Superficial

by Andy Cohen

  Got home and met Amanda and Grac at the Paramount Hotel, and I walked in to discover that the big staircase is completely gone. I asked the doorwoman where it was and she said they got rid of it three and a half years ago. I said that’s funny because it’s kind of what the hotel was known for. Why would they get rid of the best thing about the hotel? She said she’s been wondering the same thing for three and a half years. Went to prettyugly at the Diamond Horseshoe and met Bill Curtin. Billy Eichner and Jake Shears joined us, and there were too many people in the VIP area that Erich Conrad had arranged for us and the security guy was freaking out, kicking people out and just going nuts, so I stood outside it for a good chunk of the night. I met a bunch of people I had met before and forgotten, thus offending them and further souring my reputation.

  MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2015

  Worked out with the Ninj. Met with the architects, fought with Wacha about taking a bath, and FaceTimed with the Wasp from Boston. I just found out that Naomi Campbell’s fashion show that I agreed to months ago is this Saturday, which is when he’s coming in from Boston. They just called to tell me the date. I’d totally forgotten about it. I don’t feel like I can drag him there. Melissa and Joe were on the show and we had a drink after. They really want RHONJ to come back, and I went through every scenario of what it would take to bring it back.

  TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2015

  Apartment hunting with Fredrik. Still nothing. I texted Naomi and said I just heard your Ebola fashion show is Saturday and I am so sorry, I can’t do it, but can’t wait to see you tomorrow at WWHL. Then three hours later Naomi cancelled for Wednesday with Lisa Vanderpump. So I texted back and said I hope you’re not cancelling because I can’t do your show. No response. We asked the publicist and she said, “No no no, she has business out of the country and that’s why she’s cancelling; it’s all good.” Hmmm—I’m not sure I believe it. I hosted the Red Dress Awards and got testy with a handler, and in front of a bunch of people raged at the lady from the Daily News in the press line because of all the lies they keep making up about me, and had a meeting with Caroline Manzo in my dressing room about her issues with production on her show, with which I have nothing to do.

  Catherine O’Hara and Eugene Levy turned my frown upside down on the show. They stayed and watched Christopher Guest’s final appearance on Letterman and Catherine got very misty. It was cool to be in the room for that.

  WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2015

  The Ninj made me puke today toward the end of the workout, then I got to work and Hugh Grant almost made me puke again before the show when he informed me that he was surly, monosyllabic, and cranky. We got him coffee. He asked on air how the FedEx man was; I had forgotten that he knew the story of my romance with the FedEx man in the Hamptons. We did a scene from Notting Hill. Met the Perskys for dinner at Polo Bar. This girl came over and said, I’m Tina Louise’s daughter and she loves you and is celebrating her birthday; please come say hello. There’s not enough paper for me to dissect everything about that sentence, but I did go over to the table later and Tina Louise seemed to have no clue who I was or why I was there—but the daughter wanted a selfie. David Lauren and Dan Abrams were there, as was Drew Barrymore. I left early for my show, but Bill Persky told me later he was in the elevator with Derek Jeter leaving the restaurant. Bill turned to him and said, “What more can I say that hasn’t been said?” Good line.

  THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2015

  Deirdre texted me a picture of Naomi at the amfAR event in NYC last night, so I guess they indeed were lying about her having to go out of the country. She must be pissed at me! I’m kind of excited for Naomi to bitch me out. I’m ready. Had lunch with Anderson to plan our tour. We wrote a funny intro video that explains both of our biographies and how different we are. Then we will interview each other and surprise each other with some funny videos from our past, and then open it up to the audience for questions. I want people to feel like they’re out at a bar with us, so we’re going to have a bottle of tequila onstage. Anderson doesn’t really drink but has no objections. Brandi’s agent called and we fought. He blames me for everything—the edit she is getting, her lawsuit against Joanna Krupa—basically he feels anything that comes out of her mouth is my fault because I provoked it. He talked a lot about her brand and how hard they worked to build it and I told him that with all due respect, part of the brand is based on her getting drunk and tweeting insane shit. She is concerned she’s going to get ganged up on at the reunion and thinks I am not impartial. I told him I would do what I have done at the last fifty reunions, which is make sure everyone gets their say. I told Sandy that I don’t believe Dolly’s husband, Carl Dean, exists. He said he absolutely does and that he and Dolly got stuck in traffic yesterday.

