yet. Sean parked his Mercedes SUV and left keys inside with the car running. He said if it gets stolen, that’s what insurance is for, and he thinks leaving it running lessens the risk of it getting stolen. So I had a real wander inside the mind of Sean Avery today.