  Went to the Todd Snyder fashion show with Bill Owens. Poor Bill and the rest of the 60 Minutes team are in shock about Bob Simon, who said good night to them at six-thirty last night, got in a Skyline car, and was dead twenty minutes later. Skyline was a shitty car service when I used it while I worked at CBS all those years ago, and now Bob Simon is dead. Went to Café Fiorello with Bill and we talked about CBS being the last of the producers’ shops; the correspondents run the show at NBC and ABC.

  FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2015

  It is insanely cold out. Like 5 degrees. Had a prep call for this Derek Jeter thing I am hosting tomorrow. Bruce and I had lunch at Good and discussed the Wasp’s visit tomorrow. I am freaked about the amount of time we will have together. (Twenty-six hours straight will be the longest relationship I’ve had in a while!) Dinner with Lynn and Troy at Nobu, but Lynn mistakenly went to the midtown one and I wound up having to explain to Troy why FaceTiming with someone for over a month is more intimate than anything. I have seen this guy’s home, his clothes, his office, his car, and on and on. That’s more intimacy than I’ve had with men I’ve met walking out of a club. Lynn met me at my house, and this has been a week of me reuniting with my news friends and breaking down this Brian Williams thing. It’s all anyone can talk about.

  Sandy told me today that coincidentally he called Dolly and forgot it was ringing and ringing and finally Carl Dean picked up! He said it was the first time they’d spoken in thirty years. When I hung up I wondered if he was just making that up to put me off the scent of a conspiracy!

  SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2015

  Even though the Wasp and I agreed that Valentine’s Day was not going to be a factor in our time with each other, it was impossible to ignore. While I waited for him to come, I downloaded to Amanda about my plans. I told her there was this Derek Jeter event this afternoon that I had to go to and I didn’t know whether to bring him or not. She advised that I go to the Jeter thing alone, just to give each other some space. I agreed, and as we were hanging up the twenty-six-hour date began. The Wasp is shorter than I imagined (I’m not saying I’m tall, by the way). It was a little awkward, with so much anticipation and flirting, to be finally together. It was either going to be wild attraction from the get-go or something else, and for me it was in the “something else” category from the moment I opened the door. We hung for a few hours and I headed to the Jeter event launching his new website, The Players’ Tribune, where I moderated a conversation with a group of massive sports stars (including Russell Wilson, Jeter, Andrew McCutchen, Matt Harvey, and Blake Griffin) in front of a room of more massive sports stars and sports press. I had no teleprompter, but there was a lot of “business” stuff they wanted me to say and I felt alone in a sea of athletes. When it was done I ran out of there and found the Wasp back at my apartment reading a book with the dog snuggled up to him. It was idyllic seeming but without the actual emotion. I had tickets to Constellations for our non-Valentine’s date, then we went to Orso, where we saw Danny Meyer and family. I’d gotten an invite from Jane Buffett to Paul McCartney’s small surprise concert at Irving Plaza and we decided to go and boy am I glad we did. It was like the Oscars of Saturday Night Live. We stood on a balcony right on the side watching McCart
ney jam on all of his hits. In our area were Jimmy Buffett, Chris Rock, Billy Crystal, Jim Carrey (with bodyguard), Steve Martin, Tom Hanks and Rita, Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, Lorne Michaels, and Ron Delsener, who told me he is seventy-eight. McCartney was incredible and could’ve kept going and going. I always think he looks like an old lady when I see him in pictures but onstage he looks like Paul McCartney. I was standing talking to Rita Wilson and Eddie Murphy’s bodyguards pushed this woman next to us out of the way in order to get Eddie through. It was McCartney’s wife they were manhandling! Chris Rock told me he was introducing Murphy at the SNL fortieth anniversary special tomorrow night (that’s why everybody is in town) and that he’s gonna say he is the better version of me. Not sure that’s true, given what I saw with his douchey bodyguards. Meryl Streep and I had a nice chat toward the end, and I must’ve been in my cups because she wanted to know how I got where I am, and I was yammering on about being really good at making decisions. Then she was saying what a great businessman I am, and I said I think I am more creative than business-y. I kept saying how decisive I am, and how important that is. To Meryl Streep! Who am I?

  McCartney said, “’Til we meet again,” when he said good night, which was really sweet. We walked outside and it was snowing lightly. I think I blew the Wasp away with the perfect date night, and we had a nice time together but it was not love at first real-life sight. We came home and Wacha refused to leave his crate and was aggressively snarling and barking at me, which was infuriating and confusing. I was trying to get him to come out so I could walk him but he refused to budge. Was Wacha cock blocking me with the Wasp? But he’d spent the day with him! Every time I went in with the leash he went nuts on me, until finally I tried to just put it on him and he jumped up and his teeth grazed me on the top of my arm by my shoulder. It wasn’t a bite, but I was so upset it sobered me up. Slept in the same bed as the Wasp but it was not sexy.

  SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2015

  The date continued today with breakfast at the Village Den. It was all nice and pleasant—I think too long, but a good exercise. He left around noon. Had dinner before my NeNe show with Ricki, Liza, and Milo. Then during my show I realized that I am doing a version of The Ricki Lake Show. The party at the Plaza Hotel after the SNL 40 show was not to be believed: every movie star, comedian, NYC fixture, rich person, and musical superstar under one roof. I had great chats with Sia (big Bravo fan), Molly Shannon, Amy Poehler, Lorne Michaels, Paul Rudd, Caryn Zucker, Jerry and Jessica, and on and on. Onstage, Jimmy was leading a who’s who of incredible singers in the ultimate freestyle jam. McCartney was up there, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus … and then, as I’m walking to get drinks for Nancy Juvonen and me, I run into two members of my favorite party band in deep conversation. Barging in on the B-52s’ Kate Pierson and Fred Schneider (for whom I once go-go danced, in a #dreamofalifetime scenario), I said, “You have got to get up there!” Kate said she wanted to sing “Love Shack” but that Fred was too scared. I said, “You come with me right now; I am making this happen.” Suddenly I was delivering the Bs to their #dreamofalifetime. I grabbed Nancy in a panic. “These are the B-52s. We need to get them onstage to sing ‘Love Shack’ ASAP.” Nancy switched right into producer gear, said “Come with me,” and brought them to the front of the stage, where she pointed at them and mouthed “Love Shack” to Jimmy, who told them where to go and in two minutes they were doing their thing. Magic! An hour later the room came to a standstill when Prince arrived, thrilling even the most jaded among us. I almost took a picture but instead decided to just dance. As I walked (stumbled) out of the party sometime before four, Cheri Oteri walked (stumbled) over to me wearing one shoe and said her date, Lance Bass, was nowhere to be found and could I give her a ride home. I said of course I will, where are you staying, and she said Ninety-something and Central Park West, which was entirely the opposite of where I was going and had she not been booked on WWHL literally the next night I would’ve called her an Uber. As we got our coats I saw Andy Samberg looking at me and I wondered if he thought I was taking her home, like, taking her home.

  TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2015

  Almost barfed with Ninj; getting in shape seems more and more insurmountable. Did a ton of bookkeeping stuff, watched Atlanta and NYC, planned the show with Anderson, did a Fallon pre-interview, negotiated with Sirius, and tried to decide whether to come back to New York on Oscar Sunday. (After three days of partying out there, sometimes actual Oscar Night feels like a postscript. I can’t decide.) Saw an apartment online that had crazy outdoor space and I got in a fever pitch about it and then it was rented in a second. I am being so laissez-faire, and I have to move in, um, two weeks.

  SJP came over and we met Hickey and went to the Waverly Inn, where I saw the straight waiter who flirts with me for the first time in many months. I was trying to figure out if he read what I wrote in the Diaries, but he didn’t let on. What he is, no question, is a loiterer and a lingerer who is always placing silverware, pouring water, or replacing napkins or condiments. I am sure he heard half our convo, which was about casting SJ’s new show, Divorce; Brian Williams (still); Housewives; SNL; SJP’s birthday; her kids; my dating. We walked her home in a balmy 30 degrees, which given the temps the last few days is like 50. Then Hickey and I tried to think of a song to perform at her big fiftieth birthday party and thought maybe “We’ve Got Tonight,” and I could enter from behind like Dolly, which would be a great showbiz moment except the song has nothing to do with SJ and we can’t sing it. So that was a bad idea.

  WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2015

  It was one thing after another all day. Worked out with Ninja and had lunch with Anderson and a reporter from the Associated Press who is doing a feature on our tour. I am always worried about going one step too far with Anderson and saying or doing something that’s going to piss him off, but maybe I am just fine. The apartment I saw online yesterday, with the sick outdoor space, is not rented, and so I ran over to see it (three blocks from my place) and though it’s in a weird building, it was pretty killer. The terrace is like Margot Kidder’s in Superman—views north, east, south, and west, with enough room for Wacha and eighteen friends to run around. And two bedrooms inside. It is pre-war and has not the greatest bathrooms or kitchen but it’s all about the outdoor space. I called Hickey and asked him to get over there and he freaked out when he saw it; I told them I want to take it and they sent an application for Daryn to fill out. Did I mention it’s a third of the price of the “line of cocaine” one Fredrik showed me?! Got home and the phone never stopped ringing while I tried to shower, walk the dog, and pick out clothes for Fallon, which seemed impossible given that of the twenty-five white dress shirts I own it seems as though only one of them fits and it’s the same one I want to wear on the RHOBH reunion tomorrow. I had a BH reunion call to decide seating issues (Vanderpump will be displeased if she is on the end, Yolanda may leave after a few hours, most of them hate Brandi so there aren’t many options for seating her, and on and on). It is going to be intense—Kim and Kyle haven’t spoken in four months. Ran up to do the Tonight Show and on the way, Shed Media pitched me EPing a Bethenny spinoff. I’m game. Got to Fallon—Amanda met me because we were having dinner—and was briefed. My phone was ringing off the hook, with the real estate agent calling with more and more requirements for the application: financial statements, letters from the current building, a hundred bucks cash (whaaaa?). Daryn met me in the greenroom with a pile of papers to sign and thank God for her. Jimmy was so sweet to me on air, plugged the book three times, called me one of his best friends, and just is amazing. I thought I was only fair. I kind of tried to drive the bus and should’ve let him do it. That being said, the Housewives tag lines killed. Amanda and I went out to dinner, then back to my place. I didn’t watch myself on Jimmy and was asleep by eleven-thirty.

  THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2015—NYC—LOS ANGELES

  On my flight to Oscar weekend were John Shea and Ray Booth (who I married and who are heading to New Zealand o
n their honeymoon), Derek Blasberg, Stavros Niarchos III with a hot girl and a cute dog (but not cuter than him), and Sunny Ruffalo, who still doesn’t have a dress for Sunday night. I watched the final three episodes of RHOBH and tried to coordinate more of the endless documents needed to rent an apartment in NYC—tax forms, a signed affidavit from my lawyer, and endless letters of reference. You think that when someone becomes a celebrity everything is just handed to them but the truth is that ain’t the case. SJP emailed and said Hugh Grant told her he’s worried he was too cranky on my show. I said that’s ridiculous. Landed and met John Mayer at Soho House. I was waiting for him and looking around, thinking hateful thoughts about the people loitering around me. LA brings that out in me. Discussing it further with John, he pointed out that everyone is going through the same struggle here, so if I am thinking whatever I am, then everyone else is too. He always brings me calmly back to life. We talked about Katy Perry and what is and isn’t working, and about his texting with Bob Weir. Dinner with KJo at Lucques and it was great to see her. I pitched her on the radio idea and she wanted weekly, not daily. Got back to the Sunset Tower and had a drink with Mark, Kelly, and Jimmy Kimmel and his wife, who had read my book and was surprised by what I wrote about our time at SXSW. Now I have to go back and read what I wrote. Kate Hudson was there with her midriff. George and Amal were too, and in LA that’s the equivalent of seeing Obama. On the way out I saw Lee Daniels, who said he had pitched me Empire, and my face fell, but then I realized it was actually an updated Valley of the Dolls he had pitched so I felt better.